Did she not get ones of him? Fair's fair.

Yeah, what's wrong with her asking for (at least some of) the tapes and photos at the time of the breakup? It seems like the prospect of mutually-assured blackmail might make the boyfriend less likely to carry out a vendetta, provided that he's also not inclined to have that material made public.

Don't do anything until you can locate and confiscate the evidence without his knowledge.

@3 FTW

@3

EXACTLY.

Ask for the tapes and photos first in a casual way over a few days, and then when you know it's safe, break up.

And never dish out the nudes again, as you've hopefully learned your lesson.

Cheating sluts deserve to get slapped up. Cunt.

@3 I have to agree.

Nobody likes being dumped, and chances are really good that he'll take this bad (even if she doesn't 'fess up the reason), and that he'll try to at least embarrass her with the videos/pictures.

Or, CPS, you can date people who have a sense of self-integrity. Granted, we usually don't know this is the case about someone until well after we've fucked them, but usually it can be determined somewhere between sex and the deployment of recording devices. In the meantime, some of us who are aware of the sensitivity of risqué photos and videos wouldn't post them on the net (or otherwise distribute them) under any circumstances, but particularly not due to something as ordinary as a break-up.

If you know he's not paranoid enough to make copies in anticipation of vendetta, you can gather all the ones you made (provided you know what and where they all are. Just remember to shred (overwrite) those that you delete off a computer so they cannot be recovered.

Otherwise, try to make the breakup as amicable as possible (if you're going poly, you can try opening the relationship and then phase him out once he's situated with other paramours).

And, in the meantime, avoid playing camera games with guys who'll be jerks about it later.

Another vote for Vince. As often, wise counsel from one of my favourite sloggers.

And Dan nailed the advice re disclosure, with one caveat. There is one circumstance in which I'd say disclosure was warranted: if you didn't use condoms with the "barfriend" and have since had unsafe sex with the boyfriend. If that's the case, the boyfriend is entitled to a warning about getting tested.

What a dumb ass. A person doesn't have enough fear/shame to take (1) naked photos in sexual situations but has (2) fear/shame about other people seeing them? If he/she wanted them for him/herself, he/she shouldn't have recorded them...YOU were there (!!)...so who else are they for? It's not like you couldn't attend the taping.

Also, what makes him/her (or everyone else) think finding the photos means there's no threat of them being exposed (?) (re: Hard Drives & Scanners) (!!) You can find the originals and it might very well be too late.

I feel like I should be surprised when the human race consistantly fails to live up to its already low standards. But I'm not.

Assuming the pics/vids are digital (or digitized) you'd have no way of knowing how many copies might exist, and where.

Why people (particularly vulnerable celebrities) have to turn the camera on when they have sex is one of the great mysteries of life.

D310, I agree.

"Cheaters Prosper Sometimes" should embrace her inner slut and actually want them spread out (heh) all over the intertubes.

@15

Right? I know. Fuck.

Is the letter writer still fucking the boyfriend? If so, what a class act.. Letter writer fucks a total stranger and then still screws the boyfriend exposing him without his consent to any host of diseases possibly picked up from the barfriend. My sympathies to the next moron who gets stuck with the letter writer.

Arrange a fatal accident for his computer. One that destroys his hard drive. Then break up with him.

I hope CSP has not confided in anyone because two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. She/he would be relying on that person's discretion. Also if she/he keeps a journal and has recorded the incident she should take it someplace safe so her/his boyfriend does not have access to it. I assume she/he wants to avoid David Letterman style fallout. With respect to nude pictures and videos or explicit e-mails, texts, and letters. Unless you have total control over the material you should avoid such unless you wouldn't mind if your parents, family members, or employers seeing them. Most people assume the material hasn't been digitized and loaded on a computer. Deleting such material may be more problematical. I think revenge is a more likely motive than blackmail. By the way condoms do fail, so CSP should get tested regardless and inform the boyfriend if she/he tests positive. I forget, what is the gestation period for HIV three months/six months. Ah the joys of sex with a stranger or being in a non-monogamous relationship. The need to get tested regularly for STDs. Simple statistics, the more sex partners you have the greater the probability of picking up something. That is also true when you are monogamous and your partner isn't. Many people react badly to a breakup and do not consider it an ordinary event, particularly if it is their first serious relationship.

Christ... I never thought myself conservative, but this letter annoys me in a conservative sex way.

Here's my take on it:

My current boyfriend is good, but I'm inexperienced and immature so I fucked some random guy and, surprise, I liked it! So now I need to dump my nice boyfriend so I can fuck lots of other new people because I only think 20 minutes into the future and only care about memememememe!!! and don't give a shit about anyone else because, hey!, that's what's the point? So what should I do because I can't think for myself beyond a few minutes... oh look! a blue car!!! Wheeeeeeee!!!!!! I love memememememe!!!!! What was I saying?!?!?!?

Yeah.

Fuck humanity.

@19 after being cheated on and dumped, you think destroying a hard drive is the perfect icing? nice. perhaps illegal, as well.

the person writing this letter could be an immature jerk; they might only be worried about what the other might do because they thought of it themselves. while it might be a concern, there is absolutely zero justification for destroying a hard drive just so immature fears -- - stemming from a situation jointly created -- can be lessened.

@10- google Anthony Stanci. He blackmailed students on facebook at his high school into having oral and anal sex with him under the guise that he would expose their pictures. Crazy.

Fuck Dan's irresponsible advice.

You should have told him what you had in mind before you acted on it, but you didn't, which means you're a fool or a coward or both. Now that it's done, you should at least tell your boyfriend what you did, why, and what you got out of it. You say he's a good guy, but you're going to violate his trust and then cheat him of the opportunity to learn something from the experience so he can choose someone with more character next time around? You should also, as mentioned above, go to an STD clinic and find out what else you may have got out of it and tell him that too.

And why be concerned about nude video or photos? No one cares. How is he supposed to use them to retaliate? Piss them into the ocean of internet porn with a million other videos of people having dispassionate sex? He can't sell them without your signed release, and anyone he shows them to will just think he's an asshole.

I have a policy of only taking/sending hot naked pictures of myself and will never run for President of The United States of America...Problem solved.

@22 Honestly, I'm with you.

Where's loyalty gone nowadays? :|

@3 & @9 - both great ideas

@22 - you bring up a great point, but judge not lest ye be judged. All of us fall short and make mistakes.

Blackmail?

Who are these people? I have photos of myself that I wouldn't spread around, but if they got out, so what? There is so much amateur porn out there that unless either one of them is (or is likely to become) a celebrity, what's the value of blackmail?

Possibly - possibly - if it was the guy she hooked up with who took the pictures, blackmail would work in the sense of outing her infidelity to her boyfriend. But other than that? She's been with the guy for three years, and presumably anyone not raised under a rock will know they've been sexual. So distributing the videos or pictures won't out her to her friends or family; any future partner is an idiot if he assumes she's a virgin (unless she lies to him), and pretty much anyone else can very validly be put off with "those videos were private and his distributing them was a violation."

In other words, while he may be able to embarrass her, all he really could do is prove he's a complete schmuck.

Serious question: How, short of avoidance, can someone engaging in oral sex with strangers minimize the risk of picking up an STD?

@25 It's Anthony Stancl (L not I at the end). Just yesterday he plead no contest on two counts, the rest were dropped, and the victims were reportedly relieved to not have to testify at a trial. A disturbingly effective use of homophobia.

http://www.jsonline.com/news/waukesha/79…

What Anthony Stancl did was wrong, but it is still ok. Ask Frizzelle. He is a big supporter of child rape via blackmail as long as, ya know, the victims deserved it. Google Anthony Stancl Slog.

I just told guys "sex tapes and naked photos are for marriage" most guys laughed but they didn't argue with me. Why do people feel the need to make sex tapes or take sexy photos? It seems to be more trouble then it is worth.

I swear to FSM people have no common decency anymore, Dan I'm sorry but you're just validating slut bevaviour, What you should have said was hmmmm maybe you need to accept the fact that your a slaggy whore who decided to cheat rather than do the morally right thing and confess about what you did. I mean it's not like you were in a real relationship where you have to consider the other person's feelings. It''s cool that your "gina" got that tingle but having your videos and pictures distributed after cheating is the price you pay for being a cheating slag in a relationship. I can tell you if the roles were reversed and this was a guy saying this about his girlfriend, these fat slags here in Seattle would be all over his ass. Women need to understand something I learned a long time ago, just because you have that split between your legs don't think you have all the power.

She/he has only been with one man. Wants to sample others and is wise to do so.

Good idea to get as many photos and videos that can be used for blackmail before the break-up.

However, unless you and your partner are super, super A list stars, I doubt that many people will know or care.

@6 can we cut it the fuck out with the slut-shaming? this is savage love, after all, not savage side-hugs. would you call a cheating man a cheating slut as well?

Why does everyone assume that her (soon-to-be-ex) boyfriend is so vengeful that he would share her pics/vids/naughty material?
"Nobody likes being dumped, and chances are really good that he'll take this bad (even if she doesn't 'fess up the reason), and that he'll try to at least embarrass her with the videos/pictures." -- I was recently dumped and I in NO WAY would ever want to do that to my ex. Was I pissed? Hell yeah. Am I a selfish psychopath with no concern for other people's privacy? No. I think we need to have a little more faith in this guy.

CPS, try to take your shit back, but you might not be able to. Either way, don't dump this guy via post-it note... do it amicably, respectably, and maturely and, unless this guy is a psycho, you should be okay.
Fingers crossed, and hopefully, lesson learned...

According to the Rape and Sexual Violence page of the National Institute of Justice, Public display of images that were taken in a private context is a form of Sexual Assault, so if those images get publicized, so CPS may be able to levy criminal charges on his / her boyfriend, should their private moments appear on the internet.

I found this tidbit while searching for legitimate data on child predators based on sexual orientation and occupational link between predator and victim; I want to compare teachers and youth pastors compared do the most common connections, (i.e. parents, guardians, relatives and peer friends). Note that when underaged teens (13-17) have sex together, they are still both considered perpetrators and victims of child sexual assault. This is the country in which we live.

Cool links that might help would be appreciated.

Most information out there is scare data such as this, probably where the Allegedlys and Loveschilds (Allegedlies and Loveschildren?) of SLOG get their data. I suspect most of these are dubious interpretations of statistics over a decade old. (All crime rates have severely plummeted since then.) Since the traditional-family-values sector is now renowned for falsifying data as it suits their agenda.

Note that much data is promised by companies trying to sell content-control software, much of which depends on lists provided by conservative censorship groups. (One can test this to by seeing if major Christian anti-gay hate-sites are still accessible when anti-race sites are not. Also, many satanist, pagan and Muslim sites may be blocked where Christian ones are not.) I've, thus, been getting inundated by crap in my Google searches.

Some good news (from a more impartial source) can be found here. Sadly it doesn't answer my own questions.

Boy, was my grammar for crap. Sorry about that, all.

Y'know, I'm reading the responses, and I'm reading CPS' letter over and over again, and I'm missing something.

How old is this person? Has it been made clear she's a woman?

Last I checked, young people don't know themselves very well, so I can't see how his / her cheating was coldblooded [and] premeditated. Since when is the inability to think further than 20 minutes into the future an immortal sin? Our representatives can't think past five. How does this incident make him / her a fool or a coward or both, as opposed to, say, a young human who was surprised of his / her strong libido?

I've known so few sexually active people in my life who were able to consistently stick to safety and propriety protocols, I suspect more likely they've just never confessed their missteps. The abstinence-only folks make the same mistake it seems we're making here: those of us who were able to resist our sexual desires were bred out long before we learned how to walk upright.

Now I, myself, never got possessiveness. My own jealousy issues, when they manifest, are about inclusion and personal insecurity, but I've never imagined that I own exclusive rights to someone, but I also get that I'm an oddball that way (and yes, I'd rather die alone than live with someone who felt chained to me). But I still don't see how this incident paints one a slaggy whore.

Are humans no longer allowed to learn from trial and error? Isn't this exactly the kind of intolerance and judgmentalism we expect and resent from the anti-gay sector?

If you want to lecture CPS on her reckless behavior, address the risks and consequences (e.g. see last paragraph). It's not our place to levy our personal mores upon her any more than it's the place of the Church of LDS to levy their mores on us. Right?

CPS, if you were in an established exclusive relationship, you violated your boyfriend's trust. The honorable thing to do is to let him know what is going on, and give him the chance to be forgiving, or not. Either way if you come clean now, it'll be easier and more integral in the future to do so when you've got a partner you want to keep. If you deceive now, even by omission, same thing. You can also ask yourself what you'd do, were the roles reversed, and he confessed his betrayal: How would you respond?