If a non-consenting child poked around a pedophile's crotch would that pedophile consider himself lucky? Maybe. But he would still be the responsible party in any ensuing actions. Stick to humans. They sell doggie masks, whole-head-leather masks, any kind of anything you could want to further the fantasy.

@1 Dogs are not human babies.

I will see your 'ick' and raise you a shudder.

Does PETA consider it wrong to fuck doggy style?

I have a female dog that would totally do this if I gave her half a chance ... SO I DON'T. This dog also enjoys eating shit: her own, my other dog's, my cats' ... it's as much as I can do to allow her to lick my face sometimes. She's not getting anywhere near my vag. ICK.

Without pictures, it didn't happen.

You're right, Dan, about dogs and crotches. I'm a guy, and my two dear lesbian friends have a Golden Retriever, and I swear to God, every time I drop over to see them the dog immediately plants his nose in my crotch. Every single time.

Boy, am I ever happy it's not my job to answer letters like this.

No "goldstar" zoophiles ? No empathy for those who might be dealing with bestiality ?

Some compassion ( "what other people don't know......luke/warm" ) for pets, children .......

oh, come on, you bunch of squares. plenty of the stuff dan talks to people about is icky, and no, i don't want to think about it, but this woman is hurting no one. she bears the most risk upon herself, since dogs' mouths are cesspools and the vagina is a delicate flower prone to infection. so long as she's happy taking the risk, and the pooch is in there VOLUNTARILY (shut up, there is a big difference between a dog diving in and a dog who doesn't want to do something - just try getting one into a cage in a vet's office, as i have)... enjoy, BITCH.

Personally, I don't see why they can't be satisfied with sheep like men were back when they had multiple wives and teen-aged concubines ... like the Bible says.

I'm skeeved out to no end... and no, I'm not ashamed of that fact. People have a right to consensual sexual contact, but as always, a dog does not have the mental capacity to consent. Even if an enthusiastic face in the crotch would hint otherwise.

As a elementary school aged child, I had an borderline sexual infatuation with my adult babysitter- obviously if he had obliged me, I would have happily participated in sexual contact. I would have been consenting, but without the mental capacity pf an adult to fully grasp all that that entails, it could have seriously messed me up. So looking back, I'm glad he wasn't a pedophile.

Allow me to translate BITCH's letter for you:

HAY YOU SYMPATHIZED WITH PEDOPHILES WHO DON'T WANNA FUCK CHILDREN SO WILL YOU GIVE ME PERMISSION TO FUCK MY DOG KTHXBYE.

The point of Dan's column on non-acting pedophiles was that it's NOT OKAY to fuck children, and those who have the urge but don't follow through are to be commended. I don't see how you can twist that into potential permission for engaging in bestiality.

Opportunity lost on this one Dan - your one true moment to use the line "Bitch... please"

Dogs are not people, nor are analogies actual arguments.

ew. I don't care that dogs' mouths are supposedly cleaner than ours, just no. And on a side note, I could have gone without hearing that Dan sometimes puts on dirty underwear in the morning. Is this a guy thing?

@3 - Dogs are not capable of consenting.

Louis CK has a bit that makes pretty much the same point you do, Dan. This hypothetical woman's hypothetical friend made the dog an offer he couldn't refuse, and now her hypothetical vagina probably has some pretty nasty shit in it, possibly literally considering the places dogs are known to stick their snouts. Yeesh.

However, I do take issue with the idea that consuming the flesh of an animal for sustenance is anything remotely similar to letting a dog have a go at your junk. That was a very strange point to make.

@19
How do you know? Did the dogs elect you as their ambassador to the human race?

Maybe you hang out with really lame dogs. My dog regularly demonstrates her consent and dissent, though I've no plans to bring up this particular subject with her. Ick.

@19 - Pigs are not capable of consenting to be made into bacon, either. And it's not as if the dog is going to recover repressed memories when it gets older and realize that it was abused. I'm not in favor of dogs performing cunnilingus (that's just gross). But in general, I think talking about whether an animal can or cannot consent as a means of comparing its condition to a human is meaningless since I think an animal is also incapable of living to regret its actions.

I put on my dirty underwear in the morning if I'm stepping out of the bedroom before I shower. Clean body, then put on clean underwear.

There is no way anyone could claim a person raped a dog if the dog, of its own volition, dove into the person's vagina snout-first. So I don't really think BITCH wrote in to ask that, but instead wrote to confirm to herself that what she considers a minor miracle actually happened instead of just being a vivid dream. While this was a very amusing letter/response, I hope this doesn't give others the idea to somehow prompt their pets to engage in sexual activities the pets may be less enthusiastic about.

Accident my ass!

I won't weigh in on the ethics of dog-fucking, but I have to say this dog's behavior isn't uncommon at all. If any woman spreads herself on a bed, in open view of a dog, and starts jacking herself, half the dogs on the planet would probably dive in.

This isn't a curious anomaly. This is an open invitation. This isn't a bizarre accident. BITCH wanted it.

@24 - depends, did they put scooby snacks up there?

@ 20
"However, I do take issue with the idea that consuming the flesh of an animal for sustenance is anything remotely similar to letting a dog have a go at your junk. That was a very strange point to make."

It is not that strange. We don't really have to eat animals, there are some good nutrients in their flesh but we can get them from other sources too. So both sex and nutrients are something we can get from non-animal sources, but we may choose to get them from animals if we like it better that way.

I'm kinda wondering why this hypothetical person would have thought it was a good idea to adopt a dog.

@18 The surprising thing is not that guys some times put on dirty underwear, the surprising thing is that gay guys do it too. I thought gay guys were supposed to be a little more fastidious than that.

But as far as dirty underwear goes, I have heard horror stories about how long women go without washing their bras. No non-mentally ill man wears anything as long without washing it as some supposedly normal women go without washing their bras.

(I personally only put on dirty underwear if I need to do something short before my shower. I want clean underwear to go with my clean body, so if I were to put on fresh underwear, that would only be with me for a short time before I tossed it into the dirty laundry and it seems wasteful to wear something for only thirty minutes and then have to wash it again.)

Robot dogs will solve this problem. Hypothetically.

@30 - in which way? how is that different from a dildo?

@31

I believe rabbits and dolphins are more popular as dildos.

I agree that killing animals for food and raping them are more or less morally equivalent.

I think government should stay out of people's personal lives, and that goes for both zoophilia and taxes. What BITCH wants to do in her own private property is her own business. And also, it's kind of hot in a "it's so wrong it's so right" sort of way. Chicks can do anything and make it right.

"Accidentally"? I call shenanigans.

@27

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~My Point
Your Head

First, to say that animals can't consent is to say that animals can't live. Animals choose lots of things for themselves the whole time -- what they want to do now, which toy they want to play with, where to pee, etc. Anyone who thinks animals don't have agency and can't do things willingly is not uniformed about pets but actually batshit crazy.

If a dog can consent to eating from your plate, s/he can consent to licking your genitals. Either that, or then you think dogs are just robots (and in this case why not have real robots instead?...)

So that doesn't bother me. As for the 'ick' factor... Dan, really. There are people who say 'ick' to men having sex with men. I suppose everybody is entitled to his/her 'icks', and if some homophobe finds the idea of men having sex with men 'icky' and repulsive (remember that 'wiggling in excrement' senator?), well, it's his/her right to think so -- but what would YOU say to such a person, Dan? You're on record having said that all we do for sex looks ridiculous or icky if you think about it objectively. So does zoophilia.

Frankly, Dan, zoophilia is like any other fetish: you can do it responsively (abide by the campsite rule: always leave your pet better than you found it!) and you can do it safely (think about the health problems involved and solve them!). Aside from that, it's not any worse than oral sex.

Frankly!

What's really unbelievable is that no fewer than 4 commenters wrote in this thread to support bestiality. Listen up, you demented pervs: It's sex. With. A. Dog. If cross-species sex doesn't automatically excite some Leviticus-style condemnation from you, you are some kind of malfunctioning organism.

That said, I wouldn't throw BITCH in jail or anything. I'm just calling a spade an abomination.

She would only be a "gold star zoophile" if she had resisted the urge to adopt a dog at all, and now knowing the dog is willing to march down the ho-chi-minh trail, if she were to take steps to keep the dog from doing it. NO STICKER FOR YOU!

Sounds like a working dog situation.

That's gross, but whatev works for you. I have 2 little dogs. They're retarded, barely understand English, and far too eager to please. If you're happy, it's probably making the dog happy; they are like that.

Just stop telling everyone about it, please.

@43: homosexual sex is not abnormal. we are animals too. look at our closest relatives, the bonobo's. they have plenty of homosexual sex in between all the heterosexual reproductive sex they have. it is for the community bonds. its the same reason why animals will sometimes raise the young of a relative. for the community. sometimes doing something for the good of the community is key to survival. relationships and bonds are important for all societies. also, sex is used to diffuse anger and settle arguments in bonobo's. there is no "ick" factor in things that create community ties.

A dog's mouth is far cleaner than a person's. Our mouths are FILTHY. Ask your friendly neighborhood health practitioner about the differences in people bites and animal bites; want to guess which one is going to give you horrible infections?

The only harm I can see is if the dog begins trying to mimic the same activity with others.

@38 I'm not sure why cross-species sex is supposed to arouse some instinctive obscenity response in me, but I guess that makes me abomination. Shrug. I find myself far more squicked out by other activities; dog in vag licking is pretty low on my gross-shit-o-meter.

The point that really sticks out in my mind is that dogs don't inherently know right from wrong. They're very instintial, which isn't necessarily good or giving consent. If we didn't train dogs, they would eat their own shit, piss indoors, chew furniture and bite small children if they come too close. As pet owners, it's your job to train it and not let the damned thing pee on your fancy rug, eat chicken bones off your plate and go around humping strangers legs. Therefore it's also your job not let it eat your pussy. Put the peanut butter back in the cupboard.

@38 ftw. I can't believe people are arguing that animals are capable of giving consent. For all intents and purposes, animals are no different than children when it comes to the concept of consent. Neither will consider the outcome of their actions.

@49 But that's just it; animals CAN consent. Try grabbing an animal in a way it doesn't consent to be grabbed. No, don't actually do it, but I think that should demonstrate the idea. Dogs (at least this one) are willing to lick snatch. Why is it a moral outrage to let them do so?

If anything it is less an issue of lack of consent and more of a potential problem were the owner to pass before the dog, leaving a crotch licking dog without a crotch to lick. Shrug.

It's ok as long as your dog's not a lesbian.

Anyone who thinks a dog can't give (or withhold) consent must not have a dog. For fuck's sake, the problem with children giving consent is that they can psychologically but can't LEGALLY (for good reason). And as others have pointed out, consent is tainted when adult pedophiles have all the power/manipulation dynamics on their side, and are exploiting the child for their own selfish ends, with very high risk of extreme damage to the child.
But (aside from giving Dan and his readers the heebie-jeebies, and giving BITCH a nasty infection), where's the harm in this situation? The dog's not going to feel guilty, worthless or have its future sex life irrevocably screwed up. (Although,, ruining our pets' sex lives (via spaying/neutering) is standard responsible pet care, so...
In short, while I share in the skeeve factor, I'm having a hard time finding a principled objection to BITCH's happy accident.

If you really think a dog is 'harmed' and would have 'traumas' because of licking someone's genitals... as if a dog, you know, knew (because of years of schooling and living in a sex-repressed society) that these things are 'bad' and that he will go to hell for doing them, etc. etc. etc.... then frankly I think you haven't thought a bit about the topic.

Please specify in any way why exactly a dog who licks a human's gentials willingly is going to suffer psychologically. What exactly are the bad consequences? How exactly is the dog going to suffer? Why exactly is he going to get 'angry' or 'start biting others' or 'have antisocial behaviors' or anything?

Seriously?

This is probably said by people who never had pets; people who would let their pets starve to death or would refuse giving them any affection; people who wouldn't walk their dogs, or who wouldn't wash their cats, or who wouldn't care about their health or needs. In other words, people who actually don't interact with animals at all.

Now, from the human perspective -- if you find it icky, don't do it. If you find gay sex icky, don't do it. If you find oral sex icky, don't do it. Hell, if you find missionary-style penetration icky, don't do it -- be celibate. Nobody is forcing you to do anything you don't want to. Why dictate to others what they should or shouldn't do? This lady is harming no one (the bit about 'potential diseases' is ridiculous -- this can be said about anyone who doesn't do proper hygiene with his/her pet, sex doesn't change the odds), she is not forcing anyone to do anything s/he doesn't want to... And you guys complain?

Really, don't you have something better to complain about -- like the crisis in the economy, or the difficulty in passing the health care bill?

@ 36
I wonder if you got my point?

@53
If I tried to wash my cat, I would have no fingers to type another slog comment with.

@53 - Dunno about harming the dog, but encouraging this sort of behavior will lead her to try to do it to any of your guests. I think that's probably pretty anti-social.

@6: Your dog eats other dogs' shit, & you let it lick your face? That's gross as hell.

@46

No, dog mouths are not clean. They are full of bacteria just like ours. I'm a vet tech, I clean doggie teeth as part of my job, and you would not BELIEVE how foul a lot of their mouths are (I'm talking rotting, oozing, bleeding nastiness), with the people never noticing anything (except bad breath, which they think is normal). I would never in a million freakin' years let a dog near my cooch on hygiene grounds alone, not to mention the "GAKK!" factor.

However. As a vegan animal rights activist with a philosophy degree (do you hate me yet?), I don't think there's anything wrong with letting a dog eat you out if they want to. They aren't children. They aren't going to grow up to have a different perspective on things than they already do. They will never tell somebody else about it and feel victimized upon hearing their reaction. They will never regret it. As long as your dog only does it with YOUR consent, ie, you train it to knock it off when you say no (so that it doesn't go bothering other people and developing dominance/aggression issues), I fail to see the problem.

Except it's gross, and I pity anybody who has to explain that particular vaginal infection to their doctor.