Blogs Mar 29, 2010 at 8:02 am

Comments

1
Yes, his dad's a bastard - your first sentence is internet screws-tightening at its best - but what's the latest on how the kid himself is? Where, with whom, etc?
2
I wish I had a son like Derrick. He's my hero. He's smart and courageous and I would be so proud to call him my son.
3
read the linked story.
4
It takes a real man's man to kick his gay son out of the house. I'm sure that the father hides behind his strong faith in Jesus Christ or someother cloud being to justify what he did.
5
So, with hundreds, if not thousands of other kids who are gay, lesbian and/or transsexual being kicked out of homes, harassed badly at school, by parents, by the whole town, etc., what's so special about this kid again, Dan?
6
Maybe "special" is being too mild. Let's try "exceptional".
7
@5: On the heels of Constance McMillen, his school barred him from attending Prom, his principal changed her mind, the news caught wind of it, the students caught wind of it, students said they'd protest, and then he got kicked out of his home.

Notable for a few reasons, I'd say.
8
...what's so special about this kid again, Dan?

You have a problem with a face being put to one of those thousands?
9
Most of those other kids don't make the news. What exactly are you getting at Telsa Grills?
10
So this guy started out his career in Colorado Springs...wonder if he ever attended Ted Haggard's church?
11
The link is not working for me. Are you sure it's good?
12
Link isn't working for me either....
13
Dan's link references the selfsame post, at the moment.
15
He's a face to a very tragic situation. He isn't the only one, and we all need to be keeping our eyes open. Rejection and isolation are terrible things, and Derrick Martin's story has the potential to help others feel that they are not alone.

So, I'm going to go off topic and list a few resources. Perhaps, there are "Derricks", "Juins", "Constances" and "Lovers" who read Slog. And, they need to know that the world contains people who do want them.

GLBT National Youth Talkline
(800) 246-7743
(800) 246-PRIDE
glnh@GLBTNationalHelpCenter.org

The Trevor Project
(866) 488-7386 (4-U-TREVOR)
www.trevorproject.org

Point Foundation
www.pointfoundation.org

Advocates for Youth
www.advocatesforyouth.org

Youth Resource
www.youthresource.com
16
Do we know his parents kicked him out? I only remember reading that on Dan's blogs, but not in any of his links. Or did he or him and his parents make the choice in this situation to have him live with a friend?

Can someone link to that info (that he was kicked out) for me?
17
See that? Who says DADT doesn't work? This retired Air Force engineer has no problems enforcing it in his home.
18
16: I don't think it was an amicable separation. In the Georgia gay newspaper this is what he said happened when his folks first found out he had a boyfriend:

"They knew something was up. I told them. Then they took my car, my iPod, my phone, my laptop โ€” every way they could think of to try to keep me from communicating with him," he said."It was really hard back then .... but everything I've gone though has made me stronger."

Model parents.
19
@16 http://www.lgbtqnation.com/2010/03/gay-t…

That's where I read it.
20
@14 - thanks
21
the father is a private individual who has broken no laws.
there is no legitimate reason to publicize his contact information or contact him.
it will not help and most likely will make the situation for the kid tougher.
Dan thinks he is so preciously coy and cute but he is a malicious asshole.
22
@21 - "...he is a malicious asshole."

But I'd wager there is nothing in the world that would cause Dan to turn his back on his son and turn him out into the street.
23
This story just continues to break my heart. I can't follow it anymore, it gets me too depressed.
24
@21 He broke the law of basic human decency. E-mails pointing out such are the very least he deserves
25
@21,

It's illegal to abandon one's minor child.
26
@ 24 - Are you out to punish Derrick's dad, or educate him? Would you be emailing Derrick's dad for Derrick's benefit, or just to make yourself feel better about this sad situation?
27
It's wrong to laugh at a time like this, but...

LMAO @17
28
His Father was only supportive UNTIL he found out Derrick was gay. From an article at Advocate.com:

"Martin said he came out a year and a half ago, after he told his best friend and his parents found text messages he exchanged with someone he was dating.

โ€œThey knew something was up," Martin said. "I told them. Then they took my car, my iPod, my phone, my laptop โ€” every way they could think of to try to keep me from communicating with him. It was really hard back then ... but everything Iโ€™ve gone though has made me stronger.โ€

He was kicked out of his house, protested by classmates and his gay friends bailed on him.

"He also has friends who are gay, Derrick said. He expected some of them to stand with him when he took his request to school officials. โ€œI thought I would have had a little bit of backup,โ€ he said, disappointment creeping in his voice. โ€œBut itโ€™s just me.โ€ His boyfriend, whoโ€™s also 18 and a school senior, has not made any public comments. Derrickโ€™s parents are remaining silent, too."

As one of the articles stated, Derrick is 18 and already a better person than his Parents, School Administrators, the Townfolk and his Classmates.

Here's hoping you get a fresh, clean start sooner than later Derrick.

29
Sorry, repeat from Steve @18. That's what happens when comments are left open and I didn't read the updates.
30
@7: With all due deference to you, Baconcat, press and Dan latched onto this kid over the prom point, not for anything more fundamental and basic as a human right. Granta, a roof over one's head is a basic necessity, but in Derrick's case, this only cropped up after the media scrutiny.

Considering the more basic barriers facing many queer kids โ€” like trying not to get beaten to a pulp by cohorts, trying not to get kicked out of school, trying to avoid harassment by faculty, trying not to be abused to a pulp at home, and so on โ€” prom is a nice-to-have. Prom is not compulsory. It is hardly more significant than these basic necessities.

Yes, we've had a Constance, wherein the school is flirting with constitutional questions, and we've had a Juin, where she (oh, did I just say that? sorry!) and her (crap, did it again) family are hidden homeless because of her right to even exist. Throw some money, but the problem won't go away.

What I'm saying is that while it's nostalgic for many to reminisce on or shudder from the night they first drank 'til they were sick; the night they were deflowered; the night they were nearly raped; the night which ended up on the beach with lots of skinny-dipping; the night they set a waste bin fire in the gymnasium; the night they broke into the hotel spa still wearing formals; and so on, for many others it's a moot point because they simply didn't go. Their lives didn't implode because of it.

As I sit and discuss this with you and others, Baconcat, this controversy with Derrick โ€” especially in the shadow of the Itawamba brouhaha โ€” seems like such an American phenomenon, one arguably amusing with a little schadenfreude thrown in. I hope neighbours or parents of friends assure he keeps a place to stay housed in the interim. But in the grand scheme, this is not exceptional โ€” except before the glossing eyes of press and Dan.
31
@15: Commendable gesture, Kim. May it help at least one.
32
@30: We attach a lot of sentimental and cultural value to these kinds of rites of passage, and since they all seem to line up in a neat little row this time of year, they will always be reported on. Heck, many treat not going to the prom as some high school badge of honor. Proms are big things.

My prom was pretty awesome. In classic form, I got into an argument with the yearbook sponsor and she basically called me an "unpopular nobody" for disagreeing with her decisions, which backfired on her in such a fabulous way. Several gay and lesbian couples danced during the couples dance, there was minimal buzz like "he's wearing a dress, go boy, go!" "no, you aren't using the proper pronouns for her, show some respect" "oh, go girl, go!" and yadda yadda.

Things like this make me wonder that if my prom was so awesome in South Texas of all places, how are we still having these problems 10 years later to such extremes in similar places?
33
25
this kid's not a minor
34
@32: I suppose were it a mitzvah or something deeply integral to all within a culture, with families coming together from near and far to celebrate a coming-of-age moment, I'd follow your reasoning a little better.

Considering how the promenade's origin was prominent first in universities, high school following much later, I can sort of understand it being a ceremonial coming-of-age for those ending their advanced education as bachelors, masters, or doctors before embarking on the chapter of career and family.

This is also off-track. Placing all this attention of the proms of Derrick, and to lesser extent, Constance (with exception noted earlier), this still sort of trivializes the more serious, immediate obstacles that queer kids are facing all over. I know we all want the best for our future, but priorities, Mr. Crown! Priorities!

Incidentally, I voluntarily skipped prom. :P
35
"...his gay friends bailed on him.
"He also has friends who are gay, Derrick said. He expected some of them to stand with him when he took his request to school officials. โ€œI thought I would have had a little bit of backup,โ€ he said, disappointment creeping in his voice. โ€œBut itโ€™s just me.โ€ His boyfriend, whoโ€™s also 18 and a school senior, has not made any public comments."

Damn coward faggots.
Some people don't deserve a prom.
36
30/34, your argument is akin to those who claim that people shouldn't fight for equal marriage or against DADT because their are more important battles. I agree with you: the prom's not the end of the world (no matter how much it may seem that way for a teenager), but the real issue in both Constance and Derrick's stories is far larger. It's about institutionalized discrimination against gay people even when they try to go about their lives and take part openly in the most basic and normal of activities. There is no "more important battle": it's an all-out war. I agree that many LBGT kids suffer far more than Derrick and Constance and even Juin, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't draw attention to these kids' stories and try to help them too.
37
@33: Here in the USA, the age of majority differs depending on the context. For some things (like having a driver's license) it's 16, for others (like voting) it's 18, and for still others (like boozing) it's 21. It depends on the definition of minority versus majority; let's consult the law to see which definition it uses.
Nice try.
38
@26 If I wanted to make myself feel better about the situation I'd train dogs to bite the guy's balls off
39
I would cut the parents some slack. Was their reaction ideal? No. But, no parent sits around thinking, "Gee. I hope my kid is gay." Every parent forms an image of their child's future life. When parents find out their child is gay, they have to replace one set of dreams with a different set. For many parents that involves a mourning or grieving process for the dreams that won't be. You should give the parents a year or so to digest and accept the news. If they are acting like trolls in a year, then they're being unreasonable and deserve criticism.
40
39, I agree that it does shatter some hopes they may have had for their kid. But a year is awfully long - a lot of parents have to deal with worse shit with their kids and aren't given the luxury of a year's cooling off.
41
'But, no parent sits around thinking, "Gee. I hope my kid is gay." Every parent forms an image of their child's future life. When parents find out their child is gay, they have to replace one set of dreams with a different set.'

That's true of so many things that I doubt you would find it acceptable for parents to eject the child from their home for. My parents didn't hope I'd become a lawyer and marry a white dude; their image of my future life was that I'd take over my father's medical practice and marry someone of our ethno-religious group. I spent my senior year of high school convincing my parents that I really, really didn't want to go pre-med in college (I wasn't even allowed to date in high school, so the whole hooking-up-with-whitey thing wasn't an issue at least). Does anyone here seriously think that because I'd shattered my parents' dreams of a doctor daughter, it would have been OK for them to kick me out of their house? and if they'd done it over my engaging in an interracial relationship, everyone would call them racist.

So why is it OK to flip out like that over a gay child?
42
Yeah, this story just gets sorrier and sorrier. Thank God, you eventually graduate from HS and then your real life begins. Hang in there, Derek.
43
I sorta wonder whether Juin will even get to be in a prom, much less on her own ground rules, and much less making it that long without falling through the post-sixteenth media minute cracks.
44
37
hate to feed the troll, but:
no.
'age of majority' is a legal term with a specific meaning.
in Georgia it is 18.
you could save yourself a lot of wasted typing if you used google once in a while.
45
@40 & @41 - I don't disagree with your comments. All I was trying to do is suggest why I think the tact used with the school board in Mississippi (bombarding them with e-mails) might not be the best method for dealing with parents. It would be better for a group like PFLAG to reach out to him. Other parents who've stood in his shoes and can relate to his feelings and fears will be in a better position to help him understand that his son's life may be taking a different path from what he expected, but that doesn't mean his son's life won't be filled with joy, family, friends, and love.

Keep in mind that the kid is not living on the streets. He's staying with friends. We don't know that the parents would have kicked him out if it meant he'd be homeless. Just as couples sometimes need time apart to sort through their issues, parents and children sometimes need a break so that the emotional "noise" can be toned down, creating an atmosphere more conducive to a rational discussion about the issue.
46
As the mother of a gay teenager I have experience with replacing one set of hopes with another. That is work I did on my own and it came after making sure that my son knows how much I love and support him.
I want other parents to know that struggling with this news can be difficult but you don't have to turn your back on your kid. You will never regret loving your child and the odds are rather high that someday you will regret rejecting them when they needed you the most.
47
@46 - Great post. The second paragraph of your post is what this kid's father needs to hear. I only hope that a parent, such as yourself, reaches out to this guy, sends him that message, and that the father will make himself receptive to the message.

I also hope that this young man won't give up on his parents. Some parents do get their act together and come around.
48
IQUB, you're an idiot. EVERY child disappoints their parents in some way; that's a normal part of growing up. So it's NOT OK for a parent to through their child out of their house, unless the child is somehow endangering them (which he wasn't). These "parents" have totally failed to show the unconditional love and support that is supposed to be basic part of any parental relationship.

I will concede that they're not the only sh*tty parents out there. Way too many GLBT youth find themselves discarded by similar idiots, who need time coming to grips with their children's sexual identities. And many of these thrown away children end up living on the streets in America's big cities, where too many of them "survive" by getting involved with sex trade and drugs. I volunteer for a group that tries to give such kids safe space, and I can report that repairing the damage caused by such parental neglect/abuse can be tough.

Thankfully, in this case, the boy's friends stepped in and gave him a safe place to live, but that in no way makes it OK that his parents behaved this way. Shame on them. And shame on you for suggesting that it's in anyway OK.

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