SL Letter of the Day: Good Question!

Comments

1
1) For the love of God, Dan, it's too*
2) They get into these relationships by lying. Asexuals should only date asexuals, bottom line. Otherwise it's like a lesbian marrying a man or a gay guy marrying a woman. Just not a good thing.
2
Try a good internet dating service.
3
frustrated, *bigger*, and desperate spouse? Or frustrated, *bitter*, and desperate spouse?
4
Lowering my standards has always worked for me.
5
Asexuals are just as lonely and bitter as homo, hetro and bisexuals, you just don't hear about those ones in emails or letters to Mr. Savage.

They also don't whine about it in emails to Mr. Savage.

Confirmation bias, at it's best.

And Dan is right: do anything you can to not be bitter.
6
Maybe it's you, B.

Instead of picking on a group on which to grouse your existentialist woes, put your energy on getting out there and making new friends with people. Friends? Of course. It's all about revealing to your future partner that you're happy with yourself and where things are generally going. This being the case, it'll make you even more attractive than the awesome hotness that you think you are now.

Leave the asexuals or whatever group out of it. It makes you sound like an old, angry white guy with a bone to pick for the Jews/blacks/gays/immigrants/geeks/shoes/etc.
7
@6,

How do you know bitter is a man?
8
I love how everyone comments on these things with advice of their own and/or (dis)approval of the original advice. No one gives a shit what your two cents are.
9
Go to a bar.

Get really hammered.

Repeat as needed.
10
The heart doesn't choose wisely. It merely chooses.

And who knows why some people who don't seem like much of a catch end up with someone, and others who are pretty and fun don't. Could be that the person who doesn't seem like much has a wonderful one-on-one personality (as opposed to being a crowd-pleaser). Maybe that person has a beautiful, introspective mind, and only shares it with a very few close people. Or perhaps the person is very bright and exciting to be around, but only to his/her significant other. This sounds shallow as a stand-alone asset, but maybe the person gives mind-blowing head (etc.).

Or perhaps some people have very low standards (lower than yours, anyway).

Don't be bitter. Nobody - other than those involved - knows all the facts.
11
If a partner is romantic and sensual and ggg in bed, so am I. On the other hand, if they never make passes and act like a pillow princess no matter what I say, I become asexual pretty fast. I imagine others are the same way.
12
it because youre ugly.

there are many hot asexuals. many asexuals are hot. many guys are with girls whose butts they think are too big but that other guys think is just right. and so on.

anyway even ugly people get some i know just fucking get high and masturbate or get a cat.
13
But don't smoke too much pot. You guessed it: date repellent.
14
@7: I never said either way. What I said was B is acting like "an old, angry white guy with a bone to pick for the Jews/blacks/gays/immigrants/geeks/shoes/etc." Anyone, if inclined, could probably pull that off.
15
...but I can't get a date.

Unless your appearance and personality are repulsive, you probably can get a date. People who aren't that desirable don't have nearly the opportunities that desirable people have, that's true. An attractive woman, for example, could have a date every day of the year if she wanted. But almost anyone can get a date if they're not picky. Thing is, most people are picky, to varying degrees, about who they'll go out with.

16
If you have to ask why you are unable to get a date, your chances of getting one are going to be dismal.
17
Thanks for stating the obvious Dan. It may be obvious, but sometimes we need to hear it anyway.
18
Thanks for stating the obvious Dan. It may be obvious, but sometimes we need to hear it anyway.
19
Sad to see people falling into this asexuality nonsense, only in america...
20
Here's a nice musical summary of the bitter . . . enjoy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ivh3W1JEw…
21
Dear Bitter,

You've mistaken companionship with boinking. An asexual has a relationship with another person that offers companionship without sex. Some people actually like this because they believe sex "complicates" things. They have their asexual spouse for companionship and then they have a ton of no-strings, hook-up sex on the side....which is fine by their platonic life-mate. You want boinking, you don't want a relationship. You don't care about your partner. You just want a live body to sex up. You aren't bringing anything to the table but genitals and everybody's got genitals. A bad attitude and a sense of entitlement is not a plus in anyone's book and it won't get you the hook up, the platonic pal, or the LTR. Try a prostitute. You'll get sex and you won't have to bother pretending you care about someone to get it.
22
Well, I'm asexual and I've always believed that romantic asexuals should date other asexuals--other wise it's a recipe for disaster, unless you've got a really great open sexual relationship for one partner, or if you are sexually indifferent, and your partner doesn't mind if you don't care about the sex.

However, sometimes people don't realize they are asexual until *after* they get into a relationship. Some asexuals get into hetero/homo/bisexual relationships because everyone has told them that they need to have a sexual relationship "to sort themselves out". God, you can't believe how often I've been told that I'd suddenly become straight if I just had sex with a guy. Straight sex turns *everyone* straight by virtue of its straightness, or some shit like that. (No one suggested I had sex with women, to become a lesbian--but this was the Deep South I was living at the time.) Unfortunately, some asexuals buy into that myth.

Doesn't work.

23
"But don't smoke too much pot. You guessed it: date repellent. "

From my experience it's an all or nothing kind of deal with women. Women who don't care if you smoke pot won't care if you're a chimney (though at least being able to compose yourself), but on the other hand women who don't like pot will run away faster than a speeding bullet if she finds out you've ever tried it, and consider turning you into the police if she finds a grinder. In terms of LTR though it's a total date repellent, plenty of one night stands, then it flat lines.

P.S. I'm not going to go to a bar, get shitty drunk, and wake up the next morning with a massive hangover and watch the regret on the lady's face as she leaves my basement (I guess even though it's been a while I'm not at this point yet). Is it too much to ask to want to smoke a bowl, or not, chill out, still get laid but not have the hangover "my life is horrible" all those alcoholics constantly whine about. I come from a family of alcoholics and nothing good has ever come from that substance, I'm not saying it should be banned or something, I just don't want to associate myself with that crowd (cue the "then don't get laid" lines). I want to find more people who drink alcohol less but still like to disassociate their mind from their body without getting violent or regretful. I've had a lot of feelings during and after pot, and regret has never been one of them. The social stigma is daunting for someone in my shoes, even though I know 90% of whatever problem I have has to do with myself more than drugs.
24
Bitter, party of one!
25
smoke pot? dumb. lol.
26
@ 1... Where exactly did Dan misuse the word "too"?
27
@watchout5: I (female) partake infrequently. I just got out of a short relationship with an otherwise cool guy with a good job, etc, etc. We'd go to dinner and he'd often be too stoned to say much. It was just weird and not a turn on. Now that I know him better, I'd say he has both a pot and alcohol problem and maybe worst of all he was probably the most humorless pothead I've ever met. Honestly, I'm steering clear of anything resembling a heavy smoker/drinker now.

Also, I feel ya on the booze. For some reason, alcohol just rips up my stomach. It's gotten better over the years, but I've really learned to nurse a drink if I'm out with that crowd which, let's face it, among singles that's like everyone.
28
Step #1: Enjoy life. This is crucial. Why should anybody want to be a part of your life if even you don't think there's anything much interesting about it. But don't just try to get an interesting life to attract lovers. That's just being fake, and most people can sense it easily. But try to find things in life that truly bring you joy. There is so much fun and exciting stuff in the world! If you are an athletic type, you can join a hiking club, join a community sports league, take scuba diving lessons. If you believe in social causes, why not volunteer at a charity? If you are into music, check your local alternative newspaper for information on cheap concerts. If you are the cerebral type, maybe join or start a book club. Visit art galleries or go to plays. There's so much out there. Figure out what you like. Figure out what gets you excited about life, and go enjoy it!

Step #2: When you mean somebody you're attracted to, don't automatically get super attached to the idea of a relationship with them. Don't start dreaming of a future together after your first meeting. People can tell if you're desparate. Take it easy and be relaxed. Express your attraction and give them the space to respond how they will. If you get rejected, don't freak out. Don't let it ruin your entire outlook on life. Don't hang your entire happiness on one person's answer. Instead, just go back to step 1 and continue enjoying life. The happier you are, the higher your chances that the next person will say yes!
29
@28: "But try to find things in life that truly bring you joy." And if you can't afford those things? Or if you don't have time? I guess you're not deserving of an SO. A lot of research shows that strong social relationships are what make people happy, not all those activities you list. So, if someone doesn't enjoy life, they probably don't have close relationships, but then they can't make any because they don't enjoy life.
30
aoeustnh, I listed some activities that require money, but some of them are cheap. For those who make the effort, you can find activities in your areas of interest for free. I'm a bookworm. I indulge my interests by joinging free book clubs which use books from the library. Let's say you're the athletic type. If you can't afford to go mountain climbing, then start a hiking group to go on hiking trails in your city. Post adds for it on a community bulletin board. If your city has no hiking trail, then do soemthing else outdoorsy. Start a running group. All you need are running shoes (you can get them at payless), and access to pavement. Use your imagination. Yes, it requires effort. That's life. Life requires effort.

"A lot of research shows that strong social relationships are what make people happy, not all those activities you list."

I very much agree. But how are you going to get strong social relationships (whether romances or friendships) if you're not going out in the world and doing things where you will enounter other people? I listed activities where I could see myself potentially making new friends. But I'm not an encyclopedia. It's upto each person to think of the activities which would work best for them.