Ask her if it is her fantasy to have a threesome, or if she is asking because she assumes that as a guy you have that fantasy. If she assumes you have it, explain you don't. If it is hers, indulge her and see what happens. As Dan said, she may realize it is not a thing she wants all the time, but just something she wanted to try.

Agree with Dan - just shut up and do it. You lucky sonofabitch.

I never thought I was the threesome type, but man are they a lot of fun.
Of course its a whole other thing when straight people do it.

You only live once and you're not married to this broad.
Have the fucking threesome.

NCN sounds kinda uptight. "Adamantly opposed to swinging" makes it sound like it's a moral or ideological objection, or at least an insecurity that's been intellectualized into a pretextual moral or ideological objection.

In fact, the whole letter reeks of intellectualization of basically pre-intellectual misgivings, and attempts to quantify and sort risks that are just not going to be quantifiable. Relax and stop overthinking, NCN. The best way to have this blow up in your face is to have the threesome but all the while be thinking, "This is probably going to ruin everything." If you can just get into it and stop worrying, you'll have fun and come through it just fine.

And like Dan said, yeah, you're taking a risk, but so what? You can't avoid risk. Even if you really could reduce the whole situation to a series of equations in your head - you can't, but it sounds like you're trying to - understanding it wouldn't eliminate the need to take risks to get any kind of reward.

Don't be such an actuary. Have the threesome and be grateful you get to.

Hey Dan,

Portugal's president just said that he would sign the bill legalizing gay marriage, even though his party is against it as well as the Pope.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/868850…

Threesomes are fun, but there is the "morning after". You're bringing another person into your bed, not a sex toy. Your girlfriend, the third person, and even you may have an agenda under the surface that can come out in, shall we say, surprising ways.

Threeways suck and are overrated. You need a total of 4 people to even start to make sex intersting, and at least 7 to make it hot. But a threeway? That's what grandma was doing in the 30's!

I say don't do it. You said in your letter that being monogamy was a make or break issue. Why? You must have had a good reason. I think you've hooked up with a bisexual and if so, there will be more of this until she finds a girl to settle down with and dumps you. She needs to come clean.

To go on with the gambling metaphor but taking it to blackjack specifics. Both are risky. But doing it is like hitting on 13, you might bust, but you just might win. But not doing it is staying on 12, odds are you won't bust, but youll probably lose anyway.

That's called an "orgy," Cato, and believe it or not, people were doing that in the '30s also.

Interesting analysis on Dan's part. The risk-situation looks asymmetrical -- it looks risky to have the threesome -- but as Dan points out, the risk-situation is more or less symmetrical. What Dan doesn't go into is why the situation appears asymmetrical (to NCN, at least). Here's one theory.

NCN does risk something more by having the threesome. What he risks by having the threesome is *sharing the "blame"* for the breakup. If they have a threesome and the relationship destabilizes, he's not the good guy (not necessarily the bad guy either). But if he plays the monogamy card and the girlfriend breaks up with him, then according to standard Western values, the breakup is her fault. She's the bad guy, because she left him out of a desire to be nonmonogamous.

The fact that the guy is willing to block her sexual fulfillment but not willing to have a threesome shows that what he's unwilling to do is not risk a breakup; what he's unwilling to do is lose the moral high ground for a potential breakup.

If she wants a MFM threesome, than see if this is her longtime fantasy first.

If she wants a FMF threesome than stop being such a fuddy duddy.

But ... don't do it at home or with someone you know well. That almost always backfires.

@12 I think you hit the nail on the head. Well done.

@9, Whatchootalkinaboutwillis? Why would a bisexual woman be any less capable of being monogamous?

I agree wholeheartedly with Ness @4.

@15 Because she obviously doesn't intend to be monogamus. A three way is not monogamy.
Love
Willis

I have to agree with @1. I thought as soon as I read this guy's letter; is this her fantasy, or does she assume it's his? That'd be the first question to ask.

I've just realised that nowhere in the letter is the writer's gender declared. It 'feels' like it's from a guy - which leads me to think the girlfriend might easily assume that a 3-way would be on his wish-list.

I, too, want to know why No Clever Name aka Gramps is so rigid on the monogamy issue. Got his heart broken recently? One parent left the family for someone else when he was a kid?

oops: NCN speaks of "another man".

It is from a guy - I wasn't just being hetero-normative - phew!

hmm. good point @18.

If this guy can't handle her sexual desires at 25/37 and only a few months into the relationship, there's no way he's gonna be able to handle 35/47. Whether this is a casual experiment or not, she's game to try new things and he clearly isn't.

Part of a long term relationship, especially in one with such a large age difference, is being part of their sexual journey as well as your own. While 12 years isn't a massive difference when you're both past your 30's, there's a huge difference in life experiences between 25 and 37.

NCN has presumably already had opportunities to explore or reject threesomes and/or open relationships (I kind of got an undercurrent of "non-monogomy or cheating fucked me up in the past," but I'm not his shrink). He's had time to develop his sexual likes and dislikes, and has decided monogomy is his main priority in a relationship. Fine and dandy.

At 25, his girlfriend might not have had that opportunity, or maybe she was only trying to be GGG. But possibly all the intelligence that has so attracted NCN to her means she's also smart enough to want to figure out her own priorities for a long term relationship before she signs on forever.

Either way, NCN needs to a)chill the fuck out - he's this woman's BOYFRIEND of a couple of months, not her fiancee and not her dad, and b)just talk to her. If this is something she wants for herself, Dan's advice is pretty spot on. And for the record, a bad "morning after" will probably be less damaging and easier to overcome than a flat-out refusal (if it's something she's really interested in).

Also, NCN: If, when you finally have that talk, you make her feel bad or "not long term material" for even being curious about this, may you rot in a sexually deprived hell for all eternity. If you don't want this, you're entitled to that and that is ABSOLUTELY fine, and an indicator that you two are just at different places in your life. But please don't make her feel like she's a bad person for wondering about what else is out there.

Not that I'm speaking from experience and a horrible marriage to a guy 7 years older than me when I was 22. *ahem*

I might be in the minority here, but I honestly can't bring myself to put threesomes under the same umbrella as swinging or nonmonogamy generally. Perhaps because it's something the couple participates in together, in the same room, it just strikes me as more of a semi-adventurous couple's activity than an exercise in nonmonogamy. (Provided, of course, you're up-front and respectful to the third person, want to bring in a third because you're no longer interested in your partner, etc.)

This isn't a value judgment against nonmonogamous relationships - it just seems the dynamic when a couple goes into a threesome is a bit different from the couples I know that are swingers. But, enh, all my evidence is anecdotal.

#3, Its a whole other thing when straight people do it?!? I bet you're a gay dude, not a woman. Percentage wise I 'think' it's easer for dudes to sportfuck. The stats get a bit tighter when there's a vag-j-j involved. That was my experience anyway. With tears in her eyes, she said 'I wanted you to be jelous, to stop it from happening'. It broke my heart, I thought it was the begining of getting everything I always wanted. Instead it was the begining of the end of an otherwise great relationship. It also temporarily crushed the self esteem of the 2 people I cared most for. The dude we boinked was unaffected, and she-ite did he have a nice dick. He backed up to the wall as I approached like he had a pit-bull at his knee, but he changed his tune when I started sucking my GF's pussy juice off that thick 8 inch beauty!

I'm trying to put my finger on why, but this guy sounds like a bit of a creep. Any ideas why I'm getting this feeling?

"I did a lot of soul searching and decided I could be open to another woman in the bed, but definitely not another man."

*eyeroll*

Don't be such an actuary

LMAO! You have no idea how funny that is to me... because of the field I work in.

@5 - You sound like Camille Paglia! I've never seen so many polysyllabic words to just say "Have the fuckin' 3some."

@26, no I agree with 3, I think it's straight people.
I'm a lesbian, and most of my friends have already done the threeway thing at least a few times. It's not everyones' cup of tea, but nor is it the hill to kill a relationship on. I think it's straight people that are way too likely to be all knee-jerk 'monogamy only', so don't lump all of us with a pussy all together.... some of us *will* like it. ;)

It's awkward and not very fun having a threesome with a couple when one of them is into it and the other one isn't and acts like he's being dragged along. If NCN and his girlfriend end up having the threesome, I hope the woman they bring into their bed can keep herself somewhat emotionally detached from the situation because it's likely to get messy.

Just don't have the threesome until your attitude about it has changed--it's going to be a shitty experience for everyone if you go into it with as much fear and distaste as is evident in your letter. Obliging your partner begrudgingly is being passive-agressive, not GGG, and, especially in this case, you can expect it to be the worst of both worlds.

NCN I can solve this problem for you. The 3 of you can get together and get things started then head to a dark room. That's when the two of us can swap. If you step out and I take your place then you don't have to have a threesome. Problem solved. When she likes it and wants more we can work out some sort of long term agreement. No need to thank me, I'm glad to help out.

It's the age difference that kills it for me. You'll be forever stuck in the daddy role: the arbiter of her morality, and the decision-maker when it comes to what kind of sex you'll be having and when. And then when she's 35-45 and is smoking hot in terms of wanting sex all the time (trust me on this!), you run the risk of telling her that she's too sexualized. [Not that my considerably older husband did this to me or anything.... (*sigh*).] What it comes down to, then, is for you to choose between being her lover or her father. Which one are you?

OK, I have to disagree with everyone on this. I think because it's so important to you, you have to be true to yourself. You obviously have reasons why monogamy is important to you. There are a lot of potential pitfalls, including her unanticipated-even-by-herself jealousy, her demanding to have you reciprocate for an FMF with an MFM, which you clearly stated you don't want, and then just various weirdness that will have to be dealt with after the fact. I say, keep this one in the fantasy realm. Let her talk to you about it during sex, you pitch in with your fantasies, either about this or something else. Make it super realistic, let your minds roam, but you don't need to bring in another girl. It's not a blow-up doll, it's a real person. And if you do decide to do this, please use a reputable sex worker and not some single galpal of your GF, who could develop feelings for one or both of you, and make things in your relationship ultra-weird or crush it altogether. Don't let your boundaries be pushed; I think being GGG doesn't mean you have to do everything, despite your own discomfort and misgivings. Trust your own gut.

I can't even finish reading all these comments because I'm just so discouraged by the prevalence of insistence that threesomes are JUST THE BEST THING EVER AND EVERYONE SHOULD GO DO IT NOW OMGGGG@!@@2@!!! It's possible that some people just don't dig the idea of fucking a stranger alongside a love object -- and/or watching a love object fuck a stranger alongside him/herself. Nothing all prudish/godfuckery. Geez. Watch less porn people.

Being willing to do a MFF, but not a MMF is NOT a double standard. The social dynamics are usually different... ultimately because of the physical differences between males & females, but also because of culture.

@39, if pro-threesome sentiment bothers you, I assure you that you'll find all the anti-kinky sex sentiment you might want in other mainstream sources. Most advice columnists will be more than happy to go on and on about how any sort of naughtiness involving a third/fourth/whatever party within marriage is EEEEEVIL, and how it will cause you both to instantly get every STD known to man and your relationship will fall off and your marriage will be destroyed and you will be miserable and you're emotionally stunted for ever being intrigued by such a thing in the first place ... so let those of us not looking for that kind of preaching have our little outpost here, OK?

We should invent some kind of system whereby those women who want open relationships can find those men who also want open relationships. It'd be like a series of personal ads, or maybe like a school yearbook, but with some of the coffeeshop and bar banter incorporated also. I don't know what such a system would be called, but it would be genius.

Wow, Dan, I think you were a little harsh in saying that not being willing to have a threesome is an unreasonable refusal to accommodate your partner. I believe I'm pretty GGG with my boyfriend -- as far as sexual experimentation *between the two of us* I'm willing to try anything once -- but I absolutely would not do anything that involved sex between me and a man that was not my boyfriend.

There's a big difference between being asked to try a new position, or a toy, or a role-playing scenario with someone you are already willing to sleep with, and being asked to have sex with someone you don't want to have sex with.

I agree that if it's vitally important to NCN's girlfriend to be able to engage in threesomes, and it's not something he will ever be able to get into, she's justified in dumping him and finding someone who will fulfill this need for her.

However, I don't agree that he's being unreasonable in refusing to have a threesome. The idea of my partner insisting that I have sex with another man that I don't want to fuck feels like a violation.

@42 Also, be less predictable. Pro-threesome sentiment doesn't bother me. (You know nothing about me, blahblah etc.) "THREESOMES ARE THE ULTIMATE AND YOU'RE A PRUDISH NINNY IF YOU DON'T AGREEEEEE!!!" sentiment bothers me. He didn't seem like he wanted to do it, and having a bunch of people tell him, "Be thankful you have the option [to do something you don't really want to do]" isn't being "sex-positive." It's being bullying.

@44, certainly you don't have to accept that sort of control over your own body.

But what if he's asking you to let HIM fuck someone else?

I think you can refuse and still be reasonable but it does sort of become a hit to your GGG score, I guess.

@46, whether you're willing to have a threesome with you in it, and whether you're willing to let your partner fuck someone else are two very different questions, and NCN's question was about whether he should give in and be in a threesome.