SL Letter of the Day: You're All Deputized!

Comments

1
he can't get over the past.
you'all can't move on.
dump him.

this is not a request.
2
This is like a letter from the 1950s. Or the 1590s. I'd offer advice, but since she can't have got in that situation without ignoring every piece of advice anybody ever gave her, I'll simply wish good luck to the rest of you kinder souls who'll try.
3
btw don't feel bad.
most British guys are gay.
(tho they usually don't realize it)

you are obviously a passionate woman full of life.

have you considered an American Southerner?
4
Jette Le Connard Maintenant.
5
Um yeah, not much to say here except to get out now! You shouldn't take a serious step like moving in together unless your relationship is loving and stable, which it isn't. Anyone who can't expect a little infidelity over the course of a years long long-distance relationship is a controlling fool, and you're a fool if you let someone treat you like that.
6
GTFO, real quick-like.
7
@2 You summed it up. She has ignored everything so far so she is going to ignore what we say here. I will go ahead and say it anyway.

This guy is a piece of shit and is abusing her because of his own issues. He will never "get over it" while she is with him. Their relationship is holding both of them back from moving on in their life. She should leave him not for him however, she should leave him because she must do it or she will die bitter and alone.

DTMFA
8
This sounds like one of those whiners on that Couples show on A&E where one of them wants to force the other to want to get engaged or married.

DTMFA - if you do succeed, you'll both be miserable and cheat on each other multiple times.

Unless you're a Director - in which case this will make great fodder for your next film.
9
Besides, most of the wedding is about the dress.
10
This person hates you and is punishing you daily. He is a selfish piece of shit. You need to care enough about yourself to hate him back and get out now. Go back to France, stay in England, or come to America, but do it without him.
11
Baconcat, je t'aime.
12
I honestly don't think any of us can help her.
13
I call bullshit. There is no way someone is stupid enough to put up with that kind of fucked up behavior.

Oh. Wait. Never mind.
14
Sweetie: he does not love you. If he did, he wouldn't treat you this way. It really is that simple.

Pack up your things and leave; there's nothing for you there but pain and humiliation.
15
He doesn't love you. When he says he loves you, he's lying.
Could you let someone you love cry every single day?

Guilt is keeping you in this. Hate is keeping him in it.
Get out. Get out. Get out. You owe him *nothing*.
He will never stop.
16
@13 Yeah, how could anyone get stuck in a situation like that?

Wish Dan had been there for me 15 years ago...
17
He's never going to "get over the past" if he doesn't take STEPS to "get over the past." He is flatly refusing to take steps to "get over the past," so unless you really like living this way and can tolerate oppression, abuse, and the very lack of human touch that helped you make the decision to stray in the first place, MOVE ON.
18
Sanctimonious much? Expect infidelity? Did she take responsibility for cheating on him or simply blame him or the distance or the current phase of the moon? What I can't seem to understand about this and many other posts is the victim mentality that says she can do anything she wants and not suffer any consequences for staying in the relationship. Yes, I agree for her to GTFO as she should have when she began the affair 3 years ago. However, I have no sympathy for those who act irresponsibly and then feel sorry for themselves for having to deal with the aftermath. Granted all the letters are one-sided and we only have her(?) point of view with which to draw conclusions but before we start labeling people as "emotionally abusive pieces of shit" lets think about the pain she caused as well and is now suffering herself for sticking around. Infidelity Happens is a cop-out when people are afraid to be honest with themselves and each other.
19
@2 most appropriate icon/avatar evah?
@4 ILU
@the letter writer: he sounds like what we in England call a fucking knobend. Tell this con to fous le camp, and I only hope he didn't get you to move to Milton Keynes.
20
you seem to be honest with yourself when it comes to knowing you need intimacy and touch. good for you. now be honest with yourself about your emotional body. this is not ok to be treated this way. kids love toy guns. doesn't mean they should play with them. this is bull shit and you deserve more. the first question you need to ask is, "do you love yourself". if you do, the answer is easy. dtmfa. its not that hard to find someone who will touch you. in that process im sure you will meet someone who you want to touch you.
21
Guilt has a statute of limitations. You fucked up (easy to do, given the stress inherent in a long-distance relationship), he was pissed, you were sorry.
At this point, he has two options after having taken some time to think things through; he can ask for you back or he can agree to go his separate way. He, however, is being a little bitch about the issue and refusing to make up his mind. He doesn't deserve for you to give him a second chance, considering he didn't give you one when you messed up. DTMFA.

@3: Pickup attempt FAIL. Why don't you go troll ChatRoulette for BEWBS?
22
This reminds me of living in America in 2004. The war was obviously based on lies, the deficit was skyrocketing, anyone w/ any economic sense saw a huge bubble growing in the housing field, and yet all you heard about was Kerry's anti-Vietnam work. My fellow countrymen stayed w/ Bush.

So if America is any guide, she's going to continue w/ the relationship until she's so emotionally broken that even when she hooks up w/ a nice, charismatic and able BF, she'll sabotage whatever chance she has at happiness.
23
Tu as choisis de vivre avec lui ? Tu es la seule responsable de tes souffrances, et tu mérites tout ce qui t'arrive. Arrête de te plaindre; si tu voulais vraiment t'en sortir, tu l'aurais déjà fait. Tout ce que tu cherches, c'est de la sympathie, mais franchement, tu ne mérite que le mépris.
24
It is normal for someone who has been cheated on to feel hurt and want to make sure that you understand that hurt too - usually by trying to hurt you back. And, if you are the one who cheated, there's a certain amount of this you will probably just have to take if you want the relationship to work out in the end.

HOWEVER, this has been going on for three years and it doesn't sound like you two are progressing toward becoming a happy couple again. He sounds stuck in his anger and not interested in letting go of it. I can understand if you don't feel like you can stand up for yourself because you were originally in the wrong. So maybe it will help if you think of it this way instead - he's hurting, intensely and continuously, and he's going to continue to hurt until you leave. Only then does he even have a chance of moving on and gaining some happiness. If you feel the need to punish yourself, punish yourself by choosing the understand that the relationship you had and could have had with this man are gone.
25
Pauvre conne. Tu l'as bien cherché. Si tu voulais vraiment t'en sortir, tu l'aurais déjà fait. Arrête de pleurer, tu ne mérite aucune sympathie.

Laisse-le ou tais-toi.
26
He thinks he still wants you but all he really wants is to recapture his idealized memories of how he wanted you to be, before.

Not even how you actually were, or even how he remembers you being, but how you weren't but he wanted you to be. You were long-distance! What the crap are you doing?

You have clearly indicated the problem yourself: he no longer wants you. He only thinks he does. I don't think he's being manipulative or sending mixed messages or being abusive on purpose, but that's what he's doing nonetheless. Leave him. Go back home. Find someone who doesn't hate you. This is not love.
27
@23: Kind of harsh. Remember this guy WANTED her back and made that effort, but once he got her (and even got to the point where she left her home country to be with him), he's treated her like garbage.

Yes, she needs to get out now and recognize it's her responsibility to do that, but it's not her fault that she just needs somebody else to tell her it's over. It's not the smartest or most rational thing to do, but it's human and common. Emotional abuse, rather than physical, can also be harder for people to identify as abusive.

To the letter-writer: You tried everything. He's a lost case, refuses to make amends, and turned on you after convincing you he wanted you back, in spite of your efforts to commit. Leave him.
28
Holy shit why did you go back. He's kept you with him to put you through as much pain as possible for as long as possible; sounds like he's eating it up with a trowel, too. Of course he tells you he loves you, of course he doesn't want to go to therapy; god forbid anything should interfere with his 24/7 misery buffet. Dare I hope that "I've moved most of my things at his place" means that you've got somewhere else to fall back on? Rent a truck or bring everything to the post office; do whatever you have to, but move your shit today, or as soon as fucking possible.

Frankly, he sounds so emotionally sadistic and so hung up on your three-year-old infidelity that I'm worried for your physical safety. Don't discuss moving out with him whatsoever. Don't give him even a shadow of an opportunity to browbeat you into staying (because apparently he can wrap you around his little finger whenever he likes). Move while he's at work, leave a note saying you're sorry you moved in with him, it was all a big mistake, and now you're fixing it. Have contact with him by phone or email if you must, but don't see him in person.

Listen, I was living with someone in a sexless relationship for six months, in a vastly lower-stakes milieu than you've got, and it still did damage to my head, my heart, and even my libido. You tried to save this relationship, but guess what? The crying all the time, the NO FUCKING TOUCHING EVER, and the refusal to actually do anything that could constructively close this rift mean that your efforts didn't work. Now you're just inflicting needless pain on yourself, and seriously, the longer you stay the more fucked-up you'll be the next time you date someone. If you won't do it for yourself, do your future boyfriend a favor and get out with as little trauma as possible.
29
Obama has hurt you really bad, we can see.
It's not your fault.

No one could have possibly guessed
that he would turn out to be
such an inept flake.

But relief is just around the corner-
a few months with a Real Man
and you'll be good as new...
30
So he fought to get you back and the minute you were back he started emotionally abusing you? Nice.

Your boyfriend is abusive. Compare your infidelity to years of emotional abuse. Three years crying? He FORBIDS you touching him? He doesn't love you. You're the most precious punching bag in his life and you should get the HELL out of there before he takes the next step and slaps you because he was "so hurt".

I would encourage you to get in touch with a therapist who specializes in domestic abuse. You don't say that he's been violent, but his emotional manipulations; abusing you and making you feel like shit while blaming you for your own treatment and then saying he loves you, is classic abusive behavior. You need to get away from him, if possible to your family or close friends who will protect you, and into the office of a licensed mental health professional. Good luck!
31
So he fought to get you back and the minute you were back he started emotionally abusing you? Nice.

Your boyfriend is abusive. Compare your infidelity to years of emotional abuse. Three years crying? He FORBIDS you touching him? He doesn't love you. You're the most precious punching bag in his life and you should get the HELL out of there before he takes the next step and slaps you because he was "so hurt".

I would encourage you to get in touch with a therapist who specializes in domestic abuse. You don't say that he's been violent, but his emotional manipulations; abusing you and making you feel like shit while blaming you for your own treatment and then saying he loves you, is classic abusive behavior. You need to get away from him, if possible to your family or close friends who will protect you, and into the office of a licensed mental health professional. Good luck!

ps: To Dan, I DESPISE your server today ¬¬
32
29 is @22
33
This relationship was over a long time ago when you moved on to be with someone else. Remember, nice French lady, what Savage says: there is no "The One." Even if there were, this guy sure as hell isn't it.

Let this go. You don't deserve to be punished for doing what was natural when the relationship was naturally over. Even if you were a lying piece of shit - which you're not - you wouldn't deserve this kind of treatment. This guy is invested in making you his emotional punching bag.

As for getting out: it hurts like hell at first. But I like to think of it this way: the pain you're experiencing now is a dull ache that goes on interminably and is never likely to end. The pain you feel when you break up is acute and awful, but in the aggregate is actually less pain than you'll have if you stick around. Make sense?

You'll hurt like hell for a while after you leave, and you'll probably feel guilty even though you have no reason to. And then one day you'll wake up and notice that you feel less worse than you did the day before. From that point on, each day gets incrementally better.

Good luck.
34
quel merdeux! dtmfa
35
I don't think you realize it. But, tu n'as rien fait de mal.

Wherever you were (I like to imagine you were somewhere by the inukshuks in Northern Quebec), I don't see how this is a terrible sin. Your only mistake was telling him, unless you told him so he would break up with you. Either way, tu n'as rien fait de mal.

36
18
shut your piehole.
your not helping at all.
of course she was a slut but she's French and can't help it.
and she recognized her error
and tried to end the relationship but BF drug her back.
and, in fact, even if she wasn't sorry he'd be lucky
to have a hot French gal like her under any circumstances.
he blew it bigtime and she needs to move on.
37
Ricardo, Vas te faire encule *^_^*

To everyone else, Ricardo is being a dick (no offense to dicks) and blaming her for her own predicament and saying she deserves no sympathy. Ricardo, the fact no woman wants to touch you with a nine foot pole is not this woman's fault, its exclusively because of your charming personality :-)
38
4

Thank god you didn't have to Frenchify your avatar for that.
39
What he is essentially doing is emotional violence. The sort of blackmail where he makes you feel awful, but won't make any changes to get past things, which leaves him in control.
If he asked you to come live with him, but is acting this way, then he does not have the emotional skills to pursue an adult relationship. Find a way to move out and leave him. I urge you to not believe his "oh baby, I'm sorry, please come back" requests. He will simply deliver more of the same emotional torture when you are back in his clutches. He is emotionally broken, and you cannot fix him. Spare yourself the pain, cut your losses while you can. There is better love in the world for you.

DTMFA, ou bien, Jette le connard tout de suite!

@23, Ricardo, you are a dick.
40
DTMFA.
41
@23 - non, elle est seulement une "wankeuse" - elle a besoin de pleurer, mais sans l'action utile.
42
Lynx, thanks for sending me go get butt-fucked. Indeed, if a woman wanted to touch me, with a nine foot pole or anything shorter, I wouldn't be interested. Still, I might ask her for the pole, although luckily I don't need it - my boyfriend is coming home just now.

My point was: number 2 is right. If she got that far, it's because she didn't listen to anyone's advice for a number of years. She needs a slap in the face to get it. That was a slap in the face. In her language, and as direct and cruel as can be BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE SHE WON'T GET IT ANY OTHER WAY.

And no, I don't really feel any sympathy for her. She had every chance not to get that far and she simply avoided using common sense: "Just two months ago, I left France to live with him, despite all the pain between us and his lasting hate towards me". I mean, come on! Stop playing the victim, girl, you did it to yourself.

As a final note, Lynx: it's "enculer", infinitive, not "encule", simple present.

43
Cheating during a long distance relationship HAPPENS. It's called "being human."

If he won't even take a single STEP in the direction of getting over it, he's a first rate asshole. GET RID OF HIM.
44
Hmm...Bleeding Heart *hearts* drama.

"I was then in a very remote place of the world, missing love and physical contact... "

What, were you interred on an island somewhere, pressing buttons?

Seriously. Buck up and get out.
45
this breaks my heart. long distance ruins everything. even the best of the best couples get swamped in it. i'm just thinking good thoughts for them.
46
DTMFA! The guy is a control freak and you need to remind him that he is only in control when you give him permission. You need to take control and really be careful that this guy does not snap when you take control away from him.
47
Mademoiselle BH,
You've experienced two months of good face-to-face contact with your BF, two years of good long-distance relationship with this man, had a lapse and then experienced daily pain from this relationship for three years. Do a quick cost-benefit analysis of this relationship and you will see that it does not add up. The good times ceased a long time ago, it's time to put them to rest and move on.
I understand that human attraction and relationships are inherently irrational, but the part of you that loves yourself needs to convince the part of you that loves him that it's time to leave this relationship behind. What you had 5 years ago may have been wonderful and beautiful, but that dream needs to be reconciled with the insanely asshole-ish behavior that is confronting you for the last 3 years and especially for the months since you've moved in. No matter how painful it may be, you need to get out now. No contact with this man will benefit you in any way, it will only increase the pain of separation. Don't spend another day living anywhere near this man.
48
@Ricardo--like you, I don't have acres of patience for people who get themselves into horrible situations with their eyes wide open. That said, I don't think insulting this woman further is really the 'key' to helping her. She's already got enough abuse coming her way, which doesn't seem to be enabling her toward self-empowerment. A woman who's experiencing constant psychological and emotional manipulation doesn't need a 'slap in the face,' too. She needs someone to helpfully and lovingly remind her that she doesn't deserve abuse--she doesn't need more of the same.
49
@mitchmitchmitch, you seem to overlook the fact that she's only been there for 2 months. Is that "constant psychological and emotional manipulation"? No, it's just enough of an experience to realize that you should get out. She's not 12 or 16. It's rather easy for her to get out if she wants to.

Besides, as far as I'm concerned, everyone here who's telling her to DTMFA or that her boyfriend is an asshole, etc., is being as abusive as I am, since they're telling her that she's been in love with a motherf__ker for six years and hasn't been able to see that for herself. So basically, from my point of view, they're telling her that she's stupid. I don't see how much more respectful that is.
50
@18 no one says he didn't feel pain when she was unfaithful. He is a POS because he begged her to come back to him when she went to end their relationship. He wanted this and now he's punishing her. If he was in such pain and couldn't live with her infidelity then he should have let it be over then. Instead he decided to drag this shit out. She is letting him and she needs to stop NOW before one of them physically harms himself/herself or the other person.

@BH you're an idiot. You strayed and went back. He treated you like shit and so to make it better, you thought immigrating was a good choice? Helllloooo? Dump him, go home, get therapy.
51
Give him an ultimatum: shape up or I'm shipping out! Forgive me, all the way, or I'm out of here!
OR, DTMFA allready.
52
@ Ricardo, she's asking for advice, not sympathy. "DTMFA" is advice. It's not abuse, and self-serving claims that it is do not make it so.

If you can't be helpful, then please be quiet.
53
@49: So basically, by your logic, anytime anyone offers sympathetic advice that includes leaving someone, they're calling them stupid?

There's a difference between "You made a mistake" and "You did this to yourself and you don't deserve my sympathy." If you don't see that, I guess you probably don't ask for (or get asked) a lot of advice.

Think of it this way: She's the one who wrote asking for advice. By doing that, she's saying she's aware she may be missing something but recognizes she might not be the best judge of that by now. Most people here have seen that and tried to lean towards useful advice rather than just berating her.
54
Move on, for both of you. He’s too old for that kind of jealousy & possessiveness. & since he’s English, make him shave his head and donate his hair for the oil spill cleanup.
55
So, basically, all the sane people posting here say DTMFA.

Everything else is just commentary about how we expect you won't actually listen to this advice, cause you're a drama junkie and will lie to yourself about how it will get better ...
56
Interesting. Perhaps she could visit Oz and ask the Scarecrow to help her find a fucking brain.

57
@ 53 - No, that's not my logic. that's not logical at all, to be honest. Please try harder.

My logic is: if you think you're being respectful, use "respectful" words. Telling her that her great love is a MF or an asshole is not particularly respectful, as it's shoving her face in her own mistake, a mistake that has lasted for SIX years. Wouldn't that hurt you? Wouldn't that be a slap in the face to you?

And I'm sure all of her friends and family have been very respectful too her so far. So maybe it's time to use another approach.

But luckily, not everyone in this world is so PC as you boys and girls, and a good slap in the face is oftentimes the best form of advice, I have found - for myself and for many other people I've known.

By the way, when Lynx told me to go get butt-fucked and that women didn't want to touch me with a nine-foot pole, that wasn't particularly respectful either... But I thought that was hilarious, considering I'm gay, and Lynx's erroneous assumptions about my lack of sexual activity or failure at relationships just made me laugh. And I'm sure it would have made my French female friends laugh as well, coz they would probably have answered the same thing to this girl. Maybe it's a cultural thing.
58
How about you take a giant step away from the situation, and imagine yourself as the leading lady of a movie or the heroine of a book? What would you hope the star would do? What would you be yelling at the screen as she was moving her things to England from France to be with a man so angry he won't even touch her? Surely, you'd tell her not to do it. Perhaps there is even some gentle librarian or architect love interest waiting at home for you, patiently hoping you get over your near-obsession with someone who simply wants to cause you more pain.
59
Ricardo - as for the grammar lesson, you missed that in imperative form, the command is "Va" and not "Vas" - otherwise, for the advice, you are rather on target, hélas... Mais, de toute façon, "Va te faire mettre chez les grèques" est bien plus joli! Bon baisers d'Aix!
60
Bleeding Heart, chin up my dear. It is my opinion that you need to pack your bags and move out. Your letter does not indicate that your relationship with the BF is in a healthy place at this time. To be honest, it sounds like your being treated as a doormat and he's wiping his boots on you. The most compassionate and loving thing that you can do for yourself, and for him, is to make space and to do it quickly.

Good luck.
61
@Ricardo, actually my choice of words was due to the fact that my native language is not French but Spanish, but I thought Spanish cursing would translate better in google translate than English. "Vete a tomar por culo" is our pretty way of saying go fuck yourself. Its equally applicable to males and females of any orientation. As for the girls and the poles, there I admit my mistake, though the sentiment was sincere.

I've seen people say that women who are abused by boyfriends deserve no sympathy because they can just walk away and its their own damn fault. I maintain that people who feel this way are full of shit and don't understand how emotionally manipulated these women are. Does she need to leave him? Absolutely? Does she need someone pissing on her and telling her she's to blame (something her boyfriend likely tells her every day) and deserves no sympathy? Hardly.
62
@58 - that's the last time I sit behind you at SIFF.
63
Tu as bien raison, Marshall, comment ai-je pu faire cette erreur? Malheureusement, je dois t'en corriger une aussi: "grècques" est un nom ici et prend une majuscule.
64
You are responsible for your own happiness. Whether you accept that responsibility or not.
65
Cut your losses, BH. Just because you love him doesn't mean you have to stay in a bad relationship with him. But he doesn't love you if he treats you so badly that you cry every day. Your "3 years of nightmare" must end now. Do you really want it to turn into 4 years of nightmare? He does. Being with this guy is not safe for you emotionally, and like other commenters said, might not be safe physically if he sees he's losing his power over you, so pack whatever you can before he comes home from work and head back to France without giving him a chance to bully you into staying.

Bon courage.
66
@4: Tu sais vraiment comment me faire rire, Baconcat.
67
Pardonnez-moi. Je voulais dire Chat-de-bacon.
68
@23: Aller mourir dans un incendie, Ricardo.
69
You fucked around on him once because you were far away and needed physical attention, you can fuck around on him again because he is distant and you need physical attention. Or at least tell him that's what your plan is unless he gets over the past really quickly.
70
Matt from Denver - DTMFA is NOT a piece of advice. Advice usually starts with "I think that you should… " Please review your semantic acts. DTMFA is an ORDER. "Dump" is in the imperative mood. And orders imply that those who give them think so highly of their own opinion that they believe the listener should do whatever they say.

As for your comment that "If you can’t be helpful, then please be quiet," well, who’s to say that my slap in the face won’t be useful to BH, except herself? One thing is for sure : you cannot be the judge of that.

So please, next time, think twice about using words like "self-serving" to describe other people’s arguments, at least before having tried to understand them. Coz, you know, they might answer back that you’re kinda "self-righteous" or something.
71
@ Lynx - You don't have to be apologetic about what you said; like I stated earlier, I found it quite amusing. As a French speaker who spends a lot of time in a Spanish-speaking country, I understand the difficulties of getting your meaning across correctly.

Besides, you were accusing me of being a prick, and you just gave me the pleasure of seeing how much of a prick you could be yourself by getting it rather wrong - both concerning myself as an unloved heterosexual and BH as an innocent victim of abuse from another prick. But I don't take myself that seriously - I just pretend I do - so I'm not offended, however sincere your sentiment was.

I'm not denying that her boyfriend is a prick, if indeed he acts the way she says he does. But it's quite obvious to me that she wrote in after realizing by herself how supremely foolish of her it was a) to have gotten back with him and b) to have moved to England. (She cried every day for three years, then emigrated to be with him. Hello!!!)

Why do I think that? Well, she witholds rather important information which might make her look bad. What exactly did the BF do to get her back? I'm quite convinced that she's ashamed of having fallen for his lame attempts and of having done all that she did afterwards, but she justifies her mistakes by saying that she loves him more than anything. (With the way he treats her? Sorry, but it’s guilt, not love, that has kept her from leaving him.) Now she wants us to feel pity for her and say "Poor little girl, you did nothing wrong, you proved your love, he's just a bad person and you should do what you already know you must, i.e., leave him."

She is not, repeat, NOT a married woman with three children and no way to support herself. All my sympathy goes to women who are really stuck in their situation with an abusive spouse. But after TWO MONTHS of living with him, that is definitely not her case. That’s what I call looking for sympathy. And she’s the one who’s giving a bad name to all those women who are truly in need of help.

Basically, she's using Savage Love, and all of you, so as not to feel so dumb. But sorry, sometimes realizing how dumb you've been is the only way to make sure you never make that mistake again. One thing she's not looking for, though, contrary to what all of you very very helpful souls think, is advice; she's looking for absolution.

And to all those who can't see that, well, I'm sorry, but you're way to naive to be giving advice.
72
@70: Actually, I can be the judge of that. You were a slice of smegma in your original comment en français. Don't like hearing that? Awwwh, tabarnac — tough merde.
73
If he is making you miserable and refuses to improve the situation, DUMP HIM.
74
I agree with everyone telling BH to dump her boyfriend. I think she might also find this useful: when your boyfriend did everything he could to win you back, I believe part of it might have been ego. He desperately didn't want to have to endure the rejection of you leaving him for someone else, so he desperately tried (and succeeded) at winning you back.

And then, once you had come back, he turns off the charm and romance (because he doesn't need it anymore) so he can start punishing you for your infidelity.

People can say all sorts of things. They can say that they love you, that you're the most precious thing in the world to them (and how telling is it that he refers to you as a 'thing'?), but when it comes to how they *act*... well, I suppose the question is, what are you going to believe are more accurate clues to how your boyfriend truly feels about you - what he says or what he does?
75
@72 - You can't slice smegma. You shouldn't use words when you don't know their meaning. It doesn't make your argument sound more intelligent, it just makes one wonder about your capacity to be the judge of anything.

I wrote what I would have told her to her face. Don't like it? Tough shit. But I'm not going to wish your death like you did mine because I think you're full of marde, ostie! (By the way, if you use à Québec swearword like tabarnac, you have to use marde, not merde.)
76
@75: Yeah, you're definitely not a native English speaker, just as I'm neither Québecoise nor native francophone.

On the former, smegma imagery was the QED. Die in a fire? Fun lovin' imagery, pumpkin. Not that I need to explain myself further, really. I think I know how to write, given how doing so pays the rent and puts food on the table. When in doubt, I've the option to pull out any of my Oxford Canadian Dictionary (dead tree), Oxford American Dictionary (like, well, every OS X user), and even the OED (total word porn, that one — so delicious).

On the latter? Meh, whatever. Even President Sarkozy dismissed the sovereigntists' plea for a separate nation-state. Paraphrased, he said something along the lines of "Grow up, Québec." That said, I'm not going to bother adhering to Québec French all lock step when Québec francophones refuse adherence to Académie française standards and getting disturbingly lazy with consonants. Yee-haw.

It's like the corollary of Texans with their grating mutilation of vowels.
77
Well, Bleeding Heart, it's obvious you're not gonna DTMFA so the best advice you can follow is Monsieur Ivan's @ 69. Tell the man who hates you that if he doesn't forgive you real quick, your despair and grief will force you into the arms of many other sympathetic, attractive men. You'll be forced to have all the sex you're not having with him in his bed.

Oh, and DTMFA...seriously, DUMP HIM!!!
78
Screw that you hurt him in the past: You should be hurting him in the present. Pick up a hot Irishman, take him home, screw him in your bed and make sure the bastard finds you. That way, you'll have an extra pair of hands to scoop up more precious things when you leave with him.
79
I know how hard this has to be. Our emotions do sometimes horrible things to us and this is probably one of those times. yes, you should have gotten out earlier, no, you should NOT have moved to France after all this hurt. And now that you are there you're lives are more entangled and harder to separate.
But often the best thing to do is the hardest. You will be alone and in a new place and you will probably be scared as hell for a while. But a few months of hurt is a small price for a lifetime of happiness free of this man.
And whatever hurt you may feel after a breakup, it can't be as bad as the person who supposedly loves you the most completely rejecting what you have to give, which you've already lived through.
Good luck <3
oh and DTMFA
80
I'm not very fortunate in my relationships. 2001 was the last time I was seeing someone. After that, I just gave up. I haven't gone out w/anyone at all.

And then I read a letter like this and feel so, so very lucky.
81
Honey, whethr you realize it or not, you're being emotionally abused.

I recommend the book Why Does He Do That?: http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-C…

Not only why he does what he does, but what you can do to find your way out of what is an abusive situation.
82
@Ricardo et @ Marshall
Grecques est employe ici comme nom propre et non comme adjectif donc majuscule et l' imperatif du verbe Aller et "VA" ( les verbes se terminant en er perdent le "s" de la deuxieme personne du singulier.
@BH
Ma cherie, dans quel merdier tu t'es mise et dire ques les signes avant-courreurs auraient du te faire reflechir... mais que faire l' amour ( ou le desir d' etre aimee rend aveugle aussi bien que le manque de confiance et le sentimement de culpabilite sont de grands facteurs dans ton cas). Qui porte la responsabilite de cette situation toi / lui . Est-ce que tu as ete franche dans ce email? Je veux te dire une chose : cette personne est sadique, son seul plaisir est de te faire pleurer et de te rendre malheureuse....mais alors ....est-ce que tu prends plaisir a cette humiliation et donc tu es masochiste? Mon avis comme un bon nombre
des lecteurs de cette rubrique est d'envoyer ce connard se faire foutre immediatement et de retour sur le sol francais d' entreprendre une therapie / aide psychologique pour eviter a l'avenir de faire face a des personnes de cet acabit, de panser le trauma et les blessures psychologiques de cette relation desequilibree et maladive.
83
Hi everyone, and except to Ricardo : THANK YOU !!!

I'm BH. I guess I should have chosen another nickname, as this one sounds like I'm looking for some kind of pity, which I'm definitely NOT.

You're all very right, in your advices (you really surprised me for being so understanding of the situation!), and also in saying that I may never listen to them. I've been given advices for some time now (you guessed well), but, to date, I only managed to follow my heart (although I begin to think that this is not always the wisest thing). My Dad even bought me a book for Christmas about how to deal with manipulative people and how to be manipulative yourself (not in an abusive way of course) !

Let me explain why I am so terrible in giving credit to others' advices while I'm desperately in need of hearing them. My BIG problem is that I can't get out of my head that the guy is a very different guy and an extraordinary one. My BIG problem is that whenever someone gives me a very sensible piece of advice, I almost immediately pushes it away as I convince myself that it can't be relevent to the special guy. Why is he so special? I know I shouldn't make a list, but, oh well: he has climbed Mount Everest, run marathons, had only A grades in Oxford, and is amazingly sensitive, touching and generous. He makes these beautiful drawings to cheer me up when he sees he has crossed the line and always strive to give me the best advices professionally. He is a very special person and ... we do love each other very strongly. We both hope for the best and that one day he can forgive. That's why I've turned my back to advices until now, because I kept hope and kept thinking he was different. He didn't speak to his best friend for 3 years because he had slept with a girl he liked (who became his best friend's wife). I kind of hoped that after some time, he would forgive me too and that we could move on...

But I also see how much I'm hurt, how much he sees I'm hurt and does nothing about it, on the contrary. I know I'm stupid to complain about a situation I'm the only one responsible for. He's not forcing me to stay with him, he didn't ask me to move in (he didn't even helped me moving him). I know I need to wake up and that the situation I'm in is NOT GOOD for me ! I know it but I'm kind of stuck. I'm starting a new job on Monday, here, in the city where he lives. It's one of my dreamed-job and I know his support will be precious in the first days. I'm also afraid I can't afford to go an emotionnal crach when I will have to keep my head clear for this new job. It's strange how every time I've been considering the option of leaving him, there has been something to hold me back, and always a very good reason...

I shouldn't be too long. I know you are all right. But I needed to give my reasons.
84
You're a possession he doesn't want to lose for sake of pride, not love. He's treating you like a statue, and the more you encourage his sense of power over you, the more you risk being imprisoned like a possession (though I would say you are halfway there already).

But that's obvious.

Here's what might not be obvious to you: you are acting against your better instincts for reasons I can only speculate. First off, you were only with the guy TWO MONTHS before you decided to toss away your freedom to explore relationships more suited to your geographic location. You obviously recognize that you are a person who needs physical attention (really, who doesnt?) to feel loved, but you still stocked your cards into this largely physically devoid relationship for TWO YEARS!! In those two years, I sincerely doubt it never crossed your mind that this couldn't last. The relationship could not have been much more than a friend in communication (with maybe the occasional week of sex) and, now this is critical to me, AN UNFAIR RESTRICTION ON YOUR ABILITY TO PURSUE HAPPINESS. That's really what those 2 years must have amounted to, by my speculation: Some guy you knew for two great months maintaining you for years as his exclusive sexual possession.

Then the inevitable happens, but more importantly, you note it was actually working quite well. Now, in fairness this to douchebag, you should have let him know it was done before the other started. I doubt he would have reacted well, but from what you said, it would probably have been fair. But then you dump this other guy because douchebag is working so hard to get you back. Did he ever put that effort in before? Probably not. He was trying outbid the competition on his sexual possession. I can't blame you for not recognizing this, but it's pretty fucking rare someone is making a permanent change if it's instigated by the notion of losing something and preceded by 2 years of contrary behaviour.

And now you've moved in with him, which I bet was his idea and you thought it would fix you guys so you agreed. Well that's a headache, and given how severely possessive the guy is, you might actually be at risk to leave. Be careful about that, he was nice before, but now that he holds all the cards, he may use intimidation and potentially violence. This guy is abusive, don't be misled about that, and it's not that far of a leap from emotional and psychological abuse to physical abuse. GET OUT OF THERE.

In closing though, i think you ought to take a long hard look at yourself. You note that you have cried everyday for 3 years. If I puked every time I ate refried beans, i would take it as indication that refried beans were not good for me and not eat them unless I liked puking. You're crying everyday, that's your body giving you dramatic signals that you are stressed and unhappy. Why did you stay with him? Do you like crying everyday? At that point you acknowledge this relationship got shitty you were still in a long distance relationship. I really hate to say this, but this letter reeks of a kind of dishonesty. Not in the factual events, and not that the guy is any less of a douche, but that you are attracted as much as your repulsed by the drama of it. You acknowledge it's hell, you cry everyday, you acknowledged you need physical connection and when you didn't get it before you end up finding someone else (what do you think is honestly going to happen this time?), you acknowledge he refuses to change. You're not married, you don't have kids. So why are you asking dan about this? You know the answer, it's all over the email. But what isn't in the email, what I don't get, is why you are staying in a place that is offering no benefit or reinforcement. I get the sense that the intensity and power douchebag wields over you is something that you like and that is something you need to work out with yourself. A lot of women and men stay in abusive relationships because they themselves are indecisive or dependent and the abuser's overbearing control fills that weakness for them. But that's at the cost of all their dignity, family, friends and freedom. Get some spine in this and take responsibility for the misery you are volunteering for. Stop being his possession and GTFO before this inevitably leads to physical abuse.
85
BH, he fueled his special achievements by giving himself permission to treat other people like crap. It's easier to be glitteringly fabulous when the people around you don't REQUIRE you to be basically civil and humane. *Your* demons turn you on yourself and stop you having the life you want. His demons he turns on other people, and - lucky him - his lackeys give him whatever he wants, and then he climbs Mt Me. Probably he can do this because he surrounds himself with people willing to agree that he's better than them.

Incidentally - he is not amazingly sensitive, touching and generous. He is amazingly erratic, and controls you by turning it on and off like tap water. Time to have a good hard self-assessment, and start rebuilding your self-worth. A new job is a great start. His is not the only apartment in the city. By all means bide your time for a week or three. But really, put a date on it. And stop repressing your anger, that will help.
86
BH, you are giving excuses, and I'm certain that you know it:

"It's strange how every time I've been considering the option of leaving him, there has been something to hold me back, and always a very good reason... "

Bullshit, though again I'm sure you know that. You found "very good reasons" to not do what you knew you should do, because you can't handle it emotionally.

He's an extraordinary guy eh? Climbed Mount Everest. Makes nice drawings. Yeah, if it weren't for all that pesky emotional abuse he'd be perfect eh? Read up on abusers BH, they're method is to make the bad times very bad and then keep their victims in by being angels in the short respites. "When he wasn't screaming at me or hitting me he was so wonderful" is the classic tale of the abused woman. Step back, what would you tell a friend of yours who described things as you do? I think you already know.

Move out. Do you have friends independent of his in England? If so ask them to help you move your things quickly and crash at their house. You will tough it out at your job. Don't have friends in England but want to stay? Call your dad and say you need help getting out. Betcha he'll be on your doorstep the next day, if he has to, because I bet you Papa's love isn't abusive. Finally BH, think about that job. Is it really a "dream" you can't live without, or is that yet another excuse? If it is, get out of the UK and go back to your home turf, where YOU'RE the native, where YOUR family is, where you aren't some weak pet at the feet of an abusive man.
87
@83 - BH, love, it looks like he's lying as well as manipulating - although I'm not at Oxford but its sister institution, we don't get lettered grades at university over here. If he was indeed at Oxford and has graduated, his degree will be a number - a First, a 2.i, a 2.ii, a Third, something like that. Although artistry and sensitivity are good things, running marathons is something that very many people do, and to be honest I find it unbelievable that he has climbed Everest - do you know this for certain? Has he proof that he did so, or is he making himself look more impressive to you? He only shows you sensitivity when he thinks he has pushed you far away enough to run - he is keeping you on a string, tugging you back every time you gain enough strength to break it. He is surely lying about A-grades at Oxford, unless he means to refer to a high school rather than the university. Please keep these facts in your mind.

I wish you only good luck, but for all the good qualities in him you see and convince yourself of, he is unforgiving and inflexible, manipulative and apparently untruthful. Those are bad qualities in a relationship. The fact that he does not abuse you 100% of the time does not make him any less an abuser. He has it in his power to make you happy. The fact that he does not do so means that he does not wish to. That is not love.
88
BH, all the "yes, but he's such a wonderful awesome talented guy when he isn't making me feel like shit!" in the world isn't going to help. He treats you like shit because he's got a problem with what you did. He's not willing to fix his problem and you can't undo what you did. Listen to what everyone here and apparently in the rest of your life is telling you, stop wasting your time and GET THE FUCK OUT.

@87 ahhahaha, didn't even notice that. Yes, makes sense he'd be a fantasist too. But it doesn't matter really; even if he really truly was a multimillionaire Nobel-Peace-Prize winner who single-handedly fed Africa and created a cure for cancer he still treats her like shit while whining on about his emotional problems that he's not willing to do anything about. He's toxic. GTFO.
89
Thank you SO MUCH for your support. It's so difficult to get out of this muddy relationship I put myself into. I know inside me what is good for me - hence my message. But it's hard to take the decision to leave the person you love and you thought was the best man to hit the road with.

About the A grade thing at Oxford, I put that letter just because I know he had the best scores, and I thought that would mean As. But that's only my mistake, not his lie. And for Mount Everest, there's no doubt about it. He didn't reach the summit though, had to stop just before. Anyway, I know this is not about his exploits.

The tricky part is that I'm going to start this new job on Monday and it's going to be quite a demanding one. I don't see how I could handle at the same time the stessful start of a new job and such a difficult decision (if I'm only able to make such a decision). My parents and friend live miles away, and I'm in this city where all my friends are his friends.

I can't afford not to start the job I just got. So I have to stay, whatever happens, in the same city with him. Plus, it's an awful coincidence, but one of his friends is going to be my new boss ! How could things be more complicated? But I know I put myself into that.

I have a pretty clear picture of who he is and who I am, what are weaknesses are and what are qualities are. It's just hard to move on.

It's strange to see things pretty clearly, but to be still hoping that they can change.

I know that love is not only about loving a person but also about "looking together in the same direction". Love is about feeling good about yourself and finding energy to rock this life. I don't get all that, and I shouldn't satisfy myself with the way I get treated. I know I'm losing part of my dignity and identity in this fight for us. It's just hard to put my arms down after so many things of trying to make it happen. It's been 5 years, 5 years filled with some amazing moments, and it's hard to turn the page when your heart is still loving.

But I know you're all right.
90
BH, I moved to a foreign country for a guy when I was 18. We lived together for a year which was nice, but when he started his technical apprenticeship and I started college we started to grow apart really quickly. He didn't have perfect marks at Oxford nor a habit of emotionally abusing me, but it wasn't working out.

We broke up just before my first college finals. Know what? I got my ass into a new apartment with people off Craigslist, I bought myself a mattress and scrounged furniture off the street, and I fucking aced the finals. I needed a lot of time to recover from the breakup, but trust me. A new job, a new city and new friends can be just what you need after a big breakup like that.

Yes, it hurts a lot. But the good thing about losing a part of your identity is that you also get to move on and build up a new identity. And assuming you are in a decent sized city you don't ever have to see your ex again, even if you both stay there for the next 20 years.

Things can only get better from here. Fight for your own happiness.
91
You know, there's a reason why I don't date British guys anymore.
92
Ugh. I've been cheated on in the lowest ways possible and been as angry as you can get about it. And this guy is absolutely behaving unacceptably. Nothing justifies what he's doing. 3 years of nightmare? Dump him, congratulate him for getting his revenge and you hope he's happy with what he's got to show for it. And never speak to him again.
93
"He didn't speak to his best friend for 3 years because he had slept with a girl he liked."

Yeah, this guy sure sounds amazing!

@24 "If you feel the need to punish yourself, punish yourself by choosing the understand that the relationship you had and could have had with this man are gone."

I actually don't think anything good could have come of this relationship even if BH never cheated on him. There are always many other things he could be punishing her for instead. She just made it easier for him.

And sorry, BH, but this guy is clearly a douche. No "sensitive, touching and generous" person would ever treat anyone like that continuously. Sure, we all act like jerks from time to time, but a person who goes to such lengths to keep you at his side and yet keeps treating you like this for years is not just a jerk, he's really an abuser. And the fact that he still can't forgive you and that he didn't speak to his *best* friend for 3 years says volumes about his issues with jealousy. And it was just about a girl he "liked", not dated.

And if you had a good therapist you would probably understand that what you feel for him has nothing to do with love and everything to do with self-hatred. Being with the person you love is not supposed to make you feel miserable.
94
@57: Don't be a dick. Avoiding harsh words out of sympathy is nowhere near the same as political correctness. Throwing around accusations of being "PC" is just lazy rhetoric typical of inflammatory assholes. Yes, everyone is just *pretending* to be nice, and at heart, they're all self-righteous dicks just like you, but you're the only one brave enough to utter the bare-faced truth and sacrifice yourself on the altar of Straight Talk and Slapping Bitches. But of course we're all too tight-assed to acknowledge your selfless martyrdom. Damnit, why do you have to do all the work yourself?!

Did I get all that?
95
Sadly an Oxford First still doesn't make him a worthwhile person to spend your time on. I'm unfortunate enough to know plenty of people with Oxford/Cambridge Firsts who are complete and utter knobs, although happily I'm not dating one.

I understand some of what's going through your mind, how hard it is to leave someone. I did it just last year - after a relationship four years long I left the man who is now my ex-boyfriend. The circumstances were very different - my ex is a good guy, and I left him because I simply fell out of love and knew that it was unfair to both of us for me to pretend. He never manipulated me and we didn't live together, though, so in my case it will have been much easier than it is for you. All the same, it took me a while after I realised that to man up and ship out of the relationship, so I think I know about where you are with this in your mind. You've uprooted your life to be with him and he's twisting your mind and your emotions about, so for you it is much harder. But my life is much better without my ex, and yours will be too.

It'll be something for you to be proud of, that you have the strength in you to break off, move on and build your own life and itentity under awkward circumstances. But you know you have to do it, and you can. Be strong. It will hurt, and it might be circumstantially difficult. but it will be so worth it. You owe it to yourself.
96
Ricardo, si tu me permets, je t'en corrige une aussi: "grècque" n'a pas d'accent grave ("grecque"), puisqu'un accent grave n'est pas possible sur une voyelle suivie d'une consonne en fin de syllabe. Si tu ne me crois pas, prends le Petit Robert (ou le wiktionnaire français, ou quel que soit ton dictionnaire favori) et cherche le mot "grec(que)".

Cette discussion est certainement très amusante et fait voir le type de problème que la société américaine a de nos jours pour bien définir l'idée d'"offense", et sa nécessité dans certaines circonstances.
97
"he's English and I'm French (hence he's protestant and I'm Catholic..."

I didn't know French people had to be Catholic 300 years after it was actually royal policy. Likewise on the English-protestant thing.
98
BH,
my last long relationship was also with an extremely "special" guy, as well. He had everything I could ask for in a man, including the nerdiness I find so appealing. He also "noticed" I was nuts about him. Now most men, the ones who are not manipulative, would simply be flattered about attention like that. Not him. He USED my attraction to him to try to get me to give up a number of things. He wanted me to move with him to a new city (where he had gotten a job without any discussion with me), and leave my friends and house and the best job you can imagine. Now, when I was younger I might have jumped at the chance to be with such a one-in-a-million guy. Anyway, one weekend evening (he was commuting at this point since we were long-distance because of his new job) he threatened me with a break-up if I didn't move to his new place (giving up my job, etc) and all of a sudden my mind was crystal clear. What happened next I've re-played hundreds of times. I stood up and just opened the door. He said, "what are you doing?!" I said, "I thought you were breaking up with me." He said, "but... I never..." and started crying.

Now, the plan of course was to get ME crying, and then Begging. Here's me: "Please don't leave me, I'll do anything. ANYTHING. I'll move to your city, give up my great job. Anything! JUST DON'T LEAVE MEEEE! How will I ever find anyone so perfect!" You get the idea?

Now I have to confess something, BH. I had not, until that moment, ever felt so proud of myself. And his completely shocked look when he realized he couldn't get away with his bullshit anymore was pretty priceless. Even when he was crying (partly out of sadness I'm sure) I could see that he was trying to manipulate me. So BH, I guess my take-home message is that you might immediately feel happier than you expected after you speak the truth to his face.

99
BH, I'm with everyone else here. I'm living in a foreign country, and have gone to a foreign country before in spite of being in love with someone. I was never in your situation, but I can understand how, when you've sacrificed so much and tried so hard to make it work, it can be hard to let go. But he sounds like he wants to let go, and you know you NEED to. As some other people have said, at this point, you're making excuses. Look at all the support you've received here! SLOG readers have a tendency to be harsh, and yet so many people here understand what you're going through. If you make new friends in your new city and share your story, I'm sure you'll get teh same response. Please read @90, 93, and 98 again, especially--really good advice. Basically, what we're all saying is that, despite it being hard and inconvenient and terrible, the consequences of staying will be worse. You've acted on your emotions and desires until now, and it hasn't worked; you need to start acting in spite of them. Stop the excuses; pack up and move on. We're all cheering for you. (Except maybe Ricardo, but ignore him.) Good luck, BH.
100
BH, si tu me permets, je t'offre mon conseil en français (c'est plus facile pour moi, et peut-être aussi pour toi).

À la différence des autres qui ont donné leur avis ici, je ne suis pas sûr que ton ami soit un terrible manipulateur. Je vois que tu reconnais chez lui des qualités qui te donnent l'espoir qu'un jour il redeviendra l'"ange de bonté" que tu as connu pendant vos premières années ensemble. À mon avis, cela est possible -- pourvu qu'il le veuille, lui aussi.

Il se peut qu'il t'ait déjà dit qu'il le veut. Il se peut qu'il t'ait écrit de beaux poèmes, qu'il t'ait dessiné des dessins frappants et sensibles. Mais est-ce vrai? Le veut-il vraiment? Ou bien est-il satisfait de la situation telle qu'elle est maintenant -- ne fût-ce qu'inconsciemment?

Il faut le confronter. Il est fort possible qu'il ait, lui aussi, des monstres dans son inconscient, des traumas, des conflits pas jolis du tout, qui produisent ce type de réaction manipulative de la personne qu'il aime ou croit aimer. Si l'on attend sans rien faire, la possibilité que ça change (bien qu'elle existe toujours: nous sommes des êtres plastiques) s'amoindrit.

Je suis donc d'accord : il faut que tu le quittes, parce que ça peut très bien être le stimulus nécessaire pour qu'il réagisse, pour qu'il se rende compte du mal qu'il t'a fait. Les autres ont déjà présenté des arguments basés sur ton bonheur : pour toi, pour que la douleur s'arrête, il vaut mieux le quitter. J'ajoute maintenant l'idée qu'il peut être mieux pour lui si tu le quittes. S'il voit que la douleur et la souffrance qu'il t'a causées ne sont pas simplement des personnages dans un roman dramatique (as-tu lu le roman La Vie est Ailleurs, de Milan Kundera? Ton ami me fait penser au personnage principal, Jaromil.)

Quitte-le, donc. Même si ça entraîne des problèmes pour ton nouveau travail. Comme ça tu verras s'il veut ou peut changer. Ne l'imagine pas comme Jacques Brel à chanter "Ne me quitte pas", évidemment ce n'est pas son style. Imagine plutôt que tu lui donnes une chance de montrer s'il a intérêt à changer, ou pas.

Voilà. Bonne chance! :-)