SL Letter of the Day: Fit Girlfriend, Fat Porn

Comments

1
A related question here - is it the norm these days to investigate your partner?

So many of these letters are about people asking questions after they've dug through browser histories, or read email, or gone through the text messages on their partners phone.

Is that now considered normal? If I'm dating someone, living with them, I can dig through their belongings looking for whatever? Read their diary?

Is that the norm these days? Should I just assume that any time I leave my phone out my girlfriend will riffle through my text-history and I should just accept it?
2
If she's worried because he's looking at big-girl porn, should he be worried that she likes gangbang porn? she talks as if they don't look at porn together, since she had to "discover" his proclivities.

I think she should imagine what her response would be if he got bent out of shape because she likes porn where the girl's either getting gangbanged or explicitly fucking someone who's not her husband.
3
who are you?
4
Maybe the chubby women porn is just the current flavor-of-the-month? I go through all kinds of porn phases myself all the time. Sometimes I'm in the mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I like them arty and air-brushed. Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter will do, sometimes - not often, but sometimes - I like the idea of a chick with a horse.

I think many guys just like a lot of variety in their porn.

After he's jerked off to chubbys for a while, who knows, maybe gloryholes will be the next turn on? I don't think she needs to worry about it.
5
@1 is right: This wouldn't be a problem if you weren't sticking your nose into places it doesn't belong.
6
nothing is more unattractive than a person worrying too much if they are attractive.

that said, how old is the guy? i used to date skinny girls b/c im a skinnier guy and it seemed more normal. but i always had been attracted to curvier women. even to my late 20s I dated skinnier girls and I had some experiences with thicker and thicker ladies which were weird at first until I learned thats what I really like and how to love them (its different than lovin a skinny girl). Now I'm 32 and am really getting in touch with what body size I really like- what some people might call fat, but basically big ass, big hips, thick thighs, tits are nice, thick arms oo yeah.

now everyone not knowledgeable about this stuff should know the difference between a skinny-average girl / BBW / and SSBBW. what I consider regular to skinny girls skinny / normal people can call chunky or a little chubby. But that there is a difference between a girl with a good amount of good fat all over, including belly, and what is know as an SSBBW - Super Size BBW. Those are the really big fucking girls. Usually for a regular BBW lover it tops out when the curves go from pear to blob. In alot of ways its all about the curves and softness.

I love the curvy women, be confident ladies! there are men that love all types.
7
I recommend getting a talking squirrel as a roommate and ditching the bf.
8
Porn interests are not really any different from other interests. I like watching movies about war but that does not mean I want to be a solider.
9
@4: Banky FTW!! Too bad that there's nothing in the letter that allows you to ask, "What's a Nubian?"
10
Honestly, I think if you're sharing a computer with your SO anything that's on it is fair game. That said anything that you have to actively dig for (such as text messages) is not kosher. Just my opinion.
11
Responding to post number 1 John Galt:... I think that when you’re dating and living with that person you kind of have to conceder that you’re losing your privacy. Meaning to assume that your partner will go through your stuff is correct. Now I also don't believe anyone should be doing that. I have been dating my man for a little over 5 months and we pretty much live together even though I kind of still have my own place that I have not really seen. But, I never go through his things. I would rather not know something that he doesn't want me to know then know it. I more care about what is going on with us then what is going on with everybody else.

If someone is going to cheat there going to do it rather you look through there stuff or not.

So I just keep my nose in my own business and out of theirs... You have to have trust till the trust is broken and never go looking for ways to find if the trust was broken.
12
Women are better off staying out of BF's porn. It seems to make them insecure. And what is the problem anyway? You're getting fucked, be happy.
13
"OMG there are pictures of both brunettes and blondes on his computer, and now I don't know whether or not to dye my hair! OMG I found some gay porn, should I get a sex change?"

Be the weight that makes you happy and date him as long as you make each other happy.

Based on the "you're getting too skinny" and the "don't ever get fat" comments, it sounds to me like he likes you just as you are. Just because he looks at something slightly different in porn doesn't mean he wants you to change yourself.
14
wow. Wow. WOW. Unless it's shared, going through someone else's computer is verboten and a deal-breaker. Was in the past--will be in future for this cowboy. Gross violation of trust. Pawing through another's browser history file is something an unprincipled and mendacious parent would do to a child.
15
@8-I love that analogy! Thank you.

@12-Agreed. I know what my partners have been predominantly "into", but I really don't need the details. And I don't care to share all of my interests with them, either, though we do share some. I like knowing that there are some things that are "mine", and I want to give him the same courtesy. Plus, I can never look as "perfect" as the air brushed pictures, so why make myself sad by the comparisons?

@1-My ex dug through ALL of my stuff, going back to high school (I was 29 when we married), and he tried to hold that crap against me. Major emotional issues, obviously, which is why he's an "ex", but it creeps me out how people just assume they can go through your stuff just because you share a home. I never went through his stuff, and I never dug through his browsing history, even though we shared a computer.

Current boyfriend, no problem--we don't snoop on each other, because I told him up front that that shit will get him kicked to the curb. Fortunately, we were on the same page.
16
Kudos to comment number 1, I would like very much to see/hear Dan comment on this in the column or podcast.
17
Does anyone else feel that the policing of her body -- both "don't get fat" AND "don't ever get skinny", "your ass should always jiggle", etc. -- sounds kind of excessive? Unless her weight loss was extreme, or she outright asked, "honey, tell me exactly how you want my body to look", he sounds kind of nuts.
18
dan, why aren't you giving these ladies shit for rooting around their SO's information without cause? it'd be one thing if he was coming home from work late three times a week and never wanted to fool around. but beyond her own insecurities, this woman had no reason to take a magnifying glass to his digital footprints.
19
Admittedly "looking on his computer" sounds like snooping, but there are some non-snoopy ways to find out things you'd rather not know. You know how google can auto-complete searches for you once it knows your habits?

Well if you're looking to go to youtube on a friend's computer so you type in "yo" and "youngertrannies.com" is auto-completed, that's just not your fault at all. This happened to someone I know (and it was on his boss's computer).
20
We live in a culture becoming more and more accustomed to invasions of privacy. Soon it will not be difficult to justify constant government surveillance; private citizens already are willing to abdicate their own privacy and that of those they love (reality shows, snooping on phones, facebook). The modern American is already used to constant intrusions into their privacy; they encourage them daily.
21
Miss, you are a total hypocrite. The two types of porn that you like are things that you're not interested in. Have you ever considered the possibility that the same thing might apply to him?

@17 - I thought the exact same thing. It's like he has a 5 pound range that she has to adhere to. Extreme weight loss or gain is one thing, but those comments sound way overboard.
22
We live in a culture becoming more and more accustomed to invasions of privacy. Soon it will not be difficult to justify constant government surveillance; private citizens already are willing to abdicate their own privacy and that of those they love (reality shows, snooping on phones, facebook). The modern American is already used to constant intrusions into their privacy; they encourage them daily.
23
I'm skipping to the end, so pardon me if anyone's already said this. I don't recall anyone saying this on other "I looked at the computer and found my BF likes this kind of porn, what do I do" letters either.

Today's operating systems allow you to create separate accounts. This is good for any number of privacy issues, not just porn. (Say, if you're ordering a gift for your significant other online.) You ought to use this if you don't a) want your boyfriend/girlfriend to see what kind and/or how much porn you consume and b) are too lazy to clear the browser history and cache every time you do.
24
@21 - Seems to me that was the point of mentioning it. She seems to be aware of the double-standard, but it obviously still insecure about his apparent preferences.
25
I have been thinking that members of couples actually have more privacy now than in the past. It used to be that moving in together meant sharing a phone line, an address, and a video collection. Now almost everyone keeps their personal cell phone and no one gets real mail. So in some ways we know far less about what our SO are doing and with whom they are communicating. Maybe digital snooping is a reaction?
26
I have been thinking that members of couples actually have more privacy now than in the past. It used to be that moving in together meant sharing a phone line, an address, and a video collection. Now almost everyone keeps their personal cell phone and no one gets real mail. So in some ways we know far less about what our SO are doing and with whom they are communicating. Maybe digital snooping is a reaction?
27
#2 nailed it right on the head. What's the point of her spazing out over his porn choices not being her, when her porn choices are clearly not him, his friends, and every guy on their street. How is she any different from him when it comes to looking at porn that isn't relative to their actual lives.
28
I agree with @17 - this guy seems obsessed with her weight, so I'm not too surprised that she's paranoid about it.
29
@Atlantaqueer I think you might have a point! Never thought of it that way. But, yes - back in the day of shared land lines and delivered mail, I am certain being discrete was more difficult. I mean you could have the mistress call the office. Either way, someone would know something was going on. :D
30
I shared my porn with my ex-bf. I didn't care what porn he looked at that he didn't share as long as he didn't catch a computer virus (which he did, the fucktard). My poor lappy. If I looked at his browser history, it was to look at what was turning him on lately, and see what I could do to aid in that (sometimes without letting him know what I was doing). Sometimes it was bodymorph issues that I had to deal with, but that was easy because I was mainly reassured on that front by being dated by the person.

The girl's bf is a bit of a fuckwit. "Don't ever get fat" and "don't ever let that jiggle go" is him mind-fucking her into his fantasy (which is her current body shape). He may also like bigger women, but also may not want to deal with social stigmas about that. And, if you say there aren't social stigmas about thin dating fat, you're more naive than you think. Like is supposed to date like, etc etc. With this girl, he's getting the borderline thing, which is the best of both worlds.

The other thing not mentioned is why his ex got fat. Maybe she also got depressed, or became a bitch, or lost her sex drive, or became insecure, or something or another. This may have created a personal stigma against fat girls for the guy, even though he likes them kind of thick. And, maybe the ex started chunky then got Extra-Large, and he doesn't want that either.

There's a lot of context missing from the letter, and a lot missing from the response.

However, she should just stick with it for now and go with the flow. Fuck your body image issues, if you're dating somebody you're happy with and he's happy with you, stick with it until its over.
31
@30
You secretly checked out your bf's porn so you could get ideas on how to turn him on? OMG you rule!!
32
I have to wonder about any person who tells another how to look. And, I wonder about any person who desires to tailor their looks to another's wishes. The people who are consistently sexy are those who are comfortable in their own skin.

For most people porn is the "periodical" and the person they are with is the "reference" text in the library of their life. I hope the letter writer relaxes.
33
I have no doubt whatsoever that what the guy is into curvy girls with very large natural breasts, and pornwise, it's easiest to find those in the plump-chick genre. My ex was into big natural boobs almost to the point that it didn't matter who they were attached to. After we broke up (we remained friends for a while) he would date girls ranging from much chubbier than me (but still could be described as curvy) to girls that had tiny waists (but still curvy: think Salma Hayek types). His favorite porn was buxom girls getting fucked so their huge tits bounced around, and he almost didn't need to look at anything else in the scene. I once found him a porn series called "Plump and Busty" and he loooooved it. I would be willing to bet good money that the letter-writer's boyfriend is watching the same kind of thing for the same reason. But his ideal type would be HER type... healthy-looking, not emaciated, hourglass figure.
34
@31 I was the far kinkier of the two, though I got him to try things he hadn't tried on another guy. Awww yeah. *cue '70s porn music*

He also used my porn on me. Yay for open sexuality. If only more people could be like that.
35
If I'm in a relationship, I automatically assume the person is gonna poke their nose into at least some element of my personal life. If they don't, that's one problem I don't have to worry about.

What I got from this letter was... Is this lady looking for permission to let herself go? What is the real motivation behind asking this question? She seems progressive and normal in her tone, otherwise... My personal message to WHCMWHC is to just continue maintaining a balanced diet, and don't stop going to the gym. Stay healthy and fit, and don't conform too much for someone else.
36
Jesus H Christ what a boring, vanilla question. If I want that kind of neurosis, I'll talk to my friends. How about a more fucked up question from a more fucked up person, like a tranny who wants to menstruate, or someone who's trying to do E-stim with a model train transformer
37
@36 Yeah!

...Or something like Chicks with Dicks Fucking Guys with Pies.
38
Dan! The porn we love and the women we pursue are not necessarily the same thing! Many of us dudes like porn that is entirely outside the realm of what we actually want out of a woman! This chick should just let it go, he likes a certain type of porn, but likes her!
39
See, this is sometimes the problem with a pro-porn girlfriend. I consider myself very pro-porn; don't mind the boyfriend looking at it, I suggested we watch some together. I also sent him links I knew were clean and I thought he'd like.
Problem is, when he shares em with me, I notice the women (even the amateur ones)... look nothing like me. Like, I'm short, brunette, curvy, these women are skinny, tall and blonde. So I start feeling major levels of discomfort; am I reacting to the porn? Am I being GGG? Am I being insecure? What does it mean when a guy's porn preferences seem so different than his real life ones? (For the record: my porn is impossible to duplicate in real life.) Does that make me a hypocrite?

Yet another issue that men and women seem to have completely different assumptions about.
40
@39,

Maybe he likes variety and his porn consumption is a way to pursue it. Why look at curvy brunettes when he has the real thing in you. It is always possible that he doesn't care about the looks of the woman, but is interested in the activity? I wouldn't worry, his actions in the bedroom and in life towards you are more important than the porn he is watching. Look at it this way, if he was into watching horror movies about zombies, would you think he wanted to be a zombie or date one?
41
The dude needs to STFU about her weight. That's why she's freaking out over his porn choices -- he's micromanaging the shit out of her over her weight, looking at porn of the body type to which she is naturally prone, but telling her the whole time to not get like that.

The method by which she found out about the porn is less relevant than the fact that this dude is jerking her around over minor weight fluctuations. I had an ex girlfriend (a homo is me) who did that to me. Fuck that noise.
42
Love can be size indifferent.

Also, the stuff the guy in this letter likes is hard to find: links or gtfo.
43
I'm with those who think his policing of her body on such a minute level, and her paranoia about being able to remain in the narrow range he apparently finds acceptable, are the real problem.
44
It's difficult to gauge the extent of the boyfriend's comments about her weight. She confesses that she used to be overweight but has since gotten in shape.

When a person loses a lot of weight, they're typically proud of their accomplishment and will often share older photos of themselves to show others the before-and-after. He may've made a harmless off-handed comment along the lines of, "I'm glad you don't look like that anymore," or "I hope you don't get that big again."

As far as privacy issues go, when you're letting another person use your computer, if you're not taking necessary precautions to clear your browser histories, cookies and cache or avoiding bookmarking any potentially embarrassing sites, you sorta have to expect that your internet habits are an open book.

I wonder how much stock you can put into what types of porn a person views on the internet. Who hasn't, in a fit of boredom, looked at all sorts of porn on the internet just out of sheer curiosity? I've looked at straight porn, gay porn, bi porn, twink porn, daddy porn, granny porn. I've gone to XTube and searched FTM just cos I wanted to know what a transgender penis looked like. I've done searches for the sole purpose of testing the limits of "Rule 34."

She sounds willing to accept that her boyfriend's fantasy sex life and his reality sex life, as her own, can be two different things. I don't see a problem here.
45
Three thoughts:

1) Just because she found/fixated on a particular flavor of porn, doesn't mean that's the "only" thing he looks at.

2) Even if it is, it might just be a flavor of the month kind if thing. I think most guys go through phases. (I certainly do.)

3) She actually raised the most reasonable (and likely) possibility herself: she likes porn that doesn't necessarily reflect anything she wants in real life. He probably does too! Porn is about FANTASY. She's his REALITY, and based on her description, he's quite happy with her. Nothing to see here, move along...
46
Girlfriend wants more sex, and she's not getting it. Boyfriend is masturbating over BBW...

Embarrass the dude, and TALK.
47
@17 - Thank you! I was hoping Dan would point this out. Those comments were red flags for me, too, that she was dealing with a controlling boyfriend.
48
I don't know why but this letter seems to ring false to me...
49
If WHCMWHC is interested in porn that she's not interested in exploring IRL, then can't that be true for her man?
50
If WHCMWHC is interested in porn that she's not interested in exploring IRL, then can't that be true for her man?
51
Lots of comments about snooping and insecurity, only 2 about the strict orders on maintaining her weight...

I don't think these are seperate issues. I doubt she would have batted an eye at his porn preference if not for the get-fat-and-I'll-dump-you message. (and since she's not allowed to get thin either, there's no buffer zone to keep from slipping over into fat-land. I don't know too many people who can maintain a specific weight that precisely over the long term)
52
@44

I hope I'm not alone on this, what the heck is "rule 34"?
53
@52

"Rule 34 - Generally accepted internet rule that states that pornography or sexually related material exists for any conceivable subject."
54
@17 He sounds kind of nuts to me and so does she. But it's not surprising tome that Dan completely missed the red flags in this letter because it's allegedly about Not Getting Fat.
55
Regarding Rule 34, the specific source is this webcomic:
http://xkcd.com/305/

@23 is correct about the technological solution to this perennial problem. Another approach is to use the Firefox browser, which has a "Private browsing" mode that was built so you can browse porn without having to remember to clear out the browser history. (That wasn't what the developer of that feature told his/her partner, but it's the reason behind that feature.)
56
@ 17, 21, 28, 30, 32, 43, 54:

This guy may be a bit undiplomatic, but he is neither "nuts' nor "policing" his girlfriend's body. What he is doing is being extremely direct about two facts:
1) He like the way she looks now; and
2) He would be less sexually attracted to her if she changed

Remember your posts here this the next time you encourage your man to "communicate more." Part of the reason we don't communicate as much as you ladies about feelings is that we tend to be more self-centered and lazy when it comes to relationships .... but another big reason is that we have figured out that you often don't really like our feelings. So we keep quiet about them or just lie.

p.s. Yes, I realize that at least one of you is probably a guy.
57
@46 you missed the train...next one is at 25.12
58
no, sorry, the weight thing is still weird. he may be trying to tell her that he likes her just how she is by saying "don't get fatter or skinnier" but she is clearly stressing herself out over whatever he's telling her. she should concentrate on feeling strong, healthy and sexy and not on tailoring her body to fit someone's preferences!
59
She should "take" 'yes' for an answer, si?
60
@32: "For most people porn is the 'periodical' and the person they are with is the 'reference' text in the library of their life. I hope the letter writer relaxes."

Bang on, Kim. (@13 also makes a great point about appearances in porn.)

Think about it this way, insecure girlfriends: What if your BF did enjoy porn that featured women who shared your features? You'd probably freak out that they weren't YOU -- "OMG, they pretty much look just like me, so why can't he be happy with the REAL ME? OMG!" You'd start focusing on how her nose was better than yours, or her hair was shinier than yours, or her boobs were just half a cup bigger than yours, and freak out that he wanted a more perfect version of you.

Ugh.
61
@17, 43, others: I don't agree that this is excessive or weird body "policing." The body-related comments quoted sound like a lot, but that's because they're all in one place. In the course of a long relationship, with people spending potentially hours a day together, an enormous amount of things are going to get said about all kinds of topics. A few offhand remarks about her body shape, and his likes and preferences -- possibly spread out over the course of months -- don't equate to obsessiveness or policing. Of course, he might be weird/controlling, if he's making those kinds of remarks every day or even every week. But we don't know that, so I would assume he is not.
62
always delete your browsing history, everytime...it's the first place nosy fucks go. they're like medicine cabinets
63
Buy a portable harddrive and use Google Chrome's Incognito function. Problem solved.
64
@61 and 56 -- I don't really buy it. My husband gains & loses weight a lot (he's 5'7 and ten pounds makes a big difference on way or another) and if I were to tell him that I was attracted to him at 145 but not 155 or 135, I'd be a fucking controlling asshole. Supporting your partner's health ("Sure, honey, I'll go to the gym with you" or "Let's have a veggie stir-fry tonight!") is way different than instituting a narrow window in which you will deign to fuck them. It doesn't matter whether the body in question is male or female; a controlling partner is a controlling partner.
65
@ 58:

"no, sorry, the weight thing is still weird."

Not weird (or "nuts" as @ 17 put it). Just a thoughtless expression of a common feeling. Lots of guys have pretty specific likes and dislikes about women's bodies; most of us have the tact not be be bluntly honest about these things with our women. Regardless of your opinion that it is weird or my opinion that it was thoughtless, we should bear in mind that she seems to be OK with it: "Nothing he says to me makes me uncomfortable." She's not worried about what he has told her; she is worried about what he has not told her (vis-a-vis jerking off to women who are fatter than her).

"she should concentrate on feeling strong, healthy and sexy and not on tailoring her body to fit someone's preferences!"

She wrote: "I used to be overweight, but I work out a lot and am now fit if still curvy (D boobs, a tinge of jiggle but mostly muscular)."

She already is concentrating on feeling strong, healthy and sexy. She works out a lot, but is still eating enough to keep a "ting of jiggle", so she's not wasting away. And her man in turned on by this. That's a good preference.

The only problem here (other than her snooping) is that she is unclear as to whether her man secretly wishes she were fatter. Since she neither states nor suggests that she is contemplating putting on weight to turn him on more, there is no basis for your worry that she is "tailoring her body to fit someone's preferences."

____________________________________________________________________________________

As to helping the writer out:

My advice is not to worry about the porn.
1) Fit women with big, natural boobs are rare, so even when looking for them online, a guy will often compromise (big boobs on a chubby woman are hotter to many than small boobs on a skinny woman).
2) Sometimes guys just jerk off to get a little variety; to fantasize about someone/something different than what they get on a regular basis. This does not mean that the "other" is the only thing that really turns him on.
3) Very few guys really want to openly discuss their porn, so he is likely to resent you for trying to force the issue.

The other issue here is that you want more sex with him. You have a lot of power here. You are a fit woman with big (and I'm assuming, natural) boobs. A rare find. Get a little bossy (but playful) and tell him that he can have more sex with you or no sex with you. You can even make a game out of it- pretend you are "forcing" yourself on him, or reverse the game by pleasing yourself with a toy while telling him he's "not allowed" to touch you.

If he's not game for any of this, it may be time to start shopping for someone more compatible.

66
@ 64:

"It doesn't matter whether the body in question is male or female."

No, men and women are different.

1) Men are more visually oriented when it comes to arousal.

2) Even when men let women do more of the work in bed, we still have to get it up, so its much harder for us to go through the motions with a partner who does not turn us on.

Again, we agree that this guy was at the very least, thoughtless. I'm not sure he's a "controlling asshole", though, as this implies that he is actually exercising some control over this woman. It sounds like she doesn't have the genetics to get skinny easily and has no plans to get fat even if this guy is a closet chubby hound, and like he is turned on enough by her current body (a body achieved by genetics and healthy exercise) to bang her almost every other day.
67
@66 - assuming that 1.) the way a partner looks is irrelevant to whether women are attracted and 2.) that any modern woman would choose to "go through the motions with a partner that does not turn them on" shows that you know significantly less about women than you think you do.
68
@66

"assuming that 1.) the way a partner looks is irrelevant to whether women are attracted."

I did not say that. I said that it is, in general, less important to women. Less important is not the same thing as irrelevant. Also, this is not an assumption, as there is plenty of evidence to back it up.

"and 2.) that any modern woman would choose to 'go through the motions with a partner that does not turn them on' shows that you know significantly less about women than you think you do."

Well, we agree that I have things to learn about women. The difference between us is that you don't seem to realize that you may also have things to learn about women. For someone with a name that includes "cynic", you're a bit naive.

69
Why don't any of these couples have separate computers?