SL Letter of the Day: In a Word...

Comments

1
Word.
2
Cue comic sound effect.
3
Buy a pair of hand cuffs and put them on yourself and then tell him to fuck the hell out of you while slapping your tits. What do you have to lose?
4
Dan's right.
5
@3, exactly. Step up and help your moron boyfriend. He needs it. Make a game out of it; when he tries to touch you, tell him "uh-uh", and dangle the cuffs. You can't write someone off at 20.
6
Oh please get out while it's still simple... I've been stuck in a very similar situation for almost ten years only now I'm married and I have two children which makes leaving difficult at best.
7
He obviously doesn't know what to do. Take him by the hand and lead him down the BDSM path.
8
@5 Of course you can. She's 20. Get out there and date some anal-loving, dominating, three-some wanting men who accept your sexuality. No one should have to worry about "spending the rest of their lives together" at 20.
9
While I'm really tempted to agree with Fnarf, this guy's hopeless. DTMFA.
10
What's wrong with Vince's approach? Just try it. Jesus.
11
What kind of 20 year old male doesn't want to have a threesome with you or have anal sex with you. DTMFA.
12
"I'm really want my child to know how to ride a bike, but he doesn't know how to ride a bike. Should I just give up on him ever riding a bike?"

#3 has the better advice. He's never done anything like this. You say you're into it, but he has no fucking clue where to begin obviously. Get freaky and hold his hand so that he can get used to what it is that you have in mind.

If you pull out cuffs, butt plugs, and ask him in the heat of the moment to pull on your hair and he freaks out -- then yea it isn't gonna work. But he sounds like he respects you and so the natural leap for him probably isn't "OH MAN I'M GOING TO HATE FUCK THIS BITCH". You guys just "talk" about doing this stuff. He probably would be into it but he hasn't the slightest fucking clue on how to do it. How'd you find out you were a "sub" ... exactly.

stop being dumb and difficult.
13
They're 20!

If he doesn't respond to gentle pushes down the BDSM stairwell, then dump him. But, give him a few chances first. Alternative sexuality takes a little while to get into. Show him stories, etc. Why don't you read the time-honored classic Beauty series (Anne Rice) together? Inspire him with something. Don't just be a bitchy sub and whine that he's not doing enough to push your buttons.
14
@5, I dunno. Sounds like the guy's just not that into things that aren't vanilla. He _says_ the kink is hot but, from the sound, doesn't initiate and has taken anal off the table from the get-go.

And I daresay 20 is a great time to write someone off. She's young and probably shouldn't be wasting too much time on someone who's going to argue her sexual orientation and not engage her in a sexually adventurous manner. Maybe in a few years after he's been around a little, they can try again. But, really, she doesn't owe him anything beyond a quick exit so they can both get on with things.
15
I just can't acccpt this level of idiocy/fear. So many guys out there...SO MANY! would be so overjoyed to be with a girl who is actively seeking threesomes and anal sex. This guy ends up with one, and can't be bothered? I don't care if he's only 20. Dump him. Maybe he'll learn his lesson and screw his next girlfriend properly.

Sheesh.
16
Go! GO! GO!!!! while the getting's good. He just doesn't swing that way. This is NOT going to get any better. If he were into it, he would be into with you, but he's not, he won't, and he NEVER will be.

These things NEVER get better. The best you can hope for is he will kind of comply occasionally, after much begging and pleading, and then you'll think, "Maybe NOW it will start to get better...."

But it never will. Really.
17
Is the boyfriend shy and unassertive in other areas? If he is then yeah, take the lead and show him the what, where and how. He might be shy or not know how to go about a first step. If he is not shy in other areas then WTF? . . .cuz most guys would be all over the girl-girl stuff, handcuffs, tied up and stuff.
18
Ignore Fnarf and DTMFA.

He's not going to change the way you want, and Dan's right.
19
"he tells me on a regular basis that he doesn't think that I'm really bisexual" -- That right there highlights how totally sex-negative this guy is. He's not worth trying what @3 is suggesting. You're either gonna have to learn to love the vanilla-only sex life or DTMFA. My vote is for the latter.
20
What everyone else said!

She's 20! Wants anal sex, threesomes, and to be dominated! Her bf is all talk and no action!

Jeesus H. Christ on a bun.... tell the boyfriend "let's just be friends" and then go take your pick from what will be countless hundreds of much more willing partners out there.
21
It's tough being a sub and having o lead him -- but I fall into the give him a chance club. If you've decided to dtmfa for this reason alone, even though you love him, why not give him a chance even though it means having to be the teacher a couple of times. Then tell him to learn how to take initiate after a couple examples...
22
I vote you have a sit down and lay it on the line. Offer to help him, bring out the toys, introduce him to kink.com... If he can't or won't then part ways.
23
schmacky @ 15 said exactly what I was thinking as I read this! Sex is way too important to put up with this supreme stupidity. That said, for your own peace of mind -- make a couple of solid efforts to tell this guy you see your future including, at minimum, a little bondage, anal and threesomes and that if this is not ever going to be a part of his repertoire then you gotta go. There are times in life when you gotta make do but this is certainly not one of 'em. Also, I second the suggestion to read Beauty together -- if he squirms away or is left cold there is no hope.
24
your straight boyfriend doesn't think you're actually bisexual? he also doesn't want to participate in threesomes or anal sex with you? methinks maybe he is the one who needs to reexamine his sexuality...
25
Jeez, you people are heartless. I was terrified when I was 20.
26
Wait, wait, wait. The boyfriend is 20, has a girlfriend who's bi, begging to explore her bisexuality and BDSM with him (i.e. have kinky threesomes), and he's turning this down? I don't think so. More likely, she's being too vague about what she wants. As in, she's tells him what she wants, but he's too dense to figure it out - he is a 20 yr. old guy. Hell, he probably just got used to seeing breasts on a regular basis. So these requests put him way, way, out of his depth.

I say she should be specific as to what she wants - as in, she wants a threesome with x chick, and she wants to be tied up, and if he wants to participate, he should swing by around seven with some condoms. At that point, his reptilian brain will kick in and will shout to the rest his synapses - "HAVING SEX WITH MULTIPLE WOMEN IS AWESOME!! GET CONDOMS NOW!!!" Or, he'll immediately tell his friends, who will then say the same thing to him whilst slapping him upside the head for taking so long to figure this out.

So, its my guess that the guy is merely a dumbass, and not a prude. If, on the other hand, he has some kind of moral objection to having awesome kinky sex then should DTMFA.

27
@22 Kim now loves the kink.com! I do think the real killer is his rejection of her orientation. Sure, she can domme him into doing what she wants, and maybe she should, just so he'll get disgusted and leave her. But this guy is a Holo... I mean sexuality denier, and a prig. She's better off finding an adult for a boyfriend.
28
Typical overconfident guy who thinks he has it all figured out. Telling you what YOUR sexuality is and refusing to accept it while claiming to be comfortable with it? Bullshit. Glass-fronted closet homophobe.

He wants to fuck you his way while leaving you enough hope that he'll come around eventually that you'll keep fucking him. Please don't be stupid enough to fall for this.
29
@26 says "he probably just got used to seeing breasts on a regular basis."

I'm over 50 and married and I STILL haven't gotten used to seeing breasts on a regular basis.
30
@ 28 - Or he could just be young and nervous.

I've had exes that weren't comfortable with even mild kink...until I gave them a gentle nudge. A 20 year old guy who's probably not particularly sexually experienced probably feels a little intimidated, which is rather understandable. She needs to push him along.

Alternately, she can make clear that indulging her kinks occasionally is a requirement, not a request. She can tell him that if he won't make any effort to satisfy her sexually, he's clearly not relationship material. It doesn't have to be all-kink-all-the-time, but there needs to be a give-and-take.

Or, you know, he's just a douche. In which case, she'll be well rid of him.
31
As for the bi thing, he's probably saying that to reassure himself that he won't face the thoroughly emasculating situation of being dumped for a girl. In a really, really dickish way. On that note, she needs to make it inescapably clear that she knows her own sexuality far better than he does - he can accept it or move on.

I mean, most bisexuals end up in hetero relationships anyway. Dan is of the opinion that it's because most bi people are mostly straight. While that's probably true (most people are straight, after all, so it makes sense that most bisexuals are closer to the straight end of the spectrum), I think it also has a lot to do with the dating pool. A girl who's honest-to-good a Kinsey 3, 50-50 bisexual has a much broader pool of straight men than gay women to select from. That alone means she's more likely to find someone with whom she's emotionally/sexually compatible among the 47.5% of the population that's straight and male, rather than the 2.5% of the population that's gay and female.
32
A grudging compliance is not the same as enthusiastic participation. Eventually it will come to a head.

And then she'll wish she'd DTMFA.
33
Speaking as someone who gets called on to play Daddy even though thats not really my nature, I would say that a GGG bottom such as this writer needs to be willing to lay out a specific list of desires and lead for a little while. I get the sense she hasnt done that in the heat of passion, and has only had these discussions at a distance. Subs want you to intuitively know specifically how to dom them, but everyone's different. And unless the Daddy's a mind reader, that's not happening - especially if this is new territory for him.

Plan ahead. Try initiating sex and literally putting the ropes in his hand. Or whatnot. If he's squeamish, Dans got your answer. Or again take the lead and tell him you're inviting another girl on a date with you. Squeemish? Answer.

Once he understands what you want and how you like it, he may take the lead himself. Or not. And then you've got your answer.
34
Waidaminnit. He's not into the idea of a MFF threesome. A twenty year old is not into the idea of three-way sex. BDSM might be a little outre for him, but ... a threesome?

He doesn't want to do a threesome?

As others have suggested, TBF is not the one with the questionable sexual orientation here.

And while it might be true that he's too naive to be able to process what TBF is asking for - oh, come on, bullshit. When I was 20, a couple decades ago, I sure as hell knew what a threesome was, and would quite happily have done one had my partner suggested it.

No one is that naive. No one.
35
I had a boyfriend who behaved almost exactly the same way as the boyfriend referenced in this letter. Lots of talk, no action. During the breakup, he confessed to me that he had just been hoping I'd 'get over it'. He tried once or twice to top me, but it was the same sort of 'trying' where he was just so bad at it that he was hoping I'd stop asking. Sort of like stories I've read about women who are purposefully bad at sex, in hopes their husband will just give up and stop asking.

Here is what I suggest: find a dominant friend of yours and set up an evening where he or she comes over and demonstrates how to dominate you in front of your boyfriend. Not a threesome, per se, but showing him how to tie ropes, the sort of kinky roleplay and power exchange that gets you off, etc. Your boyfriend might be really interested, but seizes up when it's go time, too afraid of looking dumb for not doing it 'right'. Having a friend demonstrate takes the pressure off you, the sub, and lets him know that this is his chance to learn 'how its done.'

And make it clear to him that if he can't make things happen after this tutorial, there's only so much you're willing to live without.

And the next time he says you're not really bi, tell him that he doesn't get to define you.
36
@6, sorry lady, I feel your pain, as I am a bit in the same situation.

TBF - RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh to be 20 again and know then what I know now..
37
@34 Right! The correct response is, "You made my dream come true. Marry me, have my children, bring in three or four dominant queens to make me shake with ecstasy."

The last being what he really wants. It's not that she's bi and wants threesomes, it's that she wants threesomes, and she's not bringing in men. He wants a guy's dick in his ass so bad he can taste it.
38
Oh Libraboy @ 27, reading you makes me think of my favourite tattoo. And, don't you wish you knew if my comment was a reference back to yesterday's SL Letter of the Day or a reference to my last modeling gig? Thank you for making me smile.
39
@25 Seriously.
40
@17

I have a boyfriend who is quite shy and a bit socially awkward (it's part of his charm; I adore it), so he's not the type to initiate things. I want to explore a bit of light BDSM (I'm actually pretty much just like the woman in the letter; 19, bisexual, sexually submissive, etc.), and I know that I'm going to have to initiate it. I have no expectation for my boyfriend to suddenly buy some handcuffs, pin me down, and fuck me as hard as he possibly can.

So with that being said, she should hopefully know her boyfriend well enough at this point to know whether he's the type that needs some serious guidance or if he honestly just won't even try it because he doesn't want to.

Buy some cuffs, help him out, and then DTMFA if he's still not giving you what you need.
41
He's either:
1) gay,
2) a fundamentalist Christian, or
3) both.

My bet is (3). DTMFA, but try to shock some sense into him with @3's suggestion first.
42
Also, as for him not thinking you're bisexual, tell him to knock it the fuck off. He can think that if he wants, but let him know that you're totally fucking sick of hearing him say it.

Fortunately, my boyfriend loves that I'm bisexual and we check out sexy ladies together. It works out very well.
43
I'm not quite in the DTMFA camp yet.

He's 20. 20 year old guys can be a bit dense (to put it nicely). Or even totally clueless (to put it not so nicely). If your discussions about threesomes, anal sex, or BDSM have been at all subtle, it is entirely likely that it has gone completely over his head. A little more direct unequivocal communication is required.

If direct unequivocal communication doesn't work, then yes, DTMFA. If you're kinky and he's vanilla (and unwilling to go down the dark side), then this relationship is doomed to fail.
44
It's also worth finding out what his deep dark fantasies are. Get him to show you the porn that gets him off... He'll appreciate you more if he realizes that your openness about sex means you'll respect his sexuality even as you're asking him to respect yours.

But stop, just stop "trying to at least be mentally submissive, even if I don't get any help from him." Been there, done that, lived to see how pointless it was. You may be able to get some BDSM in the bedroom, but he's not going to dom you in day-to-day life.
45
You are a twenty year old bisexual girl who's submissive and wants to do threesomes and anal.

Girl, DTMFA. There are thousands of men and women out there dying to meet someone just like you and treat you like the darling little sub you want to be. Don't waste your time with somebody who isn't fucking you the way you want to be fucked when there are people out there praying to cross paths with you.
46
Dan is right. Don't make the mistake I did. 12 years wasted. DTMFA and now, while you're still young and hot. There is so much ahead of you, so much fun to be had! And you will fall in love again.
47
All right, you're both 20 or thereabouts.

1.) Be explicit, show him, don't wait for him to get the kind of BDSM you want (kind of hard to bottom from the top, but if he likes it, he'll catch on).

2.) Allot a reasonable amount of time for him to get it: say two, three, six months, maybe a year, if you can wait that long. But in that time, DO NOT MAKE ANY LONG-TERM OR LIFETIME COMMITMENTS. Nor should you get pregnant.

3.) If he still doesn't "get it," if he refuses the threesomes, only does the anal and dominating rarely or grudgingly, tell yourself and him that you tried, he tried, and it just won't work.

You'll still be 21 or so--plenty of time to find a guy who will love your girl-girl-boy threesomes, be thrilled that you like anal, and who gets off on tying you up or shaming you, or spanking you, or whatever your sub kink is.

But if he hasn't come around by the time your pre-set time limit hits, you do need to realize that he will never change--I don't think most people can change their preferences or sexual response. And you will have to decide if you can live "forever" without having the kind of sex that gets you off. I don't think you'll be able to and I don't think you should have to.

And don't waste your time trying to diagnose his straightness or gayness. That is besides the point anyway.

My vanilla ex-husband didn't share my kinks. We agonized. We discussed. I tried to show him. He tried to comply.

It didn't work. He's not wired that way, and to ask or expect him to change is to ask or expect the impossible. I suspect that your bf is the same way.
49
Sigh. If only this were as cut and dried as the polarized replies make it sound. Thing is, TBF, they're all correct. I think some of them are giving you too much credit for being on top of what you want and expect than you actually may be (no offense, you're a kid, too--sort of in the "I am 17 going on 18/I'll take care of you" way). Even if you've been doing this since you hit puberty, you're still 5-6 years max into the journey.

There are two possibilities on his side: he's resolutely vanilla (it's doomed--cut your losses) or he's kinky but there's no guarantee that your interests are going to match up (what if he's a big ol' het sub who wants you to lock him in a CB6000, tie him up, and have your dom love cum on his face after he fucks you--where does THAT scenario fit on your personal hotness scale?).

You've got a major renovation ahead of you if you're going to move it. You need to find out if the foundation's stable before you invest the effort. There are lots of good suggestions how to do that above (if a one on one session with a dom showing and telling is a bit much for where he is, drag him to San Francisco for the Folsom Street Fair in September or some other place you can watch demos with other kinky people and then HONESTLY gauge his reaction). If you don't do the evaluation, you're going to be stuck in a relationship you resent and doesn't satisfy you. There are people who do worse than that. You need to decide if that's enough.
50
@30 and 31...

I admit the young and insecure part might have a lot to do with it, and perhaps it's just knee-jerk on my part for having had the "you're actually straight" leveled at me despite being far more inclined towards girls. Still, the fact that he tells her on a "regular basis" that her sexual identity isn't what she says it is, and that he's passively refusing to indulge her in things she is clear are essential to her sexually, both give me a creepy vibe about this guy. It is probably his insecurity about being dumped for a guy, I agree, but there are less invasive/emotionally abusive ways of assauging that worry, and frankly, at 20 and in a relationship of a year (of which several months have already been miserable for her sexually) I don't think either of them should be invested in something that's tearing her, at least, apart this badly.

That said, if it's a matter of cluelessness on his part (and I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here) she really does need to be more proactive in getting things DONE. Not talking about her desires, but, as someone else suggested up-thread, cuffing herself and demanding he fuck her, for example. I know that can be insanely tough, but she'd need to take the first step, as @40 plans to. Aah, miscommunication (non-communication?) issues.
51
Don't just let him get away with saying "It sounds hot" but never doing anything about it.
Guys can be dense, especially young guys. Get some rope, some cuffs, or whatever and lay them out on the bed. Tell him if he wants to get laid, he's gonna have to tie you up. Don't be deadly serious about it, make it fun for him. Let him know in advance that he can stop if he wants to, and that you both have a safe word. Most men are raised to believe that it is ALWAYS WRONG to be rough with women, so be sure he knows that this is "just pretend" and he isn't really hurting you against your will.
52
@38 Kim, reading you usually brings to smile to my face. If loving you is wrong then...etc.. Yes, I was assuming you meant the SLLLTD, but you're blowing confusion in my face, or just teasing me.

What does your favorite tattoo say? Does it mention me by name?

Always a pleasure.

Signing off from Vancouver, WA.
53
I agree with Fnarf - the best part about a relationship is discovering and learning one another. TEACH HIM how to please you. We men can be clods sometimes - we need coaching, but we're afraid to ask for it. Why do you think most of us never ask for directions?

Hang in there. TEACH HIM.
54
I could have been the letter writer 10 years ago. I married the guy. Guess what? 8 years of marriage and 2 kids later our sex life is now great! Indulges most of my fantasies and has pushed my boundaries too (who knew I liked anal?) Still doesn't top as aggressively as I would like, but you know, these things happen. He'd probably like me on top more often, but it's not my thing, so we compromise. If you like everything else about the guy, work with him. You don't have to make a lifetime commitment, heck you don't even have to make a month long commitment.

I suggest you start by putting your needs aside and asking him what gets him hard. Maybe he's not so into vanilla, but is terrified of sharing his kink with you. Seriously, my husband didn't mention for years his fantasy of my being with other men, which is such an incredible turn on for me. Insist that you won't reject his turn ons. Don't promise to participate of course, but getting him to open up might help make him more receptive. And maybe it'll be good for you too.
55
I kind of was the boyfriend in one of my relationships- except that I'm a chick. My boyfriend told me all these interesting things he had done and enjoyed and wanted to do again, and I expressed interest, but I had no fucking clue what to do. So we just had lots of vanilla sex- because he never took to initiative to help me learn form his experience how to do the stuff he was interested in.
56
@55 Did you tell him that you had no idea what you were doing, at the very least?
57
Libraboy @ 52,

I was being saucy. You're assumption was correct.

As to my tattoo. It's the goddess Themis or Dike or Justitia (which ever name you prefer). People who are cool with a naked breasts love her, those who don't frown disapprovingly. She's 1/3 me and that was my last "modeling" job (1/3 1917 Liberty Standing quarter, 1/3 winged Themis on the Parliament building, Victoria, Australia). Your handle reminds me of her balanced scales.

Take care.
58
Okay, TBF. Here's the deal. He's telling you that you're not really bisexual because he really, really wants you to prove that you are. In front of him. With your best friend or his ex or whichever other woman in your life he's into. He's just scared to admit it openly because he's young and dumb and afraid of getting in trouble, and he might have some kind of stupid white-knight complex in which he thinks he's a better person for pretending not to want a threesome.

Same with the BDSM, really. When I was your dumbass age - or rather, presumably your boyfriend's dumbass age - I really wanted to be sex-positive, but deep down I still hadn't shaken off my grew-up-in-the-South convictions that kink was bad and wrong and deviant and that I shouldn't want it. I thought that anything other than tender, cautious, gooshy, vanilla monogamous lovemaking indicated disrespect for my girlfriend and for women in general. I'm surprised Dan didn't call out a bit of Madonna-Whore complex here, because that'd be my guess as to what's going on.

Lay it out to him in no uncertain terms. Get the both of you a little drunk first if you have to. He's got some growing up to do, but you might be able to push him a long a little bit. Stop just waiting around for things to get better, though... if you make your desires clear and he doesn't come around, THEN you DTMFA.

You say you've "suggested." Have you considered just getting some implements of whatever type you want, presenting them to him, and saying "We are doing this right now"? Before you give up, quit hemming and hawing and go for it.
59
Quick story:

When I was a 20 year old boy, I didn't know a thing about kink. I had a girlfriend who owned the Anne Rice "Beauty" series that TheMisanthrope mentioned in post 13. She encouraged me to read it, and I did. I found it strange but hot, and finished all the books. They made me horny and prompted me to have lots of hot vanilla sex with the girlfriend.

Things never turned kinky with her. I realize now that I should have talked to her about the books more (instead of just fucking her) to see if she was into BDSM. I also realize that, if she was kinky and hoping to introduce kink with those books, she should have been more explicit. Reading those books was the first step, though, down the primrose path of kink, and I'm grateful to her for giving me the initial nudge. 15 years later, I'm plenty kinky.

The morals are: 1) 20 year old boys are sometimes clueless, and sometimes need some pushing; 2) You need to be explicit about what you want, and sometimes you need to push; and 3) Sometimes it takes people time to grow into kink.

You stand to lose nothing by following Fnarf's advice. Why not try it? You can always take Dan's advice after Fnarf's, but you may not be able to take Fnarf's advice after Dan's.
60
Supply and demand. If this guy can't step up, dump his dumb ass. You're 20, bisexual, and kinky - YOU ARE A RARE AND SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE/UNICORN. Kid, you got your pick of guys. Go hang around the engineering department at your local university or something.
61
What's so submissive about someone who's only happy being dominated in the ways SHE wants?
62
He'll likely wake up years from now and think, 'wow I really fucked that one up!' I'd (almost) kill for a GF like you!!! All you dreams and more. annon94607(at)gmail.com Might get lucky who knows right?
63
Other_coast @54, you go girl!

@61 Have you been there? Submission is a weird, paradoxical thing, but subs are still human, and have sexual preferences beyond literally getting told what to do. If the dom only gives orders like "paint my house", then there's not really a D/s relationship there.
64
There is a french book called "l ' education sentimentale" i am only using the title to advice as many others in this thread to educate hubby into the extremely sensual and hot world of dom/sub anal and threesomes. If he is not into that he will never be and as they say in my country there are other oranges in the orchard.
I would suggest you that if you can't afford kink.com to go to xtube.com , the site has a lot of amateur small vids and lot of kinks and it is free
65
Whoa, questioning that you're actually bi? Yikes.

If I were you, I'd cut this dude loose. He sounds pretty incompatible with your tastes and the lifestyle you want to have. I'm kind of sympathetic to the whole "YOU SHOULD TEACH HIM TO BE KINKY!" fraction because that sounds like it could be fun for the two of you if he's game, but he's basically done everything he can to show you that he's not.

So, you'll have to decide whether to ramp up the suggestions & hints, show him some kinky porn or books etc, or dump him and explore your sexual tastes with someone who's less of a wet blanket. I'd tend toward the latter because you're quite young and 20 is a great age to play the field.
66
Lots of great advice here, TBF. Based on Dan's history of advice, he's right for most individuals, and your letter seems to suggest you're one of them. You don't mention your boyfriend's age. I have to agree with Fnarf, nocutename, other_coast and others about age and maturity being a factor.

For the past decade, I was a 20-something-year-old guy discovering kinks through experiments and encouragement. There were also plenty of situations that were discouraging and negative, and that shaped what I was willing to try. There seems to be a communication problem. You wrote, "He tells me that he finds it hot and can't wait to try, and then nothing happens." Maybe he's turned on by the thought of it, but feels pressured because it's something less comfortable for him and because he knows you want it so much. Maybe he's not turned on, but he tells you so because he wants to make you happy. Are you saying those things and expecting HIM to initiate?

I'm wondering is what you are doing to initiate BDSM or a threesome or anal or some kind of wild adventure with all three. Have you helped encourage him verbally and with your hands? Have you told him handed him a whip/paddle/Gallagher's sledge/etc. while you're in bed and asked/begged/ordered him to spank you? Are you willing to take these things on one at a time to give your boyfriend a chance to try to be a GGG partner? Have you talked to him about how you feel and how you want him to be GGG?

In many ways, this is an opportunity. You want to explore various kinks and your partner seems to be uncomfortable. It might be a way to slowly work into your kinks in a responsible way with a partner you trust. Of course, you have to decide if the progress towards a GGG relationship is satisfying for you. As several people commented, millions of guys and girls would love to have a girl with your sexual appetites. How many of those guys will want you for you and how many will just want to whet/wet your appetite? It depends what you want from your experiences.

You have a right to the sexual experiences that you want, but at 20, you have the choice to wait for the guy you're with to get there or DTMA and find one of the millions of guys who will meet more of your sexual desires. As far as whether the relationship will work or not, that's anybody's guess as you can see above. There's a variety of possibilities. Sexual fulfillment is important. Maybe give your boyfriend a timeline for how long you're willing to wait or deciding and not telling him. There's no wrong answer, but you deserve to get more sexual fulfillment as soon and as much as possible. ;)
67
Think of your sex life like sharing movie candy. Right now your boyfriend seems to prefer Milk Duds (vanilla sex), but you want to be with someone who wants a threesome (Mike and Ike), anal (Tootsie Roll), girl-on-girl action (Swedish Fish), and lots of experimenting (Good & Plenty).

Who knows, you might even want to Crunch his Skittles from time to time. The point is that you both have different tastes. Maybe you can balance your tastes together. Maybe you have to order your candy separately, but you still watch the movie together. You could also leave him and find someone new to share your candy.

If not your current boyfriend, there's plenty of Nerds out there who would Butterfinger your Jujyfruit until your Dots tingle like Hot Tamales.

But be aware of a potential problem if one of the Goobers you know starts telling Whoppers about how you got him so into kink that he needs to up the taboo factor and starts busting Sno Caps to YouTube videos of Junior Mints, Raisinets, or Sour Patch Kids. If that happens, Starburst the fuck out of there!
68
@67, man, you sound high.
69
@20 is on the money, honey!
70
I'm actually in this same position now, but on the brink of marriage and really unsatisfied with the way things are in the bedroom and the communication leading up to it. And part of the problem in both cases is the other person not taking a good chunk of initiative and fulfilling a good chunk of the GGG.
It sounds like her partner won't even describe what turns him on, either. This girl is not only describing her turn ons, they're something most people would be thrilled to get a crack at. I tend to think that when you have to lay it all out by the numbers "First do this, then do this, then this..." it stops being sexy and starts being just a boring process for the other person to follow before they lose interest.

A kinky, GGG would take this fucking ball and run with it. DTMFA.
71
For everyone who thinks her situation is easy because so many people will want to sleep with her - I'm guessing she's not going to be looking for random hook-ups. Finding someone you like and care about, who's close to your age, that you're physically attracted to, who likes you back, AND is kinky in compatible ways, that's not an easy feat.

72
Maybe so, @71 . . . but it's still going to be a hell of a lot easier for her than it is for most guys.
73
@ 67 - Now I want some candy. Where is my chocolate...?

Also, at 20, I was pretty GGG, but if you take an inexperience guy who doesn't really know what he wants and/or can't communicate it very well, sometimes you need to do what other posters have suggested and dom to get him to dom you. Guess it helps a lot that I have a fairly dominant personality....

Now to go buy some rope for this weekend, this thread has been inspiring!
74
For most of the letter I was on the side of try pushing it once or twice then if he doesn't go along dump him. For example, tell him that tonight he doesn't get laid unless he ties you down and smacks you around a bit (or however you like it). If he goes for it maybe he's trainable. If he is totally unwilling dump him.

Then I got to the "I acknowledged going into the relationship that some of my fantasies (threesomes, anal sex) would never come true with him" and turned right around to DTMFA. He's not willing to give in on threesomes and anal? EVER? You've just accepted that you'll never get that? Fuck that! These are all fantasies that are very common for men. You can find countless men that you will love that will fulfill all of those fantasies gladly and think you're the greatest woman they've ever met because you have those fantasies. Go find one of them.

Screw this chump. Dump his ass and find someone you're compatible with. I give you 2 weeks max before you find a dozen guys that will satisfy all of your fantasies gladly. Then you can start narrowing it down to find one you love.

BTW #67 here is one of the best comments I've ever seen on this site!
75
explore your fantiasies! do it now, make sure he is into the same things as you are... if he's vanilla and doesn't want to play...you have to move on... don't deny yourself....
i am a 45yr fem bi who loves to play, and have denied myself my whole life! lived the life, the wife, mom, soccer mom, grandmom now... and i woke up one day in my sexless marrage and realized what i missed out on... it saddened me. it woke me up!!!
i realize how much time was wasted by me not being myself in every aspect of my life....not just sex, not just fun...but life..
if your denying yourself THIS then what else are you denying yourself and are you being true to yourself then?
76
60, you made me laugh out loud, because it's TRUE: the freakiest guys ARE in the applied sciences. I don't know why but I've found it to be so over and over again. And because they're geeky, they don't know how adorable and wonderful they are. Sheer heaven for us freaky smart girls!
77
@6 don't be stuck get masgroovy
78
Ugh, the random jokes about "haha he's so gay" because the LW's boyfriend doesn't want to do a MFF threesome are repressive. Just fuck off, right? Guys have told me that while they enjoy the fantasy, some of them suffer from "what if I can't compete with another woman sexually" anxiety. And some of them are germaphobes who hate the idea of anal. That's just what their preferences are -- having people repeatedly assert that there's somethng "wrong" or they aren't actually straight is so fucking ridiculous, and it's an idiotic double standard.

The most problematic part with TBF's boyfriend is the fact he keeps having to tell her (and himself, probably) that she isn't really bi. It's douchey and deeply condescending. I'd leave just for that.
79
"He is the most wonderful person I have ever met, and I can honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with him."

Also, this isn't really something to worry about at 20. Your relationships at 20 are to have fun and explore yourself, your partner, and your sexuality.

So marriage/life-long partnership can pop up, but it's probably not the best idea to be thinking about it too much.

I refuse to even consider marriage until I get my degree.
80
@31 Anne in MA: Exactly! I completely agree with you. I'm pretty much down the middle when it comes to being attracted to both sexes, but of course I'm going to have an easier time finding men to fuck/date/be with because there are SO many more men into women out there than women into women. It kind of annoys me when people think being with women for me is more of a kink than an orientation.

As for the letter writer, I'd say you could be direct about what exactly you want to do in the BDSM arena. If it's just that he's insecure and inexperienced, you can't dump him into the deep end of the pool. Small things, like maybe even just telling you what to do in bed without any equipment, might be the place to start. Make it a point that this is very important to you, and not just something you want to daydream about.

Then again. . .

"However, even though he says this, he tells me on a regular basis that he doesn't think that I'm really bisexual, despite the fact that I have been in relationships with women."

. . . maybe he's just a douche bag.
81
One more thing to the letter writer: You could have your pick of guys out there. I'd say 99.9 percent want to have threesomes and would grovel at your feet for the chance to do that with you.
82
Hahaha, fucking perfect, Dan. I was reading it thinking "man this is terrible, i wonder what unique spin Dan will have" and then BAM! That's it. Nothing else to be said, the relationship is bullshit.
83
I'm pretty vanilla, and have dated pretty vanilla (though reasonably open-minded) guys. Yet I don't think I've ever met a man who would actually turn down anal sex. Seriously.
84
I acknowledged going into the relationship that some of my fantasies (threesomes, anal sex) would never come true with him,

Too bad you like the only guy on the planet who's not into threesomes or anal sex.
85
78/Gloria: Ugh, the random jokes about "haha he's so gay" because the LW's boyfriend doesn't want to do a MFF threesome are repressive. Just fuck off, right? Guys have told me that while they enjoy the fantasy, some of them suffer from "what if I can't compete with another woman sexually" anxiety. And some of them are germaphobes who hate the idea of anal. That's just what their preferences are -- having people repeatedly assert that there's somethng "wrong" or they aren't actually straight is so fucking ridiculous, and it's an idiotic double standard.

I agree with you that it's silly to assert that a guy isn't really straight just because he's not interested in a MFF threesome. On the other hand, I find it fascinating that a straight guy wouldn't be interested. I guess I don't see why a guy would be sexually threatened by his girlfriend or wife being with another woman. Another guy, yes. I understand that. But not another woman.
86
@57 Kim, that Themis tattoo sounds delightful. I love great ink!
87
I have been this guy.

Maybe not exactly, but pretty close. When I first came to BDSM I didn't have a clue; now I can be the most sadist fuck out there. Lots of decent guys are pretty heavily conditioned against this kind of thing. I've known a couple who were married a dozen years before she came out to him (or discovered herself) as sub, and he expressed his difficulties, "of course I love this kinda stuff, it's the kind of thing you joke and talk about with the lads at work, but it's not the sort of thing you're supposed to do with a nice girl or your wife". For the record: he got over it.

Trying But Frustrated needs to initiate a little - as difficult as that is for a sub, he could come home sometime to find her naked and handcuffed to the bed. She needs to tell him to be rough and to be nasty and that HE WON'T BREAK HER - from my own experience I know that it's hard to overcome the mental barrier that you're not "allowed" to explore this stuff with your sweet girlfriend.

The 20 year olds that are going to be completely game-on for this without any thought or consideration probably already have plenty of notches on the bedpost. That's all fine and good - I'm sex positive - but guys at that age? Guys at that age with plenty of notches on the bedpost are probably not all that considerate in other ways, either; that's fine for occasional rough sex if you're already self-confident about this shit, but they're probably not great relationship material. It's most in my interest to tell this girl to find an older guy who already has some BDSM experience, but give this kid a break - tell him to go on irc.bondage.com and ask some questions, before throwing him to the curb.
88
Thank you, Libraboy @86.
89
"I guess I don't see why a guy would be sexually threatened by his girlfriend or wife being with another woman. Another guy, yes. I understand that. But not another woman."

Why not? A bi person is capable of having a successful romantic relationship with a man or a woman. That means that your bi partner could leave you just as easily for a woman as for another man.
90
TBF's boyfriend could just be young and inexperienced (stupid), might as well try to break him in. Sit him down, plan together for a bdsm session and DO IT. If he still won't try or is bored to tears during it, then break up.

@31 Thank you, I keep making similar arguments! We bisexuals find more opposite sex dates merely because those are statistically more likely. I haven't had any girlfriends yet because I meet far more compatible men interested in me than women. Thus, my dating history doesn't reflect my level of attraction towards each gender.
91
Here's what you gotta do (having recently dealt with a couple boys in their early twenties who 'thought they were vanilla' types myself).

You tie them up. You spank them. You slap them. You toss his salad. You lick his ears and his nipples and his toes. You blindfold him and jack him off with your feet. You buy black rimmed glasses, a pencil skirt and a ruler, and tell him what a naughty boy he is. Bring home a cute friend, let her know what the deal is, and both of you can try to seduce him. In my experience, there's a good chance that one of the above activities will totally drive him wild, and he'll do whatever you want to get you to do that thing to him again.

That or he thinks you're a total freak, you know you did your best, and you kick him to the curb. But seriously, don't give up on young vanilla boys. They just haven't come across a freaky enough sex partner to open their doors yet. How are you going to know if you like have you salad tossed unless someone tosses it?
92
@89:

> A bi person is capable of having a successful romantic relationship with a man or a woman. That means that your bi partner could leave you just as easily for a woman as for another man.

Yes, but it's not *sexually threatening* for most men if their bi partner leaves them for a woman. It is if she leaves them for another man. Men are often worried about competing with other men and how they measure up against other men.
93
...unless you can try an open relationship of some sort. Get your other needs met elsewhere.
94
If this were a letter from a couple in their 40's then I would agree and say there's no way it will work. But since it's from a young couple, neither one of them is fully developed just yet. She needs to hand him the leash, so to speak, and give him some coaching about what she wants specifically. Since she's a sub, she probably expects him to do all of the initiating. But he's not an experienced dom and may not be all that experienced otherwise either. She should pull out a few tame, beginners-level toys and see if he is interested in playing. The problem could be that he finds it very exciting in theory, but isn't sure how to put it into practice. Also, as a young male and the more vanilla partner, he might be intimidated and worry about his performance. He's probably feeling inadequate and might be downplaying her bisexuality to protect his male ego, even if he thinks she's the hottest woman he's ever met and he fantasizes about threesomes. Even guys who want threesomes need to think that they are the best sex you've ever had. If she keeps his needs in mind, and is willing to walk him through it, she might find he's more willing to try new things. If the relationship is that great otherwise, then it's worth at least attempting to work things out in the bedroom. Coach him some more, give him specific instructions, top from the bottom and see how things go. If it still doesn't work at least you know you made a valiant effort.
95
A word of caution: Don't try something over the top and under no circumstances should you give him one of those Anne Rice books. When I was about 21, I had a boyfriend request that I read a book from the Beauty series- while I found some parts sexy, most of it just freaked me out. Also, I didn't know much about bdsm at the time, so I didn't make the connection at all that it was his way of telling me he wanted to get freaky. I'm not sure if it was denial or naivete on my part, but I had no idea that he was into bdsm. If you want something you have to ask for it and make it happen.

If someone had approached me in the right way when I was in my twenties I probably would have gone for it. Instead, I've had a series of bizarre experiences, none of which led to anything kinky. The first guy told me to read the Anne Rice book, which went right over my head. I didn't know anything about bdsm and thought that it was like, just really strange erotica. The next guy took me to a bdsm club as a special "surprise". I found it erotic, but it didn't lead to any bdsm, because he didn't talk to me about it afterwards. The third guy spanked me so hard that it was anything but erotic, asked me to tie him up with his belt and then showed me his whip. I pretty much knew with him, but he still was too chicken-shit to just fucking get it over with and talk to me about what he liked. A healthy, open conversation about sexual preferences would have gone a long way with any one of these guys. I might have been open to it.

For all you kinksters out there looking to bring bdsm into a relationship with an inexperienced partner- you have to talk about it in real terms and let your partner decide for themselves. Nothing wrong with dropping hints, but if you want to play hard, you have to initiate it the right way. Just giving someone a book, taking them on a field trip to the bdsm club, or spanking the shit out of them isn't going to do it. I would have been happy to experiment and play if any one of my kinkster boyfriends had approached me the right way. The hints went over my head and the overly aggressive dominance was not a turn on for me (a bit scary actually).

It wasn't until I had a sub/switch boyfriend into CBT request who specifically asked that I spank his cock that I got to play. If only someone had done that sooner, I would have realized that I actually am a bit kinky. But because the previous approaches were either too subtle or too forceful, I didn't even realize what a turn on it could actually be. I suppose I should have known that I had bdsm tendencies when I watched Secretary for the 10th time, but then again, I grew up in an extremely repressed environment. It's been really hard for me to come to terms with being even mildly kinky. It would have been nice if someone had approached me the right way much sooner :(
96
@the OP

1. Visit www.fetlife.com

2. Show your BF www.fetlife.com

3. Wait to see whether he runs away screaming or not.

His jibes about your bisexuality, his lack of interest in performing even the most "vanilla" of kinks and his overall dismissal of your inclinations towards doing those kinks imply that he either isn't taking you seriously or that he's repressed to a ridiculous degree. The easiest way to show him that your "needs" are to be taken seriously would be to visit the site, talk with people who've managed to bridge the gap between kink and vanilla, then bring him to the site and show him those desires in explicit terms. If you don't, he'll continue to ignore your requests and enjoy the status quo.

Or, to put things bluntly, hit him upside the head with the clue-by-four before you find yourself in a "boring" relationship. Believe me, even the skeeviest jerk will look like a Hollywood icon in your eyes if your need for kink isn't met by your SO.