lucky guy!

Really. Just relax and enjoy. I bet that young stud rocks your world!

She needs to follow Dan's advice.

But lock the bedroom door if there's spanking ... even if fully clothed.

@ 3 - And maybe some sound-proofing, too.

And that's why they pay him the big bucks! Dan is worth every penny and more.

At the risk of being a downer here, there are a couple of complications that Dan and the more enthusiastic commentors are not addressing.

Obviously, while these two are enjoying banging the hell out of each other, they should. But if what NBACB wants is a long-term relationship -- and a potential father-figure to her kids -- this is pretty clearly not going to be it. It's all well and good while he's a young stud and she's a hot cougar, but in another six years she's going to be 50 while he's turning 32. I rank the odds of him being in for the long haul at that point as around zero. And if that long-term relationship is what she wants, she should probably be out there looking for it right now, ideally with someone in her own age bracket.

...which is not to say that they shouldn't both enjoy the hell out of shagging each other senseless in the meantime, but they both need to be clear and up front about how and why this is going to end -- and she shouldn't stop looking for your partner while she's banging her boytoy. (And she should be honest with him that she's looking.)

Also, for fuck's sake: limit the amount of time he spends with the kids. Zero would be ideal, but since that's probably not possible, just try to keep it to the bare minimum. He's not going to be their new dad, he's not even going to be their lifetime new friend, and this relationship should end, when it does, with at most two broken hearts, not four.

I'd like to think @7 is wrong, but he probably isn't. That said, enjoy the hell out of it and quit worrying. You could die tomorrow.

@8 Everyone should have that outlook in just about every aspect of life. They should probably make alcohol and condoms with that printed on the packaging.

Calm down, Doctor Memory (@7). Her kids are pre-teens, not toddlers. They've probably got this one figured out by now. I am going to assume that they have a dad and aren't looking for a replacement in the form of the guy who's banging mom (as the product of a "broken home", I can tell you that my dad is my dad, and my step-dad is more like an uncle I really like, and never shall it be otherwise).

I'll tell you a little story. A friend of mine (let's call her "Sue", shall we?) was 21 when her mom called her and said, "I've been dating a guy for a while, it's getting a little serious and I think you should meet him." When Sue got there, "Derek", a kid who had sat behind her in high school geometry. "Is your dad dating my mom?" Sue asked. "Uh, no," Derek said, "I am." Derek and Sue's mom celebrated their eighth wedding anniversary this year. If those two can make it -- especially since, like the LW, Derek and Sue's mom are both in the same professional field -- then the LW doesn't necessarily have anything to worry about.

So, relax. 26 is old enough to start making some life choices, and if they're sexually compatible, attracted to each other, and having a good time, I don't really see the problem.

@7 not necessarily. the main thing is what is she going for ... there are no guarantees in life anyway.

The reality is right in these words...
"my life—as a single parent of two kids—is more than he's ready and able to handle"
The sex is great, the emotional connection is wonderful, but the reality is the future is not good. I think @7 is right. Have a good time, but be fair to both of you and look for someone who has more similar life milestones in place and in mind.

Love/Lust aside- Nothing ages you more than being in the company of MUCH younger people...

Hic...

@7:

"[I]f what NBACB wants is a long-term relationship -- and a potential father-figure to her kids -- this is pretty clearly not going to be it."

You have no way to predict that, and you probably don't have a good (non-anecdotal) reason to presume it.

"[L]imit the amount of time he spends with the kids. Zero would be ideal, but since that's probably not possible, just try to keep it to the bare minimum."

Why? There's nothing this adult couple is doing that they need to be ashamed of, and your certainty of failure is not sufficient to block two entirely other people from engaging in reasonable family-type activities.

You're right that things might not work out with them, but then again, things clearly didn't work out with NBACB and the kids' biological father(s) either.

Yes, the kids might end up hurt; but they also might not. Children growing up with single parents get used to the idea of that parent dating. And they generally don't give their hearts over to be "broken" very willingly. If things don't end up working out, it's NBACB who'll be the most hurt, I suspect. The kids will rebound with considerably more agility.

Is it possible, Doctor Memory, that you're just personally repulsed at the idea of a 44-YO and a 26-YO, and that this repulsion is biasing your judgment?

I'm 16 years older than my hubby of 13 years. He was 20 and I was 36 when we met. Obviously they can make it work.

I know three couples where the woman is 10 to 25 years older. In once case they've been together 20 years, she's 73, he just turned 50. It hasn't always been smooth sailing, and there weren't kids in the mix (and her grown kids were very resistant) but they found each other and no one can tell them they shouldn't have stuck it out.
Even if NBACB broke up with him tomorrow, there is no guaranteeing that he would then go out and automatically find a more appropriate life partner with whom he would fall madly in love, have healthy kids, and live happily ever after. I think the "opportunity cost" view of relationships is a conceit at best.

Falcongirl, have seen a similar situation with some freinds. Things were great until menopause, then not as much fun. That aside, were there young children involved in "Sue's" situation? I think that has a bearing, especially if he isn't ready to deal.

Don't read too much into it, people. Dan's advice is spot-on.

Oh for fucks sake #15, don't be deliberately stupid. If I were personally repulsed by the idea of a 44-year-old schtupping a 26-year-old I would probably not have repeatedly and enthusiastically told her to enjoy the sex while it lasted. This isn't Harold and Maude, not that I would have given them particularly different advice.

Ditto what @10 and @15 said. I think if the mum continues to love and spend plenty of time with her kids, she should be able to date the younger guy, and her kids should be able to deal with it. If he's a nice guy, then he'll probably be a good role model for them. Life is a lot more fluid and forgiving than some people think. My parents split up when I was 5, and my mum dated a guy who was 10 years younger than she was. They eventually broke up because he wanted to start a family, and she was 40 by then and didn't want to start over. We thought he was a great guy, and have continued to see him on and off, socially, for the last 30 years. Life doesn't have to be such a big drama, and if she doesn't see it as a big drama, neither will her kids. Dang, woman, enjoy the ride and post pictures!

i can't attest to the "kids" part of the equation - i suppose dad/mom getting a new person in his/her life is a crappy adjustment to make no matter what. but age differences do not in themselves matter at all. my husband is 13 years older than me, and a guy friend of mine has a wife 11 years his senior.

it's all who you connect with, and if you take reasonable care of yourself and make an effort to keep/cultivate common interests, there's no reason to fear that the age difference will matter later on.

p.s. when we married, i was 22 and he was 35. we're married 14 years this september. my guy friend is 40 and his wife is 51, together 10 years so far.

y'know, just for added info.

I think NBACB should give the kid another year or two. There's still a fair amount of growing up to be done from one's mid- to late-20s these days. There's also the possibility that he'll want kids of his own and at 44, that's something NBACB should really think long and hard about as it poses more health risks to her and the child at her age.

Anyway, just to add another story to the "love knows no age difference" pile: My dad is 12 years older than my mom (36 and 24 when they first met). Their first date was seeing Animal House in the theater and my mom laughed so hard she wasn't sure my dad would call her again. They celebrated their 30th anniversary last year. He had two kids from his first marriage, to boot.

Hell, my grandma was in her 20s when she met my grandpa who was 52 ... and when he died, she married my other grandpa who was something like 12 years younger.

26 is fine. Younger ... give it some time and see how it works.

The problem? I'm 44 and he's 26. . . . So, is an 18 year-age-difference insurmountable? What do you think?

An 18 year age difference, one where the man is the younger of the couple, isn't insurmountable. And it could last a few years. But I think it's very unlikely it would last a long time. He's okay with you now because 44 isn't that old. But when he's 44 and you're 62, that will be quite different.

Still, it could last. You never know. If you think he's that great, then go for it.

So, is the question "can our age difference work"? Or is "should I count on this guy I've broken up with every 4 months to become a stable part of my family" a better question?

@27, so, which grandma were you fucking? I think I'm starting to understand what your problem is.

Yeah, it's surmountable. I met my husband when we were 24 (me) and 42 (him). It stopped being a problem when we (mostly me) stopped thinking it was a problem. Our families are fine, his kids are fine, everything is great. If neither of you wants this to be an LTR, that's cool, but you don't have to assume that it won't work because of the age gap.

No one should have to outlive their kids' marriages.

@7 "but they both need to be clear and up front about how and why this is going to end...."

Since when does anyone EVER achieve this? Or is it just me? Is this what I'm doing wrong? Wait, let me try it: "Honey, we have some options: a) you can lose your job and fall into a depressive funk, refusing to wash until I leave with health concerns b) we can slowly grow so peacefully comfortable and numb to each other that it takes us both by surprise when one of us falls in love with a fireman/ballet dancer or c) I can have a religious/new age/sales & marketing conversion and turn into an insufferable evangelist. Take your pick, but make it snappy, it's time we got this thing settled!"

The main reason that young people have sex with old people is that they have all the control. The old person ends up being a doting parent, buying them stuff and putting up with them in exchange for sex. Enjoy it, but don't ever get used to it.

My rule number one of life is: Don't Marry Your Ho.

I don't think there's a problem because of age difference. I think there's a problem because he doesn't want to take on the responsibility of your kids, and because you guys break off for vaguely listed reasons.

I dunno. If this guy was a hot piece of ass, I'd continue banging, but I wouldn't rule out looking for something else more stable at the same time.

The suggestion that someone should look for a more "suitable" partner while shagging the one that they are clearly in love (or lust) with (sufficiently that they keep getting back together) is spectacularly unrealistic.

Dan is right to give NBACB permission to be with this guy - you can't write someone off for the sole criterion of being a bit younger but the reason for the repeated relationship problems needs to be addressed honestly. If this guy, hot as he is, is the wrong person for her life she needs to face up to it and move on now rather than deal with growing resent and eventually being left on her own further down the line.

Why is it unrealistic? Or should I say, 'insurmountable'? ;-)

Maybe for emotional reasons it would be. If we're just talking lust, I don't see why it's a big deal to leap-frog when the relationship is shaky.

My brother married his 2nd wife when he was 36 and she was 58. They've been happily married for 15 years. It can work, but he was older than the LW's boyfriend, and had had it with women his age.
That said, they've had numerous challenges that an olderman/youngerwoman never have. All their kids had some getting-used-to to do, as did my parents. It was almost like when *I* told family I was gay. So it's a struggle.

I'm a 44-year-old straight woman with two kids—both pre-teens—who divorced nearly five years ago.

My god they must have been young when they divorced, though!

Okay, I met my partner when I was 19 and he was 42, and we fell in love. But there are hazards, never doubt that. I was an undergrad and he was one of my professors, so even after I'd left college there were issues of power and authority, of how he could intimidate me.

But now it's reversed, as I'm now 53 and he's 77, bedridden and very frail. Power and authority are no longer issues. I love him and take care of him, and I know I may not be able to do so much longer.

I don't think you should make age difference a deal killer, but you should be aware of the implications. I can honestly say that from my early 20s I realized that staying with this man would mean arriving where I am now, with my task being to ease him to his end as well as possible.

I only say that if you enter into an age different relationship, you should do so with your eyes open and understanding the issues. I did as a young man, and while the times I'm now facing may be tough, but it's been a great 34 years, and I wouldn't have missed the ride for anything.

I don't think there's necessarily an expiration date on relationships like this one, but it kind of sounds like the LW is getting a little frustrated with the drama of repeated breakups. Maybe she needs to make it clear to him that she doesn't expect a ring and a new daddy for her kids within the next few months? Unless that's what she is looking for, in which case, looks like she might have to chalk this one up to "I'm still hot enough to pull 26yo ass" and move on to more mature pastures for good.

I don't think there's necessarily an expiration date on relationships like this one, and all the anecdotal examples show that for some people, age really is just a number. Thanks for all the stories, you guys, they're really sweet to hear about!

However, it kind of sounds like the LW is getting a little frustrated with the drama of repeated breakups and makeups. Maybe she needs to make it clear to him that she doesn't expect a ring and a new daddy for her kids within the next few months? Unless that's actually what she is looking for, in which case, looks like she might have to chalk this one up to "I'm still hot enough to pull 26yo ass, fuck you ex-husband!" and move on to more mature pastures for good. In any case, I hope she can appreciate the fact that love is possible for her to find in her current situation, so no matter what happens with this relationship there's plenty of hope for a great romantic future.

Sure they can keep dating, but if they want to get married, they should do it before she hits menopause because marriage is about procreation.

oops, sorry for the double post you guys. I was trying to edit!

I had a friend whose father was 45 when said friend was born; his mother was 24. It was the father's second marriage. Flash forward 21 years. The father was in perfect health and the mother died of breast cancer. The father is now 90 and still going strong, and has been married for 20 years to a woman who is now 75 and having significant health issues.

You never know what life will bring.

And for those who think she should be looking for a guy more age-appropriate: what makes you think most guys her age are looking for HER?

Maybe I'm biased. I've got a 48 year-old female friend whose kids are in college and she, after much wringing of hands, finally accepted her 30 year-old boyfriend's proposal of marriage. They're one of the best couples I've ever seen, and have already been together five years.

@47 -- I'm about the same age as the LW, and if I were on a dating site, yeah, you'd be right. People get all funny about a number and what it means. But when I meet guys in person, they know I'm not 21 but other than that have a hard time telling exactly where I fall on the age spectrum. In my circle of friends, the guys are all about my age, and they've all hooked up over the past few years with women of about their age or even a few years older. Men might say on dating sites or surveys that they're looking for younger women, but when it comes to their actual behavior...not so much. If the LW can pull hot 26-year-old ass, chances are that she's not one of those women whose mid-40s has brought frumpiness, weight gain and uncontrolled gray.

No, an 18 year age difference is not insurmountable. However, 3 breakups over 14 months is cause for concern. In addition, as T mentioned, the boyfriend may want biological children of his own at some point, and by that time NBACB will be close to 50 and possibly menopausal. A relationship can survive that, but it definitely puts a strain on it.

@47, "You never know what life will bring"

So true. My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years. I'm 42, he's 25. We share many common interests, get along really well, and the sex is hot. Who knows how long we'll be together. We're happy now and that's what matters to me.

I have a relative who was almost 40 when she met her future husband who was 23 at the time. The relationship lasted over 30 years until he died of cancer.
She sometimes worried about her getting old and frail while he was still relatively young and healthy, but life doesn't always work out that way. She's still quite healthy.
So, I'd say enjoy it while you can and don't assume anything about the future. You really just don't know what's going to happen.

If the sexes were reversed, everyone would be congratulating the older member of the couple for 'catching' a hot, young partner.

And, to add to the anecdotal evidence, my grandmother was older than her last 2 husbands and outlived them both - she was in her mid-30s when she married my 22-year-old grandfather and 55 when she married her 38-year-old 3rd husband (but she was a few years younger than her 1st husband, who died of the Spanish Flu).

I'd be more worried about the breaking up 3 times thing than the age thing - unless she is breaking up with him over age related reasons.

Menopause shouldn't be part of the equation. If the boy someday wants his own biological children, who says they have to be hers? Surrogacy ain't just for the gays.

Age differences aren't show stoppers, but biological clocks work different between men and women. He might not be ready to move into her ready move family, but what about her if and when he's ready to have biological kids of his own? Is she going to be OK with surrogacy for him? Is he going to be OK with the hassle and expense of surrogacy when the "easier" solution is to marry someone of childbearing age? Surrogacy ain't just for the gays, but there are reasons why people with other options usually use them.

Sure, age isn't the only consideration but it sounds more like they fell into bed than in love. A repeating cycle of breaking up every few months doesn't sound particularly healthy, or that either of them is thinking in terms of he long haul.

@13 - too true. When I was 51 and had a 25 y.o. girlfriend, she sure as hell aged me.

@35 - can't generalize like that, but good advice, "Don't marry your ho".

Dan's advice and the better advice here is basically: don't over-think this. Have a good time. Love is really important, and screw what other people think. Cherish what you've got.

I'm not clear on what either one of them wants out of this relationship. Lifetime commitment? Or just seeing where it goes? She says her life as a single mother is more than he's ready to handle and has led them to break up. That sets off red flags for me because it screams mismatched expectations. They need to be honest with themselves and figure out what they can live with and are willing to compromise on to make things work. And the primary thing to consider is not their happiness levels, but the welfare of her children.

I believe there are no set rules for how single parents should handle relationships in front of their kids. It depends on the kid, the other parent in the picture (or whether there is a second parent in the picture), the maturity level of the romantic interest, etc.

However, the LW's statements imply to me that she's either shoving him into a father-type role too quickly or he doesn't get the demands of parenthood. That needs to get sorted out. And it's not really an age-related issue - more an issue of the maturity levels of the people involved.

IMO, if she wants a purely physical relationship with this guy, she can go right ahead and have it and age doesn't matter at all - but she should limit his contact with her children. If they're not in an emotionally committed relationship, she really can't involve him too profoundly in their lives. They're young and it's not fair to make them think this guy is planning on being around for the foreseeable future - plus, if he's not committed to her emotional welfare, he's unlikely to be committed to theirs. If she wants a long-term committed relationship, she needs to determine what his level of commitment is to her and her children and how much he understands. If he's going to be at least a semi-permanent presence in their lives, he needs to understand that his claim on the LW's time is secondary to theirs (within reason). That's something people of all ages - even other parents - often fail to grasp.

53/Schweighsr: If the sexes were reversed, everyone would be congratulating the older member of the couple for 'catching' a hot, young partner.

I'll congratulate her. I'm sure she's pretty hot herself if she can attract a 26 year old guy. I just think it's highly unlikely that the relationship is going to last (and think it would be more likely to last if the older parter was a guy.)

The age difference is utterly irrelevant. If he were 42 and she were 26, not one single solitary person would bat an eye. But for some reason, the reverse causes people to stain their underdrawers with horror.

What IS relevant is a maturity difference (which could happen just as easily with a 42-year-old guy). If he's not ready to be married to a woman with teenage (or near-teen) kids, then, um, don't marry him. But that shouldn't stop them from seeing each other and having fun as long as it lasts. Maybe he'll grow into the stepfather thing, or maybe it won't happen until the kids have grown up and moved away, or maybe they'll just grow apart. But I'll be damned if I can see why they are so obviously doomed (as some here seem to assume) simply because OH HORRORS! someday she will be 50.

(hint: her girl parts don't all dry up and fall off at 50. Honest, they don't.)

(I'm 50, goddammit.)

@58 Yes, yes and yes! You've strung together some of the bits that were floating around.

LW's letter wasn't about sex. She mentioned that the sex was great but what about age? Age = maturity and ability to handle the way life goes and the way you handle what you're handed. You can't saddle a 16 year old with the same problems a 30 year old would have and expect them to thrive.

That being said, I think the LW was really asking was if the 18 years of missing life experience between her and her lover are going to continue to present a problem even IF the sex is bongos.

And for my humble opinion, yes, I think they will. Not because of your kids, but because they are now getting to the age where they're going to start growing up and breaking away from you. They're going to want to go to parties and hang out with friends, and generally spend more time away from home which can be a major stress on parents, especially if they don't have a great relationship with said children. Not to mention the fact that your ex is going to be involved in this part of their lives about as much as they are, so you now get to pick your battles and present united fronts as much as possible.

Will this affect your lover? Of course, because bare bones read that you'll essentially be spending more time on your children and your ex than you will on him.

Sex notwithstanding, you'll have to be prepared for the fact that you may have to live separate lives, a lover who isn't emotionally invested in your kids won't care that you had to drive out to a friend's house to pick up one of them because they had too much to drink and got sick in the backseat of their friend's dad's car. In fact, there are men that see that kind of concern and affection for children that aren't genetically their own as a turnoff. (And yes, even men who thought they wanted kids turned tail and ran when the little one was born because they felt like they weren't #1 anymore.)

If you can deal with that, well, get yer fuck on and prepare for more breakups. If not, start looking for someone who'll provide stability for YOU. With the Teen Years coming up, you might need that on top of a good lay.

You can be in a relationship with each other without living together. If he is freaked out by the idea of being step-parent, he can live separately and still love you. There are all kinds of different relationships.

I know an extremely happy couple that has been married for many years where the wife is 18 years older than the husband. They seem like they belong together, and now that the husband is in his 40s you cannot really tell the magnitude of the age gap.

I met my last boyfriend when I was 41 and he was 22. We were together for 7 years. We had fun for a while, although there were power imbalance issues. In the end, it didn't work out, but we parted as friends., which is more than I can say for my [previous] marriage to a more so-called 'age-appropriate' partner.
I do find it interesting to hear the few stories about May/December romances in which the *younger* partner died young. It really goes to show that being hung up about age can rob you of love. In those cases, I'm sure the older partner didn't think he or she would outlive the younger one, and yet it didn't work out that way. And if they hadn't defied conventional wisdom, they would have missed out on the opportunity to share the years that they did have together.
In this case I have to agree with the other posters who are more concerned about the frequent breakups than the age difference. But, he might still grow up and be 'the one' to keep forever.