SL Letter of the Day: Kinky Coffee

Comments

1
Browned butter is magic.
2
Also, what he can do is find a group that looks like a good match that has munches or meetups, contact their coordinator(s), and introduce himself. Most of the time, they're very friendly and willing to talk back & forth via e-mail a few times to get some background. Then when he shows up, he meets up with the coordinator(s) and he/she introduces him. I know this might sound patronizing because it's dealing less with the kink and more like social networking 101, but folks would be surprised how many people waltz onto scenes either putting themselves way too out there and being obnoxious or come out and are way too timid. If he plays it cool, it won't even matter that he's a newbie.

I wish his penis a speedy recovery though!
3
Also - "I know that participants in lifestyles can sometimes be a little impatient with beginners."

Is that true? As a non-kinkster, but accepting of kinksters, this would suck if it was true. Dan? Is this true? Are participants in lifestyles impatient with beginners?
4
I get my kink at Starbucks. It's mediocre, but it comes with less attitude.
5
Um, what was the point of saying he just got circumsized? Does it actually have anything to do with the question? Is he saying that getting circumsized caused him to suddenly want to explore being kinky? Strange. It seems off topic to me, but whatevs.
6
You were extolling the virtues of Voxx Coffee last year.
7
This guy should try his new kinky penis out at black rock city or the sf decompression party in the fall.
8
@5: Phimosis is sort of a difficult condition to deal with and have a normal sex life.
9
Is a circumsized penis considered kinky now? I don't understand why an extremely common penile trait like this one should serve as a catalyst for kinkdom. He's obviously just looking for an excuse.
10
@3, It's more or less true of any organization of people. I don't think it's a particular issue within the kink community, but your mileage will vary depending on the actual people you're hanging out with.
11
10-10 weekdays are really stupid hours for a coffee shop! Kind of insulting to people who live in the SOMA, this coffee joint just sort of assumes that they don't have jobs to wake up and get to!

Sounds interesting though, and I"m always looking for new things to Yelp about. Maybe I'll check it out after work.
12
@8,
Ah, thank you! That makes sense then.

I need to brush up on my google skills.
13
Another suggestion would be to check out Fetlife.com a free networking site that has event schedules(everything from parties to munches to workshops) based on areas/regions as well as dates. it's also a great place to learn more about his kink, the scene in general and a fairly safe place to ask questions. You'll find lots of advice for newbies on there.

The impatience with new people often has to do with folks coming into an already established community(which has a bit more justification then some for being cautious and needing to know folks can be trusted, given our interests) and expecting to walk right in and get some action a la porn plot. Most folks with standard social skills know that with any new relationship a certain amount of wooing is called for. Put your best foot forward by doing your research(hence the link, but there's also a lot of great books out there if you prefer doing things old school), be clear about what YOU have to offer others not just what you want from them, and like Dan said, focus on friendships and networking FIRST. Workshops, munches and kinky coffee shops are a much better place to start then play parties. The West Coast is pretty tribal socially and the BDSM scene even more so, its often about who you know just as much as who you are.

But it really is worth the social acrobatics and remember no matter how big leather britches someone is, we were all newbies once.

At the very least you have an interesting story about medical masochism to share...though even within the sex positive community, I wouldn't make that your opening line.
14
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phimosis

I normally make it through most letters without having to look up a word - this time I didn't make it 2 sentences!

Good luck, have fun, be safe :-)
15
@9,
I thought the same thing, but check out @14's link and it'll make sense.
16
Get your rocks off at Coffee Time.
17
@11, this is SOMA. Some of us are doing our jobs on our laptops at Wicked Grounds right now.
18
I thought that part of 'Alejandro' was hot, too. Good luck, Newbie! Here's hoping that surgery enables you to have a fun, healthy sex life!
19
Another good resource in the Bay Area is the Society of Janus. They maintain a pretty comprehensive calendar of all the kinky, fetish, sex-positive events that happen here (and some international ones as well), from beginner classes to munches to fetish balls and leather retreats!
20
http://soj.org/calendar/

That's the link to the Society of Janus calendar.
21
Hey NK, hope your recovery from surgery is swift and you soon get to have a lot of fun exploring your kinks!
22
Alejandro is really more of a retelling of Spain and it's brand of fascism than anything else.

I recommend cocoa butter.
23
@14: Nope, still don't understand. The circumcision should, according to Wikipedia, take care of it entirely. And he'll just have a circumcized penis. So what?
24
If the glans (head) doesn't expose because of the foreskin, I'm guessing it's not very pleasurable. Sort of like wearing a condom.
25
@3 . . . I think the point is that there are an awful lot of somewhat clueless people (some well-meaning, some just oblivious, some actively assholian) who show up on a scene, don't bother to educate themselves about etiquette, and do things like go to a BDSM club and order random women to kneel before them (that's on the asshole end of the spectrum), or try to have a conversation with someone who's doing some complicated rope bondage (on the innocent but possibly irritating end of the spectrum). I would imagine the same thing would happen if you showed up at a Rotary Club meeting with little or no knowledge of Robert's Rules of Order. It's just that obnoxious folks in a kink setting can have that whole extra "creepy sexual harasser" vibe that you probably wouldn't get by incorrectly seconding a motion to elect a new treasurer.
26
@23 - if this guy's dick used to look anything like the photo on the Wikipedia link, then he probably didn't have much of a recognizable sex life to begin with. My guess is that he's waking up to some new things he wants to try now that "simple" sex is easier to manage. (In the same way, jerking off in bed late at night is not news; but having your first apartment, where you can jerk off in the living room in the middle of the afternoon - that's pretty cool.)
27
@26 - and being able to do it in the middle of the afternoon on the couch might just make you want to try doing it with the shades up. And then at night with the shades up! And then at night with the shades up and the lights on! And then with a friend! And then with a different friend! And so on, and so on...

I have lived across the street from people like this.
28
@25, well fucking put my friend!
29
@23: I believe he is saying, "Since currently my dick is out of commission, I thought I might take the opportunity to expand my sexual range." Seems admirable to me.

@11: Wow, insulted by coffee shop hours? *That* is touchy.
30
@ #26, 27 (this guy I know in Spokane):
So . . . um . . . what did you say that address was?
31
Fetlife.com is a great resource for all things kinky. Go to any events members organize, especially the munches, so people can see you are sane.
32
@23 I agree with the other comments saying that the circumcision is only the "catalyst" to exploring his kinks insofar as it means that a major inhibition toward him having an active sex life is now gone. As he put it, it's "the perfect opportunity for a fresh start." So, it's not that his newly circumcised dick makes him kinky, it's that his newly freed dick head is enabling/encouraging/begging him to (finally) fully explore his sexual interests.
33
Newbie Kinkster will quickly learn that the "scene" is stuffed with a variety of dysfunctional people at a much higher rate than general society. Doms overwhelmingly tend to be narcissistic assholes who learned that the BDSM scene is a way to get laid with those traits; subs tend to be obese survivors of childhood abuse who insist BDSM is a treatment for their PTSD...only, they're still constantly having flashbacks. The executive director of the BDSM national advocacy organization ( National Coalition for Sexual Freedom) and Wet Spot's Allena Gabosch's BFF, Rena "Leigha" Fleming has a criminal record, mass psychosis and she constantly misrepresents her life.
34
@30 - ha. This was 2 different neighborhoods in Boston (20+ years ago) and 2 different apartments in Spokane (12-15 years ago). Fun times. I'm sure it still happens nowadays, but now I live in a house and my neighbors are all elderly recluses. The only things I see in their windows are cats and house plants. (Mercifully.)
35
This is Newbie Kinkster. I appreciate all the feedback, especially from Mr. Savage. If you haven't googled it, Phimosis is a condition where the foreskin doesn't pull back properly making intercourse difficult if not impossible. I was actually going to get Dan's advice on what to do, but just decided to see a urologist instead.