Dom, please, seek help for your heroin addiction. The spiders will go away.
Thank you for validating my observation that they seem to be everywhere right now!

srsly, maybe I just forget each year, but dayum.
They are all over our house too. We kick them out, but the lazy bastards just set up web right outside on our porch. On the upside, we are ready for halloween.
Remember the scene in "Arachnophobia" where the huge spider climbs down the shower head, and ends up washing across the girl showering, who opens her eyes just as it's sliding past her belly button, and screams? This is what I'm picturing in your bathroom, Mr. Holden, sorry...
the bigger they are the more they thirst for human blood. sleep tight and don't let the BedBug bite. Seriously. nomnomnomnom
They are in your house to defend you by eating all the insects that would otherwise crawl and fly into your ears and corners of your eyes and walk inside your mouth while you sleep. Muster some gratitude, man.
@6) Logic has no bearing on my feelings about this matter.
Flanders & Swann's "Spider in the Bath" encore.
Last night I had a dream that my house was overrun with spiders (as in fact it is) and I called my friend, who is nicknamed the Spider Ambassador (long story) but he wouldn't come help, so of course my dad showed up, got down on all fours, and started crushing spiders with his fist (thanks, dad!).
"prowling for me when i'm at my most naked." :-) i love that!

i suffer from arachnophobia as well, and everyone's been talking about how bad this season has been already. our house is usually pretty lousy with them by now. i hope i don't jinx it when i say so far it hasn't been that bad here. every year we're good for at least a few hand-sized ones, and countless silver dollar-sized ones. they cruise all around my downstairs. horrifying.
I used to have a roommate who would take care of all the spiders for me but now I live alone and cower in fear when I see them :(
If you're not adept with a Solo cup and a piece of thin cardboard, keeping a charged Dustbuster nearby (with crevice tool attached) is helpful. Just remember to empty the dust cup right away, or they may crawl back out the nozzle.

I have a relative who doesn't even cap them with the Solo cup; he holds it at an angle and knocks them in with a practiced explosive puff of air, then ferries them outside.
Nice touch, tossing the word "sentient" in there. That's right, they're figuring out what you're most afraid of, and planning how to use that against you.

I'm figuring duct tape is the only real way to keep your butthole safe while you sleep, and that will only work until they develop mandibles that will slice through it... or maybe acid venom that will dissolve it! Yeah... because then it will just keep eating into you and give them a perfect place to lay their eggs!
I love the big ugly European cross spiders because they NEVER come in the house. I always root for them when I see the big webs this time of year because I know most of them will fail to mate and leave a patch of eggs to hatch next year.

Indoor spiders are a pain, but we are on our second generation of cats who love to hunt big spiders so we haven't seen a big hairy one inside in 15 years.
Spider bites even from venomous spiders rarely have severe effects unless you're bitten on the junk, which--when it happens--usually happens when sitting in an outhouse. So if you're heading to a campground or state park with a pit toilet in these waning days of summer, check inside and under the seat.

A delightful medical study from 1927:…
two words: necrotic lesion. don't get bitten by anything in the tegenaria genus, and if you do (you'll know within a day or two), don't delay medical treatment.
giant house spiders typically come into your house looking for water, they're generally quite shy and reluctant to bite humans, and their bite is about the same calibre as a mosquito bite. but most importantly, their sworn enemy is the hobo spider, a much more aggressive and venomous spider. hobo spiders tend to be more transient and like finding warm places to hang out, you know, like your bed. their bite can cause necrossis, which sucks if you don't know already.

giant house spiders like building their webs around human houses, and they're very territorial. and they're giant. in other words, they'll totally keep the true nasties away. so i'm just sayin', if you kill a giant house spider, you're scoring one for the hobo spider. but i guess if you're an idiot who doesn't know what going on around you maybe you deserve a gangrenous, acrid spider-related bite wound.
I assure you all that Dominic's arachnophobia is as legitimate as any of his other phobias. Signed: his dad.
Keep a can of hairspray ready... seriously. One shot and you have a dead spider statue. Aerosol works best!
@7, you're right, me neither, I'm only whistling in the dark. Secretly I believe the more spiders are in your house, the fewer there can be in mine. So thanks for hosting them.

And @8, I love you for that.
@6: That is why I let spiders and centipedes do whatever they want in my house. We have an understanding: they don't crawl on me or eat my possessions, and I leave them alone, avoid them while vacuuming, and usher them to safe cracks in the wall when I see them in the middle of the floor.
Don't care what they're up to, but the motherfuckers are taking over, inside and outside the house. They can have at it outside, but inside they get the fist. MY HOUSE.
this summer may be a bit worse because of the out-ot-average wet & cool. but this is Spider Season. it always will be. cheer up - we could have roaches and scorpions.
oh, and plant everything you can to attract hummingbirds. i watch them pluck spiders right out of their webs regularly.
The giant house spider was introduced to our region from France.

The more you know...
I used to hate the big spiders that would appear in my house in the fall. Then I got 2 cats. After that when I saw a spider I would call the cats and they would play with it, bat the poor thing around until it curled up and died, then one of them would eat it.
Now I live in a condo with no spiders and no cats, but both will someday return. (I'm about to retire.)
Knowing that giant house spiders scare off the hobo spiders does give me some comfort, except that based on my Google image search, they seem to look similar (to my untrained, unwilling-to-get-close-enough-to-tell-eye).

I came across what I thought was a hobo spider in my bathroom and learned that when you're naked and unwilling to step on the spider, a toilet plunger does the trick.

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