Comments
Please wait...
Comments are closed.
Commenting on this item is available only to members of the site. You can sign in here or create an account here.
Editors' Picks
is a proud member of the
media network
media network
All contents © Index Newspapers LLC
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
More than you know, EAO. More than you know.
I agree that he was free to do what he wanted, but he knew EAO was struggling, and not even close to being aware of his true feelings. He was really insensitive. The guy sounds like a nasty bit of work. Good riddance.
Why are you people saying this letter is from a female? Seems to me it's a guy.
Still a drama queen, though.
But .. what Dan forgot to say is you need to move.
NOW.
But EAO - WTF were you doing still sleeping in your now-roommate's bed?!? And still hoping for sex?!?!
Your jerky ex MUST have been aware that you were still secretly hoping for some show of emotion (or lust) from him - he let you go on thinking that, all the while knowing that there was no possibility? MAJOR DOUCHE!!
EAO, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but your ex really and truly did for you the very best thing he could, which was to end it. The sooner this guy is totally out of your life, the better. (And yeah, those mutual 'friends' - you can do better, trust me.)
If my ex slept with our mutual friends a week after a break-up, I'd be pretty hurt too. Moreso by the friends, though.
Fortunately, he moved out of our apartment, so I don't have to deal with what EAO is dealing with, but I have been in a similar situation before, so I can empathize. Bottom line: you need to get out of that apartment as soon as possible. Crash with a friend or relative until you find a new job if you can. Being around an ex who you care about who doesn't feel the same way is toxic and bad for your emotional well-being. As hard as it is to accept, he is free to fuck whomever he likes, whenever he likes.
EAO is not just living in the same place as his ex, but sleeping in the same fucking bed! Is there any surprise here that he's entertaining hope that the relationship may pick up again?
My advice? GTFO and get on with your life (GTFOAGOWYL?). Go stay with friends, like 1 says. Or go home to parents, if that's an option. Or join the foreign legion. Or whatever.
@5 I dunno. I think the ex was trying to be a good guy here (knowing EAO's precarious financial situation). My guess is that by avoiding the question of how future relationships would be handled, the ex didn't want to give an answer that would push EAO even further off the deep end and was probably trying to spare EAO further heartache.
What would have been the right thing for the ex to do? Bite the bullet. Ending the relationship means ending the relationship: someone moves out; people move on with their sex lives. I think the ex came at it with the best of intentions, but has ended up doing more harm than good.
Rip that fucking band-aid off.
Not only is it none of EAO's business what his ex is doing any more, it is obvious he's still pining for the ex, and hoping to get back together (still sleeping in the same bed???, thinking the ex owes him some consideration, etc). Not going to happen.
If the orgy happened a week after the breakup, I have news for you. He was probably planning it before the breakup.
Seriously though, I think the living situation warranted a little additional sensitivity. Sure, he's free to fuck whoever he likes now. But an orgy? With mutual friends? A week after the breakup, still sleeping in the same bed, and with the ex too broke to move out?
More I think about it, the more I think fnarf @22 has this pegged...this is not just cruel, but caluculated.
Dan is right, EAO's ex is his ex and therefore has the right to do whatever he pleases. However to suggest that it's drama queeny to be upset that one week after breaking up with you the ex goes to an orgy with a mutual friend is absurd. For fucks sake, have none of you ever been dumped and felt shitty about it? If there's something inherently wrong with being sensitive just after a breakup then you might as well condemn the whole damn world.
Your first mistake EAO, which I'm sure your aware of, was living with the ex. Trying to hold on to your contact with the ex is natural but really counter-productive and it will only cause you pain, particularly if he is so over you that he's up for romps with multiple others including mutual friends. You say you can't avoid him. Unless you work together I would encourage you to re-examine that idea. Are you sure you can't arrange to meet mutual friends without him, explaining your reasons? Distance is needed now, and if it means not getting to meet up with the whole gang but maybe just some individually perhaps that's a step you need to take. Good luck!
So, having an orgy with MUTUAL friends a week after the relationship ended, and then telling the ex about it a couple of weeks later, is pretty bad. Now, having an orgy after a breakup isn't bad (so long as everything is safe), but having a delightful time with mutual friends is a little bit tricky - and if the delightful time includes an orgy, that's not so good. Also, telling the ex about said orgy was probably a bad idea. He should have lied about it, and worked with the ex to set down some ground rules. . .
On the other hand, it is perfectly possible the ex-bf told EXO about the orgy to convince her to move out of his place. After all, it was his place, so, he now has to support his ex-girlfriend financially, can't have dates over, and now she's bugging him about the rules?
Dumper only told dumpee about the orgy because dumpee was pressing dumper to talk about it and demanding honesty. Dumpee sounds like a real tool. At least dumper didn't tell dumpee how their mutual friends don't like him and were waiting for them to break up (otherwise, um, mightn't they have all had an orgy together before then?).
Again, tool.
Sympathy is warranted. Dumper, along with the mutual friends, while perhaps having cause to act like assholes, have indisputably acted like assholes.
Well, if you press hard enough, you can get any information out of anybody, but if you're really broken up, i.e., seriously not together any longer, even a dumpee has to have the intelligence not to press for information that might turn out to make him/her feel even worse; or s/he has to resist the urge to be manipulative. I've been dumped, and I didn't enjoy it one bit, but once I was dumped I didn't go back and nag and whine and beg and plead to get information out of my ex about what he'd been up to that was fun and exciting since he'd dumped me. "And boy did he not want to tell me!" tells me that EAO was not taking the high road, or the intelligent one, toward recuperation from dumping.
The advice asker really, really, really needs to move out.
For many reasons.
There's got to be some real separation and distance after a breakup. No living together, no hanging out, no asking about the ex's sex life. Some people can be friends again after some time apart and some people can't, but the time apart is crucial to let both parties move along and heal.
Most of the letter reads like a countdown to a drama explosion. Sleeping in the same bed with your self-involved emo ex? Orgies with mutual friends right after a breakup? Nagging and demanding "honesty" from the guy who dumped you? "Giving in" and revealing the orgy to the ex? The drama bomb explodes!!!!
Both of these people are nothing but drama. I feel sorry for both their future partners. What a bunch of unnecessary nonsense.
Dumpee is being an emotional dipshit. The relationship broke up, and then he became clingy. After that, Dumpee wanted FWB sex (which you shouldn't with the ex you're currently trying to get over) in an attempt to hold on to Dumper. When Dumper made the move to get on with his life, Dumpee threw a possessive fit.
It's not like Dumper had an orgy while Dumpee was even in the same town! It's not like Dumper wanted to tell Dumpee about the sex and rub his face in it. Dumpee pressed, and got what he wanted: a reason to be royally pissed off. Part of Dumpee's own grieving process.
Why Dumpee had to write to an advice columnist about his personal dramatic grieving process, I don't understand.
My advice to Dumper: RUN. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. Dumpee will be psycho for a while [even if he is a good guy when not in severe depression mode].
the drama and chaos come with the deviant perverted lifestyle.
enjoy!
The whole fucking friends (be it at an orgy or what ever) is inexcusable, especially if your still living together, regardless if you ex is a whiney bitchy depressed looser. And a week after the break up is just salt and piss in the wound. Plus the fact he didn't keep his mouth welded shut about it (but honestly, dumpee would have found out from the friends eventually, it always comes out).
Now if dumpee had gotten the hell out of there as soon as he could, and dumper had an orgy with non-mutual-friends, then dumpee wouldn't have any legitimate complaint. But as it stands, he damn well does, even if he made some big fucking mistakes himself.
Fuck that asshole, gtfo, and never talk to him/her again.
Goal number 1 for her should be to move out and move on. Cutting off communication for the time being if necessary (and sounds like it may be).
this guy's still a jerk, though. the dumpee's a jerk for being hurt that he went out and had sex--the dumper was kind of a dick for doing it with a bunch of mutual friends.
personally, i'd feel left out :P
Now it's a little shy of a month later and he DRAGS IT OUT of the guy that he had recreational canoodling with mutual friends. And he's got the nerve to be outraged by what he pushed the guy into telling him.
Holy cow! Not tolerable to have someone you're basically letting hang around until he gets onto his feet tell you what you can do when he's not even in town, not tolerable by a long shot. I tried to imagine a girl pulling this with a guy: we'd all be rolling our eyes.
That said, as an ex-dumpee I do have sympathy. But the poor boy needs to use this as his push to move on. (I have an old Gloria Gaynor song he might find helpful....)
"Living with my ex was tough, since my status was downgraded from boyfriend to roommate, even though we were still sharing the same bed."
MY status, he is referring to how he used to be a boyfriend, as in the writer is male. So no more of this him/her business ok.
That said, the best thing is for EAO to distance himself from his ex both emotionally and physically. Oh, and don't jump into another relationship right away. Gain financial and emotional stability before getting back into the dating scene.
@42: Your rhyme(ing)is weak.
Ex DJ/talking frog/12 step
Recovery good/Attention fine/Conceit Devine
I'm going to refrain from judging the dumpee's actions, because I've been the dumpee myself and it tends to impair one's common sense... no shame in that. What I am going to say is get the hell out of that apartment. Beg, steal, borrow, couch-surf, impose upon your family, but get out now. Neither your ex nor your mutual friends are worth one second more of your time and attention. Wash those men out of your hair.
As for the dumper - what an asshole. Trying to both be the sweet, caring friend and roommate to an ex and celebrate your freedom from him at the same time is NOT a good look. Did he honestly expect the guy to transition smoothly into being a sexless cuddle toy and kept man of a roommate? Either he enjoys having someone moping over him 24/7 or he is tragically unable to stand up and actually say, "Sorry, we're over, I need you to find another place to stay by next week." And either way, he is terrible.
Anyway, LW, things will get better only once you quit living with and hanging out with your ex. GTFO out of his life, since he doesn't have the common decency to get out of yours.
I am always amazed at people who think that being able to have sex immediately after a breakup equals not caring and being completely over it. I love my bf dearly, but if we broke up today...I'd be out tonight looking for my old booty call. That's just the way I am, and I'm sure there are plenty of people out there like me. That said, I think the reason post-breakup sex with another person is so bothersome is actually about ego, not about believing the other person doesn't care. We SAY it's about feeling like the other person doesn't care, but what we're REALLY feeling is, "How can they just go out and be with other people like that?! They must not think I'm so awesome!"
That said, I think it's totally fine to FREAK THE FUCK OUT after a breakup for ANY REASON YOU WANT--but that freak out should be taken to FRIENDS, not the EX. Talk unwarranted shit, cry, say you want to get back together with him, say you hate his guts, say he's being a jerk and HOW COULD HE TREAT ME THIS WAY--but say it all to friends. After being the queen of "break up and get back together fifty times with the same person", I'm a firm believer that after a breakup, all bets should be called off on having any kind of relationship with the ex--friendship or otherwise--until it's been at least a year, preferrably two. Feelings are just too confused right after a breakup. P.S. Love your screen name, 61.
Dumpee's insistence on prying the information out and then whinging about its contents is ludicrous. Can you imagine that in a physical context?
"Hit me." / "Don't want to."
Hit me!" / "Really don't want to."
Hit me!!!!!!!" / "Really, really don't want to, and you know why."
Hit me!!!!!!!" / "Really, really don't want to, because you might get hurt."
"I insist." / "Okay, fine." (Thump!)
"YOU HIT ME! THAT HURT! YOU'RE A COMPLETE BASTARD AND I'M GONNA WRITE DAN SAVAGE ABOUT YOU!"
Relationships are a bitch sometimes. Fact of life.
EOA needs to realize that the ex made it very clear he's no longer interested (or he wouldn't have revealed the orgy) so it's time to go through the rest of his grieving process. Play sappy music, eat cheesecake, cry to friends. Then up the exercise quota, get out in public, and get on with life.
Do not ask questions you do not want to know the answer to...ESPECIALLY if you are asking your ex about sexual/dating stuff. You think you want to know. But you don't! You really really don't! The more you know the more you know, and the more it hurts and you feel hurt, jealous, angry and betrayed. But here's the deal, you don't get to be a whiney pissy bitch about it because YOU OPENED THAT CAN OF WORMS by asking.
Save yourself some grief. Move out. Move on. Heal.
Why is it so much worse that the orgy was with mutual friends? I don't get why that upsets so many posters. I thought the "you're not allowed to be my friend and have anything to do with my ex" rule only applied to those under 15.
Get some counseling, you fucking tool. And before your next relationship starts, save enough form your next job to have a way out if things go sideways again.
I mean it could be considered a rather dick move, but well yeah neither of them owe each other anything, they broke up!!! Everyone owes each other honesty, which he gave, but other then that there's not much else.
Plus why is everyone calling him a her, EAO is a guy! It's in the post!!
And EAO, since you seem to lack the smidgen of common sense to answer your own questions about what a break-up means, let me help you out:
1. He has the right to bring dates home. It's his place. It would be a bit insensitive of him to do that right away (as well as unwise - can you imagine going to a guy's home at the end of your first or second date to see some teary-eyed skulking guy and be told "That's my ex who I just broke up with and I am letting him stay with me until he finds a job" ? I would run, fast. If he is that insesntive, he should give you warning of when he is bringing a date home so you can go hang with friends or otherwise get out of the way.
However, EAO, you don't get to bring dates home. It's not your house. It's his. And wtf would you be doing dating anyway. You're a mess. Make yourself better first. Otherwise you don't really have anything to offer someone else. Get a job, get some counseling, get your own place, get through your grief about this breakup. Only then should you consider dating.
2. No, you're not going to still have sex with each other. He broke up with you, dumbass. That means no more sex. Get your ass on the couch and have some self-respect.
3. Yes, each of you can have sex with others. You're not a couple anymore. What he does in this regard is no longer your business, and vice versa.
It totally helps with the healing process.
I would suggest that EAO go fuck someone else too, but I'm afraid he might latch on to this new person.
At that point you establish that either's claims about their post-breakup sexual escapades are exaggerated and untrustworthy and you don't get yourself bent out of shape about them. Then you move out.