I'm starting to wonder if Savage Love can be boiled down to a Magic 8 Ball. "Dump her" "Go fuck him anyways" "You're gay, get over it" "Dump her"

The problem is that we don't know which one is liberal and which one is an asshat. I am guessing he is the dickweed because if he were a reasonable, thinking person, he would be able to compromise. She isn't the issue; he is. So yeah, dump her. She deserves better than you.

I have a friend who married her soulmate after being together for a long time. She is liberal and he is a Glenn Beck watching fruitcake. Other than that, they were made for each other. They do not talk politics. When I met him, she told me "Do not talk politics with him!" I didn't. I like the guy. The only comment I heard concerning their different politics was on election day. After she voted she posted on Facebook, "Just canceled hubby's vote." All her friends found it amusing.

Just don't talk politics. That being said, I would never date a Republican. Or a Libertarian.

No one should ever fuck conservatives. It just encourages them.

While it might not work for some of us, I have known quite a few good marriages where the partners involved had different political beliefs.

The key thing is respect. If one or both personally attack or demean the other partner, it will never work.

Sometimes it helps in "mixed marriages" to have two TVs and only watch political events when the other person is not in the room, and to otherwise keep such stuff outside the home. Some people do the old toolshed or basement/attic office if one partner is heavily involved in such things.

Where it usually falls apart is when there's an expectation that guests are invited to parties in the home, and a substantial number are from one spectrum. Sometimes rules help with that, or that becomes a shopping/sports/skiing/sailing day.

But the key is respect. If that's missing, it will never work.

Oh please, just grow up. Politics? Really? You can't stay with your intelligent, witty, girlfriend who provides the incredible sex, over POLITICS!?! As if that even matters.

You say her views are rational and come from a different set of basic premises. This implies she is not a moron. Are your views so irrational and based on soft thinking that you get so angry and frustrated just because SHE WONT VOTE HOW YOU THINK SHE SHOULD!?!

Fuck, get over it. It's just not that important.

If she's some sort of horrid conservative, dump her: They only get worse with age, look at Barbra Bush or Nancy Reagan.

If the guy is some sort of horrid conservative, she's well rid of him. They don't age well either. Look at Rush Limbaugh or Ann Coulter.

i agree. people who don't feel particularly connected to the political process would probably think it's a dumb reason to dump someone. but if it's something that's important to you, and it's something that's important to her, and your positions are diametrically opposed, it's pretty silly to get hitched. it's no different than a situation where one potential spouse REALLY wants kids and the other REALLY doesn't want kids. someone's going to be REALLY unhappy. dump her. you'll find someone who either shares your views, or doesn't give a shit. either of those would work, i think. good luck.

What exactly is this "professional training" for marriage he refers to? And why doesn't it cover differing political opinions?

Ugh. Why the fuck would you guys even advocate this? Don't send people into misery. "I know LOTS of [retards] who married people of opposite positions."

It's your LIFE. What's the point of marriage if you're going to sabotage yourself from the getgo? Anyone heard of Thanksgiving dinner? Anyone ever felt their bloodpressure rising, because ONE OF THEM is the more assertive one, and ONE OF THEM ends up compromising. You don't compromise on worldviews, children. If you do, you never gave a shit anyway. If you give four fifths of a shit, find yourself an EQUAL PARTNER. And be happy. Don't sacrifice your everyday comfort (i.e.: your life) for a false ideal like marriage. Just sayin'.

#4 FTW.

And #6, I'm just amazed it lasted this long. There is nothing ickier than the thought of letting a republican (or more rightwing nutjob) touch your tingly parts. Ok, bed bugs are ickier than republicans, but only marginally so.

People with differing political opinions can only be together if they fundamentally respect each other and their viewpoints. This guy obviously can't/won't be respectful of his girlfriend. She deserves better.

@4 and they eventually breed >.>

If she's intelligent and nice (I assume that means good), then either your politics are reconcilable or you're the one who is either NOT intelligent or NOT nice. In the case of the former, deal with it. It will work itself sooner or later, and be fun in the process. In the case of the latter, I agree with @2-- dump her, for her sake. She deserves someone better than you.

Politics, like anything, is only an issue in a relationship if its something they really care about as it seems to be the case here. I know I could not date a conservative, well not a far right one anyways, but then I really care about politics and like to talk about it.

@6 It's not "just politics". How you vote is an indication of how you think. I could not have a relationship with someone who was anti-choice or anti-gay marriage, or supportive of the war, or any of that bullshit. I wouldn't want to raise a child with that person. Dan's advice is right on--they have different political views, they're incompatible.

I'm surprised by the people saying that politics don't matter. My political beliefs are based on my very basic, deeply held beliefs, values, and morals. Someone who has ideas and opinions that conflict with those integral parts of who I am is never going to be an option for a long term relationship. Party affiliation doesn't matter (insert "I have republican friends" defense here), but the content of the beliefs most certainly does.

They're young and idealistic. Both of their political views will probably change over time. I wouldn't let this break up an otherwise "perfect" relationship. But then, he's obviously going to, and is only asking for Dan's blessing. OK, dude, you've got it. Move along.

Most will probably say it doesn't matter, but I'd be curious to see just one example of a political issue difference that drives the letter writer bonkers.

This is only slightly related, but check out the numerous responses from an Ask MeFi post earlier today (involving whether the half of a couple should always give verbal responses to questions/statements posed by the other half):

http://ask.metafilter.com/170024/Boy-vs-…

My guy is conservative, I'm not. I always say, "If only you were a little more liberal!" and he always replies with, "If only you were a little LESS liberal!". And that's the end of our political discussion.

It works for us, but I can see where it would be a deal breaker for some. We've decided not to let it be, and as neither of us are hyper-interested in politics, we agree to disagree and move on.

Of course, we aren't raising children together...

I'm perfectly OK with politics as a criterion for exclusion. I could never date a Republican and probably no "moderate" Democrat either.

But what makes the guy an asshole is that it took him six years to find out. JFC. It's something he knew from day one. And, you know, you can see how things go for a couple of months, maybe half a year if the sex is great - but at some point before your first anniversary you gotta decide if it's worth paying - in Dan's terms - the price of admission by accepting someone's politics (or snoring, or verbal tick, etc.) or not.
Spending six years with someone and then leaving her because of something you knew at day one is a dickhead move.

I don't totally buy it. I obviously don't know the guy, but his story reads like a guy looking for a way out—enter her politics.

In six years, he hasn't stop and ask himself "what do I value most here? Do I respect that the woman I've spent my life with thus far has made intelligent decisions?" What if she had no political convictions, would his passion for politics be the same point of contention? My guess is I DON'T KNOW, NO, and NO.

The sentence "and generally one of the nicest people I have ever known" is the hallmark of a person afraid to break the other person's heart, but is ready to leave. I bet he'll think of her fondly one day, much later in life, as he's voting down a property tax initiative.

Or who knows, maybe she's just totally insufferable about it.

1: The guy basically asked a yes or no question. How many possible answers to a yes or no question do you really think there are?

Or should he instruct them to do something completely unrelated just for variety's sake? How would that pan out?

--"Dear Dan,"

My girlfriend is driving me nuts. Should I tell her why I'm dumping her?"

-- Dear Reader,

You should take a flight to Yellowstone National Park and take a look at some of the awesome geysers around there. Also I hear there are buffalo too! Just don't eat the food there; it sucks. Also, if you ever find yourself in a riptide, SWIM ALONGSHORE; you'll get out of it and be able to reach shore more easily."

I agree with @6, with this twist -- SHE should dump HIM, for all the reasons that @6 delineated.

I went out with a conservative for about 18 months, during which I discovered it didn't matter at all how I handled it. At first we had several epic fights over politics, after which I stopped talking politics with him. But that didn't help -- he found all kinds of other topics to fight over & would continually try to push buttons on political issues he knew I cared about. I walked out once I realized it didn't matter at all what our respective positions were -- he fundamentally hated women and took it out on them. I'm only embarrassed it took me that long to figure out -- I kept thinking I could hit the right balance with the right set of common interests.

I *have* seen opposing political viewpoints get along just fine (which is why I even tried): my parents are one of each (and yes, joke about cancelling each others' votes out) and have been happily married for over 40 years. For them, it was worth the price of admission, as Dan puts it. In my example, it wasn't.

So -- if LW can't respect her positions -- whether or not he's the liberal or conservative in this scenario -- he should dump her. She deserves better than him.

Personally, as a not-quite-so-orthodox Southern Liberal (mostly Pelosi Democrat, but fairly conservative on both Second Amendment and Foreign Policy issues, and way out there in Frontierland on issues of personal freedom) I could and very possibly will have to be happy with someone with whom I have deep and wide political differences.

But there are a couple planks in the Republican Guard/Teabag platform whose supporters I just couldn't take seriously enough to partner up with, presumably for life.

1. The Reproductive Freedom Thing (aka Roe vs Wade) if you don't believe that the Bill of Rights taken as a whole not only entitles you to, but demands, you make your own life or death medical decisions, I don't want to swap reproductive fluids with you.

2. The Gay Rights Thing if you don't believe that the gays are as entitled to happiness as us straight folks are and are therefore entitled to the same contractual rights to civil marriage, I don't want to enter into contract with you.

3. If you don't believe in FDR's Four Freedoms: Freedom of Expression, Freedom of Worship, Freedom from Want, Freedom from Fear, I don't want to raise children with you.

All else is up for grabs.

By the way, L+C=M, I do agree with the Dan: tell her. Tell her and be specific just what specific positions on what specific issues are deal breakers and why. Work that shit out and practice it in front of a mirror.

@16 & @17 You said exactly what I would have--a person's politics reveal their deeply held beliefs, they aren't a superficial element, like "he wears Wranglers, but I'm marrying him anyway." As distressed as I am at times to be married to someone who thinks Cabelas is a good place to go clothing shopping, and who actually says "golly" on occasion, if he were homophobic, or anti social programs, or xenophobic, I would have DTMFA ages ago. Interests/hobbies/music tastes are certainly nice to have in common, but liberal and conservative are you on the inside, and they *have to* match up.

I did it for four years, and I should've cut it off after a year. It would've saved us both a lot of trouble.

Hey, wait a minute. Cabela's is a good place to go clothing shopping.

Dude, who you kidding? You were never going to marry her. You're just looking for an out that doesn't make you look like a douche.

"...being dumped on account of them may cause her to reassess them."

Don't lead the boy on, Dan.

I don't have the heart to tell my still-a-virgin friend that I was seriously considering sleeping with him until he started ranting about politics. I had a crush on him and everything, but he came out of nowhere with some right-wing ramblings and it was like someone poured ice on my crotch. I dodged a bullet, too, once Obama got elected he jumped on with the Teabaggers... Eek!

We're mired in politeness. There are not two valid and equal political parties in this country. If you are a Republican, you are or are a supporter of an American Corporate Fascist Movement.

That's not an extreme or radical viewpoint. Listen to the Teabaggers and Congressional Republicans. Anyone that is not a heterosexual corporate libertarian is un-American. They want their country back remember?

If someone's bought into that party line is completely unfuckable.

Of course, I have no problem with intellectual conservatives, but they're all Democrats now.

Agree with the people who say it sounds like he's just looking for an out. If you want to dump her, fine, but definitely tell her why. Am I the only one who thinks it's borderline insane that he was thinking about breaking up with someone he'd dated for six years without telling her why? Good lord. That alone makes me think he's an idiot.

Personally, I think I'd be okay with a fiscally conservative, socially liberal partner (and when I say fiscal conservative I don't mean the "no taxes, no IRS/EPS/Dept of Ed" variety). I think there's some room for rational people to disagree on economic policy (and education policy, and gun control for that matter)... But, like others, if it was someone who was anti-gay, anti-choice, etc., I doubt I could make it work.

My husband and I find that we have strikingly similar core beliefs (socially liberal, fiscally conservative), we just reach different political conclusions from them. I think the main thing that keeps us married during election season is that both of us end up holding our noses and voting, since it's incredibly rare that either one of us can support any given candidate wholeheartedly. So I may be more liberal, he may be more libertarian, but we're both staunch cynics.

Politics reflect our values. I, for example, believe gay people should have equal rights, women have the right to choose what to do with their bodies, progressive taxation is good (sigh), and universal health care is a human right. Anyone who disagrees with me has values I find fundamentally wrong and downright anti-social. I can understand angry-fucking a Republican, but why would you spend six years with someone whose values are different from yours?

It depends.

Me? I have pretty strongly held political beliefs that are not negotiable. A LTR with a republican is a deal killer. So if it were me, I'd DTMFA.

But I also know a couple that has been together more than 50 years (!!!). He's a republican; she's a democrat. But they are both moderates in their views and they don't talk politics much. Politics isn't an important part of either of their lives. They joke about canceling out each other's votes every November. It works for them.

The letter writer sounds more like me than my friends. He states that election season is getting more stressful every year. That is the writing on the wall. DTMFA.

I don't care if you tell her why or not. If the last month or so was as stressful for her as it is for you, I'm guessing she already knows.

I'm with @16, @17 and Dan on this. My political beliefs are strongly based on my values and how I feel about the rights of my fellow human beings. This is pretty fundamental to who I am. I can't imagine spending thirty years with somebody who didn't share similar values and beliefs. And I'm not young and idealistic - I'm basing this on having spent over 30 years in a relationship. Who best to discuss and hammer out politics with than a spouse/SO who shares the same core values?

How did they make it through 6 years if their views are so different that hers appall him?

The writer has to be the republikkkan: he thinks that the sex is great and republicans are notoriously lousy in bed. So it must be him.
Let her find someone worthy.

i don't see it that way - i think he's liberal and she's republican and he can't stomach marrying a conservative.
*shrugs* i say don't marry her and be man enough to tell her WHY.

@40: I see your point about your friends. They sound as if they are both close enough to the middle that their views don't appall each other and they may actually have similar core values. One is just a bit over the center one way and the other, the other way. I could see how such a couple could live together.

Yeah, break up. For sure. If the dude is finding that every election and political conversation is more difficult than the last, then he is already married to his ideals, and not yet to her. Cut the losses. If you don't know how to compromise for something amazing, then don't bother.

Also, I wouldn't trust anyone's political "epiphany"... people believe what they believe, and changing one's political beliefs on the whim of losing a potential partner... in order to please that partner... is a recipe for resentment and disaster. Co-dependancy, anyone?

Break up and stay break-ed up.

Ha! @32.

Also: @27, hells yep. Do that. Be specific.

Also: @24... yep!

If you both see the world you are working toward as roughly comparable, and just disagree on the methods of getting there, I can see being able to love someone with differing politics. If your visions of ideal worlds are incompatible, if his 'best possible' is her 'worst nightmare', I don't see it happening.

And the reason for that is respect. I can respect someone who disagrees with me on specific taxes, and has different ideas of fiscal responsibility. I can't respect someone who has an "I'm all right, Jack" view of the world, and who is fine with the poor being deprived of resources as long as it keeps his taxes down. Eventually, no matter how long his tongue is, that lack of respect will erode the relationship.

My husband and I did not ever vote for the same party, but I always knew that I could live happily in his ideal world, and he could live in mine. We agreed not to discuss gun control, and all was well.

@36 and 43,

Y'all are crazy. The letter writer obviously knows Dan is a liberal. Why else would he conveniently neglect to mention what side of the spectrum he and his girlfriend are on? If he admitted to being a conservative, Dan would've eviscerated him before advising the *girlfriend* to dump his sorry ass.

And I don't buy for one second that a conservative woman would patiently wait for marriage.

On the other hand, people's political views evolve assuming one's basic values don't change and the changes are moderate. My partner and I have been together for a decade. We were political twins when we met and made a commitment to each other. Since then things have changed a little. I have become more liberal and he's become a little more conservative. It's certainly not worth breaking up over at this point. And we are both still some form of Democrat. During the 2008 presidential primary we had our first disagreement about it -- he supported Hillary and I supported Obama.

6 years of waiting on this douchebag, down the toilet... Ouch.

If this woman is so wonderful, I'm wondering why politics is such a problem... Especially if shit only hits the fan during elections.

Anyway. After such an investment, he should at least tell her why he's leaving.

6 years, everything else is great, and the only thing that's not great is politics? Unless we're talking about a segregationist or a Nazi or something, you're taking this shit too seriously and letting it fuck up your life. Get over yourself. Life is too short.

I really like what @16 said.... Politics ins't just politics. It's a perspective that effects every aspect of one's decision making, one's values, one's life. If you aren't compatible, so be it - dump her and move on. You probably wouldn't want to spend your life with someone you don't have the basics in common with.

If she wants to be a conservative, treat her like a conservative. Bitch slap her in the face and tell her to go back to the kitchen. And next time she doesn't vote for who you told her too? POW! Right on the kisser.

5280, where do I begin? What ISN'T wrong with shopping at Cabelas?? Camo shower curtains? His-n-Her RealTree bathrobes? Shirts with un-ironic deer on them? Carhartt jeans with a 16 inch rise? Yeesh...and when I wear black (you can take the girl outta the city, but...) he says, "Hi there, Johnny Cash!" Oy. And his side of the closet has the "3 coats in the 3 stages of Carhartt coat progression": New, slightly faded, and washed on "sterilize" so many times it's almost white.

*This* is what happens when you meet someone in a warm climate, and all they own is a pair of shorts...you really have NO idea what is lurking in their closet back in Canada...

plenty of people have wised up and changed their ass backward views for a significant other, but if she hasn't done it in 6 years she ain't gonna do it, dtmfa

"Camo shower curtains? His-n-Her RealTree bathrobes? Shirts with un-ironic deer on them? Carhartt jeans with a 16 inch rise?"

Yep. Works for me. (I don't think they make RealTree bathrobes, though. If they did, I'd probably buy one.)

I think it is so funny that despite infinite evidence to the contrary people think there is much of a difference between the two major parties (assuming this is a dem/rep thing).
It sounds like their actual values are closer together than their votes. People take it way too seriously which douchebag they waste their afternoon voting for. If the two of them actually share fundamental values then they should grow up and be real adults and get over the aspect of politics that isn't that different than rabid fans donning the facepaint to cheer on the home team.

The only way for a liberal and a conservative in the US is to FORSWEAR watching news on the TV. If one person is saying 'well, darling, The Economist makes a good point on X" and the other says "OHO, but the New York Times cleverly counters with X", it can be an intellectually engaging discussion. If both parties enjoy a debate, and can find common ground (i.e. yes, we both find abortion morally repugnant, but necessary in some cases, we just disagree on the trimester) it makes sense. But if one enjoys lapping up a plate of shit from the facehole of Glenn Beck every week, and the other campaigns for the rights of sex-trade workers, it ain't gonna happen.

But this is all beside the point since L+C=M already decided to DTMFA.

While her politics may not be to your taste it is the same political view she has held for the last six years. Apparently, this was fine in the beginning but obviously you two have grown apart and the political stuff is just one example. Honesty is usually the best policy but I think there is more to it than politics.

@29 -- no it wasn't the political part alone that led me to that conclusion, it was that he picked fights about *anything*. It didn't have to be politics. I took a good look at how he treated other women in his life as well and that also told me a good deal.

5280...oh ye of little faith:

Exhibit A:
http://images.cabelas.com/is/image/cabel…

Found in the "Bargain Cave," along with the matching RealTree cami top, and some truly heinous Aztec-design blankets sewn into caftan/wrap-robes....who the hell shops in a cave??? If God wanted you to shop in a cave, He wouldn't have made Anthropologie.

Canuck, you scare me :)

If I had a dollar for every time I've heard that, BEG...I could, you know, shop at Anthropologie ALL the time!!

Sometimes I just don't follow Dan's logic. A partner cheating "once, twice, thrice" is not enough to toss out an otherwise fantastic relationship, but getting angry over an election (happens, what, every 2 to 4 years) because two mature adults can't agree to disagree is?...

Personally, politics is important to me, but I don't judge based on party or particular votes, but on particular issues. The guy may be conservative, but if he supports gay rights, and can hold his nose about abortion, I can deal. (And yes, such creatures do exist. Ah, the marvels of human complexity.)*

*Tea Party sympathizers are immediate deal breakers, though. Extremism of any shade is unattractive.

This relationship seems like a recipe for not talking about politics, which wouldn't be the end of the world, frankly. My wife and I agree politically on just about everything, and we don't really ever talk about it because there are better subjects.

@64 Dan doesn't follow logic. Thankfully he doesn't claim to (I've never seen it in print . but I don't read everything), so he at least has that bit of integrity.

He's obviously the conservative. He was gloating after the election, and she gave him the stink-eye.

I'm projecting here, but what I think has happened is that he's left-wing, she's right-wing, and she's been raving about the results of the elections that happened last week for the last week. Which are the first time in the last six years that an American right-winger has had something to rave about. And he's now facing up to the fact that marrying this woman means this sort of experience every time the Republicans win, for the rest of his life. So yeah, I'm guessing it's his sincere reason and I think it's a valid one.

To put it another way (since it sounds like this couple, both of them, are like me in this respect) imagine someone who treats the success of a particular political party the same way your sports fan friends treat the success of their favourite teams. (Yes, I know it's silly, and I recognize it's entertainment and try not to take it too seriously when "my" guys lose, but still, someone rubbing my face in it wouldn't go over well.) Now imagine that one of those sports fans decides to live together with someone who's going to party for a week every time their favourite team loses, because it lost. Not. A. Good. Idea. (And yes, such a person might not realise/admit the magnitude of the problem until the first time the other person parties for a week because the first person's favourite team lost. Particularly if they're in their mid twenties and having "incredible" sex.)

I have a (nonromantic) woman friend whom I think is very cool apart from her political opinions. And, as friends, we get along fine. We just don't talk about politics. Ever. But I don't think we could live in the same premises and do that.

To look on the bright side of this, "twenty-somethings call off marriage and decide to try relationships with at least two people as adults before making lifetime commitments" is really not that big a tragedy, although it'll be painful to be in the middle of it.

@45 I don't think he actually thinks she's all that amazing. All the good stuff that he says about her is the sort of stuff that I say when my head thinks I should be into someone but my heart isn't. Notice he doesn't say anything about how pretty she is, it's all "wonderful personality." So wonderful that he's finding he can't stand living with her. And if she's so nice, and so into this marriage, how hasn't she noticed that she's pissed him off so much he's decided to break up, and/or why doesn't she care more about the marriage than cheering for her favourite political party? Not that I think she's bad, just human like him, but he's going out of his way to describe the woman he's about to break up with in the most complimentary way he can, and this should be taken with a grain or two of salt.

@6 "I understand that her position is a rational position that is arrived at from a different set of basic premises" is a bureaucratese BS way of saying "this douchebag thinks water flows uphill and the Earth is flat." Note that "water flows uphill" and "the Earth is flat" ARE just "a different set of basic premises". I know this because this is the sort of thing I say when I think someone is idiotic but I don't want to fight over it. It's vague enough to allow people to disengage without either party losing face. After all, I'd be OK with them saying the same thing about me. But it's an alternative to having a fight with someone I only know casually, say someone I just met at a party and we discover we don't like each other. In a collapsing relationship it'd just be trying to paper over the cracks.

@40 If your friends have been together for 50 years, then they were of a generation when the Republicans were sane, and often more liberal than the Democrats, especially on race relations (back when the south was solidly Dem). Hard to believe now that it was the Republicans who created our socialist national parks and antitrust laws, or our socialist interstate highway system, and even the EPA. Teddy Roosevelt, Dwight Eisenhower, and Richard Nixon would all be drummed out of today's Republican party for not being batshit insane. And senators like Charles Percy, Nancy Kassebaum, or Charles Mathias would have been tarred and feathered.
So yes, I can easily see how your friends could get over moderate political differences. I can't see how someone today can get over their mate belonging to the Tea Party.

@23 -- See, I couldn't help but read that theoretical response in Jack Handey's voice.

That said, politics are as important to some people as religion is to others. If you're dating someone for 6 years and would like to get married but every election you can barely talk to each other for a month, it's clear you're not going to actually have a wedding any time soon.

Michelle Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, Carrie Prejean, Michelle Malkin: who is the WILFiest?

Politics can be a frame of mind, but I think to many it's just background noise. They don't fully understand, no one really wants to take the time, I don't even think the people elected care that much they have a family and shit too. The bottom line is that if someone else is enthusiastic enough and you're on "the other side" you're not going to want to show up with them to a GOP rally, or to call voters for either side, or go protest an abortion clinic. To someone like us that might sound extreme, but maybe to this person it's just one more step in their path to a god or something. Either side in this political stew could be of the political mindset closer to god and the individual rather than the collective and atheist. The post is incredibly vague, but I think the people who say "it should work if they're both respectful" know little to nothing about the political situation today. We don't have to kill each other, but we're really really really not going to fuck each other.

@47 Why would a conservative write to Dan Savage for relationship advice?

There's also this:"Well after another political season I find myself angry and frustrated with her position on recent election results."

This sounds like a liberal reaction to conservative gloating. Hard to see why he'd feel so upset if he were conservative, given that they won so many seats.

Dump away. I don't have numerous Repuglican-bashing magnets around my house because I want to spend the rest of my life fighting over why they have to pay taxes (because they drive on roads, and need police protection, and want the fire department to show up if their house goes up in flames, and don't want to spend MORE supporting dolts who didn't get a decent education, and...well, you all know). Maybe living inside the Beltway makes you a little more hardline on this issue, but interpolitical relationships are a very, very bad idea...and THAT'S not a bigoted statement (no one was born conservative, and with enough time, patience, and understanding, one can be reborn into their natural liberal lifestyle).

I did not want to read all the comments, so i am going direct to the point.
Monsieur vous etes un douchebag et je dirais meme plus un con.
Never read such a poor and shallow excuse for dumping some one who has so stellar qualities.
look at it this way, huge political disputes make extremely hot sex session ...

@73,

Why would he be upset in 2008?

Why would a conservative woman be GGG?

Why would a conservative woman be patient about marriage? Conservative women are extremely hungry to get married; I've yet to meet one who isn't, and, unlike their liberal counterparts, conservative women are largely crazy. She wouldn't be sensible enough not to scare men away with marriage madness.

Why would a liberal be so coy about what his political beliefs are when writing to a gay liberal sex columnist?

Lastly, nothing he mentioned in the letter indicates gloating. If she were gloating, why wouldn't he mention it? That's shitty behavior no matter what the context. Conservatives can't take it when anyone disagrees with them, even when the opposition is respectful.

If the letter writer isn't a Republican, I'll eat my hat.

@76 After the last elections, there's no reason for him to be upset if he's a Republican: his side have just won. She could bring up the election all she wanted, and he'd just be happy to be reminded. And if she were a Dem she'd be trying to drop the subject: the less said about last week's elections the better. The fact that what she's saying is getting under his skin this year (whether what she's saying would actually seem objectionable to a disinterested party is a whole other issue) and didn't in 2008 says to me that he's the Dem and she's the Republican. And why would a right-winger care what Dan thinks? But we're just guessing.

Why wouldn't a conservative woman be GGG? I don't see what political affiliation has to do with that. I have little experience of conservative women (the only one I know is definitely on kinky side), but as a man I do meet men of all sorts, and as a generally left-wing man I haven't seen much difference in personal qualities, such as willingness to "take it" when someone disagrees with them, between left-wing and right-wing men. There are moderates of each who aren't bothered by disagreement and hardliners of each who won't accept it. *shrug*

I just wanted to point out that the way Dan worded the title of the post, he stated that the LW was "seeing red." The political parties of the boy and girl in this situation may have been edited out, but it sounds like boy is Democrat (blue) seeing Republican (red).

This letter is horribly unspecific. But like others who know conservatives that've gone off the deep end since Obama got elected, my guess is that the girlfriend may have become a Glenn Beck fan in the past couple of years. If that's the case, then I actually can't fault the boyfriend for having stuck with her for 6 years without realizing that their political differences were intractable. I've lost a few friendships for similar reasons recently, sadly. If she's truly unreasonable... DTMFA.

However, just dumping her and not telling her why?! Um, that seems to suggest to me that the letter writer is not really capable of dealing with conflict in an open, honest way. There are absolutely no examples of the type of conversations that annoy him so much in the letter. Could it be that he lets her rant on and on and on without challenge, or always rises to the political argument-bait she dangles in front of him, or something like that? It's entirely possible that this problem exists mostly because he doesn't know how to defuse political discussions he doesn't want to be in. Maybe he should try telling her (gently, and using I-statements like in any discussion of this type) that there are certain things about the way the two of them talk politics that really, really bother him and are even making him doubt the viability of their relationship. He needs to make it about the style and not the substance of their disagreements.

Really, tolerating differences of opinion doesn't mean that you have to keep your mouth shut and listen to whatever someone is telling you, or engage with every argument no matter how caustic those arguments can be to a relationship. I'm gonna go ahead and say that that type of communication problem is what's got them to the point where he wants to break it off and not even tell her why, 'cause that's how desperate he is never to have a discussion about politics with her again.

(Again, a caveat is if one of them is a truther, birther, tea partier, or some other person whose political opinions don't any type of dissent. Or if they have disagreements about core rights like the right to choose or the right to marriage.)

I'm young and therefor stupid and not sufficiently beat upside the head by the world to relax my moral fiber, but I've dumped a guy in the past over political differences. There was also religion (I think it's disgusting, he was a Catholic) and I found nothing more frustrating about the experience than his disbelief that those things alone could be enough to break up.

How could they not be? I think his economic beliefs will end up killing people, I think his social beliefs lead to inequality and misery, and I think his religion neatly manages to combine the worst aspects of dogma and generic stupidity.

I can see casually political people not having an issue with this, and frankly, I agree that six years is a ridiculously long time to key into this problem, but how could you not see this as a problem? If you have any serious degree of conviction in political matters, of course it's going to spill over into your personal life. How can you have firmly held beliefs and no reflect them in your choice of associates, fuckbuddies and romantic partners?

He said he has already decided to break up. He wanted to know if he should tell her why. I say yes, tell her. That's the only way you can both learn from the experience. But I think he's selfish, small minded and short sighted.

Some have said they believe the LW to be the conservative, to which I would have to disagree. I mean, think about it. Would a Hard-ass, know-it-all conservative (and we all know how they don't need no stinking advice from a Liberal sex columnist about love, life and relationships) be asking our very own Dan Savage for relationship advice over differing political views?

I-Don't-Think-So.

So, if the girlfriend is the conservative, I can see the LW being all squeaked out by this. 'Cause I personally see the female gender (and I'm not being sexist here, please) as the nurturers in our society, and nothing squeaks me out more than a bigoted, or homophobic, or racist female. Especially one that visibly exhibits such disgusting traits with no reasoning, other than to hate.

But that's just me...

I'm a liberal. Not quite ALL the way to the left, but far enough that way to be obvious to everyone I meet. My husband is an ex-military Republican. One of the few who still liked Bush at the end (although I strongly suspect that was just a refusal to admit I'd been right all along). I agree with the pp who said it's about respect. But I also think it's about which political beliefs are different, and about how you argue. My husband happens to be in favor of marriage equality, and against theocracy. And when we argue politics, we listen. It's not just yelling on soapboxes, but actual listening. It's a lot easier to respect an opposing viewpoint if you can see why the person believes it. But then again, my husband isn't Glenn Beck or Bill OReilly. More like Laura Bush, I think. Republican, but sorta sane about it.

I think it depends on WHY each person holds their political beliefs.

I mean, I think it's *possible* to have similar deeply-held beliefs, values and morals and still fall on different sides of the political spectrum (though probably not to the extremes). It's *possible* to believe in compassion and charity but believe that expressions of compassion and charity are better delivered by individuals and communities rather than the government, for example. If you're both starting from that same place, but believe in different ideal methods of execution of those values, then it seems it would be possible to get along with someone of a differing political ideology.

The problem is, it seems, in today's political climate, conservatives who are driven by compassion and charity seem to be practically invisible. They MUST exist, but fuck if I know where they're hiding.

A Democrat and a Republican can have sex, but the offspring will be sterile.

Think about it before proposing.

Most of what passes for politics on TV is poorly disguised entertainment, designed to piss you off. Why do people feel the need to act this shit out in their personal lives too? If either of these people are spending their day-to-day lives regurgitating political punditry, then yeah, they should break up. It has nothing to do with the particular beliefs, and everything to do with the capacity to act civil, and not take the talking heads at face value.

Whether adults can agree to disagree on political topics is one thing. Trying to raise children together when your beliefs are diametrically opposed is a whole different kettle of fish, esp. once the kids are old enough to ask questions, participate in school mock elections, and start to form their own world view. Spend five minutes trying to debrief your kid after the other parent has convinced them that Obama hates white people and you will be sorry you ever helped that person reproduce. I promise.

my grandparents are opposite opposite parties...they're old school, so they'll never tell us which side they're on (except now that grandma is going senile, she spouts a bunch of foxnews stuff, but before), but assure us that their votes cancel each other out. they've been married about 50 years and are about as happy as any 80 and 71 year old with 7 kids (too many grandchildren for me to keep track of, a few great grandchildren and 1 great great grandchild) can be. political leanings aren't everything, as long as people hace some compassion

@1 Done.

sl8ball.com

Wth! Terrible advice!! You guys are perfect sans politics!! DON'T TALK POLITICS anymore. It is now forbidden. Continue living your otherwise perfect lives. You will never get this close to perfect again!

"Of course, I have no problem with intellectual conservatives, but they're all Democrats now."

Hehe, @36, so true. :)

@82 - I agree. Tell her, so she'll realize that she's being dumped by an idiot, not a terrific guy, and she won't have to blame some shortcoming of her own for the end of the relationship.

Comment #3 more or less describes my parents (one a politically active leftist, the other a diehard Reagan Republican). They've been together for 42 years. At some point early on in their relationship, they decided the solution to the issue was to not talk politics with each other, ever. So while Mom helped organize anti-McCain rallies in 2008, presumably Dad commiserated with his other Republican family members and darkened the circle next to McCain-Palin until the paper tore. My parents cancel out each other's vote at every election. It's pretty weird. But they have a good marriage, they have fun together, and they've been supportive partners to each other for a long time. And as a side note, their four kids all turned out politically progressive - maybe because our views were influenced early on by the front-row contrast between my mom's humane political thinking and the sour, paranoid, unkind tenor of Dad's views (with all respect to my pops - he's a decent guy, otherwise).

@93- "Wait, she's GGG AND conservative?
That doesn't make sense."

Oh sure it does. Remember, the Conservative movement is based on hypocrisy. "Do as I say, not as I do." is their motto.

@1 beat me to it before I had even finished the column.

Man. Add this to this week's Save Lovecast on the "dump him/her" hit parade. Even if the LW hadn't already decided he was leaving, I think we can all guess what Dan's advice would have been, had he asked "how can we resolve this?" rather than "should I tell her why I'm leaving her?"

If there's any sort of head-butting, to the extent that you seek outside help or advice, dump him/her. Because as everyone knows, the world is FILLED with other, better people who will be p-e-r-f-e-c-t without any head-butting that would lead to asking for outside advice ever.

Got a question about your relationship? Let's make it simpler: Dump him/her.

(NOTE: This is NOT specifically, exclusively about THIS letter. But take a look at the trend of late.)

This is so fucking pathetic. Liberals and conservatives in this country have more in common than any differences they might have. That thinking people are allowing themselves to be manipulated by the media into believing they are members of political teams they have to cheer for at each sporting event-type election is one reason the economic position of the US in the world will be taken over by another country pretty soon. It's not that the right is destroying America or the left is destroying America: it's that we've allowed superficial differences over things like abortion and gun control to make it impossible to do actually important things like balance the budget and turn the economy around.

Any lefty or righty who looks at his ideological opposite and says, "I have nothing in common with that person" is the reason things are going to hell politically in this country.