This is truth. If you cant be open or decent to a FWB they're not really a Friend to begin with. Seems simple.
Good riddance!
Yeah, dickhead will be back. Bummer he turned out that way, though.
Friends I've told about this have said something along the lines of, "Well, what did you expect? It wasn't a real relationship."

I'm surprised your friends would say something like that. It's not unreasonable at all to expect a modicum of considerate behavior from someone you've been seeing for a year, even if it's just in a FWB arrangement. He should indeed have given you the common courtesy of letting you know that things have changed. He sounds like a self-absorbed jerk (at least in this instance) to me.

Definitely a courtesy "thanks for the fun and have a good life" is warranted. LW, you're not the one with the issue, it's him. And he's being an inconsiderate ass.

This is basic common courtesy, basic human decency for all relationships. It amazes me that adults haven't learned it yet. So sorry, Letter Writer, this seems to be an all too common human failing. I wish it wasn't the case, though. Keep your chin up, dear. I hope he tells you that he is sorry someday, you deserve to be treated with kindness.
What does the F in FWB stand for? Geez.
Word. I've seen this before, and Dan's called it.

I treat my coworkers with respect even though we don't share a sacred bond.

I treat my acquaintances and casual friends with respect, even though there's nothing serious about those relationships.

I treat the barista that makes my coffee with respect, even though I only deal with them for five minutes a week.

So why should the people I casually fuck be any different? If you shouldn't be an abrasive asshole to strangers on the bus, you shouldn't be an abrasive asshole to strangers in your bed.

And this person wasn't even a stranger, really. A friend with benefits is still a friend.
His whole behavior seems odd to me. I mean, it is *friends* with benefits. It almost seems like he's trying to erase you as quickly as possible for some reason.
DTMFA. Oh, wait, he's already dumped you. But the sentiment's the same: Fuck him.
What Dan (and everyone else) said. Guy's an asshole and you should count yourself lucky that you were never his "real" girlfriend.
Can you imagine what kind of a father this asshole will be?
So, tonight on the Colbert show: See the upcoming guests? The infamous tshirt photo? :D

I'm not sure whether this site will livestream tonight's broadcast or not but I'm guessing not? Hulu seems to have the Colbert reports ( up to 11/18, so a ten day lag or so.
Dan's probably right - the guy probably is just an asshole.

On the other hand, maybe he had developed strong feeling towards you and wanted a committed relationship, and he felt rejected because you didn't feel the same. So, when he found a way out, he acted like a man who had been spurned. Still an asshole, but a different kind of asshole.
How childish.

She needs to stop perceiving herself through the lens of merely and only how others perceive her. She experiences shame, unwarranted I suppose, at the hands of her own close circle who disapprove of her atypical sexual relationship; not having enough, she sought to hear it first hand, in front of mixed company, in fact, her rejection by her beau. So she accumulated to herself even more shame and humiliation; it makes me think that she desires to be shamed by a dominant male, perhaps echoing past traumas inflicted by previous boyfriends or even her father.

There is no reason to seek a redressing of grievances in such a manner. The relationship, by the premises of its formation, was doomed to end eventually. What is funny is, from her reaction, it is clear the relationship to her was far deeper and meaningful than it was to him; I think, perhaps, she thought he would end up with her anyways, possibly masking ulterior motives and expectations than declared in her relationship?
Bravo Dan. The guy was a douche bag, and with friends like that, who needs enemies?!
You can follow Dan's good advice, wait to serve him a cold dish of revenge. OR just forward this thread to the asshole.
No longer calling is one thing, but deleting you from Facebook? Yeah , I agree with #11 that he's trying to erase you quickly, and I suspect it's because he is pretending to be something he's not to the new girlfriend. Or even a control move on her- if he doesn't have girl-friends, then he can make her uncomfortable maintaining guy-friendships.
I would never treat any friend this way, with benefits or without. Guy's a dick. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
I think he's an asshole and a coward.

Look, ending a relationship is an emotional minefield on both sides. It's definitely on the list of unpleasant conversations people would rather avoid, but decent human beings sack up and go through with it when needed. This douche, on the other hand, took the coward's way out by just avoiding you entirely. That's not how you treat other people, let alone people who are supposedly your friends.

Also, totally agree with Dan on your other "friends." Friends are supposed to pick each other up when they stumble and fall, not take the opportunity to kick sand in your face.
People who abuse their FWBs typically don't treat the people with whom they have so-called "real" relationships much better.

If Thrown Out, by any chance, reads this thread, I'd be curious to know how this guy treated her during the year they were together. It seems very likely to me that someone who would pull such an asshole move at the end of a relationship would have given some signs he was that way during the relationship.
Women, at the sewing circle, frequently address to each other their grievances against third, othered parties, achieving in the process a group consensus as to the other's questionable moral quality and bad behavior. This really is nothing more than mutual masturbation, back-slapping, and high-fiving. If the girl wants to avoid similar relationships and situations in the future, she must focus on her behavior, as it is the only behavior over which she truly has any control. She will continue to live toxic relationships until she sets down to determine what motivates her own behavior, and how to go about addressing that.
There's only one thing TOWTT can really do at this point, which is to stop referring to this guy as a former FWB, but a former AWB. He obviously wasn't her friend, he was an asshat acting like a friend so the fucking could continue.
Total asshole. And as for your friends, um, I hope they don't treat their sexytime friends that way!

Go buy a delicious bottle of wine and/or fancy yummy food item, and self-righteously toast the fact that this jerk has simultaneously removed himself from your life and revealed the depth of his jerkitude. Good riddance. And I'm sorry you had such a rude awakening. Seems like he has a habit of pretending he's something he's not.
@17 Shut up.

Of course, because asking to be treated in a respectful manner when sleeping with someone, as a woman, MUST mean she has ulterior motives.

And asking him, face to face, what happened isn't the mark of a mature adult-it MUST mean she desires to be shamed (what???) It's far more mature to just pretend it never happened and have absolutely no emotions associated with it, and to let the bastard know by staying silent that he can treat her however he wants and she won't even raise a word against him.
Dan, perfect. @27, seriously!
@ 17, You are a pompous buffoon. Please shut up and let the grownups converse. Oh, and learn to use the English language properly.
@17, you're projecting. knock it off. thrown out, honey, living well IS the best revenge. the sooner he loses his power over you, the better. don't let him rent space in yo' head!
was it buttsex?
I second @27 -- @17, shut the fuck up, or at least back your smug ass, supercilious ass away from the keyboard.
Yeah, he's a dick, and your friends are kinda dicks too.
@19 FTW
Hahahaha, I don't know if you're trollin' or just the absolute epitome of swollen-headed dickbaggery, @17, but either way you have succeeded brilliantly at capturing the voice of someone who really wants to believe that he's a lot smarter than he actually is.
Great response from Dan. That guy just sounds disgusting. If I was the woman he was seeing now, and I found out about that exchange, he would be dropped so fast. I judge any potential partners on how they treat (and speak about) their exes, because I know the odds are that someday OUR relationship will likely end (that's just statistical odds, not pessimism), and I sure as heck don't want to be with someone I know will be treating me like crap later on.

TOWTT, if your friends are telling you "What did you expect?" they're just as crappy as he is. Find new ones - it's easier than you think.

But you also have some real self-examination to engage in - why are there so many toxic people in your life? The cruel blow-off from this guy and the dismissal of his shabby treatment by your friends didn't come from nowhere. Forge some new relationships, but find the common denominator in the ones you describe here before you do it.
He's an asshole, and you are well rid of him. This much is obvious. Beyond that, your friends are sort of questionable as well. I find it hard to believe that a whole group of people could see absolutely nothing wrong with shunning and mocking someone you had a FRIENDS with benefits relationship for a year. If that's the way they view human relationships, you need to examine your choice in friends.
I've had more than one relationship end in the two of us just no longer calling each other - we simply drifted apart. I wasn't hurt, and I don't think my exes were either (I'm platonic friends now with two of them).

The problem may have arisen when TOWTT "confronted" him (in public, no less). He may have felt the need to act defensive, rather than courteous. I don't mean this as an excuse, just a potential explanation.
Pretty common douchebag guy behavior. Don't let it get you down.
I'm with Dan. If/when he comes crawling back, the cold-served revenge will be very sweet indeed. And yes, you had a real relationship. Inconsiderate that your friends didn't think so. And somewhat hurtful too. Perhaps get yourself some emotionally-competent and sex-positive friends?
Dan says: "he (will) come crawling back to you looking for sex.
And that's when you tell him to go fuck himself.

Take that to the bank, TOWTT, because it will happen. Do not waver or be weak at that point, follow through with the advice; tell him to "fuck himself."

If it was more of a booty call situation, then I'd disagree with Dan. Maybe the LW is inflating the relationship from Booty Call with dinner to FWB? Or, maybe the guy in question thought it was just a booty call situation?

I once knew somebody who had a booty call they only saw if they're both on the outs.
@ 17 / 24 / Central Scrutinizer:

Go buy yourself a "someone on the internet hates me" tshirt and wear it proudly while taking the proverbial long walk off a short pier. Ass. Your social ineptness is mindblowing.

Presumably you missed the part where they enjoyed each other's company outside the bedroom?
This guy isn't worth 5 more seconds of your time or energy. And you know the old saying, with friends like these who needs.......

Best of luck to you TOWTT.
God, this was a perfect response to her situation. People who treat others like shit end up suffering for it--and boy is that the best part. Having them crawl back in tears is often worth it! :) Now go forth TOWTT and find a hot, nice guy to spend your time with whose actually worth it.
God how women love drama. Why is she even telling her friends about this?
Post #17 does not reconcile, because s/he explicitly invalidates his/her own advice:

"She needs to stop perceiving herself through the lens of merely and only how others perceive her....

"What is funny is, from her reaction, it is clear the relationship to her was far deeper and meaningful than it was to him; I think, perhaps, she thought he would end up with her anyways, possibly masking ulterior motives and expectations than declared in her relationship?"
Even if it was just a booty call, a "Getting serious with somebody else, have a good life" phone call is warranted. Basic human decency is not an "S" in NSA sex, it's the obligation we owe to every human we have any relationship with, however fleeting.
@45 Which could mean anything from "we had pleasant conversation over dinner before fucking like wild rabbits" [Booty Call situation] to "We went on dates and hung out even on nights we weren't fucking" [FWB-ish].
I'm a guy, and I know exactly what is happening. What this guy is doing is LYING to the new woman. He's talking shit about his former FWB, as in, "Aw, yah, she's a slut, everyone knows it, just ask our friends, all she wanted was sex. It's you I REALLY love, babe!"

That makes him a DOUBLE douchebag. As for the hurt party -- take the high road, until he comes crawling back. Then tell him "no", and that just for crawling back, you're going to tell the MOST embarrassing stories you know about him. And when he sputters, thinking it's about sex and you'll tell everyone he has a small dick, tell him that all you'll tell everyone, including the now-dumped girlfriend, is exactly how he acted with you.

Enjoy your revenge.
It really doesn't matter if it was a booty call or FWB. If someone cannot have the decency to at least let someone know that they did not want to see them anymore, then they are not mature enough to fuck. And, since they were FB friends, you can assume that they were somewhat friendly. I am not FB friends with my BC, just sayin'
@48 Wow, misogyny much? Shit damn, son.

Also: The first word in "friends with benefits" is FRIENDS. It sounds a lot more like he considered this girl to be a "benefit" without the friend thing attached. Friends certainly don't dump each other like that.
The former FWB in the situation is in the wrong. It's "Friend with Benefits" for a reason. The friendship can remain even after the benefits have to end.

I had a great FWB situation for about a year. We had to part ways due to graduate school. We keep in touch, are still friends and even hook up when were are in the same town. I was nice about the move and so was she, because of it we are still friends and still benefiting from it. I even get naked pictures of her sometimes. If the dude who is the target of the letter is reading this he should realize that by being an ass he's missing out.
Remember in When harry Met Sally, Carrie Fisher's character was seeing a married man. She kept saying over and over again, "his wife, he's never going to leave her". Sally finally says to her, "nobody thinks that he is ever going to leave her".
Maybe, and I'm just throwing it out there, this guy has always been an asshole, the friends watched it unfold and everybody knew it. Maybe they even warned TOWTT that she was playing with fire and would get burned because she was wasting her time and energy on an asshole. Maybe TOWTT defended it by telling them it's just a FWB thing that's not real or serious.
So now what everybody saw coming, except the LW, has inevitably happened and she's pissed at being publicly embarrassed. Don't want to be publicly embarrassed anymore, stop fucking talking about it to anyone who will listen and let it go. You will never get an apology from this guy, ever. I've been in this situation, and I've been the friend to say, what did you expect?
Maybe I'm completely wrong on the situation. But, drama is rarely something just just comes out of nowhere, suddenly. There are often lots of signs and warning signals that just go ignored. So I'm not really buying this......all of a sudden...scenario she's painted.

For the record before I get attacked, I wholly agree this guy is a douche who could've/should've handled it better.

So what? His very reaction to it (Haha, you're just jealous) is a testament to his douchebaggery. Even if she had more invested in the relationship than he did, he still should have responded with an apology. That's what decent people do.
This guy is a complete asshole who doesn't respect women. Anything more than a handful of dates deserves an official breakup chat. It doesn't have to be long and drawn out or overly dramatic, but he should've let her know that he no longer wanted to see her.

That said- men are simple creatures. If they can't put you into the girlfriend category, they get very confused. They forget their manners and treat you like you're a call girl who doesn't charge. In other words, they find it easy to see you as a sex toy and not much more. They're not at all like women. Was he an ass? Yes. But was he much different than other guys? Unfortunately, no.

I had a similar experience. I had been seeing a guy off and on for about 6 mos. He even gave me the girlfriend treatment- he wined and dined me, invited me to a wedding, picked me up from a work event, let me sleep over, cuddled like he was in love with me- and then just went MIA. I was stupid enough to see him again after he pulled his disappearing act. When I finally realized that it was going nowhere and he was just going to jerk me around forever and use me for sex if I let him- I broke it off. His response? And I quote: "I never even called you my girlfriend." He didn't call me his girlfriend, but he did everything else to make me believe he was invested in dating me. At one point, we even had a talk about working things out and getting back together. Everything he said implied he wanted a relationship with me, but at the end he made sure that I knew he never thought of me as anything but a piece of ass.

She's better off without this guy, because he was never really her friend. He's cleary a bastard who doesn't care about anything but his penis and how often he can bang someone with it. Of course her feelings are hurt. She let him fuck her for a year and he doesn't even bother to tell her what's going on with him. It doesn't matter that it wasn't a "real" relationship. He should have respected her enough to tell her he had met someone else and didn't want to see her anymore.
I dunno, I'm kind of with seandr and Roma (16 and 23). If he were that much of a jerk, she'd have known it all along and seen this coming. I'm thinking he did have strong feelings for her, but is in denial about that. Cutting all ties and being cold when he runs into her -- that's easier emotionally than staying in touch, now that he's settling for a girl he doesn't love and who isn't as good in bed, but who is more "appropriate" to marry (because she shares his life goals).

If the sex was really good, and if TOWTT remembers him fondly, she may prefer to have a heart-to-heart with him instead of exacting revenge when he comes crawling back. And, I, for one, would support her in that. Though I'm sure her douchebag friends won't.

@8, I was thinking the same thing. She was still his "friend" and deserved to be treated with respect. A simple "I've met someone" goes a long way. I couldn't imagine just ditching any friend without some sort of explanation.
TOWTT: Your ex-"Friend" is a douche, but trust me, there are FWB situations that end even uglier. I was involved in one where the "Friend" wasn't upfront with me or the new honey about the nature of each relationship, continued shagging us both for an extended period, and it all blew up in a soap opera scenario I won't detail here. We also aren't Facebook pals anymore; same destination as yours but a much harsher road to it.

Best of luck to you.
@15 - I think the Colbert episodes go up on the Colbert website fairly swiftly (both whole episodes and individual segments). There's just nothing recent at the moment because they've been off air for a week or so for Thanksgiving ;)

(I was at the taping earlier this evening though, and it's gooood!) (though all too short, sadly)
@57 what if his reaction was something more like "What? Are you jealous or something?" which got reinterpreted in her emotionally-distraught victim-oriented headspace as "haha, you're just jealous"?

What if she went up to him and wasn't polite about it (Lord knows that's happened before)? Months after the breakoff, the girl was distraught enough to confront him, at a party no less, probably after a few drinks. He may have been tipsy too. And, cordiality may have flown out the window on both sides.

And, the girl's STILL upset enough to write a letter to an advice columnist?! Please. This girl, whether she realizes it or not, is not reacting with any amount of rationality, and was seriously broken up by this.
@15 - I think the Colbert episodes go up on the Colbert website fairly swiftly (both whole episodes and individual segments). There's just nothing recent at the moment because they've been off air for a week or so for Thanksgiving ;)

(I was at the taping earlier this evening though, and it's gooood!) (though all too short, sadly)
This seems familiar ... oh, wait, I know...

"I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother..."
I suspect he'll be back before his current girlfriend dumps him. And that's when she can tell him to fuck off.
@60, I disagree that she should have a heart-to-heart. She definitely should not get back into the same situation with him, and that's what a heart-to-heart is ultimately about, especially if he's crawling back. It's time to move on.
Okay, dearie, that makes about 50 of us -- at least! -- who are on your side here. Who are you going to listen to: your friends who said "what did you expect," or all of us, who think he was a stupid prick to just up and disappear? Hint: he was wrong to do this. And perhaps next time you see him at a party, he'll have her clinging desperately to his arm and he'll see you with your current hot guy, laughing it up and enjoying yourselves.
If your friend is dating a psycho and is broken up about it, you'd say something like "you're better off without him/her" "that sucks" or something else cliched, but "it's not a real relationship..." I'm questioning the reliability of TOWTT, if a friend is that dismissive of a relationship it usually means TOWTT was dismissive of the relationship until there was no relationship.

Why would a guy cut off all contact with a fuck-partner? Because she's unstable. How did she know he met a potential Mrs. Right? Through friends? Through a facebook status update? OR maybe he fucking told her!!
I know it's late in the thread, but I gotta say it

#17 is a contrarian, pretentious, self-important arm-chair psychologist asshole douce nozzle with a big heap of blame the victim libertarianism thrown in go to hell you pompous herpes sore. Worse than the douche who didn't call in my opinion. I went to college with assholes like this. They were f

that actually happened to me, guy never called, wrote, or texted, nothing. I knew it had an expiration date since it was long distance and I would have been perfectly happy with a breakup text. Asshole.

Regarding the letter, everyone seems to be saying he hates women, but gay guys do this to each other too. I think this is more general douchebaggery and not specifically misogynist douchebaggery.
@58 Men don't need technology to act like assholes. Pretty well documented fact.
@71, 72: men don't need technology OR vaginas to act like assholes!
@68, all I'm saying is that if they had excellent sex and got along well, and the only mistake he made was a bad breakup, there might be extenuating circumstances. She could find that out in the heart-to-heart. Can't you picture the movie? When he runs through the streets, in the rain, flowers in his hand, to catch her before she marries someone else, and confess to her that he always loved her? I'm not saying it's a Sure Thing, but, well, I'd see the movie.
Ahhh, thank you brandon @71. (my nerdy math brain is loving that your post 71 was commenting so aptly on 17, fwiw)

Where the fuck are you getting months later? Are you by any chance projecting onto this something that happened to *you*?

Even if your wild assumptions about what she felt and wanted are right, his reaction should have been to apologize for hurting her even if it was unintentional. HE is the asshole in this situation, and it's no surprise that your knee jerk reaction is to defend him.
Something weird here: if your partner is not "The One," is there no other category? No mad romances, no doomed-from-the-start affairs? You can only have "The One" or a FWB? Is there no middle ground?

Oh and EricaP much as I like you I am beginning to worry about you.....

I guess I'm just too cynical to think that he can be trusted, and this would be entering into too much drama. It sounds like she has already made her own attempt at a heart-to-heart, and he humiliated her. Anyway, I don't think she'll have much trouble finding another FWB..
60/Erica: If he were that much of a jerk, she'd have known it all along and seen this coming. I'm thinking he did have strong feelings for her, but is in denial about that.

Erica, it sure seems reasonable that this rude behavior of his at the end of their relationship wasn't completely out of character. But we don't know, because she didn't say how he behaved toward her while they were together. As for your second comment, even if that's the case, he still should have had the decency to say (or text/email) something to her.

AD/77, I'm curious...why do you think there's no other kind of intimate relationships besides "The One" and FWB?
@76 I'm projecting something I was fourth party to. But, were talking about letters with glossed over situations and unknown sides. I've known people who thought they were getting more of somebody than they were, and got pissed about it. I've also known people who are assholes who would do this to women, and friends alike.

His personality in this scenario could range from selfish asshole to just an emotionally-stunted jerk. Her personality could range from reasonable but slightly needy to not-self-aware obsessive with a hint of jealousy. Since we only get her side though, and she acts like everything on her side is peachy clean, I feel safe in putting hypotheticals saying she may have been wrong in her assumptions.

I'm not shaming her for being a slut. I'm saying she may have had the wrong idea about the scenario and could have handled the abrupt ending as poorly as he did (especially at a party, where she did use the word confront, which is an aggressive word).
Is it at all possible that the new girl asked him to sever ties completely? He'd have to be a bit of an asshole anyway to do it, but that does sort of make vague sense, if he told her about it. Some girls can be VERY paranoid about past relationships - especially if they were mostly sexual. And boys are so conditioned to believe that every little thing they do MIGHT HURT HER that they're oddly pliant. (Sometimes.)

It's also possible that he's just a massive dick, but it's still kind of bizarre to go from being FRIENDS with benefits, to totally cutting someone out of your life. If he does ask for you back, don't you dare say yes!
Maybe he has a different idea of what No Strings Attached means. Would it -really- have made a difference if he texted "by the way, I met someone, so bye"? Probably not; so -what- then?

OTOH, if you really had a FRIENDS with benefit relationship, then funny how you got through a year without perceiving that this guy was no friend at all. (Cuts you off instantly, doesn't care about how you are ... neither is a friend.) As if you were somehow semiconsciously hoping/ dreaming / deluding yourself about something more going on ... so much so that your (subliminal?) limerence- made you unable to see that he was -never- a friend?

No way to be sure but my hunch is that you need to do some thinking about what a -real- friend is. Check out a book on friendship - Montaigne's "On Friendship" is a good one - and do yourself a favor by not using the word so loosely.
I'd like to hear his side of the story. This woman's side is so pat and she does such a great job at painting herself as the victim that I'm sure she's not saying something.
Friends I've told about this have said something along the lines of, "Well, what did you expect? It wasn't a real relationship."

I'm surprised your friends would say something like that.
I'm not. It's surprisingly common for people to resent folks who have NSA sexual relationships. Some folks feel this way because of religion, some because of societal expectations (i.e. the so-called "real" relationships) and some because their sexuality is imprisoned by marriage, kids, time, whatever, and they feel real pissed that somebody else is getting laid without jumping through the millions unhappy hoops that they have to go through.
Just a possible reason for the guy's behaviour: cruel to be kind to firmly torpedo any feelings she had for him, feelings which would have left her pining away if she figured she had ANY hope at all.

That said, there's a difference between being firm, even harsh, and being an ungentlemanly douchenozzle and he was the latter. Even seeing his behaviour in the best possible light he was a stunningly rude asshole.
It's situations like these that keep me out of FWB "relationships." They're not "relationships", they're just arrangements for someone's ease and ultimately, someone's heartache.
The main problem with FWB situations, samantha, is that most of us have been propagandized from the get-go that they :
a) don't work and/or
(b) MUST be something else or will inevitably lead to something else; and/or
(c) are inevitably exploitative.

Kinda hard to establish a functional FWB thang simply because the Pavlovian responses are so strong. If you spend your whole life being told that there's no such thing as a mammal with a bill then your response on seeing a platypus won't be, "hey, everybody else is wrong and this is so cool!" but "I really didn't see that, I must have been mistaken" or "everybody else tells me that I must have been seeing things, and they must be right!"
I bet there was a good overlap between TOWTT and the new girlfriend, a good period of time where he was dating the new girl, but still seeing TOWTT. Then it got serious with new girl, and he found himself in a odd situation where he had to end his other arrangement, but to actually "break up" with her would be to admit that they had an actual relationship, and that he'd really been cheating on both of them for months.

He didn't want to admit to himself that he was already an asshole, and had been for months. So he just did what cowards do... tried to ignore it so it would go away.
oh please, we aren't getting all the information here. There is something she probably did that hurt his feelings and he went home and decided it was over and deleted her on FB.
Sorry, FWB don't get a "breakup talk", because they were never together in the first place! They get together when they can, that's it.
Get over it!
Seeker, I understand what you're saying, but I still haven't seen any FWB situations work out properly. All I see are a lot more tears and generally a few babies thrown in the mix.
Attitude devant @77 - lol. You and me both, honey, you and me both.

It has been that kind of a year. Here's to a new year (2011) with quite a bit less drama...
Roma @79 "she didn't say how he behaved toward her while they were together."

She said: "The sex was phenomenal, and we enjoyed each other's company outside the bedroom too." To me, it makes more sense to read that as "he was nice and funny and sexy and a good prospect to star opposite me in a romantic comedy" (except for the one little problem of different life goals). I don't see that she would describe their year that way if he was a selfish jerk the whole time. So that's why I don't think he's really a jerk. Just a wounded boy who didn't manage his feelings well at the end.
I had what I call a long-term booty call/FWB, and we never really communicated directly about the consistently changing status of our relationship. When I would get a boyfriend, I'd stop hitting him up. When I'd be single again, I'd hit him up. If he hit me up when I was otherwise engaged, I just wouldn't indicate that I was on the menu. I will say we never unfriended each other on fb or Myspace during lapses in our relationship. This went on for five years--still the longest relationship I've ever had. When we see each other, we're still friendly, but I never felt disrespected by this relationships fluidity or the lack of communication about our status. I took it on face value. In the case of TOWTT, I think two things are true: the guy is a dick, and she had a strong reaction to that. Some people are dicks, even people we sleep with. I wouldn't have confronted him about it. I would've just assumed, "Oh, he's a dick. Oh, well. Note to self: never speak to said dick again." I figure I don't have to demand after-the-fact respect from people I used to sleep with if I respect myself enough to know their opinion doesn't matter. Again, dude is a dick, at least for his reaction to her when she confronted him at the party--but that shit happens sometimes. I find it's best to just move on.
Dear All - apologies for being under-caffeinated and not giving you credit for being able to figure out which new year I meant.

I believe the phrase you're trying to rework in your headline is, "Wham! Bam! Thank You, Ma'am". Ever hear of Dean Martin? David Bowie? Ever hear of an editor?

Dan, you are a gem; and part of your charm has always been that airhead-with-insight quality. Mispronouncing "difficult" words, using "irregardless" when you mean "regardless", unwitting homages to Yogi Berra and Archie Bunker—they're all part of your lovable personality. (That they're also indicative of a generational trait; the "I'm not smart, I'm FUN!" trope, that has ultimately given China and India the edge is another matter.)

But now that you're an international star—weighing-in valiantly on political and social matters—you need to start paying more attention, lest people just think, "dickhead".
@98: I imagine a lot of people are thinking "dickhead" when they finish reading what you just posted.
@ 99 - Yep.

Also, linguists gave up on claiming that irregardless isn't a word long ago. The main reason to use "regardless" instead is really to keep amateur grammar Nazis from getting on your case. It's entered the English lexicon, and it ain't goin' 'way any time soon.
Maybe he felt rejected (you wouldn't have children with him) and this is his petty revenge. Don't fuck him.
I think the problem some people have with FWBs is the term itself. It seems to imply some degree of looseness that many love to cluck their tongues over, and is why the "friends" were quick to pile on when this thing blew up in the letter writer's face.

I really don't know why relationships have to be categorized anyway, other than by the terms "casual" or "serious."

Secondly, many people -- and men seem particularly good at this -- compartmentalize their thoughts, feelings and motivations. The guy in question simply closed the door on one relationship and moved on to the next. Sure, he was a jerk about it. But it just showed how much value he placed on that particular relationship. If he got serious about someone else, he would probably treat her a lot differently and could sustain a successful relationship. So there's no realistic indication he'll come crawling back to the first woman. It's a pleasant fantasy for her to have, though.

And he defriended her on facebook because the current girlfriend wanted him to.
What's done is done. As long as you continue to want decent treatment from him, he still owns part of you. Sometimes it's better to just say, "Nope, ain't gonna happen" and let it go.

To be clear, I'm not giving him a free pass. That was an asshole maneuver. I'm just saying you aren't gaining anything by holding onto it. You wouldn't keep holding onto a hot stove while it continued to burn you, right?

FWIW, I agree with those who say the abrupt distancing is to appease the new girlfriend, who probably is reading his email and text logs.

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