Dan's right, of course. This is an easy one.
Pretty much after every sentence in paragraph two, I thought, "Did you tell him? Did you tell him?"
It sounds like things have to change or it will definitely be over. Better to try than to let this great guy slip away without a fight. Tell him to put up his dukes a fight for your relationship.
Yep. The whole way through the letter, I was wondering why you are telling Dan all this. Tell the boyfriend. He's the one that needs to hear this.
The answer to the question, "How can I get what I want, without having to worry about hurting the other person's feelings?" in such situations is always: "You can't. So, figure out the most productive way to ask for what you want, and if you can't get it, be prepared to deal with that, or cut your losses and move on."

NOT, be sure to have this conversation with your boyfriend when you're both fully clothed. Couch what you say in terms of what you desire, rather than what you've not been getting, but don't pull your punches if he makes it clear he doesn't like what he's hearing. If he's not interested in becoming the best lover he can be, he's not the man for you.

The hardest part of the conversation might turn out to be dealing with his frustration over not learning the truth about how you feel about this until now, so have your answer ready to address that concern. You could do worse than, "I didn't want to wound your pride, but I messed up by not saying anything soon after we started sleeping together, and I take responsibility for that."

A doctor "prescribes," not "proscribes," medication, Dan.
I kind of resent this line:

He's a scientist, and he has sex like a scientist.

Maybe you mean that sex with him is clinical, but I have to tell you, I've had sex with more than one scientist that made me see the midnight sun, y'all.
Based on his description, the one thing is boyfriend is not doing is having sex like a scientist. Science is all about experimentation, trying new things, collected data on what does and doesn't work, and adapting future experiments according to the collected data. Everybody should be having sex like a scientist :-)
Just for the record, we scientists aren't all cold, analytical, and passionless. I'm sure I have some statistics around here somewhere that would convince you of that ...
(Dan corrected the mistake I mentioned while I was editing my longer post.)
I wonder if the boyfriend was sexually abused, and doesn't know how to make sex feel pleasureable, or if he just hasn't yet been taught how to please a partner in bed.
"He's a scientist, and he has sex like a scientist."

Um. Scientists review the relevant literature, look for unexplored avenues, conduct extensive experimentation, review mountains of generated data, suggest conclusions, rinse and repeat. Scientists know that when optimizing in multi-parameter space, you *must* make excursions to avoid getting trapped in local maxima. Further, they know that changing assumptions in their merit function can change everything.

Your boy does not fuck like a scientist.

Ask him to fuck like a scientist; he just might get it.
@7, @8 - you beat me to the punch. Good on ya :)
Also, it's terrible to judge someone based merely on a letter to Dan, but I have a distinct feeling that someone who spends as much time in front of a mirror as the aggressive bottom BF does isn't going to stand for taking anal sex off the menu for one instant much less six months.

I hope I'm wrong.
as a scientist, perhaps he'd be open to thinking about improving sex as a scientific experiment.

observations: you are having sex that is leaving one partner unsatisfied

hypothesis: as a couple, you can have sex that you both find satisfying

test the hypothesis by talking as dan suggested, and come up with some tests to see which of those fantasies works for both of you. and remember, in science as in life, the failed tests can be as informative as successful tests.
He has sex like an applied scientist, he meant to write. Goes to the gym to hold his body at exactly the point he has established is best, and performs sexual operations in the way he has determined to be the most efficient.

Now your fundamental scientists, on the other hand, are endlessly questing jizz monkey gods.
Part of the problem is you saying "he flies through foreplay like its his weekend chore list, and goes straight to the fucking as quick as he can". He's the voracious bottom, YOU don't let HIM fly through foreplay. If he can't get there without you, then you have the power to take control of the lovemaking for awhile. Go on the internet, explore kissing tips, techniques and positions, explore foreplay tips, techniques and positions, explore hot sex tips, techniques and positions. Buy a book as a gift to each other. Someone should be able to recommend some good books for you guys. Seems like the two of you need to have a long talk and then YOU need to take charge, slow it down and make great sex for both of you. Then maybe you two will be in a position for him to take the reigns for awhile. Good luck.
The bf's either incapable of being taught, or hasn't been taught. I'm guessing the former. Scientist + killer body = insurmountable ego about sexuality (at least, generally). "I'm smart and have a hot body...who wouldn't want me?" It's like the guys huge cocks who are god awful boring in bed.

LW, you have an opportunity. TEACH HIM. Grab him by the ears, and retrain him on how to give head. Forcefully change the way he kisses. He may be able to be taught. Also, tell him he's terrible. Give him pointers. Maybe you should give him a report card with grades on it. Foreplay: D+, Anal Sex: C-, etc.
You've been together two years? I would have given this guy one more chance after the first time, but that's it.
Nope, "we scientists aren't all cold, analytical, and passionless", some are indeed "endlessly questing jizz monkey gods". Those white coats and goggles are deliberately deceiving, the things we can wear or not wear under them might surprise some.

Good luck, NOT.
Also, LW...there is a weird sort of connection between sci-fi fans (and scientists) and being kinky (especially bdsm). It's not always there, but it may be in this case. Maybe he's kinky and you just need to bring out the cuffs?
He's cheating on you with his experimental sexbot.
Just curious how long it's been bad. Since the beginning, relatively recently, or what?
Sounds more like an aspie than just a scientist; I am both, and though there is an overlap, they are not synonymous. Particularly, we asp-holes can have a problem not understanding how other people are experiencing things; if you like us or love us, you can distinguish that from our understanding but not caring, which is arsehole territory, and not the good kind. The good news: aspies can make great lovers when we get interested in it, and knowing there's a problem that might cut off the sex is a great way to get interested.

I recommend this book, intended for partners, but good for both:…

and anti-recommend this:…
Whoa, Dan -- MDMA ain't cannabis. As someone who vigorously supports MDMA-assisted psychotherapy I have to say it's not a magic bullet, and it shouldn't be handed out like Tylenol.

Have you ever spent 5 hours with an MDMA casualty who got stuck in a dark space and couldn't get out? Now THAT is suffering.

MDMA is a sword with two edges, and has to be treated with caution and respect.
"He's a scientist, and he has sex like a scientist." OK, I'm far from the first to comment on this, but maybe this will add a little something - does he have a sense of humor? Because my darlin' and I are both scientists (And gloomy gus, I have to say I often enjoy your comments, but no applied scientist worth their salt will be satisfied that the one solution they've found is the best - local maxima, as opticsdoug says) and here is how we amuse ourselves:

"Hey baby...I have a hypothesis."
"Oooo...a _testable_ hypothesis?"
"Come here and find out."
(some time later)
"So - results?"
"Oh, I think we might reject the null - though of course only one data point, you know..."
"You're saying we'll have to try this again later."
"Well, trying it again _right now_ would keep the experimental conditions as close to the same as possible..."

You get the idea. Cheesy? Tacky? Oh hell yeah. But it makes us laugh and if your boyfriend might feel threatened by being told he sucks rocks in bed (and not in a good way), this might be a way to draw him in to seeing experimentation as fun. Presumably he finds _something_ fun about being a scientist, after all...
I'm a scientist too, and I think that that kind of mindset helps a lot in the bedroom. You keep your brain working, you get inside your special other's head and think about what would make them feel works!

@24: It's a sword with two edges, all right, but the Rock Head ability prevents recoil damage. You should look into it.
Just wondering if anyone saw the article in the Huffington Post. Apparently, a stem cell transplant seems to have cured HIV in a patient. WOW!…
"He's a scientist, and he has sex like a scientist."

Oi! My boyfriend practically gets a hard-on just THINKING about photons and I assure you he's an excellent kisser! The foreplay's wonderful too.
Anyone with a partner who rushes through foreplay to get to the fucking has the ability to say, "Whoa, baby, where's the fire? Slow the fuck down!" If you don't, you have only yourself to blame.

Not everyone gets off on foreplay. Not even every woman. But if your partner is shorting you on it and you resent it, um, jeezus, I dunno, maybe fucking SAY something?!
I agree with everyone who says that this is not scientific sex! Jeez.

Also, what in the hell is up with people using the description "sweet" when they actually mean "basically made of glass and apt to shatter at the slightest hint of criticism"? "Sweet" is somebody I'd actually be willing to speak to about improving our sex life, or about an open relationship. "OK Honey, let's try that out" - that's sweetness.

This guy just sounds demanding, out of touch and brittle.
I agree with everything but 'anal off the menu for six months.'

Let's go with the assumption that the boyfriend isn't trying to be emotionally or sexually disconnected; he's either clueless or not being communicated with fully by the letter writer. So the letter writer does the smart, loving, constructive thing and communicates his displeasure - and then, we hope, the boyfriend immediately apologizes and commits to working on the situation together.

And then the boyfriend hears that he can't have the sex HE wants for six months? Not only is that going to put him in the position of the letter writer of not being sexually satisfied - two wrongs don't make a right - but it's going to make HIS eye wander to tops that are on his wavelength.

There's two kinds of compromise; the kind of compromise where neither party gets exactly what they thought they wanted, but learns to create something they're both happy with - and the kind where both parties get exactly what they want half the time. I don't see why you shouldn't start with compromise type II immediately, and work on compromise type I gradually.
Re: scientist sex - I have sex with an engineer, and I think I know what you mean by this. Delightfully though, I've found it very easy to give directions to the engineer - they seem like things nice and logical and clear-cut. Try just saying something like "suck on my right nipple for 12 seconds," or "there must be 18 minutes of making out before anybody sticks anything in anywhere," or "this party does not get started until these conditions are met" (level of hardness / wetness, pupils dilated to 3 mm, whatever indicates that you are ready).
@32 wins the thread, IMHO.
Been there, should have done that.
Damn, the LW sounds like a woman from the style of the latter and the gay boyfriend sounds like an incredibly passive woman from his lack of interest in sex. Ya got a couple of dykes there.
@35: How long have you been reading this column? You don't think there's any low libido men out there who won't fuck their disgruntled women?
In my experience the hotter the guy looks, the worse he is in bed. Average looking guys don't have their good looks to rely on, so they make more of an effort.
@6-8, my mother (yeah, that had me scrubbing out the ol' brain pan at the time) dated a physicist for a few years after her divorce. Her oblique references to their sex life were nothing short of rapturous and she always attributed it to his devotion to learning, experiments and empiricism.

Oh god, memories of those conversations are coming back a little too strongly. Going to go Clorox the inside of my skull.

to the LW, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, TELL HIM YOU'RE NOT ENJOYING IT. Seriously, dude. If he's the sweetest man in the world, he's going to want to work with you to improve your physical relationship.
Jeez how many scientists and/or people associated with scientists are there on these comment threads? I'm glad other people said it better, so I don't have to.

There's probably a joke about lack of funding and/or citations in there as well.
Man, scientists are TOUCHY. Who knew?
HUMANS are touchy, Gou Tongzhi. And there's enough anti-science prejudice in society (including the scientists-just-want-to-read-books-and-aren't-sexy thing) to make scientists sigh. (Yes, I'm one, too.)

Dan, just one thing. You often get this kind of letter: someone isn't sexually satisified with bf/gf yet 'loves him/her and doesn't want to lose him/her'. Your usual advice is: the sexual problem is going to make it impossible, so either solve it now or leave. I think you're not dealing well with the fact that there are other, non-sexual attractions between the two -- in this case, for instance, obviously the two guys do enjoy each other's company. You could at least tell them that they might be better as friends than as lovers -- not every sexual incompatibility implies DMTFA, some just imply 'solve your sex problem or get other partners, but go on with whatever other activities the two of you enjoy together'.

Human relationships can be complicated and polymorphic. Depends on the personalities involved.
+10 To all the scientists/scientist-lovers who rushed to the defense of the private side of the profession here. Y'all made my night. (And yes, there does seem to be a rather high proportion on this board, doesn't there? I think perhaps further data are needed. Anybody want to draft a preliminary questionnaire?) But, when I first read that sentence, I have to admit I was subjected to a mental slideshow of various faculty members in my department in flagrante. *SHUDDER*

And God, how do I wish somebody had taken me and my soon-to-be ex (and still best friend) by the ears and given us that advice two years into our relationship. NOT, have that conversation NOW! The longer you wait the harder it gets to fix things, and if there truly is a fundamental sexual incompatibility between you two (some people just like it quick, rough and dirty, and that may not change for him), isn't it better to figure that out now instead of ten years from now?

And yeah, six months seems a bit harsh doesn't it? I think taking his primary pleasure off the table for a while will definitely help, but since this a long-distance relationship, maybe say no anal for the next few visits. Or next time you get a long weekend together, say no anal until the last day and only if he's gotten you off X number of times in X number of ways first. Then if you're still going limp during, stop and make him figure out what HE can do to change that, and make sure he doesn't come until you're ready to join him. If he's a voracious bottom, match that by being an equally demanding top. Balance is, after all, only scientific.
One other thought: NOT could always make sure the BF gets him off first and then actually pound him with a cucumber...
Holy shit, I had no idea how many scientists populated slog. Now I love it even more. Almost everything has been said by others. I would add that should he decide to work on his abilities, you should try exploiting the mentality that does come from science; experimentation, observation and repetition. He needs to understand that the end result had better be YOUR arousal and YOUR satisfaction as well as his. So he should be ready to try different things, then OBSERVE if they are working for you and REPEAT to be sure. You can provide the peer-review ;-)

All of this has to happen only if he's willing to work on his abilities. No matter how sweet he is, if he's a super-hot scientist he might have a somewhat elevated idea of his market value. He needs to understand that being a terrible lover is going to make him LOSE something. It has to be a deal breaker or he'll never swallow his pride and work to make it better.
Sounds more like the BF's having sex like a dentist.
I would have to think that anyone who says "I dread sex when visiting" in talking about a lover has passed the point of no return.

Yeah, these two are probably better off as friends. Facebook friends.
"he has sex like a scientist" Aah! This is the exact opposite of how a scientist should be fucking! Scientists are trained in the scientific method, which involves observation, hypothesis, experimentation, observation, repeat until one arrives at a functional theory (in this case, sex practices that work for you both). A good scientist, applying hir training to fucking, should be noting that what sie's doing isn't working, and changing things up. It sounds like the BF is either a bad scientist, or doesn't care about sex enough to try at all. But please, do not disparage Scientists™!
Scientist here as well. Always attracted to the nerdiest of the nerds in Nerdville. I have been with several men who were clearly Asperger's-like and I always initially think they're being insensitive jerks in bed until I remember that they can't help the fact that they can't read my mind. You have to explain how you feel and what you want pretty explicitly. Usually that helps a lot.

If he doesn't take care of your needs AFTER he has all the information (or, rather, if his behavior doesn't change at all), then you may properly dump him.

LW, you HAVE TO tell him. Give him a chance to make you happy.
Dittoes to the "that's not sex like a scientist" crowd. I figured out scientists are the best nearly 20 years ago, married one, came out the other side of that, and continue to experiment. I moved to near MIT, where the fish run thick.

When I want to try something new with a partner, I start with, "Let's do science!" That puts everyone in the right frame of mind, and it makes it OK if it doesn't work out. Negative result? Make a note and move on, we've got plenty of notes on what does work. You have to talk to them, you have to bring things up to the surface, but I'll never switch.
Don't think telling the BF that he's a lousy lay is going to be constructive. Before we all agree that the BF IS a lousy lay, can't we also come to the conclusion that they just aren't sexually compatible? I mean 1 top/1 bottom does not necessarily guarantee compatibility. The BF should not be criticized or forced to change simply because he likes his sex quick and to the point, without long periods of kissing and foreplay.

The fact that this monogamous relationship has been going on for two years, long-distance no less, leads me to believe it will be no big thing to just be friends (or Facebook friends as someone suggested). I mean, usually well before 2 years, a couple will have a plan to live in the same city if its meant to be a truly serious "life partner" type thing. The separate cities makes a break up even easier since you don't have to run into each other.
LMAO @ endlessly questing jizz monkey gods.

Maybe the LW needs a SOCIAL scientist. I'm available, but probably too female for his tastes.
Have a session of ONLY foreplay one night. Just massage and lick each other's nipples for a couple of hours. Or whatever turns you on. Let him learn to associate those actions with sex.

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