Catholic Bishops to Straight Marrieds: No More Oral, No More Handjobs, No More Anal

Comments

1
Good grief! Do these sanctimonius hypocrites ever tire of sounding so damn stupid? You just know they're sucking each other's cocks and banging each other's asses. Afterall, the old saying goes, for every rat you do see, there's fifty rats you don't see.
2
Thanks for the link to the Kristof column. HIs updated byline photo is much better than his old one. The closing line was hilarious, though: "visit my blog, where George Clooney and I are answering your questions about malaria."

(It makes me wonder if after MTV picks up your pilot the end of your posts will say things like "visit my MTV channel online, where Snooki and I are holding a forum on crabs.")
3
We need to coin the term "Christian bed death."
4
... er, "Catholic bed death" might be more fitting. But y'know.
5
Maybe they should have been going to the movies 30 years ago instead of chasing altar boys, then they would have seen the Pythons beat them to it, and with music:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0kJHQpvg…

...and to clarify, is Catholic oral sex merely wasting a sperm, or is it cannibalism?
6
@5 In my house it's a sacrament. No ritual cannibalism for me.
7
This all assumes these self-appointed individuals have any authority over the majority of people under <30. They're yelling at old people.
8
gus, you better prepare for all the Catholic, BJ denied men who will be visiting you in Purgatory. Start the jaw exercises now...
9
Why would I ever listen to a bunch of celibate men on the subject of how to practice sex?
10
Canuck, if the 'donor' isn't Catholic, it could be blasphemeat!
11
Oh, God, Canuck, "you're a Catholic the moment Dad came". Thank you!
12
Women's orgasms are filthy.
13
This is shaping up to be one of the best comment threads ever. Any one of you Sloggers' posts could be my most liked Facebook status of the year.
14
Blasphmeat! Sacraments! You know what this means, don't you guys? No more swallowing! Or you'll end up in Purgatory with a pocketful of nickels, where gus will be waiting to give you one of his famous 5 cent blow jobs....wait a minute....
15
While we're on the subject, ever notice how Catholics are getting away with murder? What I mean is they're sending large groups of their spawn to public schools while their right wing friends are slashing school budgets. How about a law that says free public education for two, any more and you pay?!?
16
It's not just young people who are ignoring pope and his minions. I grew up in a devout catholic family with five kids in the sixties. We're all over 40 now, my parents are in their seventies, and not only did all of us kids give up on the church long ago, but my parents finally had enough and they've stopped going to mass too. This seems to be pretty common among the people I grew up with. My best friend stayed with it the longest, he was even a deacon for a while (I think that's the right term, it means he's a lay person they drafted to help during mass, as they're aren't enough priests.) He finally defected to the Episcopals, primarily over the treatment of women and gays by the RCC.
17
Canuck, in the afterlife I'll put up billboards: "Bring Your Blasphemeat: I've Got Your Pearly Gates Right Here. Five Cents Only - Your Credit Always Good."
18
The missionary position = one missionary + one child.
19
This is the best comments thread ever. I have nothing funny to say, as I haven't yet had any coffee.
20
@16, I grew up in a New England town so Catholic that the people who went to the one Protestant church were "those weirdos" -- I was barely aware that there was a such thing as Mormons, never mind Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists or whatever. At least I'd seen a few Jewish people on TV.

My Mom's family was Irish Catholic, my Dad's was Quebecois Catholic. My cousin was killed by his drunk driving priest (who was later jailed for molesting kids and may have done the same to my cousin).

No one in our family is Catholic anymore...
21
I knew I was wise to check this thread one more time before running out the door....as always, thank you muchly, dear gus, you have forever changed my mental image of "Pearly Gates"...
22
The real question is "who the hell pays any attention to what the Catholic church has to say about sex?" Hell, even the devout Catholics I know blew that out their ass a long time ago.
23
So, the married folk can't have anal, oral or handjobs. Another great day to be single!
24
All I know is, if I stoppped using Mr. Teamcanada for "my own gratification", he would get a major case of the sads. Sexual objectification within marriage, yay!
25
I'm genuinely curious: are Catholic couples supposed to stop having sex forever once the woman hits menopause? I mean, if it's just for procreation, once you stop bleeding, no more chance of babies. Sorry, your sex life is over! At least if you're infertile, you can always claim that God might bless you with a "miracle" so you may as well keep trying.

It's funny -- when I was a kid, and we saw somebody with a really big family, my (Protestant) grandmother would usually make some comment along the lines of, "I wonder if they're Catholic." Nowadays, when you see a family with 15 kids, 99% of the time they'll be Duggar-like fundies. None of the Catholic couples I know, even the ones who go to mass, have more than 3 children.
26
No hand jobs? No oral? Or anal? But that's how we Catholic Girls keep our Technical Virginity™ ! It's the reason that the t-shirt "I <3 Catholic Girls" exists! All that is supposed to end once the knot is tied? Talk about bait and switch!
27
Part of the problem, though, is that many of the Catholics who are fundamentally decent people, and not arrogant, obnoxious, meddling, sex-obsessed bigots still tithe to the church, and help support all the ones who are. It's my opinion that the Catholic church just needs to die off (along with all other organized religions), and the only steps towards that is for the sane people to stop supporting them, to stop going to church, to stop giving money to churches, to stop calling themselves Catholics (or whatever else), to stop telling your children that they're Catholic (or whatever else), etc...
28
And God said, Go forth, multiply. When the devil tempts you to enjoy it remember that it's multiplication, not a party.
29
Blasphemy is a blast for me
30
...bishops are cautioning married couples to not get too focused on sexual acts other than intercourse...
Well, if their eyes aren't rolling back in their heads, you're doing it wrong! Step up your game so you meet the letter of the law, people!
31
@28

But math can be SOOO much fun!
32
If you disagree with all Catholic dogma, then why take an interest in this particular dogma?

I get that you're skeptical of the whole institution, because you disagree that sex should only be for procreation and because of the abuse scandals. But in that case, isn't what Catholics advise to other Catholics really irrelevant?

I'm not a Catholic, but on its own merits, the dogma strikes me as harmless and kind of sweet in its own demented Catholic way. They're basically saying: "Don't treat the missus like your personal porn star; but as long as your heart's in the right place and your eventual purpose is to procreate, do whatever you want to each other."
33
@32: Because they keep trying to make laws out of what they think should be happening in the bedroom, for one thing.
34
Anyone who tries to stop snowballs in Canada must be crazy.
35
@25 "I mean, if it's just for procreation, once you stop bleeding, no more chance of babies."

Remember that you can always hope for a miracle. And some chick in the bible had a baby when she was like 600 and had never had a kid before so...

However, miracles will only happen in Penis/Vagina Intercourse (PVI). God can not preform anal, oral, or handjob miracles. That is beyond the power of a being who created the universe, once stopped time, split himself in three and sacrificed one of himself to himself, and appears on toast throughout the world.
36
The official Catholic position (and yes, there is one), on oral sex, manual stimulation, and any other hetrosexual sex acts other than penis-in-vagina sex is that they are OK as long as they lead to penis-in-vagina sex, and any ejaculation happens in the vagina.

And that interest in the minutae of what happens in married couples bedrooms (because only married heterosexual couples ever have sex) by a bunch of supposedly celibate men (oh, I could tell stories from the time I spent working for the Catholic church...) are a big part of why I'm not Catholic any more. My current denomination believes that what happens in the bedroom is between the participants and God. Oh, we belive that sexuality is a gift from God (regardless of orientation or gender identity) that shouldn't be misued, but recognize that "miuse" has individual definitions.
37
split himself in three and sacrificed one of himself to himself
@ dwight, that is hilarious, thanks!

It just baffles me how anyone can truly believe in this religion given absurd nonsense like the above.
38
@35: See, Dwight, now I want toast. Yummy, miraculous toast. Not this boring old yogurt I brought for my lunch. Why can't Jesus appear in my yogurt? Or the Blessed Virgin? I mean she's a chick. Chicks dig yogurt. Why can't she manifest in my Yoplait? Why?!
39
Dammit, now I have *no* coffee left after reading all this incautiously with said cup in hand.

@6 -- gives new meaning to "this is my body..." *cackles*
40
Wow. It must be so nice to have the inside, absolute scoop on 'what God intended'.

If only they'd post their links, or sources.... You know, the absolute ones that allow for no interpretation whatsoever... The 'bullet points' memos from God, IOW....
41
I read that as "stick your thing in her nasty twat while I thank God that I don't have to." It is also mixed with the jealousy inherent in the fact that straight marrieds get to have officially sanctioned orgasms in the presence of another person while the clergy does not and then twisted into the sour grapes aspect that at least those orgasms have to happen in a way that the clergy finds disgusting.
42
To be fair, as I understood this particular meddling, those things aren't forbidden as long as it all ends in a cream pie.
43
I'm the youngest of 13. None of us are Catholics anymore, not even my parents. And my husband and I were both fixed before we married. Are we not allowed, by this dogma, to ever do the nasty again? Believe me, you do not want to be the person telling my husband that: he'll be on a water tower with a .30-.30 in two days.
44
maybe god wouldnt have made the asshole SO FUCKING AWESOME for fucking if he didnt want it fucked. or handjobs so righteous.

who the fuck listens to this make believe bullshit?
45
@43 Geni

I would be interested to hear how your parents left the church.
46
@26: Here's one for all the Catholic girls.
47
“Only the chaste man and the chaste woman are capable of true love,” the late pope said.

Says it all right there.
48
@47, I assume he refers to the frisson of guilt and danger that makes orgasms exquisite. It's a pinnacle that only Catholics have mastur'd.
49
@12 Pshaw. Women don't have orgasms.
50
@ 5 Good point. We're supposed to eat God, but sperm is off limits? Catholics have some pretty out there beliefs.
51
Catholic Bishops to Straight Marrieds: No More Oral, No More Handjobs, No More Anal--but we can fuck all the altar boys we like.
52
Matthew 19

12 For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”
53
@23, oral, anal, and handjobs within a heterosexual marriage are fine so long as they lead to penis-in-vagina intercourse.

@43, you sinned by getting yourself fixed, but so long as you are now "open to the idea" of making a baby, you can still have sex with your husband. That's assuming you care what the Catholic Church teaches, which I assume you don't.
54
@23 Seconded! This is just one more reason to never get married.
55
As one half of a chaste couple, my husband and I are having lots and lots of sex, including all the sort of sex we're not supposed to be having but not so much of the PV/I type. And it's all lots of fun.

D
56
@45 - I actually don't know, but I assume it has to do with the divorce. They got divorced when I was six weeks old. Obviously, I wasn't privy to the decisions. I understand another woman was involved, but it was my mother that was living with her. Neither of my parents ever went to Mass with me, although I was taken by other relatives until I was about 8, at which time I told a priest that Transubstantiation was ritual cannibalism and decided I was an atheist. I never had First Communion, so technically, I'm not really even a lapsed Catholic.
57
I'm another one from a big Catholic family in which none of the members, including my divorced-and-remarried parents, are practicing Catholics today.

What's interesting to me is that all of the people I know who still call themselves Catholic do so just because they want to take advantage of the Catholic school system in the area, which in many cases is better than the public school system.

They are true "Cafeteria Catholics," picking and choosing the things about the church they want to take advantage of and ignoring the rest.
58
A lot of people get horny at least once a day. Sooo does that mean god wants us to procreate every day?
59
Memo to those Catholic bishops: Fuck that noise. Vaginally, of course.
60
My family was retardedly catholic. Apparently, my (super catholic) mum was weirded out that my dad's parents didn't have any non-catholic books. My parents were pro-life activists, went to church every week and were very involved with churchy activities. My brothers were (carefully scrutinized) altar boys. I went to christian camp. We got talks about no sex before marriage.

My parents are now divorced and have remarried, my aunt divorced and remarried (a Jew!), and my sister and I are pro-choice activists who have lots of out of wedlock sex. This is the story of most catholics. We go to catholic schools where the girls wear sex costumes. Catholics by and large ignore the BS the church spews at us and are becoming more and more sensible with every generation. My kids will go to Church to learn about their heritage, but not one cent will go towards the institution.
61
@60: "My brothers were (carefully scrutinized) altar boys"

Not sure I even want to know what you mean by that...
62
@60 "My kids will go to church to learn about their heritage"

But what if one of them falls in? Seriously, even if I had a Catholic background, I wouldn't want to chance my kids getting snagged by the church. There's a chance they'll rebel against you like you rebelled against the Church.

Heaven forbid one of your children becomes a priest or a nun. What will the neighbors think?
63
@35: Fucking. Hilarious.