how about you pay for her therapy?

don't lash out at your daughter because you a douche and you suck at cheating.

when I was in my early 20s, my dad called me and told me that he had been cheating on my mom for a year and change, and they were divorcing, and he was going to go see the new woman in a few days.

I was really upset, and I had some really crazy ideas. thankfully I was old enough to filter them.

your daughter is 15 and hasn't developed those filters yet. don't punish her for that, otherwise you will go down as being the worst dad in the world, two times over.

Some of you obviously don't understand teenagers. Their brains are still developing and they are just beginning to develop a social conscience. They have a very black and white sense of morality. They are not adults, and should not be expected to react as adults. Yes, her actions made this way more painful for more people than it needed to be, but she's a child and her father and close family "friend" are adults with fully developed brains. They bear the responsibility for sending naked pictures on family computers and being cheating, dishonest pieces of shit. They need to bear the responsibility for this disaster. The teenager will learn from time and the natural consequences of her actions that there are better ways to handle betrayal.

I'm thinking a key force here is the "best friend" - knowing teenage girls, I would bet a million dollars that the best friend was the driving force behind the very movie-like revenge plot.

I don't either parent is in a great position for punishment. Both are very hurt by this whole thing. But that said if no punishment is given the daughter will think it is alright for her to invade people's private lives. The punishment should be the harsh truth. I think they need counseling and while at counseling read a letter he wrote to his daughter with the counselor present. Explain that for years you have kept the marriage between her mother and yourself together by having this affair. Her mother's happiness is ruined, your happiness is ruined, her happiness is ruin, an entire family happiness is ruined, all because she chose to act irresponsible and instead of talking to you. She needs to realize that her actions led to these consequences. Now the future is uncertain where you and your wife is concerned. Yes, she is young. But she is old enough to know better and will not learn other wise. If she doesn't realize this now, she will realize it later. That potentially she was the catalysis for breaking up not only her family but others. Best to have the consoler present.

You might want to enclose in the letter a printed out picture of one of those embarrassing moments all kids have in their lives. Say in order to teach her how it feels to have your entire life ruin that you could post this picture at her school. Then in the next sentence you say you could have done that but you won't because you love her. That even though she hurt you deeply. That she hurt her mother deeply. That she hurt this woman, her entire family, and children deeply. Most of all hurting herself. That you couldn't hurt her. You're her father, where she cares about that or not. You still do. You will always love her, even when you are mad at her or disappointed in her when she does such despicable actions that your love for her will never change. That he forgives her for hurting him and those he cares about, because thats what fathers do. And he can only hope in the future that she can forgive him for his actions for hurting her and her mother. That was not his intention. Probably insert a few more sorries. Why? Because she is hurt just as much as all the people in this. She is embarrassed that her friend and probably half the school know her father cheated, she ruined an entire family, and potentially broke up their own family. She will undoubtedly be ridicule by one of her peers for this. In the end she will not come out of this at all unscathed.

i found evidence that my mom was cheating when i was around 13...it wasn't a big surprise (because she often didn't come home at night after work) but nobody in my family ever talked about anything difficult, so i kept my mouth shut too. years later, this was just one incident of many which made me finally realize that i can't trust my mom. it's a painful thing to know.

why do people assume the kid was "lashing out?" she probably just thought the others had a right to know what she had learned. teenager or adult, in instances when one finds out that they are one of many other people who are all being lied to, to a natural reaction is to tell the other people that are being lied to as well.

I don't either parent is in a great position for punishment. Both are very hurt by this whole thing. But that said if no punishment is given the daughter will think it is alright for her to invade people's private lives. The punishment should be the harsh truth. I think they need counseling and while at counseling read a letter he wrote to his daughter with the counselor present. Explain that for years you have kept the marriage between her mother and yourself together by having this affair. Her mother's happiness is ruined, your happiness is ruined, her happiness is ruin, an entire family happiness is ruined, all because she chose to act irresponsible and instead of talking to you. She needs to realize that her actions led to these consequences. Now the future is uncertain where you and your wife is concerned. Yes, she is young. But she is old enough to know better and will not learn other wise. If she doesn't realize this now, she will realize it later. That potentially she was the catalysis for breaking up not only her family but others. Best to have the consoler present.

You might want to enclose in the letter a printed out picture of one of those embarrassing moments all kids have in their lives. Say in order to teach her how it feels to have your entire life ruin that you could post this picture at her school. Then in the next sentence you say you could have done that but you won't because you love her. That even though she hurt you deeply. That she hurt her mother deeply. That she hurt this woman, her entire family, and children deeply. Most of all hurting herself. That you couldn't hurt her. You're her father, where she cares about that or not. You still do. You will always love her, even when you are mad at her or disappointed in her when she does such despicable actions that your love for her will never change. That he forgives her for hurting him and those he cares about, because thats what fathers do. And he can only hope in the future that she can forgive him for his actions for hurting her and her mother. That was not his intention. Probably insert a few more sorries. Why? Because she is hurt just as much as all the people in this. She is embarrassed that her friend and probably half the school know her father cheated, she ruined an entire family, and potentially broke up their own family. She will undoubtedly be ridicule by one of her peers for this. In the end she will not come out of this at all unscathed.

Your family's about to fall apart over this? So is hers. And she's still legally dependent. That's more than enough punishment.

Also, if this divorce does happen, remember that a judge is going to interpret the appropriateness of your punishment as part of his decisions on custody, child support, and general right to make parenting decisions. Judges are generally not known to be SL readers with an empathy for the "good cheater", or his mistress and her family.

This idiotic man owes his daughter a huge apology. What she did was awful, thoughtless, a violation of privacy—everything he says it is. But she's still a child with a developing brain and moral code and his hypocritical, cheating actions put everyone in this postion. He has wrecked his relationship with his daughter for at least 10 years; if I were him I'd bend over backwards to make it right, rather than freaking punish the girl.

Having an affair = wrong and hurtful. Providing evidence of said affair to those negatively impacted by it = disgusting cruelty, a violation of privacy and a flagrant lack of respect for the basic humanity of others.

My advice? STFU, because your social and moral compass is completely fucked up.

As with all letters, we don't know the whole story here. Maybe it was the best friend who wanted to impersonate FUBARD and the daughter went along with it. But what the daughter needs to know is those actions were wrong: impersonating someone, then violating the girlfriend's privacy in a very terrible way, AND also traumatizing the gf's kids, parents, etc. I can totally see that when she's much older, and say she finds out her partner is cheating on her. She could easily do the same thing to the person that her partner is cheating with - email photos of that person to their school, employer, parents - and the damage to that person could be much worse if it gets that far. Did you hear about the 14-year old kid in Quebec who ratted out a secretary at his school because he saw her x-rated photos on a porn site? Now she's been fired from her job. And for what? For doing something legal that had NO effect on her job? Christ.

So yes, the daughter has to know the ramifications of her actions. Someone credible has to walk her through this and this person has to be someone she likes, trusts and respects. That's certainly not FUBARD, and it won't be mom either, not because mom is not someone the daughter doesn't like, trust, respect, but because mom is too close to this situation as the one that's been cheated on. She needs to talk to someone who was not involved with the situation, and who also understands it, like a family therapist.

In the meantime FUBARD, you have a LOT of work to do. You obviously had problems in your marriage. What happened? Did you try to work them out? Why did you choose to cheat? Now's the time to be really honest with yourself. Someday (hopefully in a few months), you should be able to talk to your daughter and show genuine remorse for what you did. Be a role model and show understanding of the ramifications of your actions - that's what you want her to do, too, right? You all need therapy, individually, and as a family.

He should write his daughter a long letter, explaining all about his motivations for the affair and the heartbreaking repercussions her thoughtless exposure has caused for him, his girlfriend and her family, and their own family. The girl needs to learn that not all situations are black and white, and that doing the "right" thing might not always be the right thing.

Wow, I think the kid should apply for the FBI! Superb investigative work, kiddo! And it's not like she broadcast the information to her friends, she forwarded it to the people she believed could remedy this terrible affair. I think it took guts to do something like that. I'm assuming the other kids were likely older teenagers as well. She just blew the whistle on something shitty happening. Obviously you don't get to punish her for telling on you. That's all she did. Really, you could own up to what you did, but that would take maturity, which you obviously don't have.

When I was a little bit younger than your daughter, I found some letters to my mother from a man who wasn't my father. I wasn't snooping, I took the letters out of context, and I assumed the worst. I confronted my mother - days before the internet - and my mother fortunately had the wisdom to be honest enough to explain that the man was a good friend who had become infatuated with her. Rather than humiliate him, she kept the letters, which were very sweet, and didn't tell my father so as not to alter his friendship with the guy. It haunts me to this day what might have happened if I'd shown my dad. Trust me, if she has any empathy at all, the fallout will be punishment enough. My mom didn't punish me. She didn't need to. I would say, yes, absolutely, her mother should be the only one doling out punishments at this moment. You aren't in your right mind. You're embarrassed. And even if she receives no punishment from your wife, I think in this case she needs no more punishment from you, because in her mind (and she's kind of right), you've already punished her.

The only thing you need to do right now is make her see that she cannot get rid of you. No matter what happened between you and her mother, she needs to know that you are hellbent on remaining her father, and until she's 18, she can't do a damn thing about it. Go to counseling together. Don't absolve her of responsibility, but don't absolve yourself, either. Own your part and hers, and insist until she's 18 and can file a restraining order that you be a part of her life. When she's old enough to think about it as an adult, she will remember that yes, you cheated on her mom, but you were there at every game, concert, play, milestone moment, you took her to dinner, you drove her to the mall, whatever, and she will see, no, you weren't perfect, but you loved her. And that will help her forgive you.

My dad was asked to move out when I was 25. He had done something I had thought unforgivable. I didn't think I was going to forgive him. But he was relentless even at that age about being my father. He showed up at my door to take me to dinner - and he was gracious when I told him to fuck off. He drove an hour once at 10:00 on a Wednesday to meet me in a parking lot to talk for two hours. He called me every Wednesday morning to remind me we had a counseling appointment that afternoon and asked if I needed a ride half an hour out of the way. My dad isn't perfect. But my God that man loves me. And eventually that became enough, and I now have a really solid relationship with him.

Remember that she did a shitty thing. But you did too. And remember that you love her, because she needs your love and forgiveness, not your punishment. You've punished each other enough.

The daughter emailed naked photos of someone around without their consent, and acquired them under false identity. As angry and hurt as she is, that seriously violates ethics and she needs to be taught whats wrong with that. It may even be sexual harassment. I don't think her father has any standing to be the one to punish her, but perhaps the other woman calling the cops and filing a complaint would be a reasonable punishment. It'll probably turn into something like community service, like the wife wants, since she's a minor.

Punishment?? Is this guy kidding? He completely shat all over his daughter by humiliating her in this way. She doesn't deserved to be punished. She deserves an apology and an explanation.

The whole Internet aspect of the affair (chat, pix, etc.) tells us how little of a brain FUBAR dad has.

His shifting the blame to his daughter, whose actions are very much in line with what we can expect of a teenager confronted with one of her parent's hypocrisy, shows us how little valour he has.

And he wants an authorization for punishing her? Hey, FUBAR dad, she's got you for a father, isn't that enough?

Since Dan asked...

The letter writer is an asshole from hell, his daughter's a fuckin' hero. He should shut up and start being a husband and father again so he won't have to "punish" his daughter for fixing his shitty, shitty behavior in the first place.

"My girlfriend is humiliated, our spouses are devastated." These are not your daughter's fault, but yours. Before even thinking about a punishment, you must take responsibility. Morally, you are like a murderer trying to explain why robbing is wrong.
Why are you so sure she deserve to be punished?
- she found your lies. As any son or daughter, and especially as a teenager, she felt betrayed as well. But this betrayal was also on your girlfriend's family. Even worse, apparently she know them. And it was on internet. All that plus anger, that really is not shocking she shared the information. You let her stumble on it: you don't have a right to be be angry because she didn't kept it a secret. Secrets can destroy families.
- She is the trigger, even though not responsible, for two exploding families, including her own. The obvious consequences of her actions makes punishment useless.

To ease the angry party of your mind, think about the guilt she has or eventually have. And now, try to make the situation better. Apology. Then send her away from you and your spouse: to her grand parents, family... That way you can all cool down, and she can get a chance to speak with someone else.

Leave any punishment to Mom - Dad's lost any credibility in this matter. Any punishment he dishes out will look like revenge-taking, and it may in fact be just that to some extent.

In addition to @117's valid points ...
I think it's almost impossible for any 15 year old to understand how cruel this was, but she needs to be made to understand that the way this was handled hurt a lot of innocent parties unnecessarily (i.e. FUBAR's wife, the girlfriend's husband, children, parents ...)

FUBAR's wife & the girlfriend's husband might have needed to see those naked photos, but nobody else did.

I only read about halfway down these comments, but from most of what I read Slog commenters are positively dripping with self-righteousness unbecoming serious adults. Is everyone on this site a 15 year-old girl who just discovered her dad's affair? Cut the guy a fucking break. He and his girlfriend didn't destroy two families, his cruel (seemingly barely human) daughter did. Yes he got careless, and that was his fault and he bares responsibility for it. But the person who blew everything up was the daughter. Community work? I'd send the little tart to boot camp.

When I found out my dad was having an affair at 21 from text messages on his phone, I was on a family vacation. Everything was right in my little world. And then I was just devastated.

I cried, I thought about calling her, I obsessively checked his phone and read all of their text messages until the end of the week. Was that wrong? Of course.

I kept it to myself for a year before confronting him. He denied it. Two years after that he left his Gmail open and my mom found and read all of their emails. They're divorcing now.

It has taken 5 years to come to terms with this, and I'm an adult. I hate to think what I would have done if a) I knew the woman personally b) there were pictures and c) I was 15.

Your daughter is suffering now, she will continue to suffer for a long time, and until you take responsibility for your actions you two will never repair your relationship.

I'm not reading the comments before I respond, so I apologize if I repeat anything anyone has said. You sir, are a douche. A royal fucking douche. One who displaces his guilt at his own fucked-up behavior onto his child. Grow the fuck up.

No, your daughter should not be punished. Due to the secrecy of your affair and the bombshell it has caused, you no doubt have raised her to believe firmly in monogamy and that infidelity is a serious sin. Well, reap what ye have sown, dickwad. Your carelessness and utter failure at honesty have brought her world crashing down around her ears - at least as far as her teenaged mind conceives it. Her own father is cheating on her mother and leaving proof of it right in front of her. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW AWFUL THAT WAS FOR HER? So she did what any kid would do in that utterly unbelievable situation - she lashed out. She'll live with the consequences of what she did and the consequences of your slimy behavior for the rest of her life. You do not get to inflict further punishment on her just because you don't like the fact that your chickens came home to roost. You knew discovery was a possibility - you just didn't expect it to be this humiliating. The hysterical part of this is that you appear to expect your adolescent daughter to behave with more maturity and responsibility than you have displayed. Not bloodly likely. Well, suck it up and be a dad, not the narcissistic shithead you have proven to be so far. Your child needs to be embraced right now, not shunted to the edge of your world while you lick your self-inflicted wounds.

Affairs happen. I understand that, and it doesn't get me all that worked up. I don't even consider infidelity a dealbreaker. However, as an adult, your first priority is to your child. And as an adult, you own your mistakes. You don't blame a child for the consequences of your ill-considered actions - especially when that child is traumatized, hurt, betrayed and terrified that the world as she knows it is ending.

Your daughter should be rewarded for exposing you for the self intitled scum bag you are.

And I thought we had the Greatest Assholes a couple of weeks back with the woman with a boyfriend whose wife was in the Army and returned home.

Anyway, Asshole Dad is in no position to punish anyone, since he's as wrong as his daughter was. Mom must talk to the daughter about privacy, ramifications of her actions, etc. but I can see WHY the daughter did it = she was scared and wanted to stop her home from falling apart (kids always think their parents will instantly split, so she took a preemptive strike).

Again, it's a case of bad and worse. I feel for the family of Asshole Girlfriend as well as for the wife and daughter. There's no comfort for them at all.

Your daughter is going to get all the punishment she can handle, in the form of watching her household go up in flames, the assets that were supposed to send her to college be divided and used to support two households in comparative poverty instead of one in comparative comfort, being forced to shuttle between Mom's House and Dad's House every week for the next two years, and being witness to all the other emotional and miscellaneous grief that she, in her adolescent cluelessness, brought crashing down in such spectacular fashion. (Yes, it was in all likelihood going to come crashing down eventually, but at least not explicitly as a result of her choices.)

In other words, she will be suffering more than enough as a result of this. Coming up with some sort of "disciplinary" punishment on top of everything else is simultaneously over-the-top and beside-the-point. Don't go there.

Force your daughter to accompany you to family counseling.

You both need it.

I guess I'm somewhere in the middle here. Yes, I think FUBARD's daughter behaved in an unbelievably cruel manner. Sending the pics to the woman's parents and kids crossed a line, especially since the daughter is likely close with the woman's kids herself. No matter how angry she was, she behaved in an unacceptable manner.

But she's 15, still young, and while she should have a developed enough sense of right and wrong to not lash out so nastily, I don't think it's too late for her to grow into a decent person. One incident, executed during an incredibly traumatic moment, does not a psychopath/sociopath make. FUBARD sounds angry enough that if his daughter behaving so cruelly was a common occurrence, he would have let loose during the letter and told. So I assume that this is the first time she ever behaved so badly - given the circumstances preceding the act, it doesn't seem like your daughter is a raging bitch on a daily basis. Just now, when her dad's girlfriend sent "him" a dirty message.

So right now, instead of raging at your daughter, I'd throw myself into making sure she grows up right. Meaning counseling is more important than isolating her at her grandma's.

Having you for a father is punishment enough.

there is no way that the daughter is not completely regretting her actions at this point. she must be mortified now that the reality of the situation has sunken in.

first, the dad is a moron and needs to grovel to the wife. then the daughter should apologize to her mom first and then dad for being a fucking thoughtless idiot. daughter should definitely apologize in person to the other family.

both marriages are over. why didn't he listen to dan and negotiate the situation with the wife in the first place?

Had the daughter blackmailed FUBARD for a few months with the info, then she'd have deserved punishment. Or a lobbyist position in DC. We're living in an age of overshare, and that's what kids today do.. they tell.

If the purpose of punishment is to teach, then maybe no further action is needed to show your daughter that deceit (whether it be snooping or an extramarital affair) brings nothing but grief.

My mom died last month, and in the process of sorting through her belongings I found proof of the affair I’d long suspected—since I was FUBARD’s daughter’s age, in fact.

My first reaction was definitely anger towards my mom. On the other hand, it’s none of my business. If my mom were alive, I would not expect an apology from her—she wasn’t married to me.

Parents are people, and people fuck up. 15 is as good an age as any to learn that your parents’ entire lives don’t revolve around you.

And then, basically what Painted Lady said.

I say that still thinking of my mother—whose untreated manic depression erupted into unpredictable violent rages and sank her into near-catatonic states, who eventually figured out she could self-medicate with lots and lots of alcohol (which was somewhat more peaceful but no less stressful).

Basically, she did a lot of shitty things while I was growing up. But she loved the hell out of my siblings and me, and when I think about her, that fierce determination to care for us overwhelms everything else.

Also, I don’t see how FUBARD's affair automatically makes him a terrible father and permanently ruins his daughter's future personal life. Did his actions somehow nullify her personal agency? It might take a while, but you eventually you can always decide how other people’s actions affect you—if you’re willing to take the responsibility.

It's too much to ask a teenager to handle such a revelation.

Had they been older, perhaps they might have thought through the consequences before sending the photos to the woman's family and friends.

And if they had been older, the might have figured out how to really fuck with her mind.

If they wanted to punish the woman -- and her alone -- they might have simply told her in the chat that her idiot "boyfriend" forgot to log off, and that they now knew about the affair, without identifying their identities.

The daughter's been punished enough. Wow. I can't believe punishing her is even on the dad's radar screen. Doesn't he have other things to worry about?

I have no problems at all with what FUBARD did. That daughter is an evil bitch. I really don't understand all the battle cries about how the daughter is ruined. She was dishonest and manipulative enough to impersonate her father and bring the fallout of the affair crashing down on two families. She's hardly an innocent little girl. She deserves to be punished.

OK, speaking as a male rape "survivor" (when I was 10 to boot) are you others who claim this shit is as bad or almost as bad that stupid? I mean come on, having consensual sex with someone other then your wife is almost as bad as rape? I say let the little harlot deal with the POLICE, report her stupid ass for violating privacy, impersonating others with malicious intent, distributing pornography to children, child endangerment, "sexting", contributing to the delinquency of a minor, accessing pornographic material, etc. She did all of the above-- acting in a CRIMINAL MANNER.

Okay...

While the hormones of 15 are a commonality, as a 40-something, I am wondering how anyone over the age of 30 or so can begin to compare our adolescence to a 15 year old today. Even with the most vigilant of parents, my god, they have access to so much. Like their parents' Gmail accounts - I can't imagine how I could have stumbled across evidence of a cheating parent in the 1980's.

Today's adolescents don't have much in common with the way we grew up in many, many respects. One thing they all seem to do is - by default - share everything with everyone. Sure, there was a gossip-train in high school in my day, but nothing with the depth and breadth that's present today. They do not understand that discretion can be a virtue.

I have a temper and a half, and I'm pretty sure that if I found out one of my parents had been having an affair at that age, I would have simply told the other parent. Not the other spouse. Not the other kids. Not mutual friends. The daughter needs to understand that that level of cruelty has real-life implications - life is not an episode of Gossip Girl. Not everything has to be shared with everyone in your address book.

I'm sure it felt good to the daughter, but she hurt other people. Not abstractly, either. She's entitled to be hurt and angry at her father - but that does not mean she gets to hurt other people.

Both the daughter and the best friend need to be punished - not severely, but purposefully. And it needs to be made clear they are being punished for the breadth of their cruelty, not for exposing the affair.

I'd say at the very least, they need to apologize face-to-face to the other kids and the mutual friends for involving them in the personal problems of the two marriages. CPOS's may not deserve the dignity, but the spouses sure as hell did. The kids shouldn't have been involved at all.

I would also say these girls need to do some volunteer work. A cheating father sucks - but there are worse things in the world. A sense of scale needs to be instilled, and a sense of discretion and kindness, even in the face of horrible shit.

But yes - the father is in no place to issue the punishment. I would recommend that not only the mother set up punishment, but the father from the other marriage. If the girl felt she was adult enough to send the photos to this man and his kids, then she should face the adult consequences of hurting two separate families in one e-mail.

The daughter is 15. Do any of you recall how traumatic that age was? I was contemplating suicide on a daily basis at that point. And I sure as hell didn't know much about how relationships between adults functioned. She's not a bitch - she's a confused kid who did something rash after discovering what must have seemed like a massive betrayal. She will have to live with what happened and the burden of possibly being the catalyst for two families imploding - though the blame for that really lies with the two participants in the affair.

And what she did was NOT that bad. She exposed an affair that was going to get exposed anyway. The way she did it was pretty damn horrible, but the facts would have come out less dramatically sooner or later. There really was no nice ending for this scenario - with daddy dearest leaving porn pics of his girlfriend on his computer screen, he was obviously getting careless.

Really, how many of you at 15 - full of self-righteousness, immaturity, brashness and insecurity, and as deficient in empathy and foresight as the rest of your peers - would have had the presence of mind to close the pictures and forget they existed. Or to confront your own father in a polite and mature manner? C'mon - raise your hands now.

This guy is a stupid ass. Who carries on an affair on a FAMILY COMPUTER? He knew what the possible consequences of his actions were. Rather than address the issues with his wife, bring his desires out into the open and try to find an accord, he went behind the backs of his family to get his rocks off. NOT the end of the world. But you don't turn on your daughter when your own stupid actions bite you in the ass.

I think FUBAR should set an example for his daughter and apologize to those he's hurt (including his daughter). I think she should also be asked to think about her spiteful choices and apologize sincerely at very least to the parents, children and spouse of the girlfriend. It might also be appropriate for both of them to take a nice long break from the Internet and spend some time learning how to communicate authentically and appropriately as a family.
FUBAR's plan to send his daughter to be with her grandmother as a punishment is just another little glimpse into the kind of asshole that he is. His daughter is going to respect him just as much as he respects his mother: being with him can be punishment for her kids...

Ugh. I hate humans.

I think they should all go on Maury and work this out.

The daughter is a vicious little bitch, who is no doubt busy blaming everyone else in the universe for what her weaselly actions triggered. Veda Pierce has nothing on her...

In my experience, decent teenagers become decent adults, and thoughtless kids stay thoughtless. I don't think they've all read the scientific literature that excuses them from all responsibility.

Sounds more a case of the apple not falling far from the tree. Father and daughter were both completely careless and self-absorbed in their actions. Punishment doesn't fix character flaws, so why bother. Neither does therapy but it may at least help her be a functioning adult someday

Has anyone considered that this whole letter to Dan is a fake? Doesn't it seem oh-so-convenient that this supposed adulterer was undone by some a couple of 15 year-old girls who just so happened to "accidentally" intercept Dad's on-line tryst action, and sought out their revenge? This letter is about as real as anything you would read in Penthouse. Sorry, this never happened, and the author of this letter should be punished for writing something so juvenile.

If this letter is for real, my advice to FubarDad is to suck it up and pay any price for being so stupid. Oh...and learn how to use the "log off" feature in Gmail.

@144 - JrzWorld:

I wouldn't have been able to face my father politely. And I sure as hell wouldn't have closed the chat and forgot about it. I admit I might have tried to suss out who the CPOS on the other side of the chat was.

But I wouldn't have sent the images to the kids of the CPOS, the parents of the CPOS, or mutual friends. As bad as my temper may be, I have never been that mean.

If this girl had just sent the images to the husband? I would have said "brava." But she didn't.

I just would have found my mother and let her kick my father's ass.

You don't owe the daughter any punishment, but you definitely need to explain your side of things to her.

Tell her the truth - you and her mom are sexually incompatible, sex is very important to you, yet you didn't want to break up the family over it.

My God. What is wrong with some of you people? You assholes calling this poor 15 year old girl a bitch, let alone a fucking bitch or evil bitch, need to have your teeth kicked in.

No punishment for her. No punishment. The consequences will occur naturally. The best thing for this girl is counseling to help her deal with her disintegrating family and stolen life, which may include as a part helping her understand that she released this damning information one circle too wide (to the kids in the other family), and increased their pain, and may lead to her apologizing to those kids for doing so.

As for unrepentant narcissistic dad:

Fuck off, you fucking prick! if anyone is leaving that house, it is you. If anyone deserves to be punished, it's you. What punishment are you placing upon yourself, good sir? And don't give me any crap about losing your life and your family and all the other natural consequences of your actions. Everyone else involved has to suffer those consequences too, and they are innocent. You are not.

You want to punish your daughter? What a rotten sick bastard you are.

You're the CPOS. Accept it. Now man up and get to fixing this mess that you made.

All of you wretched people who say that what FUBARD did completely negates anything his daughter did in response: you can go to hell. Yes, Dad has hurt his family, that's a given. I don't think he's ruined his daughter's chances at having a relationship with a man ever. Quite frankly, the ship has already sailed for that little sociopath and her equally distressing BFF.

Yes, send her to the grandparents for the summer. I hope they live in North Dakota. Dad's actions in no way excuse his daughter's. Also, take away her internet connection and her cell phone, and let her know that she can have them back when she's learned a shred of empathy. That's where the social work can come in.

Dad wasn't trying to be cruel to his wife. Neither was the friend he was having the affair with. They were trying to get their needs met when they couldn't get it within their respective marriages. It's a shame he screwed up and didn't sign out of his email account - all of them would have gone on in blissful unawareness. But are you surprised? You shouldn't be. Older people do this kind of thing all the time. Young people too.

What his daughter and her friend did was a cruel and calculated move to hurt the maximum number of people possible. People in their family, people they probably knew very well in the other family, since the parents were all good friends. No one would have had to have seen that if not for the daughter's selfish and disturbing behavior. Daughter could have quietly told Mom, or angrily confronted Dad.

I've never cheated on anyone in my life, and I am sure I would be devastated if someone cheated on me. But the daughter's actions are worse, and I would absolutely punish her severely.

Fubard, if you love your wife, offer to stay and work on the relationship. If it's truly and irreconcilably broken, then walk away. Make sure your wife gets custody of that awful daughter. Tell her the price of her behavior is any kind of relationship with you, at least in the short term. (Remind her that the moment she lashed out at every undeserving member of both families not yourself or the friend/lover, the cost was deducted.) Maybe she won't care. But maybe someday she'll realize how badly she screwed up, and she'll feel some remorse. Hopefully she already does. If not, no cell phone or internet connection and a summer in North Dakota (away from the evil friend) will help fix whatever is wrong in her head.

I'd also tell her sociopaths pay their own way through college, IMO. This kid needs to be dealt with severely before she becomes any more broken than she already is.

The rest of you saying the daughter doesn't deserve punishment? Seriously. You deserve ten lashes yourself, before you slap this man around.

I'm with Freud; there are no accidents, and FUBAR did not "forget" to log out of his Gmail account -- there were deeper motives -- self-hatred, tired of his marriage, tired of the game -- at work, and if he were really a man, instead of taking it out on his daughter, he would cop to this.

As for the daughter, can't anybody conceive of the degree of shock, disgust, and betrayal that girl must have felt in that moment when she discovered her father's infidelity in the most lewd way imaginable? And she is 15 -- was she suddenly supposed to become Dr. Joyce Brothers and react in a "mature" manner? The father's lack of empathy and compassion for his daughter is consistent with his overall assholish selfishness and disregard for others -- you know this guy was one of those spoiled punks in high school who always acted as if everything was entitled to him.

Holy shit the girl is ONLY FUCKING FIFTEEN, was confronted with information that absolutely devastated her, OF COURSE SHE WAS GOING TO MAKE A RASH DECISION AND LASH OUT IN HER ANGER. GOOD FUCKING GOD. This isn't the time to hold her up to high moral standards and ground her!

The only thing her CPOS dad should do is pay for her to go to a counsellor, AKA a NEUTRAL THIRD PARTY, who will be in a better position to help the poor girl unpack how her actions were morally unwise. Do not punish her with grounding or forbidding her from seeing her friend or any of that nonsense (she'll just see it as you taking your anger at being found out on her) or try to give her the morality talk yourself, because she'll just think you're spouting bullshit at her and tune it out. LET A NEUTRAL THIRD PARTY HANDLE TEACHING HER THAT HER ACTIONS CROSSED A LINE FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

I will admit that I have no sympathy for FUBAR. I'm not all that much older than his daughter (21) and in the last few years many of my friends have been really emotionally hurt by their parents handling extra-marital affairs and divorces very, very badly. And yes, those teens frequently lashed out and became angry and their parents. And you know what? The parents--ESPECIALLY the cheaters--never, ever took responsibility for their actions or acknowledged that their children had a right to be upset at them for initiating a divorce or cheating. Instead they punished their children, directly (like grounding) or indirectly (withholding child support) for being upset.

And you know fucking what? All those kids no longer want anything to do with that parent, which is totally fucking understandable. Don't be that asshole FUBAR.

Irony: muffinprincess castigating this girl for not having a shred of empathy.

@60 has a good point. If the "girlfriend" is a "close family friend" then maybe the children are all close friends as well??? They clearly are at least teens themselves so maybe she just wanted to fuck their lives up too.

Definitely NOT right, but understandable for a 15 year old. They aren't really clear about internet and privacy. Believe me, my students post everything on facebook…it's a different generation.

FUBAR Dad, you fucked up man, but that was the risk you took. So accept YOUR consequences. You have no integrity in the daughter's eyes, so don't say shit. Give her her space and move out. This is your opportunity to get out of the marriage. Don't stay because you feel guilty, damage has already been done. Let your wife find a more compatible partner. Good luck on trying to financially take care of two households.

For those of you equating this to rape, um, let's hold off on the comparisons. Not all rape is the same, so let's not make blanket statements.

Wait, wait, wait, let me get this straight. Your 15-year-old daughter's life has just been shredded to bits, and you're asking about an *additional* punishment?!?!? Unfortunately, I still harbor memories of being a 15-year-old girl, and let me just say those are rough emotional times, even with solid parents. Also unfortunately, I harbor memories of finding, through an email account accidentally left open, evidence of my own father's infidelity (minus the racy pictures, thank god). This turned my life upside-down and left me devastated, and it happened at the relatively emotionally stable and hormone-free age of 26. All I can say is, STFU and try to understand even a sliver of what your daughter is going through right now. She's already being punished every f-ing waking minute for what she found on that computer, and EVERY SINGLE relationship she's in for the rest of her long life, she will be thinking of you and your a-hole behavior. So LEAVE. HER. ALONE. Stop trying to take your anger and guilt out on the person that exposed your childish behavior, and leave any and all parenting decisions up to your wife for the time being. Good grief.

And yes, to counteract all the posters who say she's a "sociopath" and should be punished, as adults we can all see that her behavior was inappropriate and hurtful, but she's FIFTEEN. Her frontal lobe is 10 years away from maturity, 10 years away from being able to fully inhibit impulsive behavior. You, as an adult male, though an albeit immature one, are totally and completely unable to understand what a 15-year-old girl's brain is like. She found the emails, she was enraged, embarrassed, upset, defensive of her mom, and she reacted. What she's going through is punishment enough. Leave her alone.

What #56 said is perfect. Hopefully in the presence of a mediator or therapist.

@157 LOL

An eye for an eye? Two wrongs make a right. No!
The dad obviously made a decision that he knew would be life altering if he were caught. He will receive his punishment by watching his life crumble. You play you pay! The daughter made a decision to avenge the dads mistake on someone other than the dad. I think she needs to be punished so she knows that cruelty and revenge isn't acceptable. Clarify and punish because this could be the same 15 year old who gets mad at someone at school and decides to be cruel and hateful on the Internet about the other person. Umm.. That's called bullying or harassment. Yes the dads actions were morally unsound but he's still the parent! Yes the mom should take the lead but to say he gave up his rights is ridiculous. He violated a vow to his wife not children. He very well could be a great dad and he wasn't harming his children.. Yes the daughter may be traumatized but that's when as a parent you provide your kids with the opportunity to grow, learn and heal. Kids don't need to understand every adult situation.
Geez.. There are consquences to every action!
Remember before you tell this guy he's a scum bag or other.. WE ARE ALL HUMANS!

WTF is wrong with some people? Yes, the way she acted was wrong and she need to understand it. That doesn't make here anything more than a insensitive teen, not a sociopath. Being hurt tend to make people insensitive.
In five years, nobody will care about the photos and the destroyed families will still be destroyed, by the two CPOS. There is a reason they are called pieces of shit. They built their lives, the ones of their spouses and kids on a commitment he made. He then betrayed again and again this commitment rather than communicating with his wife. This affair obviously wasn't just a problem of sexual incompatibility: the need to keep the communication, to exchange pictures... He obviously took great pleasure in the lies themselves, used the family computer for his dirty affair, show no remorse for what he did and is even proud of himself: "We're committed to staying in our marriages" So yeah, it kind of negate the daughter's actions by comparison. Why does he even read/listen Dan??

NO PUNISHMENT would make any sense given by the parents of the girl. What she need is to talk. (@156)

@49 has it right (and beautifully expressed), I think. That's how my folks raised me, too: consequences, not punishments. I'm sure the daughter has been going through plenty of soul-searching, pain, and self-doubt as she absorbs the consequences of this series of events in the suffering of those around her. Right and wrong ain't so simple. We cope with consequences and we learn from them. Punishments, on the other hand, carry all the wrong lessons.

@76 Keshmeshi - good point. I suppose the girlfriend may need to make amends to his family once the dust has settled and everyone is less emotional.

In general, impersonating someone else on email and spilling the secrets found within is wrong. However, finding out that one's own dad is having an affair is a big deal. The daughter may have felt--correctly--that a big response to said big deal was appropriate. Her actions are completely understandable.

If she is to be punished, it should not be for outing the affair but for doing so without speaking to her mother and father first so that either of them could suggest some less impulsive way of handling the situation. Please note the "if." I doubt that the young lady is now under the impression that outing people over the Internet doesn't have big, negative consequences. Unless she's peacocking around the house looking for ways to find and out more people with dirty little secrets, let's assume her lesson is learned.

A righteous apology consists of three parts:
1. What you did. Just put it right out there.
2. What was wrong about it. People hate doing this part, which is why it's so important to do.
3. What steps you will take to right the wrongs.
Once you have apologized, preferably in front of both your wife and daughter (and preferably a therapist), then it's time to talk about consequences. What are the consequences YOU will accept for your actions? At that point it's important to invite your daughter to speak, uninterrupted by you, until she is done speaking. Listen. Write down what she's saying so you are quite sure that you hear what she's said. Invite your wife to speak, and do the same thing. Explain that you accept what they have said, and that you now want your wife to speak to your daughter about her (your daughter's) actions and their consequences.

Also, WTF is up with all you people calling the daughter a sociopath? Do you not remember being in high school? I definitely remember at her age, if you were pissed with someone, THE way to get back at them was to make sure everybody knew about the transgressions they committed by telling everyone and getting the rumor mill started. Yes that kind of behavior isn't terribly mature, empathetic or rational, but the process made sense because you were both warning everyone about how so-and-so was an asshole and getting so-and-so punished through social ostracizing. I still know plenty of people in their early twenties who call out cheating exes and shitty roommates over Facebook.

It isn't the nicest behavior, but she's not crazy or a sociopath, she probably thought she was doing a decent thing by letting everyone who could have been effected by their lying know. Not. Evil. Not. A. Bitch. Not. A. Sociopath.

Someone missed the fundamental life lesson - don't shit where you eat/sleep. After getting caught with your pants down your daughter is not the bad guy here. Focus where your priorities should be - cheating fucktards stay the hell away from each other and focus on your own families and see if there's enough left there to get into family counseling. Punishing the daughter because you got caught just places another nail in the coffin of what was your family ties.

I'm not going to judge the infidelity, because there are many cases where I would find it morally justifiable. We don't have those details.

Talk to your daughter about the very real possibility that you and mom had an open relationship. Married adults do this often enough, but it's none of their kids' business. What if that had been the case? Also, she has no legal right to send nude pictures of a third party to ANYBODY. EVER. This behavior is so wrong as to be sociopathic, and she needs some serious boundaries counseling.

I do not think she would have sent out the pictures if her friend hadn't been with her at the time, though. She more likely would have confronted her mom or you with the information. But teen girls in groups are capable of doing heinous things that they'd never do on their own. This constitutes grounds for removing either the friend's access to your home, or your daughter's access to email. Or both. "Grounding," in the sense that she is no longer allowed to have friends over/access to internet/texting until family counseling begins, sounds reasonable.

But you've lost any credence you had as disciplinarian, so let your wife hand out the punishment.

There are about 150 comments before mine, and only 7 have any sense in them. so i'll summarize.

Counseling, duh.
The daughter is a 15 year old girl, and should be punished, yes punished, for being a 15 year old girl who invaded someone else's privacy, and sent naked pictures of a woman to the woman's children. No Internet or cell phone for a month or two sounds good. And that obviously should come from the mother.

Dad needs to back the fuck off, after begging forgiveness from two families, and Daughter needs to learn a lesson in maturity. If not at fifteen, when?

May I blame Dr (Regina) Barreca for the daughter's reaction? The moment I heard her celebrating illegal female revenge against badly behaving men, I knew instinctively that it would lead to this sort of thing.

It might help to know which of the two (if not both) is the Mean Girl and if either is the Reluctant Go-Along who either genuinely feels conflicted about Mean Girl behaviour or else pretends to herself about or "justifies" it in order to convince herself she's still really a Nice Girl. It feels as if their reaction could have come directly from one of those made-for-Lifetime stories. It might also help for someone relatively clear-headed to discuss what happened with the friend's parents.

My original thought for a creative "punishment" was to send the daughter to some sort of juvenile FBI training camp (if such a thing exists and she qualifies) for the summer. One other poster mentioned the FBI, I noticed. A newer idea came to me to have the daughter watch an annoying movie (made-for-Lifetime?) on a regular basis and be obliged to write an essay on a set question, dealing if possible with something similar to her handling of the incident. Even if it doesn't improve her character, it ought to help her writing skills.

As for the LW, I shall content myself with commenting that his choice of playmate really upped the ante, and, entirely fairly or otherwise, upping the ante means upping the consequences one accepts if/when it blows up.

Therapy. Lots of therapy.

A 15yo girl is a drama seeking force to behold. What's wrong and right is blurred by what actions will get the most attention. Add another girl, any other girl to the mix and you get emails to the whole family. It's hard to punish that. But what should be taught is the impact on the other family, because I'm sure she'll see it in her's. Some one else cited the right thing vs the right way to handle a situation. That's what the lesson here is.

Dad fucked up, it's true. And if he never did anything to give her supreme daddy issues before, he has now. Parents, keep your kids OUT of your sex life.

Oh, and he should only move out if that is the mother's request.

I am absolutely shocked by the number of people who consider the daughter's actions understandable. When I was 15, I also discovered a parent's affair with a family friend, and I felt totally shocked and betrayed and spun by it.

And what did I do? Absolutely nothing. IIRC, I don't think I even mentioned it to any friends until college. Why did I tell no one? Because, though I couldn't grasp the nuances behind my parents actions, I was plenty old enough to see that the nuances were there, and that it wasn't my place to appoint myself the morality police.

This was 15 years ago, and looking back I can better see the extreme rough patch their marriage was having & how they were struggling through it. For the last 10 or 11 years they have been happier then I've ever seen them. I am extremely grateful I had the sense as a teenager to leave the situation alone rather then pour gasoline all over it.

As for this situation: daughter sounds like a budding sociopath. Though the seemingly awful parenting of her father is surely to blame to some degree, it doesn't let her off the hook, just like we don't excuse a victim of child molestation who grows up to molest others. I'm not sure exactly what punishment is appropriate, but it should be extremely harsh and severe.

Hard ass response to FUBAR D. You are too stupid and careless to ever have had an affair.

You are a FCPOS who forfeited any right to privacy when you chose to betray your wife and family by having an affair. It is irrelevant whether either of you was committed to staying in your marriages, your spouses are and were the only ones that had/have the right to decide whether they want to remain in your marriages. At this point, what either you want or think does not matter. You lied to and deceived you spouses, children, and extended families. You are now trying to escape responsibility for the disaster you have created by blaming your daughter. How did you think she would react. You have destroyed her world and she has every right to hate/loath/detest both of you. If I were your spouse and I found out in the same way as your daughter, I would have responded similarly only I would've included your employers and everyone else in your address books, posted it on your facebook pages (after changing your passwords) and every other social networking site you belong to, craigslist, and various adult dating sites. In other words, scorched earth.

I'm sure everything that could be said on this subject has been said, but I don't have time to read through 170 comments before bedtime (East Coaster here). Nonetheless, I'm saying this anyway: are you freaking kidding me, Dad? You want to send her to live with her grandparents for the summer? That doesn't sound like punishment to me as much as it sounds like an easy way for you to get rid of your daughter for the summer while you figure things out with your wife and/or girlfriend. Dude, come on. Now is not the time to be a disciplinarian. Your daughter is unfortunately going to have to deal with the consequences of her actions, and the consequences of your actions, for a very long time. That is more than enough "punishment." Not to mention if you legitimately do want to try and save your marriage/family, you're doing yourself no favors by throwing the book at your daughter.

Also, while I think the WAY she did it was wrong, I don't think that it was wrong of the daughter to make the affair known. The last thing Dad said before asking if his daughter should be punished is "our marriages might be over." Seems he wants to push at least SOME of the blame for that onto his daughter. Sorry Dad. That's on you, regardless of how the affair came to light.

(PS - This is coming from the daughter of a man who had an affair with his wife's best friend for most of her childhood. My sister found about it, told my mom, and my mom didn't believe her. Fast forward 15 years and my sister has spent the majority of her life on drugs and in prison. My younger brother, who also knew about the affair but didn't understand it because he was too young, is an alcoholic. I'm not saying that my dad is responsible for their life choices, as I'm a firm believer that we make our own beds to lie in. However, I'm still glad that I was naive and never caught on, because I turned out relatively normal. For what it's worth, Dad, I did fully forgive my father for the affair and his part in my parent's divorce. I'm never going to be as close to him as I am my mom, but we do have a decent relationship. It took time to rebuild, but we get along now and I'm able to have solid relationships with men, I don't always think I'm going to be cheated on, etc. So, here's hoping that your daughter will be okay. Someday.)

Right now FUBAR should be more concerned that his daughter is at risk of running away and/or becoming a substance abuser.

Guilt will be far more effective than punishment in this case. The daughter needs to understand that she embarrassed and humiliated several people and possibly ruined two marriages as a result of HER actions. Yes the dad was having an affair. Whether or not she had the so-called "right" to out them can be argued either way. But she needs to understand that doing so, especially in the manner she did by sending explicit photos around, had consequences that were only caused by her not others.

Once she understands this, the guilt should be way worse than taking away her Nintendo or some other such teenage punishment.

I'll also add that while her reaction to the discovery belies her teenage immaturity, honestly what a little bitch she is!

First off, I'll admit that I haven't read every single comment, so if this point has been made previously, I apologize.

I'm struck by the number of people commenting that "she's only 15, underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex and lashing out and ANGER and RAGE and blah de blah blah". Guys, it's not like she ran across these photos and just hit "reply all" in a heated moment. She sat down (with a friend! - yay for female bonding!) and coolly and calmly devised a plot to impersonate her father and entrap the girlfriend before spreading it around to everybody she could possibly think of. I'm in agreement with @140 - what she did was clearly illegal.

At the very least, she needs therapy pronto, and to really drive home the severity of her actions, a nice little chat with a cop or lawyer. Then apologies to everyone that she sent her little poison-pen email to. Direct, face-to-face apologies. I will agree that any potential punishment, or "consequences" should not come from her father. There is no way she's going to take anything he says seriously at this point. And probably not for quite a few years, either.

Oh, and FUBARD, you're a fucking idiot. Own it, and take responsibility for YOUR stupidity. Don't try to push the blame for this snafu onto your 15 year-old's shoulders.

I'm pissed that I read this letter during my break from studying because now I'm heated! This CPOS father reminds me of my own who had an affair with my mom's bestfriend from the time I was 8 to 13 and probably longer. Except that my father had the presence of mind to fall back from being the authoritative prick he could have been and tried to apologize for his behavior. Anyone think that this 15 year old girl has little moral compass because her father was busy hiding this consuming affair, her parents were most likely fighting or having a shitty relationships and she was probably lost in all of this? Get her Into therapy soon. The CPOS seems to be a narcissist at best and a sociopath at worst. Cheating when children are involved, especially with a family friend is a rotten thing to do and having an insensitive, uncaring father like him is punishment enough. It took a long time for me to realize I picked unavailable, emotionally distant men like my father and hopefully with some help she wont experience
The same

Count me among the people who don't get the idea of this being "cruel." I see it as an ill-considered reaction in the midst of an emotional freak-out.

That said, however, the daughter needs to understand exactly where and how she crossed the line. Notifying the involved parties is appropriate, within reason. She went way, way beyond the involved parties.

The other family's children don't count as involved parties. Of course they aren't. Not in the sexual dealings of their parents, they most certainly aren't. My children aren't involved parties concerning my sexual dealings with my wife, their own mother. What their parents do sexually isn't, and shouldn't be, their business at all. As far as they are concerned, it should stay strictly behind closed doors, no exceptions. Sending those children sexual pictures of any sort -- let alone pictures of their Mom, for gods' sake -- constitutes a gross violation of their childhood.

Notifying a bunch of mutual friends was vastly beyond the pale. Clearly she wanted to punish Dad by publicly humiliating him for daring to have a secret life. However, once that starts, it's out of her control. If dad loses his job because word gets out to his boss who's a blue-nosed conservative, and the family ends up forfeiting their home, yes, that can be traced directly back to the daughter being obnoxiously indiscreet.

Both families are going to be subjected to all manner of societal blowback from her broadcasting this. Some of it is going to fall on the daughter herself.

The only people who rightly should have been notified were her own mother, and the girlfriend's husband. Well, and the two cheaters, to let them know they'd been busted.

Right now FUBAR and his girlfriend have absolutely no credibility with their spouses, children, or family. They have lied to and deceived all of them, assuming none of them knew about it already. Credibility is always the first casualty when caught cheating. It is going to take a very long time to rebuild that credibility. The first step is to permanently sever all contact with the girlfriend (as if that is going to happen). Right now neither his wife or daughter are going to believe anything he says. He has destroyed whatever parental authority he had. For him to chastize his daughter for flagrent lack of respect for the basic humanity of others is so beyond hypocritcal that he has to be delusional. What does he think he and his girlfriend have been doing those three years if not showing flagrent lack of respect for the basic humanity of their spouses and children.

Nearly half of these comments are worthless, as they have no reading comprehension whatsoever. Paragraph four clearly states, "stick to the subject at hand." I got tired of counting, so @1,2,4,5,6,7,9,11,12,14,17,24,26,28,29,30,39,ScreenName,45,53,54,55,59,65,68,
69,74,75,78,91,95,97,100,102,107... plus 178 & 179 (who are right my comments field. I don't bother w/ the unregistered commenters):
Your opinions count for nothing, because you misunderstood the question, being far too eager to lash out in judgment. The lw & his family are hurting, and you offer nothing but anger and accusation. Nice going.

First off, Fubar'd, you & your wife are responsible for the vast majority of your daughter's personality. Whatever she used to base her decisions on, most of it came from you. That's not said to blame you, but to help you in understanding your daughter & why she chose to do what she did.

This sort of thing is beyond punishment. It has irrevocably changed the lives of your families & friends to such a degree that your life before this will seem like fairy tale. Your old life is gone, it won't come back. Enjoy the memories. Everyone is reeling, and any 'punishment' will cause further confusion, anger, hurt.

It is quite likely that your daughter no longer trusts you. Sit her down and in as calm a manner as you can, tell her basically what you wrote in the letter. End it with, "...and that is why I can no longer trust you. It may be possible in the future we may learn to trust each other. But that will only be the result of both of us working on it. I'm willing to do so, but I can't do it alone. You will have to do your part as well." How she reacts will determine what you should do.

This is all operating under the assumption that you want to be a part of her life. If not, disown her now, leave the family, start a new life somewhere else.

I have to say that so far I find 141 to be the clearest voice of reason on either side- Taking into account the mindset of a 15 year old in 2011 while still not giving her a pass for hurting innocent bystanders. Well done.

Well said, 141. I concur.

..consider yourself lucky she didn't burn down the house...
...with all y'all in it...

..oh..i almost forgot.. he also wants to punish her by banning all contact between her and her best friend. who is perhaps the only person who understands exactly how she feels. the ONLY person she trusts.
..wow...

What's the one thing we know about FUBARD? With his 3-year affair with a Family Friend (wink wink), he is a 1st class liar. For all we know, his daughter did it on accident, or she tried to send it to the girlfriend & posted it to all. Or FUBARD did it himself; after all, he doesn't understand even the most basic computer functions. And now he's trying to blame his daughter, kinda like now when his affair is his wife's and his girlfriend's husband's fault.

Punish her? Now that she's traumatized and needs her friends (the people she still may ba able to trust)? Gimme a break, fucktard. I mean, FUBARD. SHE didn't destroy any lives. You did.

It's a complete mess. I actually agree with the father that his daughter went way out of bounds (informing spouses is one thing, going on to the kids is quite another), but... he's not the one to do anything about it.

And in all honesty, the way all of this is going to go down -- daughter is in the middle of this. She's hardly getting off "free" -- her entire family and friends, etc are toast. At some point she's going to realize she could have handled it differently.

I'd say it's all in the wife's hands at this point -- any punishment due to the daughter, whether he moves out or not, etc.

Actually apart from anything else, I'd pony up for therapy for the daughter. She's going to have significant dad & trust issues.

And finally: Wow. Just wow. Dude, second gmail account you access ONLY from your cellphone, which times out & locks after a minute. Although at this point, your wife can & should demand complete access to your cellphone and sundries for a while -- if she doesn't kick you to the curb.

I'm sure everything that ought to be said already has been said, but here are a few points anyway:

* Why the hell are you all worried about how to "punish" your daughter? Right now, you ought to be relating to her not as a parent who possesses some kind of moral high ground, but as a human being who has hurt her BADLY through your actions, and has been badly hurt in return. Open up and talk to her about why what she did was fucked up, sure, but do not lash out at her. The ideas of sending her away to live with her grandparents, or banning her from seeing her best friend, both sound like your narcissistic revenge fantasies. Grow the fuck up.

*Family therapy would be really, really good here. You've lost your moral authority, your wife is horribly hurt by the situation, and your daughters overreacted in a major way. Go see a trained professional who can act as a neutral party.

*Also, at 15, kids can be really invested in the idea that their parents have a "perfect" relationship, and they don't understand the complexities of adult sexuality at all. When I was 15, I found some of my dad's porn on the computer desktop, and even that tiny glimpse into a sex life that didn't involve my mom was really, really confusing and disturbing to me. No I didn't inform anyone else, but it was a bad experience that it took me a while to get over. Now, please imagine what you just did to your daughter with your sloppy-ass cheating. It will take her YEARS to forgive you for what you did.

*If you really want to help her understand the enormity of what she's done just have her call and apologize to everyone who saw the photos. Having to listen to their reaction should do it, imo.

I am sorry guys the LW is a total asshole.

I may be approaching it from a completely different POV because I think cheating is very rarely, and I mean, VERY rarely acceptable. I am not sure if the LW had an arrangement with his wife but it doesn't seem like it-- this seems to be a case of straight up cheating.

What really strikes me here is that he doesn't seem to have ANY empathy for his 15 year old daughter whose life he turned upside down with his greediness and stupidity. What a jerk-- yes, she should be told that what she did is wrong but the LW is not reacting like a concerned father here, he just wants to get back at her for founding out about his deception.

And, yes, kids should be kept out of their parent's sex lives but let's not pretend that the state of their parent's marriage, which very often involves sex lives, is unimportant to their well-being. Children notice more than anyone thinks.

She's 15. She found out her father's cheating on her mother with a close family friend she probably considered a sort of auntie. She handled it badly. Shocker.

The girl's whole family is in shambles. She's already suffering way more from what he did than she deserves for what she did.

She's punished enough.