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800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
800 Maynard Ave S, Suite 200, Seattle, WA 98134
And the eye contact thing? Pure hubris.
Maybe you want to talk to a therapist about your insecurities. I would (again) guess you are bi-able, which is fine. Why do you go out of your way to potentially make others miserable? Gay, hetero, or bi, a man should be able to understand boundaries. Maybe you are poly as well, I have never had that inclination. One thing I have had experience with was being hypersexualized at a young age (5-6) by a girl, my age, that knew too much about putting things into her vagina. (This is all based upon a lot of conjecture and retrospection, so I will never know more than impressions.) Finding someone you trust to help you sort things out never hurts. Work towards being comfortable in your own skin and a lot of dross can fall by the wayside.
Peace.
Did I miss anything?
:V
:|
:V
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:V
*B*Z*A*W*P*
WRONG ANSWER.
You aren't aiming to "make a deep connection". How on earth could you when your primary goal is flirting or goading. When you're shallow and superficial. And self-absorbed. And, yes, Dan nailed it: narcissistic. Because everything's about you, isn't it, precious? You want to stop drama in your life, then stop manufacturing it. Immediately. Start to act like a responsible human being, rather than a douchebag, all fluttering eyelashes and other insincere and misleading mannerisms.
Just. Grow. Up.
I have actually encountered (and to some extent been the victim of) a DARE or two in my life...and quite frankly...I'm tired of it/them/whatever.
I bet he's pretty like James Maslow, though!
Whole lot of internal issues to unpack here. Dan hit it exactly right. A narcissistic drama queen disguised as ingenue who could benefit from some therapy, since be cannot overcome the subjectiveness of his introspection to see what he's doing. He's a 1 or 2 on the Kinsey scale, a 9 or 10 on the attractiveness scale, and may be an example of the egocentrism and stunted social-moral development one sometimes sees in the drop dead gorgeous who aren't held to the same standard of conduct as average to merely goodlooking among us.
::groans and slides away::
Some people just want to watch the world get a boner.
Uh, OK.
I guess you're one of those dull, dogmatic ideologues who insists there's no interesting ambiguity in what "BDSM" might stand for, then.
... Right?
B/D : Bondage & Discipline
D/s: Dominance & Submission
S/M: Sadism & Masochism
So, actually, yes - sadism CAN be a part of BDSM. It doesn't have to be. You get to pick which aspect(s) of BDSM you're interested it.
peeps of any gender/orientation don't let this one get away.
/snark, so to say.
Also, DARE, congratulations, you went to college. Now stop writing like a total dickbag, so to speak.
There's a (hilarious) debate in BDSM theory pitting the "Sadism/Masochism" faction against the "Slave/Master" sect, each convinced that the other interpretation of the acronym is unconscionable.
I think you kind of have to observe this conflict in its native Collegiate environment to fully appreciate it.
Go back to Reddit and let the grown-ups talk.
On the plus side, you don't have to grade this particular one.
I'm sure everyone would love to hear your explanation of how "BDSM has NOTHING to do with sadism".
It would definitely be a lot more entertaining than a bitchy little passive-aggressive hurt-fee-fees comment.
Pot, allow me to introduce Kettle.
"bitchy" I'll accept.
How I'm being passive-aggressive, rather than just straight-up aggressive, I'll leave for you to explain.
The hurt fee-fees are unproveable, of course. I thought I was having fun times, but if you detect hurt fee-fees, I'll allow there's no way for science to say you're wrong.
Oh, and I notice you still haven't bothered to defend your amusing assertion:
Problems do arise when the kettle starts to scream and moan about being called black, no?
Ah, OK, I think I get it.
Your thesis is that BDSM has nothing to do with sadism because for you, there's no connection.
Other people, apparently, who might have different ideas in their heads, simply don't count.
Leave SLOG alone and for whom ever's sake, LET IT GO!
Sorry SLOGers and good night Rob.
Robotslave's comments aren't bothering me a bit.
The last personality trait I want to see when I'm chained to a headboard is sadism. Domination does not equal getting off on inflicting pain. For me.
Sadism, to me, equals pain for the sake of inflicting pain and that is something I, as a sub, would never allow to occur to my person. If you don't get that, then you simply don't get it and again, it doesn't even begin to matter.
Those that own the headboards I allow myself to be chained to have no thoughts of harm to me. It's kinda complicated, but it's quite the opposite.
Again, that is just me. My opinion and that's all it is.
Anyway, I don't think he's bi. I think he just likes to mess with people. And I don't think he's evil or narcissistic, just a little insecure and playful. I think he'd know if he had some attraction to men.
And five-year-olds playing some kind of sex game is completely normal: most people did something like that at one point.
As far as sadism not being part of BDSM, I suspect this is a semantic problem. The word 'sadistic' when used outside the sex or kink context usually means something non-consensual. So even though the S in BDSM originally was there to include consensual sadism, I think it's reasonable to say that sadism (common, non-consensual use of the word) has no place in BDSM (which is by definition all about consent).
I wonder if this is from my high school boyfriend...
The term is Fag Stag.
@66 & @69: I completely agree with you two. I'm not very much of a masochist (the pain I like is pretty damn mild), but I absolutely want the pain inflictor to be actively enjoying it, for my than just my pleasure. They have to enjoy my pain (which I'm also enjoying) for it to make any sense for them to inflict pain on me.
@62 You should consider whether you're being too selfish. If the only people you allow to hurt you don't enjoy hurting you (enjoying inflicting hurt is the definition of sadism), you're asking a whole lot from them and not giving anything back. Personally, I have a hard time avoiding feeling guilty for expecting someone to go to all of the hard work to get me off, while I just lay there (screaming and squirming, of course) and get off. The fact that my partner in this activity actively enjoys the pained look on my face, my gasping and my screams of a torture victim (despite the mild pain I'm getting), washes away my guilt and greatly increases my pleasure.
It is not just possible, but a regular part of my life, for someone to love me tenderly, want me to be healthy and happy, and also absolutely adore causing me the pain I want. Any sadist who plays with me must value my well being, but that doesn't magically make them not a sadist.
Narcissism indeed.
My guess is that there are throngs of people who want to hurl themselves out windows when in this guy's presence.
Any others thinking that this guy might be at war over his own insecurities about his own masculinity? That would explain both the thrill of pursuing women who are in relationships and taunting "macho" guys he presumes closeted. In my experience with narcissism, narcissists exert tremendous energy (if not their whole way of being) into concealing and denying a very threatening insecurity from themselves. One of the ways they can play that out over and over is by "daring" those around them to point out that insecurity so that they can then publicly put down that person for doing so.
Example: narcissistic coworker consumed by fear that those around her think she's incompetent and, amazingly, circumstances continually somehow allow her to accuse her coworkers, "You think I'm incompetent, don't you?"
"Uh, no, I was just putting the mail away."
The TMI issue is unrelated (and has slowed way, way down).
It isn't fair to try and psychoanalyze one commenter for her interest in receiving pain and suggest that her whole life is a cry for help.
Stupid commenter then says, "How dare you! Oral sex isn't actually sex and has no place in the bedroom."
A bunch of cocksucker commenters then say, "What the hell are you talking about? Sure, not everybody likes oral sex, but lots of people do and it's got 'sex' right there in the name."
Stupid commenter continues, "Tsk. Look at how you defend yourselves. In my world oral sex doesn't fit. Simply accept that."
Etc, etc.
Basically, MaiaD, you're an idiot. No, sadism doesn't factor into BDSM for all people. Some people are submissives, but not masochists and they fit nicely with dominants who aren't sadists. It's there for the majority, though. You might as well be telling us that blowjobs have nothing to do with sex just because you dislike them.
Woman sued for bad parenting by "adult" children (and vicious ex-husband lawyer). Remember, send your kid the right birthday card, or they'll be scarred for life!
Peace.
also @58: Yeah, giving your email address to internet trolls is just the wisest thing you could ever do. So wise.
Just separate your opinions more clearly from what you feel are scene-wide facts next time and you'll do fine.
For the record, I know tons of people in the BDSM scene who identify as sadists or are seeking sadists. I like that this discussion has brought out the critical dividing line between how that's understood in the mainstream world and the ways BDSM practitioners perceive it.
That said, I too am a bit of an effeminate hetero dude, and it does frequently attract some odd, even uncomfortable, behavior on the part of others. We should ease up on the guy (I just always feel kinda bad for those folks who write in to Dan for some honest advice, then wind up getting torn to shreds in the merciless, reductive world that is an online comment thread. Just get yourself some therapy there dude, & take it easy, so to speak.)
That was my favorite line from this narcissistic little drama queen. I also enjoyed the fact that he doesn't really ask a question, he just wants to describe his wonderfulness to Dan. Funny stuff.
And clarifying the top/dom distinction, which can be confusing, doesn't mean that someone is trying to tell other people they're not "true X."