Comments

102
to the 5'1", 125-er: your height and weight are within the "normal" range of BMI, so I hardly think you qualify as chubby.
103
Most people are with other people who are roughly the same level of attractiveness as themselves. There are two choices here if you want to attract people who are better looking than you: lose weight, get plastic surgery, dress/groom better or get yourself a lot of money.
104
@7 - Spot on man, and a perfect description of my new sweetie...and I'm hoping to convert that from bf/gf to married soon.

@9 - Yes, I see you've met a couple of my exes? So many 'hot' people absolutely suck in bed, and no matter how hot they are, there is a limit to how much of your life you want to spend putting up difficult crap just to look at a pretty wrapper.

@13,15 - I think your observations are spot on. I am a CAG, have stayed very fit and my less-conventionally hot GF has traded up by being an accomplished person, a good bit younger than me and more than anything: being an all around impressive and awesome person.

When I was a younger CAG, I did not feel very good about myself - much like LW seems not to - or my looks (I had terrible and unrealistic self-image) and there is NO DOUBT IN MY MIND that attitude makes all the difference. I never tried to go after hot girls and duh, I never got any! It took way to long, but one day I looked in the mirror and decided I was hot/attractive, and I started meeting and catching the eye of hotties, and you know, they return the serve. Whether they are 'worth it' or not, is an entirely different thing. I think you have to have some physical attraction to have hot sex, but it is no where near sufficient by itself. The very worst lays I've ever had were super-hotties.

My GF is not 'in my league' on the shallowest of looks measures but she has the right attitude and didn't hesitate to go after me and close the deal. You should seriously consider the same.
105
I've dated a few big guys, but didn't feel like I was out of their league. Here's why: The big guys I dated had something going on for themselves socially/professionally, were fun to be around, liked to eat pussy a lot, and always paid for everything (sometimes even my friends' drinks or tickets, etc, too). I don't know what the female equivalent of that type of guy is. And I'm certainly not suggesting that paying for everything on dates or having no sexual limitations is the way to go. All I'm saying is that the social math has to be balanced. If you want to attract people that are hotter than you, then you have to bring something even better than good looks to the table to offer.

However, I read comment #73 and the general feeling I got was that she was admitting to trolling Dan Savage. It sounds like she wants to prove to her friends who always say she should improve her attitude that the real problem is her weight. My impression is that she wants her skinny-bitch friends to stop telling her that if she was just funnier, more outgoing, friendlier, or flirtier that she would be pulling in hotties non-stop. Whatever her deal is, it sounds like she's trying to prove something and that she's angry at the world right now.

I think her skinny bitch friends are right that it's her attitude that's making it hard for her to date, b/c she does sound hostile and like she wouldn't be that much fun to hang out with. But after she adjusts her attitude she might want to work on trying to be her personal best by eating better and maybe working out. Not saying she should attempt to become a stick figure, just like, maybe stop eating her way through her problems. If she was an alcoholic who couldn't date we would say go to AA. But since her problems are around food, it's taboo to say that she should work on being healthier.
106
Various men I have spoken to about the kind of women they are interested in claim to actually not find "CAGs" attractive. Maybe it is a deeply-layered headgame in which they convince themselves that they don't think those women are hot because they are secretly intimidated by them. I don't know. Maybe I just hang out with strange men.

Hard to say. It's possible those men truly don't find those women attractive. But your theory is also reasonable.

I stand by my earlier thought that the most important part of being attractive is being healthy and happy. That doesn't guarantee that you'll appeal to everyone, but it does improve the chances that you'll appeal to people who are attracted to people kind of like you.

Most important? Not sure about that. I agree they're important but I think the most important part is having the kind of look (whatever it may be) that happens to appeal to the person you're interested in. For example, if a woman is attracted to guys who are taller than she is and a guy who likes her is 1" shorter, it's not going to matter to her how happy (and healthy) he is. She's not going to want to go out with him.

107
I agree with everyone above to who suggested black men. I am an overweight white woman and I attract a lot more conventionally attractive black men than conventionally attractive white men. Not every black man is into large curves, but plenty of them are.

You also might want to try online dating, it is easier to find people with unconventional tastes online. It might be easier if you list yourself as a BBW even if you aren't quite fat enough to fit into that category. If you post a picture nobody's going to accuse you of deception.

Another possibility that you don't seem to have considered is the types of personalities you are attracted to. Maybe it's not just the physical type that is the issue. You might be the type of girl who is drawn to shallow guys with stereotypically masculine behavior. Like one of those skinny girls who always seem to be dating "jerks." Dan touched on this when he suggested that your attitude might be blinding you to men who would be interested in you, but he didn't mention that possibility that you might think the vain elitist demeanor is hot.

This is unrelated, but the only dating advice I ever get is to "get drunk and have sex with a stranger." What the hell kind of advice is that? Maybe everyone I know has stupid advice, or maybe being both introverted and ugly is seen as a handicap in our culture, I dunno. I'm not saying everyone is in the drunken hookup scene is an idiot, but I doubt that sort of activity would improve my life much.
108
I just thought of something. Look at Snooki. If you're a chubby girl who wants to acquire the attitude needed to attract muscular, shallow men, Snooki should be your role model. She's not pretty, she's not smart, she's not talented, she's not interesting, she's not fashionable. It's not her sluttiness that makes her popular either, there are plenty of reality tv stars who are both prettier and sluttier, but not as popular as Snooki. I think it is Snooki's attitude that makes her so well liked. She is friendly, personable and confident. She shows no shame about her short chubby body, or about her obsession with "gorillas."
109
@73, I was thinking the same thing aureolaborealis said in @57.

Do you think that a man who is interested in you is instantly disqualified because there must be something wrong with him? Like Groucho Marx's “I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as a member.”

You might want to give that some thought, see if that applies to you. That would be very self-defeating.
110
Also, just being attractive in appearance is only one part of getting dates. (Most?) men like women who smile at them invitingly, appear interested in them, listen to them, make them feel admired, etc.
111
It's all attitude. If you put out, nonverbally, that you are beautiful, then you are beautiful. If you "tell" the world that you're unattractive, then you do not attract (as efficiently). The most beautiful woman I know is overweight (and, at the moment, bald from chemo treatments). On the other hand, my oldest friend, also overweight, apparently hit the jackpot and married a rich, handsome man... With whom she's now embroiled in The Most Messy Divorce Ever. If you act beautiful, you are, and the world will buy it. Conventional attractiveness is a crock of sh1t.
112
I would add in a little exercise to your life. Not a ton, unless you want to. You'll feel like a bad ass every time you finish, which will make you confident. You may or may not lose weight, but you'll hold your body in a more attractive way. And number two, smile and make eye contact. I have been called beautiful and I have been called ugly (though I think the people in the last category are nuts), but picking up guys doesn't depend on that. Serious, see a hot guy, look at him a bit. Look away, laugh at whatever your girlfriend is saying, look back with your smile still on your lips. It might not work every time, but it will work.
113
Seems like it all depends on how you feel about losing weight. If you don't want to, then your weight is irrelevant. If you want to, then do it and see how you fare in the dating pool.

When I met my bf he was awkward and I was 13 to 25 lbs heavier than now. I pursued him (he certainly didn't have the skills to pursue me). Over the last several years, he's gained confidence from having a girlfriend and I've lost 25 lbs because I was fed up (no pun intended) of being overweight most of my life. This part of my comment doesn't really have a point (unless you find one anyway).
114
Yup, you'll get more attention from men - fit and otherwise - if you get fit. Is it possible that a fit, handsome guy might land in your lap if you don't slim down? Of course. And do non-physical attributes also contribute to overall attractiveness and appeal to potential SOs? Of course. But anyone who tells you that being out of shape won't limit your choices in the dating world is lying to you.

Duh.

Get your butt to the gym. And read good books while yer on the treadmill, because just being fit & attractive doesn't cut it with quality partners.

Good luck, grasshopper.
115
I think that @79 put it well (though I can't vouch for the bit about implants and testosterone and stuff). This is a big assumption, but I feel like the LW (@73?) is looking for guys who have attained a sort of elite social position - guys with money, or guys who care a lot about how they're seen; in other words: guys with status. And in our society, guys who care a lot about social status will basically only want to date thin women, even if that's not the only thing they're attracted to.

Another way to put it: there are many confident, good-looking guys who are into bigger women, but there are also some social milieus in which bigger women aren't usually accepted as objects of romantic desire. It ends up being a question not of guys, but of worlds.
116
Damn shame when a fatty thinks fatties are beneath her, she is part of the problem.

Don't go getting sand in your genital region about me using fatty. As someone who was huge, and learned to regain self-control she should be ashamed for being so bigoted against people with the SAME ISSUE.
117
We can all find a reason for not getting dates; mine was that I'm too tall (5'10") and too athletic for most CAGs. Now that I'm 52, i can add age as a reason. When I was younger, I was extremely shy and unwilling to look men in the face. In my current job, I meet men all the time. One of the most attractive men I have seen is obese, wears thick glasses and isn't handsome. His air of confidence makes him worth a second glance. I wouldn't ask him out because he's married! There's a CAG who comes into my workplace( chiseled features, athletic, tall) but his frightening, rigid manner make him terrifying to all who see him. Talk with every man you feel safe to talk to. I flirt with old men, young men, homely men, homeless men, and gorgeous men.
It's good practice for when the real thing comes along!
Being beautiful is no guarantee you'll be happy--look at Marilyn Monroe, Diana Spencer, Demi Moore, to name only a few.
118
@117 Thank you for sharing your experiences in such a positive way!
119
I have one of those (real) medical conditions that upsets my hormone balances and can make my weight swing around drastically depending on what's going on with my condition and the side effects of the medications I take. Even though my diet and exercise regimen stays the same, I've gained and lost as much as 70 pounds in one year on a 5'3" frame. My closet is full of clothes ranging from size 10 (close to ideal for my bone structure) to size 16, and I've worn them all in the past two years. And having gone through so many sizes, I've experienced a lot of changes in my perceived level of attractiveness. It actually helps me a lot in gauging peoples' personalities. I've had people not attracted to me when I'm bigger suddenly become interested when I drop weight, and people who I was dating while smaller come up with some thin excuse to break things off once I start gaining. I've also had people turned off and bring things to a stop in the bedroom once my shirt comes off to reveal the loose skin that's the inevitable side effect of such rapid weight changes. In all those cases, these people are revealing themselves to me to be nothing more than shallow assholes and I count myself well rid of them. It's also helped me to be able to look past the physical in any potential partner. Intellect and a sense of humor are so much more important to me than the outside package that I've gotten to the point that I really don't care what people look like (as long as they're taking care of their personal hygiene). If you're not stimulating my mind, you're not stimulating me at all, and that's what's really important, right?
120
Even if you find some hot guy into fat chicks--which is really, really rare, don't let these people bullshit you--you face a problem even worse than your current one. That guy can pull soooooooo much fat chick ass, the competition is even fiercer.

Think about it. America is chock full of fat chicks right now. They are everywhere. Pretty much all of them want to date the hot guys, just like you. The number of hot guys who would date the fat chicks is a small fraction of the hot guys. So those few hot guys who actually do dig fat chicks are pretty much guaranteed to be able to each pick among literally hundreds of women.

Man, talk about putting yourself into the most severely competitive situation.

You will find it far easier to simply lose weight and keep it off, I bet.

Oh, and don't listen to the idiots saying men find confidence and vivaciousness sexy. Total horseshit. We find Jessica Alba sexy. If she is confident, that is about as relevant as the color of her living room drapes.
121
@120 It is true that there are more fat girls who want hot guys than vice versa, but the way you wrote your comment makes me doubt that you have any knowledge of the fat dating game. If you actually talk to guys who are into fat girls, their lives are difficult. Look at this article if you are really curious. http://www.villagevoice.com/2011-05-04/n… There are tons of comments on this article from fat girls who are deeply resentful of men in general. Many fat girls consider fat admirers to be gross repulsive fetishists. Others react with hostility and fear to any sexual advances because they are worried about becoming victims of "hogging." It doesn't help that most of the men who like fat girls are reluctant to admit it in public.

Within this screwed up subculture, possessing one tiny iota of confidence and sanity is an easy way for a fat girl to put herself above most of the dating pool. Of course, leaving the subculture altogether by losing weight is an option, but if you have some kind of deep seated issue with trusting men, weight loss won't change that.
122
@121

Hi it pretty well here. Bitterness runs rampant here, and I wouldn't be surprised if ICHTT's attitude leaked out in public. Her friends are also sort of missing the point, too; it isn't just attitude that makes a woman attractive, but a craptastic attitude can make any woman unattractive.

What I can't see from this is what makes ICHTT different from a thousand other women I've met. With apologies to Rosser Reeves, she doesn't have much of a unique dating proposition. Hot qualifies, and rich and powerful - yup, those work. But being super-smart can also work. Socially adept works. Doing cool stuff works. Bantering like Nora Charles works.

Personally, I'm at the 30th percentile of physical attractiveness, at best. But I did OK when I was single. I understand what I can do, or what I am, that's special, and what isn't. I also have two legs, and I can use them to walk away from someone who's not interested. ICHTT should try it some time.

123
Well I'm a fat woman, and I get tons of male attention, from all kinds of guys- including lots who are a full decade younger than me. Yes, the difference really is attitude. I feel sexy, so I am sexy.
124
I would say I'm average size now. I was a bit chubby when i was younger, I lost a lot of weight and became pin-thin after. I used to attract more men when i was at my heaviest, i wasn't self conscious, i think it was the fact that i was happy, confident and straight forward that kept landing me very attractive men. I couldn't even get the last men on earth when i was at my thinnest, after an ugly breakup (with a gorgeous men that i picked up as a chubby women by the way) y became very aware of my weight. worked my ass off and lost a lot of it! too much i would say. It shattered my self-esteem and even though i was a very thin good looking women i couldn't get any guys. I would say it is about your attitude. Keep the weight that you are comfortable and healthy at, and learn to love yourself, at least most of the time. Tell yourself you are beautiful and you'll start to believe!!! Attitude goes a LONG way!

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