If sis is dependent on the parents while in grad school, I htink it's very nice for the LW to wait on her graduation, but once she's out of there, I see no reason whatsoever for him not to tell them.

After all, if their marriage is /that/ bad, it may very well implode on its own before she's even finished or before he has a chance to tell them :-P

So my thought would be to do so asap once sister's done. Assuming LW still wants to do her a favor.

They're going to kick her out of the house because he's bi? That is some bad shit.

I don't see why sis even has an opinion on this. Its nice of LW to let her get through school first, but really, he doesn't even owe her that much. The next homophobic remark by the parents after she graduates, would be when I would tell them.

It's a nice gesture but the sister seems to take that gift and then shove it back in your face. She seems a bit bigoted herself (apple not falling far from the tree)?

Is the sister really stuck under their roof until she finishes grad school? I get financial hardships but grad school means she's an adult and should be able to take care of herself, get a part-time job and roommates if needed. Maybe her leaching off Mom and Dad is doing more to exasperate the situation than your penchant for genital variety would?

Nothing ruins a marriage like money squabbles.

Dear WANTS,
You aren't responsible for saving, improving, or ending your parents' marriage, whether it's strong or weak, nurturing or dysfunctional.

I am not sure how staying closeted while she lives at home really benefits your sister, except that she wouldn't have to be around to hear your parents yell at each other or blame each other for your sexuality. But perhaps she thinks that they would be so upset with the way their children could turn out to be that they kick her out? If that really seems to be the case, then it is kind of you to think of your sister's living situation and offer to defer this info until she doesn't need to be supported by Mom and Dad. If she just thinks that you should hide who you really are so she doesn't have to be in proximity to their unhappiness or disappointment, well, that seems like a lot of self-sacrifice to make.

It's your life, WANTS, please don't live it for anyone but yourself.

Sister's "concern" sounds almost bigoted. She's worried that the news might wreck Mom & Dad's miserable marriage? WTF. I can see being concerned for selfish reasons like it will be hard to finish school with this kind of drama going on, but WANTS's withholding the news till she's done is already going above & beyond. She has no right to ask even for that, let alone that he withhold the news for [possibly] ever.

Maybe this whole family (except WANTS) is addicted to a 1950's idea of respectability. A not-quite-heterosexual son? Gasp! A divorce? Oh my goodness gracious. What could be worse? Are we going to find out in a few years that the sister is almost 30 and NOT MARRIED?

Given that this guy's not in a relationship with another man or anything like that, it doesn't seem like it's really costing him anything not to come out to his parents for the time being. Holding off until his sister finishes school is a nice - and easy - thing to do.

After that, I dunno. Come out to your parents whenever you want, dude. If you don't want to, don't do it, and if you feel like it's part of your identity and it'll improve your life, then go ahead and come out to someone or everyone. Your choice. Either way is fine. For my part I'm not "out" to my family per se because I'm the kind of bi guy who's just not really romantically interested in other men, so my bisexuality is just a part of my sex life and not my romantic or domestic life; and I don't feel like my sex life is something I need to tell my family about. If I ever did find myself involved with a guy, I'd come out. So you choose.

"...or for the rest of your life, WANTS, if you wind up in an LTR with a woman..." for the stealth-snark win. Also, lol @6.

...And words of wisdom, @7.

@2 I think the concern is more likely that the parents' relationship will take another turn for the worse, and he was sparing his sister that headache by waiting to tell them.

That said, the sister's reaction is totally out of line. Say it was a friend renting out a room in your parents' house after you'd moved out. A reaction along those lines would likely mean the end of the friendship. I know family is different, but dude, if your sister is going to be an asshat about it, I'd say skip the waiting and rip that band-aid off now.

Eh... wait until your sister is out of the house, preferably out of college -- if this issue precipitated the long-coming divorce, the financial hardship would hurt your sister during a very precarious time.

The LW says his sex life is more "aspirational than actual" now. So, he perhaps doesn't know exactly how "bi" he is. Unlike others, my thought is wait on this. It will create a huge shit storm and there is a possibility the LW is just "bicurious" but mostly straight or that the LW is not romantically attracted to same-sex partners, both of which are common enough among young bisexuals, and of course it will be easy for his parents to dismiss his coming out as a phase when they never see him bring home a boyfriend. In neither of these cases will coming out force his parents to change. You know what would make them broaden their horizons? Calling them out on their homophobic comments.

Take the passive-aggressive way. Don't tell them and don't hide. If they find out simply say "Oh, that detail wasn't important enough to talk about."

And what if the sister can't find a job after grad school and doesn't move out? Not unheard of these days.

You are not responsible for your parent's relationship. Whether their relationship is fabulous or a complete train wreck is completely on them, not you. If you come out and they react badly and that somehow makes their marriage worse, again, not your problem. It's on them, not you.

Your decision to come out to them, or not, should be based on your needs. If it would make you feel more honest, more accepting of yourself, make you feel like you're validating your life, or whatever, then go ahead and tell them. If they then act like assholes, either to you or to each other or to your sister, then they are assholes, which is not your fault. You gotta be true to you. Live your life for yourself.

You are very kind to delay your decision for a couple of years to make your sister's life a little easier, but her desire for you to remain closeted forever is selfish and bigoted. She may be a grad student, but she still has some growing up to do.

I have to admit, the prase "ungrateful little shit" came to mind when the sisters reaction was described. That's perhaps too unkind. Things having to do with close family often leads to emotional reactions, so something that the sister thinks will make the marriage worse may cause her to react badly. Also, drama breeds drama, and her being in that house probably makes her less than 100% rational in any event.

Still, this notion that coming out is exclusively about describing your sex life is so ignorant it hurts. Tell sis to try, for one month, to excise every reference to her orientation from the visibility of the parents. That means every reference to a dude, past present or future, in her life, a careful sanitizing of facebook, discussing nothing about relationships or future plans, and on and on. I think your sister needs to be informed that you are willing, for now, to put off coming out until she finishes school (very kind of you to do so, even if she's incapable of expressing that) but after that, you're coming out. Living a lie to sustain a good marriage is too much, but living one to sustain someone else's bad marriages is simply beyond the pale.

You need to be free to be yourself. That's number one.

Sister needs to make arrangements to move out, somehow.

And maybe, just maybe, your honesty in coming out to your parents will precipitate their taking an honest look at themselves and their marriage relationship. Granted, it is NOT your responsibility to make or break their marriage. And their potential look-see at their marriage may take years and could be very tough sometimes. But I'm totally one for people living their truth, as honestly and kindly as possible. Maybe in the end this will help clear all kinds of air in the household?

At first I thought you were doing a kind thing for a dependent younger sister, perhaps in her volatile late teenage years. But on second read, it appears you're waiting to tell your parents because of an ungrateful, adult older sister. She doesn't need or deserve your consideration. Just tell your parents. You being bisexual isn't going to do anything to their marriage. Their shitty relationship is why their marriage is bad.

I'm a bi woman who married a guy. I never came out to my parents -- who probably wouldn't take me seriously anyway -- and I don't see the point now. I'm not defending your sister's tone or choice of words, but how much are you really censoring yourself around your parents currently if you're not even in a relationship? If you feel a pressing need to open up to them about who you're sexually attracted to, I guess you should do it. I personally like to keep my parents at a bit of a distance that way -- it only makes my life easier. And just because you're not out to them doesn't mean you have to sit there and smile and put up with their homophobia -- I don't put up with that shit from anyone.

I agree with @12. There doesn't seem to be any good reason that WANTS wants to divulge this irrelevant info about his sex life. And that's what it is - info about his private sexual desires. If he were gay, that would be a different thing - they'd find out eventually; why not tell them now? But now, WANTS, they have a right not to know about your sex life. If you do end up with a dude, tell them then.

You ask, "Is it really so selfish of me to want to stop keeping secrets?" If you're anything like the rest of us, you "keep secrets" from your parents all the time when it comes to things YOU'D rather they not know. And now, when it comes to something THEY'D rather not know, you don't want to keep your mouth shut? Yeah, that IS selfish.

You ask, "...to want to stop having to censor everything I write..." You don't need to censor anything. Other people write about their lives online despite the risk of discovery. Bare your soul and let 'em find out if they do, but why TELL them? Because you want attention for how special and different you are?

"...just smile and bite my tongue when they say something homophobic?" Hell no, you don't have to do that. You can say, "Hey. Knock it the fuck off. What you're saying is bigoted and ignorant. Gay people are just as legitimate and entitled to equal rights as you are. [Insert well-reasoned critique here.]" This does not require telling your parents about your sexual desires.

As a kinky person, I cannot understand why bisexuality is suddenly on the Tell-All list but kink is still on the Keep-Your-Damn-Mouth-Shut list. If it is going to upset them, and they don't need to know it, keep your damn mouth shut.

It sounds like WANTS already has many good reasons. He should keep his promise, though, and wait until the sister moves out. If he didn't want to do that, then he shouldn't have said that he would.

@19, "I cannot understand why bisexuality is suddenly on the Tell-All list but kink is still on the Keep-Your-Damn-Mouth-Shut list."

Because kink is about what you do behind closed doors, period. But bisexuality is not just about who you do behind closed doors -- it's also about who your friends catch you checking out at bars, who you gogo on dates with, who you hold hands with, who you invite to holidays, who you cuddle with at the movie theater.

LW was explicit about what I see as the main reason to disclose -- he doesn't want to have to censor his FB posts or his public life, he doesn't want to suppress a very real facet of his own personality, for fear that someone he knows will see him with some guy and the people he cares about will find he's bi through some scandalous gossip. Getting outed that way not only has the potential to hurt and violate trust, but it gives people a reason to assume, or ammunition to defend their own beliefs, that it's because bisexuality is something to be ashamed of.

I agree it's nice that he's willing to wait until his sister is well away from chez shitstorm. Although he has no obligation to do so, it's probably better for his sister, and for his relationship with his sister, that he wait.

But there has to be an expiration date on the waiting, I think. Higher education can sometimes take longer than people plan for, especially grad school. If his sister starts adding extra semesters onto her degree because it's taking longer than she thought to finish school, or if she finishes school but hangs around the house because living on her own is harder than she realized, then the LW would be within his rights to tell her he's still sticking to his intended come-out date. She's an adult and can at least try to make her own way; he's doing her a favor by waiting even though he's ready to come out now; she should accept the favor and not expect more.

@19. Bisexuality is an orientation, not a facet of your sex life.

This guy is cool and considerate. He should wait for the sister, since he said he would. But he also should show her his letter and the responses here to her attitude. She needs to know she is being called out on her own selfishness. I think he is justified ignoring his promise to her since it resulted in her rudestorm. But I also think he'll feel better if he does what he said he would.

LW, I hear you. I used to have two codes of conduct, one for when I was dating a guy, and one for when I was dating a girl. It felt wrong and it was wrong. So I adopted Gandhi's "be the change you want to see in the world" and I became open and consistent, regardless of which I was with. It just felt better. Being bi is not just about who you have sex with. It is who you are and affects your behavior in many little ways every day, whether you are single or not. Be you.

You are not the keeper of your parent's miserable marriage. Even though it affects you, it is not your titanic. They are adults who are responsible for their own marriage and their own happiness.

@4. LOL at "penchant for genital variety."

One point to those who suggest waiting until he is in a relationship with a man. I suspect that that man would prefer he already be out about his sexuality. But the major point is that there is bound to be some drama when he comes out to his parents, and it is likely to have an effect on his new relationship. I think it would be better to have the coming out behind him before he tried to have a relationship with anyone.

Come out, get healthy, have a healthy relationship.

Divorces are expensive. If WANTS' mom and dad split up, Sister is worried that there won't be any money for her grad school and likely the house she's living in rent free will be put up for sale. Sister's motivations are purely selfish. I doubt she ever intends on becoming an independant adult and finding gainful employment. Sister is just using grad school as an excuse to live off the parental teet and fears that a divorce will cause her to lose her unhappy but safe home and free money.

I think what LW meant to ask was, "As a somewhat inexperienced bisexual, how can I improve my blowjob skills?" Let's help this guy out.

@7

call me

I'm out as a bi woman, whether I'm dating a guy or a girl. #1 it's easier, #2, being out is important, as a tool to whittle away discrimination.

If WANTS said he'd be nice & wait on his sister's schedule to out himself to his folks, then he should wait, even though there is a charming, breathless quality to his wanting to be out NOW.

I don't think waiting a little longer = living a lie. As earlier posters have said, if WANTS met someone fabulous who is a male, & started a heavy relationship, then yeah, waiting becomes much harder. For now, even if she is played here for maximum selfishness, WANTS should honor his promise to his sister - and stop taking responsibility for the state of his folks' marriage.

If every bisexual person were like Mr Alan, I'd be only too delighted if they were all out.

WANTS here.

19's response was more or less identical to my sister's, who believe it or not I'm actually gonna stick up for. Y'all are treating her a bit unfairly, which I probably didn't help with (especially 25, who is more or less dead wrong--sorry!). She's going to be done with school pretty soon and is under a lot of stress. I think she really does have my best interests at heart too, but I think she just doesn't get the difficulty and ethical wrongness of having to lie about this. As for my parents, I'm also not convinced her analysis is right. Their homophobia is milder than a lot of cases I've seen, and I think finding out their (happy, successful, somehow-still-practicing-the-religion-they-raised-him-in) son is bi might actually have a positive impact on them. Eventually, anyway. Once the shitstorm blows over.

@25 - please tell me you don't think that every grad student goes to grad school "as an excuse to live off the parental teat"...

I agree completely with @24. If you only come out once you're in a relationship, it gives homophobic parents the opportunity to blame your partner for 'turning' you. Not great for the partner, and not great for you, since you have to deal with the coming out drama as well as their preemptive negative feelings about your partner.

I think it is great that LW is considerate enough to wait until his sister is done with grad school before he tells his parents. Screw their marriage, he's not responsible for that.

Not to defend the sister, but I think her reluctance to have him tell their parents is less about being homophobic/bigoted and more about not wanting to be blamed, as in "did you know your brother was bisexual?" and "why didn't you tell us?" etc etc. If their parents are in a difficult marriage, they probably aren't the easiest people to be around. If they react badly to their son's coming out, they may want to lash out and the sister would be easy pickings if she is still in their home. However, once she is out of the grad school pressure cooker, even if she is still living there, I think he is completely right in going ahead and telling his parents. She'll just have to deal with it.

WANTS, here's what bothers me: your sister saying "that really my sex life (which, alas, at the moment, is more aspirational than actual) is none of their business at all."

The way your sister sounds here is like she reduces any orientation that is not heterosexuality down to the purely sexual aspects. In the world of bigots, heterosexuals fall in love, get married, and have children, and somewhere along the way have sex. Whereas gay people (and bisexuals to an extent) just have sex, and therefore any expression whatsoever of a gay person's existence is "flaunting" their sexuality.

Man & woman holding hands = acceptable romantic PDA. Two dudes holding hands = OH MY GOD STOP TELLING US YOU'RE ASS-FUCKING. In their view.

Not saying at all that your sister's a bigot, but if she really does view this being only about your sex life, maybe she's absorbed some of this attitude. Or maybe you've expressed your potential interest in men to her as purely sexual, when this could turn out to be romantic as well.

I think it's important to remind your sister that orientation isn't about a sex life; it's a about a LIFE.

First of all, I don't see how his coming out could affect his parents' marriage. If they're both homophobic, it might unite them in solidarity. If one is less homophobic than the other, perhaps there will be disagreements over it, but if it drives a wedge between them, honestly, his being gay is just a pretext and excuse for a marriage that was already falling apart.

Second, why would it affect the daughter in any way? Are they going to attack her because her brother is gay? That's completely irrational. I realize these aren't necessarily rational emotions -- maybe they'll attack her for already knowing about it, or not being as obviously homophobic as they are. But still, she's a bystander.

Third, I am so fucking angry with the sister. Being gay or bi is about a lot more than who we sleep with or date. I've been openly gay for more than half my life, and single for about 80% of my "out" life. But even so, I'd have to hide a lot about my life even during the "no sex" drought periods. Must he hide everything about his life? If his parents come to visit, must he hide his copies of The Advocate? If he's going to a charity fundraiser, must he conceal that it's for The Trevor Project? If they happen to meet his friends, will they not notice a disproportionate number of gay friends? He's already mentioned the fact that they could discover it through Google, so he's clearly been actively involved somehow with "gay" things. Seriously, it's annoying and offensive to suggest that a gay or bi man who happens to not be dating at the moment has nothing else "gay" in their life.

I've always believed that one of the biggest things that holds back full equal rights for LGBT people is the inability to distinguish between SEXUALITY and SEX. Yes, the writer's sex life may be none of his parents' business, but he's not wanting to tell them about his sex life. Sex is a physical act. But your sexuality is about attraction, connection, and about whom your heart yearns for, not just your cock. A straight man can easily say, "I like women," without people automatically thinking about his sex life, yet for some reason a lot of people have a hard time doing that with gays. Straight people often get weirded out about gays because they can't stand the thought of butt sex, not because they can't stand the thought of people being in love. To reduce our relationships to merely a function of our sex lives is extremely degrading, and the writer should tell his sister so. He should keep his sex life to himself, if he so desires, but unashamedly embrace his sexuality.

Mr Quixotic/WANTS - How soon is "pretty soon" for her being out of school? Has your sister habitually manipulated you into open-ended promises and used them against you? How anti-nonstraight is your faith? If you presented with a male partner without prior coming out, would your sister WANT your parents to blame him for turning you? If we could see in the Crystal Ball of Hypotheticals both that you will never have a serious M/M relationship and that your parents will cut you off if you ever come out to them, would you rather be in their lives on their terms than out of them on your own? Would your sister's answer to the last question agree with yours?

These are all things about which I'd have to guess before making any attempt at a reasonable reply. The one thing I'll say right now is that, while it was apparently kind, making an open-ended promise in the first place is NOT A GOOD IDEA - unless, of course, you are submissive enough to want to hand over control of your life to the other party.

I guess there's such a spectrum of disagreement because there's such a spectrum of bisexuality. Is it your identity, or is it your sex life?

The people for whom it is part of who they are as a person are offended by the suggestion that it's not important to be "out". But if it IS just part of your sex life, and you don't actually live that way, then why would you *need* to tell?

Are you not actually bisexual if you lust after but don't fall in love with your same sex? What are you then? I think the me sleeping with women falls more under the "pervert" than the "bisexual" category, personally, but I guess technically, I'm both.

I'm not suggesting anyone needs to hide it, just wondering where the line between TMI and acceptance of who I am, is.

I'm out about being a raging pervert to all my friends and new people I meet. I am not out to my work or my mom because... why bother? The who/how/when/why isn't really a topic I care to discuss. For me, even though my sexuality IS a big part of who I am, who I am is not something I share with my family or employer.

Also, and I think this is really important. Sticking up for gays, women and other oppressed people is something I consider my job as an ethical person, whether or not I belong to any of those categories. If someone makes a racist joke, but you are white, does that make it ok? Absolutely not. It's very sad that someone would only think to disagree with hate speech towards gay or bisexual people because they are starting to think they are one. If more people stood up to that kind of talk, there would be less of it, and less self-loathing youth that have to put up with it. As adults, we have the power to stop that kind of talk, at least in our presence. You never know which careless word, which next incident, will be the last straw for someone who is struggling. No one should have to hear those things, and it's our job to make it better, too.

I think there are lots of good responses here. 7 and 18 are particularly on point since they are people with direct experience.

My experiences mesh with what they said (which is you don't need to come out while your relationships are aspirational, but you should if you start dating someone of the same gender).

My wife's first serious relationship was with another woman. She should have come out to her parents at that time, but didn't because she was young and dealing with other complicated issues. After that first same sex relationship her bisexuality diminished first to just a part of her sex life and now to the point that she no longer considers herself bisexual.

It would have made lots of sense for her to come out while she was dating another woman. It would not have made much sense for her to come out when she was in a series of LTRs with men and just having sex with women in group sex sessions. It would make no sense at all for her to come out now that she has been married to a man for a long time and has not had sex with a woman for over fifteen years.

My sophomore college roommate came out to me as bi while we lived together. To the best of my knowledge not only was he only one woman (girl really) past virginity, he never so much as kissed another man. I believe he later dropped the whole idea entirely. Coming out when he did was much more about being "daring" and "pushing boundaries" and generally being annoying than it said anything about who he was going to date.

Another college friend of mine decided she was bi during her post college sexual awaking. She joined an internet bi community and started going out to meet and greets with them. Despite the enthusiastic support she received from me and another guy she was sleeping with, she never even kissed another girl. For her, the whole bi thing was just a way of announcing that she was enthusiastic about sex. All of that sex ended up being with men.

All of the arguments about coming out support doing so if you are like my wife when she was young. Her bisexuality was a real issue about who she loved and would date or marry. None of the arguments about coming out support doing so with my wife as she is now, or with my two college friends.

When bisexuality is just about what kind of porn you like or the kinds of threesomes you might enjoy it is not about your identity or romantic life, it is just part of your sex life and something that your parents don't need to know about any more than they need to know about whatever kinks you enjoy.

@8

What's snarky about that? I don't see that comment as snark, but rather weighing both of the guy's options.

I let people know that I am bi on selective occasions.

I let close friends, new roommates [so they don't get confused if/when I bring home a guy], people who ask me [at a queer bar if a guy asks me if I am straight, I say, 'only half'], and anyone that I am dating.

As I don't have family with which I care to associate, and generally don't share a lot of my personal life at work or with strangers, there is no issue there.

@ 31,

I speak from experience with several other "professional students" I've known. As an under-grad they probably switched majors a time or four and therefore had to start over repeatedly dragging their BA out for as long as possible. Then finally they get a bachelors degree but fail to find a job after graduation (currently the economy is the excuse of the day but really it's because they don't actually look for a job). The professional student whines to mother and father for more funds (if grants arent' available) claiming they need ever more higher education for their field but really it's just a way to prolong their entry into "the real world" of adulthood. They're either frightened of acting like an independant adult and living on their own and supporting themselves or they're lazy parasites.

@36: They can't discover it through Google now (unless, maybe, they were doing like, professional grade oppo-research type digging, which doesn't seem likely), but I'd like to not have to censor myself when I write.

@38: Two months, plus probably another few for her to find a place (trust me, she's extremely keen to move out) otherwise I'd not have made the promise. No. Plenty (though not as bad as some). No. I'd rather be out--though I think the response is not going to be cutting off but lots of angsty, dramatastic arguments. Probably.

I also don't think she's a bigot. She supports gay marriage, has gay friends (I know, I know), and told me that her advice would be different if I were gay, or if we had different parents.

As a final aside, if the roles were reversed and I were the straight (or not) sibling stuck at home, I would have fucking begged for her not to come out while I was under their roof. I would not, however, have asked her to keep mum after that point.

Good luck, QW and best wishes.

@44, good luck, and best wishes.

Is the problem for your sister that, if your parents' marriage breaks up, they won't be able to support her till she graduates and moves out (since divorcing costs money, etc)? Or that the climate in their house will become so bad that her life will become difficult?

The time frame you mention (a few months) doesn't seem to justify that. But I agree with Dan that you can wait till she's gone as a courtesy to her. Her argument about your revelation destroying their marriage doesn't seem to proceed, though -- if their marriage can be destroyed by this, then it's really hanging by a thread, and probably should be ended. If their son being bi could be enough to make them split up, why are they together at all?

Again, good luck!

@33 - " If you only come out once you're in a relationship, it gives homophobic parents the opportunity to blame your partner for 'turning' you."

Exactly true. I was once on the wrong end of that equation myself. Guy I was dating didn't tell his parents until we were already well into our relationship (we didn't live near them so it was easy not to even think about it). It was, "Mom and Dad, I'm gay. And I want you to meet my boyfriend."

Two problems with that. First, they did blame me, and while they were always polite they never tried to make me a part of the family. The second was that he wasn't actually gay but bi. We eventually broke up and he eventually settled down with a girl which only reinforced in his parents mind that I had led their little boy astray and now he had seen the light.

I promised myself after that I would never date someone who wasn't out to their family.

One of the odd things I found was that the more restrictive I got about who I would date (that is, the longer the list of reason I wouldn't date grew) the more people I ended up dating who were good prospects for something long term. At the time I met my current (and hopefully last) partner I had several other really good prospects. He was just the best out of a really good bunch.

Fuck your self-centered sister whose brain is operating in an alternate reality.

The sooner she gets out of that toxic environment, the better. You'll be doing her a favor.

In the immortal words of Humpty Hump, "Doowutchyalike"

In Australia, if an adult had to move out of their parents' house they could, at worst, get on welfare and live in a crappy apartment.

Is this not the case in America?

If so - Jesus. WTF America.

There! Proof! The gays are ruining traditional marriage!