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"If the situation were reversed"? Does that mean he wouldn't mind you fucking other women if you were bi? Because you're not, so offering that isn't at all equality. Ask him if he's willing to let you fuck other men. If he is, at least he is offering you the same nonmonogamous opportunities. If he's willing to consider it, it says a lot more for him then the let me fuck around on you, it's cool cause I'm bi, stance I'm seeing, through my own lens of course.
Either way, he wants this badly enough to put it to you, even though it might mean breaking up, and prohibiting it might not even prevent it. He gets credit for being honest rather than sneaking around, which is what lots of closeted bi dudes do. They don't have to give up their straight card or worry about their female partners leaving them. Kudos to him for that. But if you can't let him, and you certainly don't have to, you should probably let him go, sow his bisexual oats, and come back when/if he's ready to be monogamous. Or, let him find a woman who does find it hot and is cool with what he wants. You want monogamy, and he doesn't. Being bi is the reason, but good reason or not, it's still a dealbreaker.
I kind of wish my boyfriend was bi; that's pretty hot.
Dan didn't really answer her question, though, since she said she's not interested in having threeways (which is a good suggestion). What should she do then? Would this be a situation where they'd have to break up due to sexual incompatibility?
You two will probably have a better chance of staying together in the long run if he is able to get the occasional pass to play with the guys. Safely of course. This will also give you an opportunity for a future pass to play with someone else if you ever get to that point.
Also, don't underestimate how hot watching two guys together can be. Even if you don't play, you can participate. There are a lot of ladies out here who would love to be in your position. The best thing you can do is keep the conversation open, so you both feel safe to talk about the taboo stuff, without freaking out. Start by putting limits on the play time, and check in regularly. Maybe you could allow him to have oral sex with another dude, and see how that goes. Baby steps. Good luck.
It is one thing to talk about his same-sex attraction, but having some beers, meeting some folks, maybe flirting a little is a little toe in the water. Both of them might find that reality is not as bad/good as they think right now.
I am assuming that they are a fairly young couple, and whatever they do it would be a huge mistake to try to do the long-term committed monogamy thing if he has never gottne to explore this side of himself. There is no way that that will go well.
They ought to explore this together.
She needs to give herself some time and think things through, then act out of hope and desire and intention, not fear. Do something rational and courageous. Take no counsel of your fears. They will destroy you.
Turn the idea of him occasionally - or maybe even just once! - having sex with a man, or even sharing another man with you, over in your head for a while, AFRAID. Really think it through from all the angles. Ask yourself what could really, honestly go wrong. Tumble that scary idea around in your brain until all the jagged edges are worn off of it and it's not scary any more, and you can you see its real colors and make a judgment call about whether or not it's something you want, or don't want, or aren't excited about but could handle.
AFRAID: Maybe have a short-term breakup where he can sow his wild oats in a DADT sort of way? The bi people I've known who've best been able to commit to monogamy were ones that had previously been able to enjoy both men and women and were now ready to settle down with no regrets. I can't imagine that it wouldn't be harder to be thinking about marrying someone and never having been with any guys at all.
The likelihood that he is a gay man beginning to open the closet is much stronger than him being a bisexual or would be fulfilled with a MF three-way.
Promise him you'll let him fuck around with men after you get married. When he brings it up after the wedding, tell him maybe but you don't like being pressured. When that story has run its course, just tell him no, turns out you aren't comfortable with it after all.
But an important difference here is that he hasn't had a chance to experience being with a guy, and it sounds like he will always wonder what he's missed. Some sort of semi-controlled opportunity to experience it might help, whether that be through three ways or a short term opportunity to have a few affairs on a DADT basis.
There's nothing wrong with wanting monogamy. It's good you're being honest with each other, but that may not be enough to make things work: you can't be monogamous/ish at the same time. Food for thought: You both seem to assume he could never become emotionally involved with another man, and you REALLY have no evidence that is the case, that it would always be just physical fun with no emotional entanglement.
@6(?) has a good point about the first experiment not always laying things to rest.
I totally think he needs to explore this side of himself, as not doing so is just asking to be bit in the ass by it at some point later. I just think in their situation it would be better that he do it by himself.
Also worth pointing out - successful, healthy threesomes and bisexual play are varsity level sports and it doesn't sound like they are even playing the game. Seeing your partner with another woman for the first time is hard. Seeing them with someone who doesn't even share a gender with you, and therefore with whom you can't even compete, is fucking terrifying. And I say this as someone who both thinks it's hot and is currently already practicing nonmonogamy.
Now, my guy doesn't have any romantic feelings towards other guys. I don't know if AFRAID's boyfriend does or not. But if he only is sexually, not romantically, attracted to other guys, then it isn't that intimidating to me (not quite the right word...). I know that even though my husband likes to occasionally suck cock, he will never leave me for a guy because he doesn't LOVE guys. So it is less scary to me than if he wanted a 3-way with another woman.
Oh, and one last thing, advice to AFRAID. When my husband said he was interested in fooling around with a guy, and wanted to know a) if I was ok with that, and b) whether I wanted to join him for a 3-way or if I'd rather he just go alone, I didn't know at the time if I'd enjoy that 3-way. But I knew that I would NOT enjoy sitting home alone, wondering what was going on, while he met up with a guy. So I said, let's do it together. And we all had fun, and now I can honestly say that it's not that big a deal that my husband likes to occasionally suck cock.
If the boyfriend finds out he only wants to occasionally mess around with a guy, then the three-way scenario is a good solution.
Some people do, some people find they can if they're very secure with a partner to whom it's important, but not everyone is going to work that way. There's nothing wrong with AFRAID giving it more thought, but there's nothing wrong with her concluding that an exclusive relationship is important to her.
A lot of things seem really scary until you honestly answer for yourself "what's the worst that could happen?" You still may not want to do it, but it's always a bad idea to make decisions based on fear.
but seriously AFRAID you can take a bit of time to think about it per balderdash @9 but not too long. This is a deal-breaker if you can't get you head around it. Better to feel the pain now and move on.
@14: I understand your point, but I thought Savage Love advice was all about being brutally honest. Also, it was the woman not the man who wrote. In her case she needs to be cleansed of the unrealistic expectation that her bf could never have an emotional and sexual connection with a man. I would hate to see her jump into marriage or kids just to have her husband walk out ten years from now when he finally realizes what his sexual desires are.
I was bi-curious for years, never acted on it, and eventually kind of lost it altogether. But when I had stronger urges, I was able to sate them just fine through porn, occasionally going to strip clubs, and sex dreams. I'd suggest some of that for him and let him decide whether he can live with it. If not, do you really want to be with someone who values a blow job over a relationship with you?
I also agree with 24 - there's no description of "Our sex life is great for both of us.", just more red flag stuff like, "I think he is a beautiful person and I want him to be happy, no matter what that means". Closet cases consciously or unconsciously seek out doormats like this who will let them slide on their lack of attraction for their partner and on their desire for some serious extracurricular activities. This early in the relationship, they both ought to be as thrilled about each other as she is about him including, especially, their sexual attraction and satisfaction in each other.
Does he begs to eat her pussy? Is his dick hard as he does so? That would be one piece of hard (or soft) evidence of where things stand.
I believe in the existence of male bisexuals - I know a few (a very few) but they tend to be more willing to partner with one gender or the other than this guy is. All the red flags add up to "bi now, gay later" like it so often is.
Also, telling her at 2-1/2 years?!? That ain't the behavior of a self-accepting (or honest) bi guy. That's closet-case bullshit: he's either going to get her to dump him so he doesn't have to feel guilty for pulling the trigger. Or he gets her to surrunder her hopes of a monogamous relationship and gets his hall pass while she withers away to a shell of her former self as his attentions towards her predictably wane while she's home alone hearing about or fearing about the hot new boy toy of the month that he's bonking.
So she didn't mention how great (or not) their sex life is--that wasn't the point of her letter. What does it matter as far as the circumstance/problem she's writing about is concerned? He wants to open up the relationship to have sex with other people--men, specifically--and she wants to stay monogamous.
Why do some people take it upon themselves that because they doubt the existence of bisexuality as real orientation, he must be gay and closeted, not bi. Again, not the reason she wrote in. AFRAID wants monogamy; she isn't wondering whether her boyfriend is actually gay rather than the bi he's claiming.
Lastly, I think these "tests" for heterosexuality, such as the one offered by DAVIDinKENAI @35, are both absurd and meaningless. A person's interest in a particular sex act is not a litmus test for hetero- or homosexuality. I have several straight female friends who are absolutely straight, because they are attracted to men and men only, and they don't particularly enjoy blow jobs. I have known men who are definitely straight, but eating pussy wasn't their favorite activity, and who, if they had been doing it for any length of time, lost their erections. They didn't want to have sex with men; they just preferred other acts than to give oral sex.
As #31 said in response to #27, sexual orientation is about who you are attracted to, not a particular sex act.