SL Letters of the Day: Bonus Questions from Last Night's "Savage Love Live" Taping


So THAT'S what that red crystal thingy is for! Huh!
❤, all of it.
Anyone else thinking LED and a button battery?
Why are you such a Hypocritical Pussy on Polygamy?
What makes you think the biologist is a Mr.?
@5 - Because no woman could be that stupid. Their brains are just shaped wrong for that kind of idiocy. Stand aside; this is a man's bigotry.
@5: Best guess based on handwriting.
@ 6 I dunno Im pretty sure a woman could feel like that in fact I know several
@6 A woman could feel that way if a man told her to.

Regarding the pee/vomit continuum, I'm guessing whatever abdominal contractions this person is doing to vomit is causing him/her to bear down on his/her bladder. It's pretty hard on your esophagus and esophageal sphincters to do force yourself to throw up, so keep it sparing ok?
i don't get the red crystal thing - is it a reference to something?

PS: love the answers
@11: My best guess would be that awful sci-fi flick Logan's Run where, in some weird dystopia, you have a crystal embedded in your hand which stops flashing when you die.
Closed-minded scientists aren't scientists, they're just technicians.
Bummer. My field is molecular biology and my liberal arts Quaker-y college made sure that I understood that the human body expresses biological sex in four different ways.

The first way being genetic. Genetic males usually carry an X and a Y chromosome, genetic females usually carry two X chromosomes, but this isn't always the case. Some individuals who lack a chromosome and some who have a combination of three or more X and Y chromosomes: Turner syndrome (XO), Triple X syndrome (XXX), Klinefelter's Syndrome (XXY/XXXY), XYY syndrome (XYY), de la Chapelle syndrome (XX male), Swyer syndrome (XY female), etc.

Second, being gonadal. Gonadal males possess testes, gonadal females possess ovaries; some individuals possess undescended testes or streak ovaries.

Third, by hormone production and hormone reception. Those persons who possess testosterone or DHT in the body are hormonal males. Estrogen and progesterone are found in hormonal females, and some people might have levels of any of these hormones that are either high or low...or they do not have the receptors that allow the body to recognize the hormones that are present.

Fourth, being morphological features. Morphological sex is expressed by the presence, in males, of the Wolffian duct and a penis. Females will possess a Mullerian duct and a vagina. Some people possess both a Wolffian and a Mullerian duct or incomplete internal sexual organs--or none of the above--and an enlarged clitoris, a "micro-penis", or a shallow and fused vagina.

Anyway... donation made! I hope you all had fun. And, good luck science person who put their question in, hopefully you feel better. Good on you to want to look deeper.
To the girl whose boyfriend won't go down on her. Go with a condom the first round. I usually go for vaginal, then toss the condom, and go downstairs until I am ready to go again (with a quick teeth brushing in between).
How is DJ today? Did he get too much of an earful last night? You never know how kids handle their parents talking about sex, especially if there is any sort of inference about their own sexuality.
Correction: the penultimate question is deeply offensive to everybody but the prejudiced. Just sayin', is all...
@17 Yes! I had the exact same response!
@6: You've never heard of Maggie Gallagher?
re - sex outside: Ticks. In very sensitive places.
I need someone in my life who will tell me what my red crystal is doing.
The whole Questioning-my-sexuality-therefore-I-need-to-try-fucking-a-few-of-them-even-though-I'm-married thing makes me grind my teeth. Hey, I KNOW I am attracted to women, but despite the fact that there are close to three billion of them to go be attracted to, all interesting and unique, I still have this deal with my wife that I only sleep with ONE. Her.

The Question that Questioning should be asking herself is, "Am I no longer attracted to my husband?" If the answer to that is that she isn't any more, then get out, period -- and only then start considering whether her sexuality is changed. If the answer is yes, she still is attracted to him, then she should seriously consider honoring the vow of fidelity that she made to him.

Either that or she had better be giving him every bit as much of a free pass to go fuck other people that he's also attracted to, and not impose some sort of special pleading due to suspected bisexuality. If it's about wanting to fuck other people that you find attractive, I'm sure he is just as capable of being attracted to other people as she is.
@21: Hand mirror. Also, Dan is wrong. That isn't a crystal, it's an inflamed, deeply embedded tick.
I love this short-question-snappy-answer format. More like this please, Dan.
Dan, people going on first and other early dates should each pay their own way! For one thing, how do you figure out who asked who out? The one who sent the first message on the online dating site? The one who suggested that we meet? The who floated the time that worked out? The one who suggested the venue?

Sure, if you happen to be the one who did all of that, or some equivalent, you should be prepared to pay. But if it's going to be a good date, it's a mutual assessment, not a one-sided courting, so having one person pay for the whole thing is just silly.
Please don't take my fanboy card away but is that a reference to Logan's Run?

Also: i would love it if my BF called me the Chewbacca to his Han Solo
How do you know when you are in love? For me it was easy to know. When I'm not with my love, I long to be. When my love needs something, I want to give it. When my love is in pain, I want to provide comfort. And when I imagine my life in the future, my love is there thru old age and to death.
@27 well sure. But I can think of several people for which this is true for me -- and I'm not gonna have sex with any of them. So maybe a tad more to it than that?

Love this format. Some good stuff there, too.

The "Questioning" thing kinda drives me nuts as well. I'll have to think about this to put a better finger on why that is.
That person should not be claiming to be a biologist if he/she doesn't even know that chromosomes are not the only physical reality related to gender/sex. There are chromosomes, gene expression, body chemistry, body anatomy (primary and secondary) and brain anatomy to contend with and they don't always match. Mr. Savage's citation of women with androgen insensitivity syndrome is well given.

Yes, gender is a physical reality and not a social construct, but "physical" is more complicated than "XX vs XY." (And even if this guy is a botanist or marine biologist, that means he/she's skilled enough to look this stuff up in a book and understand it. The question indicates that he/she did not bother.)
Yeah.. For a biologist that was a really, really stupid question... I mean, I only took Psychology 101 at college and it covered everything that Kim said @14, you'd think it would be covered in biology too...

btw Dan, what do you think of the term QUILTBAG (Queer/Questioning Undecided Intersex Lesbian Trans Bisexual Asexual Gay) as a replacement for LGBTQ? Easier to say, easier to remember, and more inclusive :D (and also a funny word ^^)
Is it better to be gay, straight, or bi?

It is BEST to be happy with who you are, no matter who you are sexually drawn towards. There is no "best" that can be applied to everyone.
@30 QUILTBAG for the win! Excellent acronym building.
@32 I can't take credit for building it, and I don't know who can, but it sure is awesome ^^
@30: And then SQUIRTBAG - Straight, Queer, Unsexed, Intersex, Real Lesbians, Trans, Bi, Asexual, Gay when you're trying to include everyone or all allies? Because don't we all have various bags that squirt?
@ 22: Right on. Bisexuality is not a Get Out of Jail Free card.

@25: I don't get the "who pays" issue, and I think Dan's answer was off the mark. Among same-sex couples that might work, but even today it's still far more common for men to ask women out (and women to wait to be asked out). It's hard to overcome that cultural programming. So by following his rule, the males will end up paying nearly all the time (and I'm betting even with same-sex couples the active/passive dynamic is pretty consistently lopsided in a lot of cases).

This is the 21st century. We're supposed to be all about equality. Unless it's a special treat (like one partner's birthday or promotion celebration or something) or there's a significant economic differential (one partner is in grad school, for instance), BOTH partners should split the bill. Anyone still fussing about that is unclear on the concept of feminism.

@ 34: We already have a word for that: "everyone". QUILTBAG is great, though.
@34: -_-
"the asker-outer pays. This applies to same-sex and opposite-sex asker-outers alike."

As a straight male, in the unlikely event that a woman asks me out on a date, there is no way, NO way, that I am letting her pay. Maybe we can split it, if she REALLY insists. But it makes no sense that I should treat someone who's done me the favor of asking me out worse than I'd treat someone I had to ask out.
I always thought the proper procedure is, assuming the date went well, a smile and a "That's okay, you can get the next one."
The other thing that is obnoxious about the Questioning scenario is the unspoken set of outcomes that come along with OMG-I-Might-Actually-Be-Gay. Let's bring it all to the surface:

"I am beginning to think I may actually be lesbian. I would like to have permission to go find out if I am in fact lesbian. If it turns out that I am, then in all probability I am going to divorce you in favor of a woman. But just in case I'm not actually lesbian, just curious, in the meantime I just want an open marriage."

This is not functionally substantially different from: "I just met this other guy. I'm so excited, he's so hot, I think he may be the love of my life. I'd like permission to go screw him for a while. If it turns out we are compatible, in all probability I am going to divorce you in favor of him. But just in case it doesn't work out, I'd like to keep you as an option, so in the meantime I just want it to be an open marriage."

He's your husband, not your god-damned backup plan.

If you are going to open your marriage, open it with the intent of preserving it, not with the intent of finding out if you don't actually belong in it. In this case that means that if you intend to open it to explore your lesbian side, you had better also open it to him, so that both of you are having the experience of going outside the relationship and then coming back to it, rather than him waiting at home for the other shoe to drop, for you to finally come back and announce that the marriage is kaput.
"Why do I pee when I try to make myself throw up?"

My answer is a question: Why are you trying to make yourself throw up?

I tend to avoid that activity at all costs.
And @13, I'm a scientist and I would say I'm pretty closed minded about a few things (Unicorns, fairies, God, superman, etc). :)
@41 (Science Nerd) I'm a scientist and I would say I'm pretty closed minded about a few things (Unicorns, fairies, God, superman, etc). :)

Really? If someone presented you with data suggesting the existence of unicorns, you'd reject it outright rather than doing some observations and experiments to test the hypothesis that unicorns might exist?

You're not much of a scientist, then. :)
I'm just amazed that nobody has figured out the Galactica reference yet.
I know I'm a few days late on this, but to the woman who thinks she may be Bi/Lesbian:
Thank your lucky stars that he's accepting enough for counseling. And if he's interested in an open relationship (or 3 somes) for you to experiment, great. BUT (and I can not capitalize that "but" enough), don't make any rash decisions until your child is at least a year and a half old. I'm a Bi woman; I was out for ten years before I married and had a child. Both my husband and I knew I was Bi, however I had no problems with monogamy. I was very attracted to him and had no problem living without having sex with ladies. But after I gave birth, I because much more fixated on women sexually. I fantasized about other women constantly, and my husband never. At one point he thought I had moved to being fully lesbian, and sat me down to talk about opening the relationship so I could have a woman I desired (I opted not to for a variety of reasons). I'm not sure if it was the hormones, or if my feelings toward my body had changed, or what it was.
My daughter recently turned two, and while I'm still Bi (of course), I'm now perfectly content and fantasizing about (and regularly enjoying sex with) my husband again. I'm still attracted to women, but just as before giving birth I'm more than happy to remain monogamous with my husband. So if he's fine with you experimenting (and he might be happier with the idea of a 3-some; you are still attracted to him too, right?), that's fine, but don't throw your marriage out quite yet. If you discover your Bi (or gay), take some time for your body/life to adjust before deciding to separate. And if he isn't open to being open, wait a while before you decide it's a deal breaker and you just HAVE to give women a try.
Regarding this:

"It's better to figure out your sexuality before you marry someone and have a child with him. Glad your husband is open to openness and open to counseling. Good luck."

I realize these answers are a bit tongue-in-cheek, but doesn't this fly in the face of the whole "female sexuality is fluid" notion? I mean... isn't it possible that this woman is just now questioning her sexuality because her sexuality has just now shifted a bit? And if her husband has an interest in fooling around with other people now and then (which is likely, what with him being male), then doesn't this present both of them with a convenient opportunity to become amicably monogamish?

Or am I off-base?
@39: Congrats on assuming stuff, you know what that makes you. I've never met a woman who asked me out on a date and wanted to pay the full tab herself. The people who insist that a woman who asks a man out should pay are NEVER EVER the women who actually ask men out: they're in my experience ALWAYS third parties. I see no reason why my hypothetical date and I should allow the "who pays" question to be dictated to us by ill-wishing third parties.
I'm the female scientist who asked the question about government issued IDs and sex changes. I knew that the way I felt had was illogical so I was looking for logical answers and that's what I received. Thank you 14, Kim in Portland, for giving me a full and complete answer. Thank you, Dan, for posting my question and getting people to think about hoe a wide range of biology has to be boiled down to M or F on government forms.
Ignorance isn't stupidity. Not asking questions leads to stupidity.
I'm the female scientist who asked the question about government issued IDs and sex changes. I knew that the way I felt had was illogical so I was looking for logical answers and that's what I received. Thank you 14, Kim in Portland, for giving me a full and complete answer. Thank you, Dan, for posting my question and getting people to think about hoe a wide range of biology has to be boiled down to M or F on government forms.
Ignorance isn't stupidity. Not asking questions leads to stupidity.