She acts like the failure of a fortysomething guy to consistently maintain a solid erection represents some kind of tragic failure? And she guilts him into not using pills? There's a problem here, all right, and it's not his.

A cock ring might help, too.

I think that the letter-writer deserves a compliment for "droopy sword of Damocles".

I guess I can see how two years is long term for this guy.

Could this challenge of his just be age related?

@4: no, it's not just "age-related". anthony quinn and tony randall had kids in their 80s. yes, i said tony randall.

@4, It just seems like there are a lot of guys his age in boner medicine commercials.
I guess one shouldn't believe everything in advertizing.

I mean Max, @5

My simple theory is gravity. You aren't fighting it in missionary or doggy.

I had this problem in my 20s when my erections could cut glass. Couldn't keep it going for the woman on top, but could for blow jobs lying down. I think the latter is more vigorous stimulation. It was a problem because the girl I was dating at the time "she only comes when she's on top". That song still bugs me.....

"I have tried boner pills and they worked but she doesn't want me to use them."

What...I don't even..../facepalm. So the problem was solved, but not the way she wanted it to be (which is, what, by the fairy of romance?), so she'd rather be miserable than screwed.

@4

I think it's long-term because they're planning to stay together, and anyway, two years does indicate a commitment that two weeks or two months does not.

Anyway, glad he found someone and hope it all works out well.

Can be age related.

Age related doesn't mean zero erectile functioning or problems in every situation, it means even in healthy males, by mid-life, some decline in erection in some contexts can occur at some times.

Keep up the boner pills! Be happy they don't give you the hiccups. (Don't ask.)

I wonder, does he act like the show's over just because he's lost his erection? Maybe he needs bring his perfectly erect fingers and tongue into play and make her forget that he ever needed a penis in the first place.

Dan, while the rest of your advice was sound, I want to point out that declaring that "an entire class of positions (girl-on-top generally)" don't work might not be fair to her, as a lot of girls (myself included), just by virtue of the way our genitals are positioned, can *only* come when we're on top.

I second @3. "Droopy sword of Damocles" is quite the turn of phrase.

LW: You can train your cock to like any position. All you need to do is associate that position with orgasms, and here's how you do it:

1. Fuck in missionary position. Get close to the "point of no return."
2. When you feel you're going to cum soon, roll yourselves over.
3. Cum to the glorious sight of your girlfriend's tits bouncing up and down.

Do this every now and then, and your cock will begin to associate "girl on top" with orgasms rather than anxiety.

+1 for cock rings!

Being less pressurey and more playful during sexplay helps too. So your boner looses pressure, NBD, take it out, play around some more in a different way, get hard again and keep having fun. Works for me when my hydraulics start to give out on me. Has a lot to do with the stimulation and types of external pressures going on.

Also, consider taking zinc pills as a regular supplement. Zinc is a precursor to testosterone and gives a little boost in the pants-region department. ;)

Perhaps the little blue pills make him last so long it's uncomfortable for her, but she doesn't want to bring up the possibility of lube or her own lack of stamina. Or maybe her being on top isn't so important to her. I could go the rest of my life without being on top and be a happy lady. Anyway, the point here is that more communication is key, along with all that other stuff that Dan suggested.

Go see a doctor. Having your lady sitting on you could possibly be blocking some blood flow.

Another +1 for a cockring. Two or three maybe, different kinds and see what works.

Kegal exercises might be helpful for her. I've had this happen to me when I've been on top and have found that if I do my kegals regularly, not only does this happen less frequently, but I am able to "stroke" my man using my kagels while on top. This drives him insane and I've made him come more than once with this method.

But I do agree with Dan's advice that they way she is handling this does not bode well for their relationship.

When this does happen to me and my boyfriend, we do as @12 suggested - more foreplay until he is excited and then we either try again or move to a different position.

It can't all be age-related, however. Even though my boyfriend is over 60, he is still capable of maintaining an erection without the pills. However, considering his age, I do welcome the pills when necessary.

Don't take it as a sign that there is something wrong with you. It just is. Now find a productive and fun way to deal with it.

Being a virgin until forty is not something that "just works out that way." Not for well adjusted people with even lower than average social skills and average libidos, sorry.

Something is up. And that something needs to be found, admitted to, and looked at very closely.

tkc/21: You know what, no. Your personal experiences do not define the bounds of normal. Quit trying to shame this dude for something he's at peace with.

Are they using condoms? The decreased sensation doesn't necessarily help any... it might be a good idea to look into a better condom as well, if they are indeed using condoms.

@18: That's exactly what I was thinking.

To the LW: My boyfriend is 25 and sometimes have a hard time maintaining an erection with me on top, just because the blood isn't flowing to his dick properly in that position. You know what we do then? We switch positions, or take a break and cuddle and make-out, or go to oral, and then when his dick is once again hard as a rock, I get back on top. You going limp doesn't have to be the end of sex, like Dan says, it's only as traumatic as you make it. Also you both need to remember that sex is not just about your dick. I'm sure your dick is a very pleasurable part of sex for the both of you, but it's not (or at least shouldn't be) the be-all-end-all of it.

To the LWs GF: Get over yourself. Guys go soft once in a while and it has nothing to do with you (unless you did something extremely unsexy, like vomit or bruise his testicles). Stop feeling guilty, and if you can't manage that, at least pretend like your not feeling guilty and stop acting like an insecure teenager. Don't put that burden on him.

What do you mean by “woman on top”? Is she on her hands and knees, on her knees, or squatting? These three different positions provide different ranges of movement and angles of penetration, so one might work better than another. She could even ride you with her back to you.

Also, whose hips are doing the moving? Hers, yours or both? If one option isn’t working, try another one.

Finally, if she’s on top she can grab the base of your cock or just squeeze it between two fingers.

Sex is supposed to be fun, but for some reason it’s harder to find a partner and harder to have fun than you’d think it should be. Dunno why that is. Don’t feel bad if it isn’t easy — it’s not easy for a lot of us. If tonight isn’t perfect, there’s always tomorrow morning.

And as with all other less-easy things, it takes time to get good at it. (In this case, “it” being knowledgeable and respectful of your own and your partners’ emotions and pleasure.)

Spend time hanging out with preschoolers. They are really good examples of people strongly aware of what they want and don’t want. It’s just about impossible to guilt a preschooler into pretending they’re ok with being hurt or being fed gross food, and they are extremely clear about the fact that they like candy and want some. Practice emulating them. Take a small child for a walk and take them seriously when they want to play in the water or scream and run away from the dog. Then go home and treat yourself just like you treated that kid, with respect and no guilt.

"Droopy sword of Damocles"? That is genius. If this man is half as spot-on and creative in bed as he is in type, then his significant other is one lucky lady indeed.

I admit I would have reservations about being with a guy using "boner pills" but that's because I have reservations about how they may well be fucking the guys body up in not-immediately-seen-ways. Of course, I'd be making that aspect of it clear and it'd still be his call, but I haven't to say I didn't see that being an issue till people brought it up here. Just to throw another perspective in.

Count me in as another one of those who really does much better on top. Something about the angle or whatever.

That all said, there's way more positions than missionary and ride'em cowboy. I would also suggest getting a book and working through a bunch of them. Who knows, maybe by the time you get back to her being on top, you'll figure out what's going on.

And yeah, she needs to stop blaming herself - all that's just going to go round and round and round and mess both of your heads up.

Fish oil. Fish oil, fish oil, fish oil. Also zinc, as someone mentioned previously. And of course Dan's advice is good. And get a Fleshlight to masturbate with, and not something super tight. I've heard the Wonder Wave is closest to the real thing. Everything Dan said was right; this will just give a little extra oomph without a prescription.

I don't get why she's freaked out about the pills. Seems like a logical step.

Another +1 for cock ring. And if you don't want to spring for one? Broccoli band. Yes, really. Buy a stalk of broccoli, take off the rubberband, wrap it around your cock, and - voila! Cock ring! Worked wonders for my man.

Girl on top has never really worked for me. Some women don't seem to have the thigh muscles to keep it going for long enough; others do, but the movement just doesn't quite work for me. They never get the position right (without fail my partners always try to sit too far forward). Or maybe the problem here is me! I dunno. Anyway. You're far from the only person who has ever had trouble with girl on top.
There are lots of other positions! Try on your sides. A personal favourite: her lying on her side, me kneeling between her legs. Her on her back, legs up, you on your side lying perpendicular to her... Losing the girl on top positions isn't the end of the world.

While it's true that it might just be age-related, I'm guessing it's not since he doesn't have this problem in every position.

I think he should concentrate on the sensation and not worry. The more he worries about his boner going away, the more likely he is to scare his boner away. Worrying is not boner-conducive. He needs to let go of that anxiety somehow.

My first advice: concentrate entirely on the sensation and on the visual. If watching her boobs bounce and feeling her pussy on your dick is not sufficiently distracting from your worrying, try turning on music, or having a drink or two (but no more, otherwise you could get whiskey dick), or maybe pot, if you're into that. Remember, you only have to succeed ONCE for you to have the confidence to know it can be done, since none of those things actually help your boner (unlike pills). But check the blood flow first.

"Droopy sword of Damocles" Hahaha ! I'll use that in my naughty pillow conversations, if the need arises.

@36: Or doesn't?

As a sexual educator, I can't stress enough that this may not be an issue of sensation - you can hear from his letter how mentally "amped-up" he is. Talking about "training the penis to like" this position, and "experimenting with kegels to improve his sensation" is exactly the kind of "you must not feel good enough to him" shaming that has inspired her negative response ("I must feel TERRIBLE inside if he needs PILLS just to get excited for me!").
The issue in these (VERY COMMON) cases is often psychological on behalf of the male - and not in a "I'm broken and need counselling" way. At some point, he entered a potentially subconscious negative reinforcement cycle based on the way an unrelated reaction of his body made his loved one feel. His brain, if not his conscious self, may be so worried about "ruining" such experiences that the pleasure cycle is subverted - and no amount of "strokage" or position change can re-excite the body after that sort of "failure", and the accompanying fear of judgement and hurt feelings.
One of the best ways to get past these issues is to have the support of one's partners in finding solutions that work. If she can get the positive reinforcement that this is not an issue of sensation or arousal, but a natural and blameless cycle of feedback they can overcome as a couple, perhaps she can allow them to utilise the pills, which boost his confidence until the situation no longer feels like a theatre of disappointment in which her lover must flounder.

Sorry @ 22- I'm with 21. A forty year old virgin is a man with a low libido; no rocket science involved. While he may be at peace with that (good for him), it indicates a lack of desire for sex, or at least sex with another human. No surprise that he's struggling with this.
I'm inclined to think this is mostly a gravity issue; it's much easier to keep a boner with your heart above said boner. Lying flat on one's back causes lower blood pressure to the critical area, and blue pills make up the difference.
The struggles they're having sound typical for a first-time relationship- more communication problem that actual physical issues. Good luck, LW- it will work itself out.

@ 40 Maybe he wanted it but couldn't get it due to being overweight or something like that.

I think the lady in question needs a crash course in how to handle a lost erection. As in, act like it's no big deal (because it usually isn't), ask him to get you off, at least maybe that activity will cause it to return, and go to bed. The next day, or in the next few days, it should be over. But instead, she freaked the fuck out. Guess what? Probably lots more limp dick.

I think LW should maybe examine more closely how he's handling this before we all pile on the GF. I'm happy to say I've never had erectile problems become a persistent relationship issue, but there was on potentially traumatic incident. My boyfriend and I had been having sex something like 3-5 times/day, and he was 35 y.o. at the time, so I was fairly impressed (with quality as well as quantity, I'm happy to say). So the 4th or 5th time one day we were about to go at it he didn't get hard. I just assumed we were about to go the cuddling/manual/oral route, when he panicked (which unfortunately he does very quietly) and did this weird distancing maneuver of taking out a book to show me. I pulled my clothes on, stormed out, stormed back in, made a scene, he thought I was freaking out because he at lost his boner instead of because - WTF??? You want to read a book while we're in the middle of having sex?

Fortunately, we finally calmed down enough for him to explain that he'd panicked because he couldn't get hard and for me to explain how stup- um, unreasonable I thought that was because he'd already abundantly proven his manhood. My point is that there are probably two sides to what exactly happens when they do the boner-killing her-on-top position and LW should consider what he might be doing that leads GF to feel that it's her fault, leading her to make him feel that it's his fault.

RE the self-blame: let's not demonize anyone here. A woman who is a 40-year-old man's "first" is likely to have a certain amount of her identity/ sense of her role within the relationship tied to being the special one, the saviour. Using pills to restore the boner means that she isn't special enough to restore the boner herself, which must be very scary for her. If she can't be the source of all wonderfulness, what's the point of the relationship?

They may need to work a little at disentangling, and relating as mature, independent adults, in situations where the saviour/ savee dynamic isn't being helpful any more.

While the presence of this dynamic means that neither of them is perfect (gosh!) it doesn't make anyone deserving of even mild finger-pointing. It's a common dynamic and it has its downsides. Learn them, learn to deal, move on.

She probably doesnt want him using pills because pills are bad for your liver and heart! Duh people

She probably doesn't want him using pills because they are bad for your liver and heart. Duh people!

@39--Sexual educator? In what form? Regarding the load of bullshit you just spewed, convoluted by your overuse of "quotation marks," I shudder to think about the educating you're doing. GAWD.

@22 Riiiight. It's shaming to examine ones health, life choices and relationship skills? Jesus.

The overwhelming majority of people have their first sexual experiences long before 40 yo. It's not my personal experience. It's simply a fact of fucking life. If anybody is projecting here it's people rushing to judge a person whose side of the story we have NOT heard.

Why he didn't have sex or a serious relationship until 40, and considers two years "long term", says a lot more than LW is admitting to. He doesn't need to be ashamed. But he needs to look at those two facts more than anything else here. Sorry. That's just the truth of it.

@39: the LW never said anything about Kegels or training his penis. You're the worst sex educator ever. Sorry, "sex educator."

Anyone else seeing the parallel to last week's letter about the shitty boyfriend who didn't want LW to use a vibrator, even though it was the only way she could get off?

If she needs to be on top to come, let her be on top to come. If he needs another position to come, take another position so he can come. Let him take boner pills. Stop freaking out. (If you were a boy, most of us would be calling you a macho douche-bag.)

40's can be a bitch on a dude's erection.

I've learned the "soft way" that I can't party too much anymore on a date night if I expect to stay up.

Things that can help:

* Men can do kegel's too (basically flexing and holding the same muscle that you'd use to stop urinating)
* Cock rings
* Drinking less, smoking less, doing any drugs less
* Exercise more, especially some basic weight lifting - makes you feel awesome and gets that testosterone pumping.
* Are you taking any medications? Some like adderall will put a real whammy on your dick
* Positions where you're cock is below your heart: hydraulics 101 - harder to pump blood up than down.

If your lady-friend can get over putting her insecurities onto you there are tons of sex acts you can try.

Also, if I was with a new woman the first thing I'd get her (if she didn't have them herself) would be a Hitachi Magic Wand and a good sized quality dildo. Even if she had one I'd probably still buy one just to let her know that I'm totally cool with toys.

You can still have an orgasm when only semi-hard if you crank it yourself. The combination of the tools and masturbation really come in handy.

Can anyone explain why Dan keeps suggesting reverse cowgirl specifically when LW doesn't include it? I've actually found this to be a position that has made an erection harder to maintain with many of the fellas I've been with. Girl on top is tricky. I get off easily up there but if I enjoy myself for too long, my current gets softer and I usually don't end up getting him off that way. If I focus on him from the get go, he can usually maintain and come. It certainly doesn't bother me, because he always makes sure I'm satisfied one way or the other, to my hearts content....

It can be 'hard' on the ego of both parties when a penis goes soft, depending on the situation surrounding the event(s). Logic dictates that it will almost invariably be more difficult for the male. We ladies need to remember that.

And #16, while I get what you're saying about the lube thing, if this woman is hung up on that too, I'd say that LW has a girl with more hangups than any man needs.

@48:

Why he didn't have sex or a serious relationship until 40, and considers two years "long term", says a lot more than LW is admitting to.

A couple things. Maybe he didn't have sex until 40 because he couldn't find any willing partners because he's fucking ugly (according to the normative beauty ideals that shape all of our perceptions about attractiveness), and sex isn't so important to him that he's interested in fucking people he doesn't find attractive or pleasant just because they're the few people who want to have sex with him. I've had sex with a handful of people, but I go years between 'serious relationships' and even hookups, and I wouldn't have been terribly shocked to find myself a 'virgin' (whatever the hell that means in a given context) at 40. I also have issues with the 'normal' way men tend to hit-on women, as it's frequently unwelcome harassment, which also limits my opportunities for sex - perhaps this guy has a similar perspective. So, yeah, if one isn't a sexually-aggressive douchebag and one isn't super-hot and one is only interested in sex with people one knows a bit and likes, I can definitely see how it might "just sort of [work] out that way" and not be a sign of a problem. Of course, I'm only guessing (and acknowledging that fact); you are most certainly projecting, as you don't have any more information than I, but are reaching a conclusion nonetheless.

As for his use of "long term", especially in light of his qualifier, I take it to mean that he's decided, as far as he's concerned, he's in the relationship for the long haul (however long that is) - that doesn't strike me as even remotely unusual after two years of dating at/around age 40 (actually, I've noticed people in their 30s and 40s and above often don't even wait that long to e.g. get married).

You're stating opinion and projection as "just the truth of it." Get over yourself (or don't, but please stop assuming that your personal perspective must the the only and correct one).

@21 and 40:
Maybe he had similar issues as VCARD a couple of weeks ago, who was in her late 20ies and wanted not to be a virgin anymore.
Go back to the comments there, and you'll see that there are a lot of people who for whatever reason do not have their first sex until their late 20ies or 30ies or even 40ies. It doesn't mean that they have a low libido: that's what masturbation is for.

She doesn't want him to use the pills?! I'm a 24-year-old, and am coincidentally dating a 42-year-old. Before he was with me, he was in a sexless relationship for years, and sometimes now he has trouble keeping it up. Because he has Viagara, we don't have to worry about it...instead, we can just focus on having amazing sex! Like other people have said, THAT'S THE AGE GROUP IT'S MARKETED TO. Use it; that's what it's there for!

#47 & #49, I think you may have misunderstood my sentiment. I was responding to the advice many people are giving the LW about ways to train sensation and improve feeling, and simply saying that this may not be simply a sensation based issue.
The numerous responses here that the LW needs to find ways to make sex "feel better" displays the societal attitudes that contribute to the wife's freakouts - that she just doesn't feel "good enough" to keep him aroused, thus necessitating a change in her performance to compensate. Sometimes the male body is unpredictable and will not respond to any amount of positive stimuli when under stress.
I'm not praising or condemning either one, but I have handled my fair share of critically depressed males who, when faced with that kind of advice, and fail to get results, wonder if there is something more deeply wrong with them, and can get so hung up on that cycle of failure and shame that their troubles become compounded.
My message: LW: don't lose hope, even if the advice on training sensation doesn't work and LW's SO: the loss of his erection is likely nothing personal, but if every time he "fails" it starts a shame spiral that he is responsible for, his aversion to hurting your feelings may eventually dig a deeper hole. I assure you, a short period of building his confidence up and taking these occurrences in good stride will do far more good than any other` form of therapy or medication.