SL Letter of the Day: Devoted Devotees

Comments

1
I've never heard the term "devotee" used to describe a fetish for disable people until yesterday's column.

I have to say I don't like it.
2
Huh.

Huh.

Ok, then.
3
@11, me neither--hearing about it before, I mean. I wonder about the etymology of the term, in this context.
4
I for one wasn't meaning to suggest that all devotees are like the one in the letter. More like, a person who is sufficiently captivated by their paraphilia that they would go behind their partner's back and betray them is probably more than a little out of control, and the partner has every reason to not trust them a second time. Once burned, twice shy, and all that. But then you could say the exact same thing about your garden-variety CPOS.
5
I have never in my life felt so fortunate to not be a lesbian in a wheelchair.
6
I don't understand why "devotees" are even an issue.

Let's say I'm attracted to women with nice asses. So I prioritize "nice ass" when selecting partners, but I also look for other qualities: humor, intelligence, nice tits, etc. All things being equal I'd prefer someone with a nice ass, but I'm not going to pass up a great gal just because her ass isn't amazing. And if I'm in a relationship with a woman with a nice ass, I of course appreciate her nice ass-- but that doesn't mean I don't also appreciate her humor, intelligence, tits, etc.

So what's the big deal if I replace "with a nice ass" with "in a wheelchair"? I don't see how the logic changes if the characteristic that winds my motor goes from something typical to something less typical.
7
Everyone needs to read The Other Side of Desire by Daniel Bergner. Dan has recommended it before which is how it ended up on my bookshelf. One of the stories is of a woman who lost her legs while trying to fix her car on the side of a highway in Texas. Eventually her husband left her and she felt nobody would ever love her. Finding devotees really gave her her life back.

Really, I'm surprised more people haven't read this book. I consider it a key element of my unofficial Dan Savage Book Club.
8
More recommended reading: "Maybe The Moon" by Armistead Maupin. It's based on the life of his friend Tamara Le Treux (sp?), the "little person" who brought E.T. to life.

The main character wrestles with the idea that only perverted, kinky fetishists find her attractive - and rationalizes that ANYONE who has a relationship with her will end up being labeled a perverted, kinky fetishist by definition. So she may as well just embrace being "kinky by definition" and just enjoy herself.
9
Agreeing with GGG. What the girlfriend in the original column did wrong was take unauthorized pics of her significant other and post them on the Internet for sexual purposes. Thats a dumpable offense for anyone.
10
@6 It can be tough to be loved for something that has given you a whole lot of trouble and that you've spent much of your life trying to transcend.

A nice ass is not a disability, it will not make your life more difficult, you might be proud of it or unaware of it or whatever, but you probably aren't *frustrated* about having a nice ass. It's not like having a nice ass prevents you from going anywhere or doing anything you'd wanted to do, nor does it hugely change how people perceive you. (And if for any reason you dislike having a nice ass, just buy ugly pants, problem solved.)

What if somebody liked you, in large part, because you had a lifelong physical or mental illness? Wouldn't that wig you out a little? Perhaps, with a lot of time and thought, you might conclude, "well, I've got this issue anyway, so at least my partner likes it," but that's not going to be everyone's conclusion.
11
@6, I'm able-bodied, so I can't answer the question the way others can. But it might have something to do with a perceived power dynamic. Having a nice ass doesn't keep a woman from doing anything she likes--except maybe walking down the street sans wolf whistles.

Being in a wheelchair, or having CP, or being blind, *does* create some limitations for people. Though most devotees are just people who, as you say, have a particular taste, for others there may be the wish to 'take care of' the disabled person. And that can be pretty infantilizing for the object of their desire. As seen above, a few of these types can make a bad name for the majority of devotees.

I hope that I haven't completely mischaracterized the issue, and I'm sure I've missed many nuances. But that's my take.
12
I love that it takes all kinds to make this world. These kinds of letters make me so happy.
13
...so, yeah, in fewer words, the difference isn't how *you* feel about her sexy attributes, the difference is in how *she* feels about them (which, obviously, will vary from person to person).
14
I have never heard of "devotee" either till this. Um, speaking as a deaf bi woman, I have to say that ppl like this skeeve me out completely.

Sorry, folks. I'd rather someone liked me for me.
15
@6 I don't know either. I don't know why being attracted to people with disabilities is a "fetish," but my lifelong penchant for girls with short hair and small breasts isn't. Neither of them is really "fetish-y," it's just a type thing.
16
@10: Very well said.

@7: It's true--it's nice to feel desired. But it would be hard to feel loved by a devotee.
17
@15, see @10.

Also, it's very common for disabled folks to be the target of predators -- it's no accident that the rate of sexual abuse of disabled children is significantly higher than of non disabled children. That's why alarms set off in my head when I see that someone is more interested in my disability [not so much that *I* see this as a disability, but I have to acknowledge everyone else does] than in me. There's a long history of problems with that.
18
It's understandable that people with disabilities would be irritated with or wary of devotees. It's similar to the frustration that many Asian women feel about men who fetishize them because of the misconception that they will be "docile". Even if most devotees aren't consciously attracted to the perceived helplessness of people with disabilities, if I had a disability I'd steer clear, just to be safe.
19
Yet another instance of a fetish subculture that is perfectly fine under the right conditions and hella skeezy and exploitative under the wrong ones.

And yet another instance of a fetish subculture that is perfectly fine and free to exist, I just don't really want to have to think about it.
20
@15: There is a difference between attraction and fetish. If you are attracted to people in wheelchairs, you can still fall for someone not in a wheelchair, if you have a fetish for people in a wheelchair, you just don't find people not in a wheelchair attractive.
21
@6 I think it's because we as a culture have bought the whole romcom "inner beauty is the only real beauty" bullshit hook line and sinker. We are all led to believe that being attracted to someone's physical traits is wrong, and therefore fetishes based on "superficial" qualities things like race, asses, disabilities, even body shapes are wrong because they aren't based on the "real" person inside.

How many times have you seen the plot where the unbelievably hot woman gets upset because her string of hot boyfriends only want her for her body, and then she meets the fat schlub of her dreams with the really good sense of humor? Now walk down the street and see how many superhot women have ugly boyfriends(who aren't rich or powerful)? They exist but in far fewer numbers than Hollywood would have us believe. Same for the reverse situation, ditto for same sex couples too.

That's not to say emotional compatibility isn't important, as our own Dan Savage says we get into relationships with people because we are attracted to them both physically AND emotionally, the reason "chasers" get such a bad rap is that our culture says only the latter should matter....
22
@10 - I think you put that very well. I see this as similar to my attraction to transwomen. True, that's not a disability, but it does affect how people see someone and respond to them. It can make them very vulnerable as well.

I'm a cis-gendered bi-female and for awhile, I thought I was attracted to women who just happened to be trans. It took a few instances for me to realize that was part of the attraction - and it does border on fetish for me. But that's not the whole of the attraction for me either and I would never exploit or consciously harm them (or anyone else, for that matter).
23
This was also the first time I heard the term "devotee" but I have heard of people who have a fetish for disabled people, or amputees. One can still learn...

I just want to point out that many people into non-disabled people have posted pics of their SOs on the internet without their SO's knowledge. That makes anybody a dirtbag, not just a devotee. I think this topic has been covered in Dan's columns involving straight and gay couples, has it not? What I do find odd, for some reason, is that a woman is doing it. Seems like it would be far more common among men. Sorry if that sounds sexist.
24
@3 - I've always assumed it was D - votee, the 'D' standing in for Disabled. I always liked the term, mostly because I think it's pretty clever (as subculture group names go).
25
@1: "I have to say I don't like it."

Yup. It seems a strange dehumanizing mix of exotification and the "feeders" fetishization of control.

I don't care about devotees who say that they're healthy, I'd be more impressed with someone with disabilities who's in a long-term relationship with one to speak about the phenomena.
26
Everyone should see "The Station Agent," in which the great Peter Dinklage plays the most boring, least social person you can imagine. Yet everyone he meets expects him to be fascinating and special, because he's a dwarf.

Some people who have disabilities identify themselves much more strongly with other aspects of their personality and experience. If you're a musician who happens to have CP, and someone is more fascinated by your CP than your music, that's gross and objectifying. It denies your full personhood.

Other people with disabilities are the kind of people who, if they weren't disabled, would be interested in liminality and outsiderness anyway. My ex would have been a goth even if he hadn't been a gimp, and his gimpiness became him. He thought a lot about it and wrote a lot about it. I didn't have to "see past" his disability because it was one of the salient parts of his multifaceted self, and we could enjoy it together.
27
@10: A nice ass is not a disability, it will not make your life more difficult, you might be proud of it or unaware of it or whatever, but you probably aren't *frustrated* about having a nice ass.

I'm sorry, but as a Sir-Mix-a-Lot fan of Big Butts, you are patently wrong about this. There are a lot of women who have very big bootys they are very frustrated and unhappy with. I have dated many of them, precisely because I like big butts and that was the initial attraction (the thing that got me to say hello).

I am the child of a CP mother so I understand very well the dynamics people are speaking about - particularly regarding the frustrations of getting people to see beyond the disability - and that is not really quite the same as a 'big butt' but it's also not completely different. We all have physical attributes - ones we aren't happy with - that do in part define us. Part of growing up and being a mentally healthy person is learning to accept ourselves - official disability or not - the good and bad.

I think the relevant point is: while that initial, "objectified" attraction may be one-dimensional, there are plenty of otherwise unattractive women who I don't date and vice-versa. I don't really grok why a disability is necessarily different - it's an unalterable physical attribute...at some level, so long as respect and consideration are given, it's not any different than a genetically big ass.
28
At first, it is difficult to see much difference between "I like chicks with one leg" and "I like chicks with giant tits," or "I like Asian chicks," or "I like blonde chicks." On the surface, they are all just about a preference for a type of partner. But there are deeper issue around devotees because, as far as sexuality and perceptions of sexuality go, there is a difference between disability and other physical characteristics.

Persons with a disability are often perceived as non-sexual beings. The more severe the disability, the more pervasive this perception becomes, and it tends to be even stronger for women. It can be very challenging for women with disabilities to find people - particularly men - who will see past the disability and view them as potential romantic and sexual partners.

"Well then," I hear some of you saying, "These women should be thrilled to find a devotee!" Not so much - this just flips the coin from "You are in a wheelchair, therefore you are not a sexual being," to "You are in a wheelchair, therefore you are my perfect sexual being." They can't get laid, because they are in a chair, unless they are getting laid only because they are in a chair. It's still all about the disability, and not about them.

Added to this is a whole fucked-up power dynamic where the man feeds off the woman's disability and dependence as an aspect of their sexuality. A woman who works daily to transcend her disability - and more importantly, to transcend the perceptions others have about her disability - is asked by her sex partner to embrace those perceptions.

I know a little about this. My first wife was a wheelchair user and my current wife is visually impaired. I am not a devotee - but I am open to being with a person with a disability, and I am able to perceive them as romantic and sexual partners equal to all the other romantic and sexual partners I have had who have not had a disability. It is that openness - being perceived as a potential romantic and sexual partner, not as either asexual or as a fetish object - that women with a disability are looking for.
29
I think it's "Devotee"," as in "devoted."
I also recommend "The Other Side of Desire," by Bergner, which is a very interesting book about paraphilia. The chapter about the amputee delves into the disabled/devotee dynamic from both sides of the relationship.

Many are pointing out that GIMP's erstwhile girlfriend's devotee fetish is separate from the insensitivity and selfishness she showed by taking and posting the photos, and say that this is no different than any other boyfriend or girlfriend abusing trust and betraying his/her partner by violating their privacy, but I disagree: GIMP's gf took photos of her fetish object--the woman *in the wheelchair,* sometimes without showing her face. I believe that this was at least as much an attempt to protect her gf's privacy as it was a revelation of what she finds hot--which is the very thing that GIMP is disturbed by in general: She has had reservations about dating a devotee, and the gf waited a while to disclose that fact, which almost made GIMP break up then and there.

In short, this woman met her gf under false pretenses, won her trust, later revealed herself to be something that GIMP deliberately avoids, and took pictures of her that clearly fetishize something about the lw which she doesn't like, is frustrated by and *doesn't want to be fetishized for,* and then posted the photos, without the lw's knowledge. It's a worse betrayal that the already awful one of posting sexual (or any) photos without consent.

I don't like my big ass, though others do--and I'm damn appreciative of that when it comes to relationships and sex--it's a totally different thing. And even if it may be the feature that first attracts men to me, they don't need to lie to me, they don't identify as part of a group that exists to talk about what it means to be a big-ass lover, they don't see themselves as special or those of us with big asses as somehow special. They don't get sexually attracted to something that is external to me and that I wish didn't have to come between me and direct life experience. I get the analogy, but it's a poor one.
30
I'd like to hear from a devotee or two about WHY they're attracted to a certain disability. I mean, how does the attraction manifest itself? Is it the care-taking part of it? Does it make you feel needed? Or can it be that they're vulnerable or even helpless? Are you sexually attracted to certain atrophied bodyparts? I don't mean to sound cold, just trying to understand. As the mother of a kid in a wheelchair, this alarms me and gives me hope at the same time.
31

I am also wary of folks who call themselves "devotees."

While I feel bad for GIMP & the way she was used, it might be useful to her & to others in similar situations (people who are physically unusual in any way) to explore how resistance to the devotee phenomenon can be self-defeating.

There may be some corollary to Dan's kink-karma rule (reject the honest foot-fetishist, wind up with the closet necrophiliac) at play here.

If you reject devotees who are honest & disclose, for whom the attraction to your (whatever) is part of - but not the whole story of - their attraction to you, and you may wind up with a dishonest closet case.

32
#31: "it might be useful to her & to others in similar situations (people who are physically unusual in any way) to explore how resistance to the devotee phenomenon can be self-defeating."

Well that's a fucking terrible assumption. Why doesn't someone tell her why she should sit back and be exotified?
33
I think the name started off as kind of a linguistic joke: D-votee (D for disabled), devotee to rhyme with amputee. And there's a social "hierarchy" among this subculture, too -- Pretenders, Wannabes, and Devotees. PWD (after Persons With Disabilities). I'm a word nerd and I actually think it's kind of clever. I'm not part of this community, so my knowledge is pretty limited. But that's what I've been told.
34
@30 - "I'd like to hear from a devotee or two about WHY they're attracted to a certain disability."

Then maybe go ask some gay guys why they're attracted to men, or why some people are attracted to blonde hair?
35
Let's say you are a women for whom a wheelchair is what big butts are to @27. You meet someone who is smart, interesting, emotionally compatible, whatever, who also has this attractive attribute you are looking for. Midway through your first date she mentions that she avoids people who are attracted to one of her most salient physical characteristics - she wants to be liked for herself and she doesn't want to be infantilized. "No problem," you think, "I like you for yourself and I have no desire to infantilize you." Nine months later, nine months of acknowledging her competence, autonomy, and general niftiness, you think there's enough between you - maybe she also appreciates your niftiness as a person - that you can come clean.

Oops.

Being unable to move one's limbs is going to be a non-issue for a vanishingly small number of potential partners. Some people will find that trait a deal-breaker, others will eroticize it, but I doubt you can find anyone who's indifferent to it. Selecting for people who are willing to pretend they are indifferent to it seems like a sure road to betrayal and disappointment. The GF was set up.

Meanwhile, since when are clothed, faceless, unposed photographs of a person so proprietary that you can't post them to the Internet? Photos of almost everyone have made it to the Internet and, if you have an easily fetishized trait (which practically everyone does), someone somewhere is beating off to YOU right now.
36
I want to toss in an answer for what traits of disabled women work for me. I like amputees - one armed women are probably my favorites, but someone on crutches wigs me out, too. Several that I have known have been together women who could do darned near everything, so for me, "being needed" is not part of it. I also want no power or control over my partner - I want her to want to climb my bones. I do focus some on the residual limb, but not remotely to the exclusion of other fun body parts. And like some have said, I remember this extra level of interest starting well before puberty, and then going sexual. I was in a 15-year relationship until my wife passed away, and she was beautiful, too. Next time, I would like to see if I can find a nice, open amputee to see if the parts fit just that 5% better.
37
I want to toss in an answer for what traits of disabled women work for me. I like amputees - one armed women are probably my favorites, but someone on crutches wigs me out, too. Several that I have known have been together women who could do darned near everything, so for me, "being needed" is not part of it. I also want no power or control over my partner - I want her to want to climb my bones. I do focus some on the residual limb, but not remotely to the exclusion of other fun body parts. And like some have said, I remember this extra level of interest starting well before puberty, and then going sexual. I was in a 15-year relationship until my wife passed away, and she was beautiful, too. Next time, I would like to see if I can find a nice, open amputee to see if the parts fit just that 5% better.
38
@30 - "I'd like to hear from a devotee or two about WHY they're attracted to a certain disability. I mean, how does the attraction manifest itself? Is it the care-taking part of it? Does it make you feel needed? Or can it be that they're vulnerable or even helpless? Are you sexually attracted to certain atrophied bodyparts?"

For reference - I'm the devotee who wrote the response to Dan that is signed E.

I don't know why I am attracted to men who are amputees, I just am. For me it feels like a sexual orientation more than a physical type. I have a type of guy I like (athletic, tall, blue eyes) in addition to liking him to be an amputee. I am not interested in care taking, my husband is independent and does not need me for any physical assistance. I want to be needed but I don't think my desire for that is more than any other woman. I have never thought of my husband as vulnerable or helpless - he is neither of those things. I am attracted to him because of both his personality as well as what his body looks like. Devotees that are into the types of disabilities that result in atrophied limbs are attracted to them. I am specifically only attracted to amputees so instead of atrophied limbs I like an amputees stumps.

Please realize that devotees are not attracted to a person just because of their disability they are attracted to the whole person, both their physical body as well as their personality. I hope this clarifies some things for you and am encouraged that you are open to learning about devotees instead of having the typical kneejerk reaction of assuming devotees are to be avoided.

39
I always find it funny when I hear another disabled person say I just want them to like me for who I am. As if a devotee is incapable of that. I am a double above knee amputee, I lost both of my legs in Iraq when an IED blew up next to me and taking my legs with it instantly.

I had plenty of success dating women who just liked me for being me, however I don't know if they ever thought I was sexy. Ya we had sex, but I know I had sex with people I wasn't really attracted to in my past so it wasn't hard to see a girl I was with doing the same.

I am now happily married to a devotee who likes me for who I am, and finds me sexier than any other man she has ever been with.

@10 I agree liking a nice ass isn't comparable to a devotee and their sexual preference whether it is liking an amputee for their stumps or a paraplegic for their stillness or the tons of other examples that could be listed. It is more like a gay male finding men attractive. No devotee I have ever talked to just decided to become a devotee and have this attraction. I can't say I'm completely secure with my disability, but I think disabled people who have a problem with devotees are generally very disturbed by their own physical disability/deformities and could never imagine why someone would be attracted to their disability that has caused so much pain and misfortune in their life. I also don't think the mental illness example applies at all in this case.

For the record being a devotee of the disabled doesn't mean that they can't or don't date/love/marry able-bodied people.
40
Part of the distaste about devotees seems to be the abelist perspective that there's something "wrong" with a person who has a disability so it's really sick to like something that's "bad" or "wrong" according to society.

I also agree that it's a stupid word for it. As a dev, I wish there were a better word!

For those who want to understand the why, often there is none.

As one of the letter writers said, I've had it since I was a small child. I have no idea where it came from or why. I'm not a particularly nurturing person and I like disabled guys who are strong, capable, and able to provide for me. I was not abused, had no experiences with disabled people as a child, none of that. There is no why.
41
I'm engaged to a devotee and have been for quite some time. I initially found out about devotee's when I was in my early 20's, I was initially completely skeeved by the idea. In the years since I have come to realize a few things. The most important of which is that the reason I was so skeeved was because I could not see myself as sexual, sexy or beautiful as a WHOLE human being. I had been in 3 relationships all of which were "despite" the fact that I am a double leg amputee. They didn't find me completely sexy, why should I? How could I? I had been bullied, teased and treated like crap since grade school. A boy in 4th grade even said "no one is ever going to want to f*&K a no legged ugly b*tch like you". Yeah... 4th grade. Things like that tend to stick with you.

It wasn't until I accepted myself as a sexy, whole and complete human being that I began to rethink the idea of dev's. It was actually with their help (and a lot of self work) that I began to see myself as WHOLE and SEXY.

In previous relationships guys would avoid my stumps like they were some kind of plague. Now my whole body is treated like a Goddess, as it should be with every woman/man.

Yes my being an amputee initially attracted my Dev to me and his being a Dev initially attracted him to me.. but they were initial attractions. We established a relationship, a friendship via the net and the phone and took it from there. Then we decided to meet. Once we met it was like kismet. The physical attraction was immediate (at least for me). Our relationship is sustained by our mutual love of music, all things Sci-Fi, being total geeks, love, trust, respect, honesty, laughter, communication and loyalty. And a million other things that go into a functioning relationship of any kind.

I am not dependent on him and he is not dependent on me. I don't "need" him and he doesn't "need" me. Yet we DO need each other as all human beings need someone in their lives.

There are bad apples out there are there are true gems who are honest, loyal, loving, generous, and everything you want in a lover and a best friend.

@14 - my Dev does love me for me.. For ALL of me.. not despite a part of me. It makes a world of difference in everything.

@16 - why would it be hard to feel loved by a dev? My Dev loves my brain, my laughter, my smile, the fact that I can cook and he can't, and yes, my stumps. I LIKE that he likes my stumps. I like to have them touched and caressed. I hated that for most of my life they were ignored like the plague.

42
@ Portland Scribe. I will describe MY attraction to you (I cannot speak for all "devotees")
Let's start with a comparison.Why are some attracted to "curvy girls"
Is it that they're squishy? They just look good when they move? Does it remind you of an old babysitter you had? Probably all of/ or a few of the above. Why are some people "gay" or attracted to anyone? It's an elusive answer.
I am a female, attracted predominantly to men with disabilities....I don't know WHY.
But my first fantasy was when I was a pre-teen about a guy in a wheelchair. I used to imagine we'd become great friends, we'd fall in love, I would imagine helping him transfer into bed and such but I wasn't overly obsessed with "caretaking". (I do tend to be a very caring person in general, however)
And that is what I find sexy for some reason. With the partners with disabilities I've had, I find it sexy/ romantic/ attractive to help them move their bodies while we are being intimate, I like taking direction (not in an overly submissive way...) on what works best for them. And I love looking at, touching and appreciating their bodies.
WHY? I don't know. But the above is how I experience my attraction.
43
@ Portland Scribe
I am a female devotee and am attracted to men with disabilities.
I will describe MY attraction to you (I cannot speak for all devotees)
First, lets start with some comparisons. Why would one be attracted to "curvy' girls? Is is that they're squisy? like the way they move? Or do they remind you of a babysitter you had?
Why is someone attracted to anyone...the answer is often elusive.
WHY am I attracted to men with disabilities? I don't know.
But I will describe how I experience my attraction.
When I was a pre teen, I started imagining that I would meet a boy in a wheel chair, we would talk and share secrets, and fall in love. I would transfer him out of his chair in my fantasies and we'd make out...but I wasn't overly obsessed with "caretaking" (I do tend to be a caring person however)
This is how I experience my attraction. I find it sexy/ attractive/ romantic to help them move their bodies while we are being intimate. I enjoy taking direction (not in an overly submissive way) about how to help them or make them physically comfortable and paying special attention on an area with more/ less sensation. I enjoy touching, looking at and appreciating their body. I enjoy when they pleasure me and appreciate my body in return, and I enjoy assisting them to physically pleasure me (hand over hand) if they are unable.

WHY? I have no clue. But disability is a natural part of the human experience so It's natural for there to be people that are attracted to sexual relationships with people with various physical challenges. Aaaand. I am only interested in people where there is mental connection as well.
44
I am mentally & physically disabled, and married to a man who has more severe physical disabilties than I do. I joke that we are each other's "devotees". I care for him physically, and he cares for me mentally. We take care of each other, financially. And the service dog takes care of us both, just as we do for him. It's true that I may have started dating him, in part, because "he couldn't run away," and I get some perverse satisfaction out of being the "devoted homemaker/breadwinner/caregiver," but mostly I just love him, for who he is and for his equal devotion to me. I think it started out as kind of a kinky "devotee" little fling -- a cheap, hot, spur-of-the-moment date -- but, 11 years into the relationship, I know there will never be anyone else for me.
45
The distaste for a devotee is not coming from the fact he likes what is unusual. The bad reputation is coming from the experiences of disabled people themselves, for not being considered as an individual but all through out just an object of his desire, never a woman he loves, never a woman he will respect, and the relationship will not go past beyond the disability. It always boils down to a disabled person's inability to be an equal partner. Most devotees are highly educated it will surprise you how can they act otherwise, but intelligence is not the same as morality. They say that they have this urge to take care of someone, but it's all power play. Who is the strongest, who is the needing, who will be depending and then the abuse comes later. There is nothing wrong for a man to like me for my small legs, or my brown hair as long as he will not be using it all the time against me. And yes, there are several types of abuse it's not always physical. All what disabled people wants from the start even from a lover or from the rest of the society is to be treated equal. Not because we have bad legs, we can never think and will never hurt. Not because there are few normal person to desire us, you can just think posting our videos and photos ( abusing our vulnerabilities ) is ok.