I was a bit surprised the answer did not include one word about the not-insignificant risk of him contracting various STDs, putting the LW at risk as well. Many people seem to think that since you can hardly contract HIV through oral sex (it's possible, but chances are very small), it is generally safe, but that's not true - Syphilis, Gonorrhea and others can all be transmitted this way.

Dan, you're so wrong here. Blowing other guys is a pretty typical thing for, like, 99.9% of straight guys. She shouldn't worry about it. It's like shaking hands with a firm grip and looking the other guy in the eye. It's just the way straight guys are.

So, if possible, she should renew her vows and get super double-married to her totally not gay or bi husband.

@2,
Don't forget playing lots of golf. All that club swinging is just practice for the real thing. Like a batter warming up.

Sounds super old school monogamous. Fake?

@2:

Not Dan.

If your husband wasn't hard the entire time he was taking another woman out to dinner, before they went back to a hotel for the night, would that then not be an affair?

Flaccidity part of the time - never mind the fact that your anonymous source may have just been telling you what you clearly desperately wanted to hear - doesn't mean it wasn't "sex for the sake of sex," which is, sorry, basically the only kind of sex that oral sex can be.

Anyway, none of the excuses matter; he was hiding a risky behavior from you, and he's either a big fat liar or a big fat self-deluded closet case. It's time to let the denial go and DTMFA, OSM.

The husband clearly has denial issues.

But unless I'm reading the response wrong, it seems to boil down to "He's cheated on you before, and he's going to do it again. DTMFA"

Maybe the letter writer wants to divorce him, and if she does, then, well, good for her, but isn't there a bit of room to work on these issues before doing that? Or is infidelity so exacerbated by closet concerns that it's always a deal-braker? I dunno, it just seems a little harsh, even angrily so, and definitely counter to the spirit of a lot of advice in the past. (Contrary enough to overlook that it's someone else giving the advice and they may have a different take, even.)

I think that if OSM were indeed a confirmed OSM, for whom the only possible advice is DTMFA, she would have already D(ed)TMFA. Since she hasn't, she's faced with a choice you didn't elaborate: Embrace, understand, & forgive. If she can come to understand that bisexual cocksucking hubby was acting out of fucked-up societal notions of LGBT-shaming, forgive the very real betrayal he inflicted on her, and embrace loving her cocksucking bi-hubby, there's a chance for them.

Agree that the advice seems a bit harsh if he hasn't been out blowing dudes since they got married. You could always try putting on a strap-on and telling him he's gonna suck your dick. Might spice things up a bit.

8 & 9: Hubby has had not one or two, but a string of blow job dates. He didn't confess to her, he got caught. He's still lying (possibly to himself too) about his sexuality.

He's not honest, he's not respectful, and he's not faithful (when sexual fidelity is part of their agreement). Why should she stay married to this clown?

@5: the shame!

Hmmm, well, the LW is a straight, old-school monogamist, and her husband is either bi or gay and into infidelity. Doesn't sound like the best match. He can't change his sexual orientation, and he probably won't stop having sex with other people, especially if he's particularly "fixated" with something he can't get at home. The only thing that could save this marriage is a fundamental shift in the LW's old-school monogamist philosophy, but why go through all that soul-searching and transformation for someone who lied to you? I say DTMFA.

As Oscar Wilde said, "Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.”

Your hubby probably gets off on the psycho-sexual power dynamic of blowing another man. Pretty understandable. It's similar to the 'high-powered corporate exec" who gets professionally dominated... it's living life on the flipside for a bit, a release of responsibility.

Mr. Bering is right that there is about zero chance he will want to stop blowing guys. But the advice to DTMFA is a bit harsh, esp. because OSM doesn't seem too terribly worried about it.

I agree with @1: STD infections are a critical piece of this! Is he being safe? Is he so closetted about his behavior that he is taking risks with both your health? Sure sounds like it.

Time for: Old School Open Communication to commence!
He needs to be more open about his desires (it's totally ok for straight-identified guys to want to suck cock); and the both of you need to have some solid conversations about this. Can you live with him doing this periodically? What are your emotional and physical safety needs? Etc.

You may want to explore couples therapy if it is a tough nut to crack. Remember, if you don't address this, the cost may be your life together. Good luck.

Looking at the letter, I'd like this sentence clarified before I can understand the situation better:

Recently it has come to light that he engaged in a string of same-sex one-night stands.

I realize I'm all naive and stuff, but I'm trying really hard here not to jump to conclusions based solely on my own sexual orientation and experience. It would help to know how many guys, how recently, and what else was going on at the time. Was he going through some conscious self-discovery thing, and a lot of drugs, in college? Was he single? Is he actually attracted to guys? I realize it's a really slim chance, but maybe it was just a phase, much rarer than the lesbian-only-in-college phenomenon, but theoretically possible.

This is a tough one. It's hard to advise someone to take a one-in-a-million bet on a guy's sexuality, and the smart money says to DTMFA. But, unless he's caught in flagrante delicto or passing on an STD, or cops to his own bisexuality, there's a tiny sliver of chance that it was... nah. Never mind.

The subtext of this response is "If you aren't as huffy and petulant about your husband's cheating as I am, there's something wrong with you."

The LW didn't even ask how she should respond to infidelity, if in fact that's what occurred here. Ultimately, it's up to her to decide what this particular infidelity means, and like of a lot of healthy, secure, mature adults, she may decide not to blow it out of proportion, despite the pressure from our culture and substitute advice columnists to do so.

As for her actual question about hubby's sexuality, he might be bisexual, or his fixation on dicks just might be in a category all of it's own. To get the honest truth from him, she'd need to convince hubby that she'd accept him either way.

Wasn't this guy on Interior Therapy with Jeff Lewis on Bravo a few months ago? He collected a bunch of various penis' but claimed he's straight? British guy? I'm the only one who watches Bravo....aren't I?

I think most of you are missing something here, but I don't care. I've been reading the comments on an article over at Huffington Post and coming back to Slog is like sitting down with a bunch of fucking Nobel laureates in comparison. So thanks.

@16, I believe what you are reading as a huffy tone is probably intended to shake OSM out of the state of hyperanalytical denial she's pretty obviously in about her husband's sexuality. There's no "fixation" that comes from porn-based neurosis here; the husband just likes blowing dudes.

However, it is true that she never explicitly says he cheated or that these incidents were during their marriage. If they weren't - if she's still fairly secure in their monogamous relationship - then they still need to at least set this theoretical issue straight (so to speak) between them for her peace of mind.

No, I get the huffy tone too. In fact, the response seems weirdly hostile to the LW -- calling her a sucker, telling her that her four years of happy marriage "only ever really existed in your head," laced with sarcastic jabs like "This may come as a surprise to you..."

Come on, where's the sympathy? What OSM is going through right now is really shattering. Sure, she sounds like she's in a little bit of denial, but she's basically trying to find compassion and empathy for her husband. That's not something she deserves a tongue-lashing for! Jesse Bering should've at least directed her to one of the support websites for straight wives of gay men, like straightspouse.org. I found that in ten seconds of Googling. And if I were a professional advice columnist, I would've put at least five minutes into the search.

This answer was lazy and unkind. The LW deserved better.

It's possible to be soft while performing oral just from exertion or awkward angles. As a straight male, I find that my tongue and jaw tend to compete with my penis as far as blood supply goes.

If the string of one-night stands happened before you established a monogamous relationship: maybe he's bi and you could save the marriage by opening it up or indulging in fantasy play.

If the string of one-night stands happened after you established a "monogamous" relationship: he's been lying to you and putting you (and possibly your kids) at risk with dishonest behavior. DTMF.

Bring Dan back. This guy sucks. He needs to stick to writing about penis shape. His response wreaks of some cock-obessed homo projecting his own super gay yearnings onto the situation. Dan, though gay, is smart enough (usually) not to fall into that trap. He recognizes that a breed of straight dude exists that has a penis fixation. Hence, the niche of transexual porn. It ain't the homos watching chicks with dicks. It's straight dudes.

@20: straight wives of gay men

Curious - how many of these women would claim they had an "active and what has appeared to be a mutually satisfying sex life" with their gay husbands?

I guess it's possible the wife is inexperienced and doesn't know what a real sex life looks like, but assuming she does, I don't think a gay man could pull this off, any more than I could pull off years of hot sex with a dude. Or?

For this reason, I just assumed he's bi, which isn't quite as disastrous for their marriage.

@19 I got a bit of huffiness out of the response too.

Now, the hubby may like blowing dudes. But, really, dumping him is a bit extreme. He was probably embarrassed, and may or may not have fully threaded it into his personality.

LW, your husband may be having a bit of a crisis. Talk to him about it. And, even though he wronged you, a lot, try not to be angry with him until you get the facts. And not this bullshit, "I'm fascinated with cock" fact.

It might mean that he's bi. It might mean that this is an open up the relationship or DTMFA situation. You say you've had an active sex life, so it isn't that he's neglecting you. But, maybe he just needs some dick on the side. If you find that intriguing, roll with it, and forgive him his transgressions while you guys worked it into your identity. If you're not cool with non-monogamy, then its either live with a closet case who will be cheating on you, or DTMFA. Because, he will cheat again.

Also, it is OK for you to be angry. You were cheated on, and he lied to you. A lot. But, approaching him with an angry tone will probably make him retreat deeper into the closet and lead to him lying and cheating more. If you want to work with him on it, go right ahead...but the angry tones are probably going to not get the right results.

I'm reminded of an NYT column where a woman lived with her husband's infidelities during his mid-life crisis, realizing it wasn't about her so much as it was about him. And the marriage survived because she realized it. His lying and cheating probably isn't about you. It's about him.

If I was married to a man, I would want him to be a cock sucking tramp too! sounds like fun,

She's had "two difficult pregnancies." Was her husband a good and supportive companion throughout? Is he a good father? You people are surprisingly quick to dismiss the importance of marriage; it's not just about sex.
Dear OSM, like it or not, this guy is likely going to be in your life at least for the next 2 decades, until the kids are grown. If you enjoy the quantity and quality of sex with him, and he's good in the other facets of marriage, you may want to stay with him, but then there need to be some major rearrangements in how both of you view sex. He is likely bi, and that's not going to change. To stay together, you are likely going to have to change your ideas about "old-school" monogamy, he is likely going to have change how often he blows dudes, use protection if he does it, and most of all be honest with you about it. Hie thee to a sex-positive couples therapist.
....or DTMFA, but be prepared for a 2-decades-long fight over child support.

If no one else is going to say it, then I'm going to say it...

This is hillarious, and needs to be made into a comedy sketch ASAP

"Unless your husband has a rare case of OCD manifesting into truly the most unfortunate obsessive compulsive symptom ever to afflict a heterosexual male in the history of our species—one demanding that he, say, suck a penis three times a day to avoid catastrophe—"

@23, Yeah - sounds like a chicks-with-dicks situation (which Dan says is a straight thing, not a gay thing) that morphed into a general taste for penis.

With two young children and a satisfying sex life, I'd like to know a lot more before suggesting divorce.

But if she's into old-school monogamy and it turns out that her husband isn't... sounds like basic incompatibility.

@28, Biologist in the stix, you said it much better than me :-) I guess it's only compatibility if they can't compromise.

@29...Exactly.

Yeah, I thought the response to this LW and most of the comments were unduly harsh. She's just had two kids! It's really not that easy to dump someone under her circumstances, and for a supposedly sex positive bunch, this group is pretty quick to lynch the guy and shame the LW. WTF?

We don't even know for sure that he cheated on her. He "had a string of one night stands". When? We don't know. They've only been together for 4 years, so maybe this all happened before they met. And if they've been having good sex, maybe all is not lost.

The LW will probably have to open her mind sexually in some way or another, but even that could work out well for them in the long run. I for one wish them luck.

Yeah, I thought this advice was just terrible. The penis can be a fetish object unto itself, so LW's husband may well be attracted to the penis but not the guy it's attached to, and it's also possible that he gets off on the "submission" aspect of blowing another guy. If LW and her husband are happy together, they should stay together. Period.

I also like @10's idea: if he's into penis, try a strap-on.

Dan was way harsh.

Because this couple is married and presumably has a LOT going for them, AND have been through two difficult pregnancies" (and therefore presumably have TWO KIDS TOGETHER), they owe it to themselves to take this to a therapist to see if they can find common ground.

Although, sadly, the outcome may be that he is gay and then she will have to figure out what that means for her personally, in terms of her desire/ability to stay in the marriage.

But at least then they know that they gave it their best shot. That will mean a lot to them and to their kids, no matter the outcome. Good luck to this woman and her family!!!

Yeah, i totally agree with redball. I mean sexuallity is so f*****g complex, and probably the guy is really confused and trying to balance his own desires, being the sexual one and the one to maintain his family. The response to the letter was really cruel, and instead of being of any help, it really presented a bossy opinion, that doesnt give any space for alternative interpretation. I d say that though it has some accurate points, it shouldnt be taken as 100% true. Sexuality is sooo hard to figure sometimes, and i think the husband needs support and maybe should talk to someone who is more appropriate for this issue