I've got a statistically-insignificant sample-size, but every "top" I know is a top all the time, everywhere they go...and it's not fun for those of us who are not "bottoms"
or "slaves".

It better be a good book. I need something to read up in here!

dream girl!

Rather than cakes and muffins, Betty Crocker will always remind me of that line from Little Shop of Horror's "Somewhere That's Green": "I cook like Betty Crocker/And I look like Donna Reed."

@1 They're doing it wrong, and so are you. You're describing a top without boundaries. They're all awful. Don't participate in their scene (meaning cut them out of your life and if they ask why, tell them). Sorry, a large stick is required for dealing with that particular breed of asshole.

@1: Find someone who's not a top, and mold them?

I got a woody reading that.

@1: I don't enjoy bossing people around in life, but I can top in bed.

@7: +1.

Great necklace idea. But it should probably be a 1940s-era-stlye apron with nothing under it for full effect.

It's good to have Dan back. This is solid, practical advice.

I think it should be a pearl necklace.

I doubt that it's really that simple, but it sounds like a good place to start.

Or, perhaps, boundaries.

@12 Bah! Fixed. My fault.

@10: You mean, like the one Barbara Billingsly always wore in Leave it Beaver, right?
Oh . . . Perfect on all fronts.

Steal Mr Erica.

She doesn't need a different person. Her guy is "open-minded" and "up for this."

What she needs is help with "setting effective boundaries." On that, she should read the popular books on Topping, Bottoming, SM 101, etc. etc. Or get out into the local BDSM community and take a class or talk to people. There are discussions about this sort of issue every single day on FetLife; that would also be a good place to start.

I've thought about this letter soooo many times since I first read it, probably back in '08 or '09. I always thought it was such a brilliant solution, and I still do! A subtle signal that says "treat me bad." One that's not easily mistaken and that the man will notice immediately.

And I don't understand why any of you are objecting to Dan's response: it's practical, easy, and quick. She's not interested in BDSM 101, and she's not interested in full time dom/sub action or slave type stuff. She just wants to be degraded by her boyfriend once in a while (probably because she intellectually knows men and women are equally capable and should be valued as such, ergo, being treated like a traditional whorish housewife once in a while is a major turn on).

I can completely relate.

Alternately, she could just keep it a fantasy. Or do some real soul searching about why she'd want someone to treat her like a child, an abused child at that, rather than a sexy equal. Or both. Honestly I wish someone in the past rather than encouraging me to try every steamy thing that came into my lovely slutty brain had set me down and suggested it was actually okay to leave some things as just fantasies. Glad I stopped before I got to the incest and gang rape kinks.

@20 You sound like you've had some bad sexual experiences but some of us can have kinky sex without losing control or our sense of perspective. So stop slut shaming; there's nothing wrong with wanting to do something taboo. There's no need for soul searching.

@21, actually, I think it is helpful to learn that you can leave anything a fantasy as long as you want to. Rough, abusive anal is a huge part of my fantasy life, but I am happy to only have nice fun anal in reality. That said, I think this particular fantasy is easy and fun to act out, and Dan has good advice for how to do so and be happy with the results.

Compartmentalizing what goes on in the bedroom (or kitchen in this case) from what goes on in the rest of your life is something that we all do naturally.

If it wasn't we'd probably be much more self-conscious thinking about how goofy we look while grinding away.

She seems eloquent enough in her letter. She just needs to use those communication skills with her boyfriend and try to get over the young-feminist habit of bringing politics into the relationship.

Balance and compromise are better goals for a relationship than equality.