I got nuthin.

The book of mormon is indecipherable. It's almost like some schmuck just made it up as he went along, trying his best to sound old timey.

Wast thy hell ist thou sayingth?

Blah, blah, blah, now givest me thy monies.

Is this where Mormons get that thing about souls hanging around waiting to be born, which is why they have so many kids?

Let's make Earth, because, hey, there's room.

Again, I now understand the medieval impulse to burn people at the stake.

The bible never calls this place Earth, because when it was written there was no concept that this was just one of many planets. People back then thought this was all there is.

This mormon crap was written later, so it mentions Earth. However, it retains the idea that things were created specifically for man. This implies that they cannot be used up or destroyed, as Dominionists claim, and further excuses environmental abuse.

@2: This bit is not actually from the Book of Mormon. It's from "The Pearl of Great Price". Mormons have four books of canon: the bible, the book of Mormon, the Doctrine and Covenants (comprised of the revelations Joseph Smith), and the Pearl of Great Price.
The PoGP was translated by Joe from an Egyptian papyrus he got from some antiquities dealer. A bit awkward when it turned out the papyrus actually contained nothing like the text of the PoGP ...

I prefer the Genesis 1 version. More poetic and graceful.

@7 the only way to sate that impulse is by burning a few people at the stake

Hey you guys, this is a retranslation of the Genesis creation story created when Joseph Smith bought some Egyptian mummies from a huckster named Michael Chandler. With the mummies were some scrolls which Smith translated as the book of Abraham but once people figured out how to translate Egyptian, discovered that that these scrolls were no more than run of the mill funereal scrolls.

What makes this interesting is that this passage is the basis of the multiplicity of Gods doctrine, the idea that we can all become gods ourselves, the idea in Mormonism that matter was always around but unorganized and that it took a God to organize matter into the universe.

It also places Michael the Archangel as supreme creator of the universe which gave way to Brigham Young teaching that Adam (Michael the Archangel) from the garden actually was God, who upon falling from the garden, had kids, founded a church, then when he was old, went back into the Garden, ate from the tree of life, and was taken back into heaven.

Most mormons don't know that the scrolls upon which these particularly mormon doctrines are predicated were not burned up in a fire in the 1850's, but found in the 1960's and determined to be fraudulent. Mormon apologists will tell you that Joseph Smith was inspired by the presence of those scrolls to "reveal" this new, more complicated creation myth. Others will say that the real scrolls were consumed in a fire. You decide.

Another complication is that Abraham is there from the very beginning as are all the old testament prophets, "Rulers", from this passage. They show up later as angels who teach Joseph Smith, you know, from everlasting to everlasting.

So there you go, Sloggers. Have at it.

@4 ...and a couple more of your daughters. The last batch is bored by me now.

If Romney wins, are we doing Mormon study for four years?
There's plenty of crazy shit to discuss

It reads like bad King James bible fanfic. What wast Joseph Smith smokingeth?

@16 - Magic mushrooms

@12 Yeah, I was thinking that too but it seemed a little too obvious to be worth mentioning.

@14 Oh god, I hope not. There's plenty of crazy in LDS scripture, but it's so godawful bloated and poorly written that it's nearly impossible to present the crazy without exegesis. And attempting to explain these verses would go against the conceit of Slog Bible/Mormon Study.

Joseph Smith, the most successful snake oil salesman in history.

#12 - thanks! That was very interesting and informative.

Do you go through the books looking for the silliest parts? Or does their whole body of scripture read like some adolescent gamer trying to talk like a medieval knight?

@23 The latter. Sure, I'm Googling for pointers to the silly parts. But I'm also attempting to slog my way through scripture, and it all reads like this.

I've never before truly appreciated the language of the King James Bible until I compared to it to this lame parody. I mean, doctrine aside, this is truly the worst written holy text I've ever read. Joseph Smith makes L. Ron Hubbard sound like Shakespeare.

Romney isn't going to win. And he's going to stop any other Mormon ever winning in future. We're going to remember this crap even if they find someone not as hugely unlikeable.

So ET was sent by God?

I'm bored. Can we play another game?

@25: n=2
Drawing definitive conclusions? I shiggy diggy doo dah.

Goldy, I would recommend starting with Doctrine and Covenants section 132 and comparing and contrasting to Mosiah from the BofM. Oh, there's more.

Modern Eqyptologists have debunked Joseph Smith's translation of the Book of Abraham. See it here in a side by side format:

http://www.mormoninfographics.com/search…

Modern Eqyptologists have already debunked this translation of the "Book of Abraham"

See it here in side by side format:
http://www.mormoninfographics.com/search…

Mormon god could definitely have used a better speech writer. Or maybe a teleprompter.

@26 - I doubt it. Romney is losing, but his Mormonism really doesn't seem to be the reason. He's losing because he's an obvious power hungry slimeball with no empathy who flip-flops way too much and keeps putting his foot in his mouth. A more personally appealing candidate who just so happens to be a Mormon could easily overcome all the anti-Mormon bigotry, just as JFK overcame the disadvantage imposed by his Catholicism.

@12 Michael created the universe and Adam is actually God? Talk about sacriligeous!

No wonder Mormon families drive this stuff like a stake into their kids' heads, because there's absolutely no hope of any adult voluntarily converting to this craziness.

Everything I know about the Mormon faith I learned on Southpark.

#24: Sources tell me that the Jehovah's Witness material is even more grammatically boogered. People outside the religion are "suchlike ones".