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My other half has a much lower libido, I'd love to suggest we open up the relationship but how do you ever go about asking that!? " Oh by the way I want to be tied up and fucked by someone with an interest in kink?" Boom! That would be a disaster.
Help appreciated please... ;-)
Yes, that sounds about right. Why would it be a disaster?
1) The number of people who would actually think Dan seriously thinks straight women all hate sex -- have none of you read anything else Dan has ever written?!
2) More specifically, the number of people who apparently didn't remember this letter from a few years ago -- and Dan's subsequent column about how he only ran this answer just to solicit letters from straight women to prove the book wrong;
3) The extent to which the experiences recounted in the linked review are so in agreement with that Daniel Bergner book, which I read on Dan's recommendation. Gradually losing desire from one's long-term partner, the ubiquity of rape fantasies, needing to be the physical object of the desire (I'm a straight woman with a high libido, and honestly, I wouldn't be super turned on by massaging my partner's butt either!)...the whole thing reads like a prequel to the Bergner book. Plus, if I'm recalling correctly, Loh and her husband eventually divorced because she had a (sexual) affair with another man -- her desire came roaring back once a new guy was in the picture. Obviously this is completely unscientific and shouldn't be taken as proof of Bergner's argument, but I'm still shocked at how closely it tracks.
Anyway, I hope re-running this didn't get Dan too much more hate than usual. I'm kind of sad he did rerun it, because occasionally I see memes going around about why no one should ever pay attention to him -- always with quotes that are really old and taken way, way out of context -- and I know resurrecting this is just going to give people ammunition they might have overlooked before. I guess I should find that column that ran the week after this and add it to my arsenal of defensive links.
I agree with the advice above. Try to ease the hubby into kinkier ideas. You vowed monogamy, the least you can do is give it your best shot instead of expecting him to magically intuit what you want.
I ask this as someone who has successfully opened up a vanilla monogamous relationship much like you describe. I think it's important to pin down ...as much as you can, things change... what you want before you have the talk(s). "I want a meaningful relationship with a kink partner" and "I want carte blanche to have sex at fetish nights" are both going to throw up problems, but they'll be real different. You can't entirely control what your partner hears when you ask for non-monogamy, a lot of it has to do with his own fears and preconceptions, but you can make sure you know and repeat what is important about the idea to you.
Maybe read the Ethical Slut and/or Tristan Taormino's Opening Up? And be prepared for this to take a while to work out, and maybe stir up a lot of feelings. It's hard work...but I really like the getting tied up and fucked I got out of it, myself!
I don't know if you will come back to this thread, but just in case...
Thank you for your book. Due to serious chronic health problems, I had an extremely low libido. Also vaginal dryness which meant that the tissues were easily damaged and, once damaged, usually ended up with a yeast infection. I haven't been able to stick to the diet, but just regularly taking the fish oil you recommended has resulted in a lot less dryness, the complete end of recurrent bouts of thrush, and an increased libido. It really is amazing. Thank you again.
(Thanks to #37)
Nicole Daedone's Slow Sex was AWESOME for me. Nicole Daedone's TEDTalk, Orgasm: The Cure For Hunger http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9QVq0EM6…
Also, I am an INSATIABLE woman. I want to fuck 3 or 4 times a day and it just makes me hotter.
for a particularly disturbing example. So this doesn't just apply to the NYPD, but to all cops in the US. Everyone should address police officers as "fuck you officer".
"Women have naturally lower sex drives, Sewell writes. It's a hormonal thing. Testosterone makes humans horny, men have way more than women, so men are hornier..."
Sewell is far from definitive on this point. In fact, there's an abundance of evidence that suggests that she's dead wrong. I can't believe you swallowed it and regurgitated it without doing a source check.
My bet is that you are relaxed and happy, easy to please, undefensive, not shy about what you want and enjoy negotiating. You go into it with a good attitude and you don’t put your partner on the defensive.
My own experiences of bad sex were not technical, but distress when my partner didn’t seem to care about my pleasure. I’d make one or two attempts to move the action in a direction that would be fun for me or away from a direction that was unpleasant for me, and after one or two flat “nos” I’d give up and stop investing in the interaction.
You’re probably more resilient and persistent than I am, and have a personal style that doesn’t put people’s backs up.
With regards to the kink aspect recently I have been trying to drop hints and given specific ideas about what I'd like to introduce/ have more of between us (bondage, dirty talk and rough-play) which he has acknowledged but has never done anything about. He has a lower libido than me too. Therefore I (maybe wrongly) conclude he is not interested in anything other than vanilla sex.
I also find it difficult to talk about what I'd like as get embarrassed easily and if the conversation were to get awkward I'd probably leave questions unanswered, walk away and change the subject.
Is it better to suggest things I think we should try at a 'normal' time of day, when about to have sex or right in the heat of the moment?
We've been together for about 10 years after meeting in college. My desire to be more adventurous in (and out of) bed has developed gradually over the years and I've never really made it my business to 'declare' my interests. I'm aware it will appear very spontaneous and out of character to suggest some of the things I'm interested in, even on a beginner scale.
Thanks for highlighting this. You've just just made me realize that we're (me and hubby) good at this only within the comfort zone! I think I'm worrying about making a massive leap when the smaller steps are not really a problem. I just get frustrated when his body language tells me that he's not interested.
Also? Chocolate is bleh and sex is awesome. I have no idea what these women are thinking, and this book sounds like a complete cop-out.
Fucking quacks, the lot of these authors.
Also I've dated 2 women with high libidos. These books sound stupid.