What? She only brought it up once, and he expressed discomfort at the idea. Before analyzing the rest of the relationship with a fine-tooth comb, how about she brings it up again in some other way? Put Tristan Taormino's podcast on in the car (the episode about pegging, maybe) and have a conversation about what his hangups are.

Pegging is varsity level, as the kids say, and being initially discomforted by the idea shouldn't lead to a Spanish Inquisition.

@1, agreed. Unless something from BUTT's letter was cut from SLLOTD, jumping from "he doesn't want to be pegged" to "his dom role is cover for an abusive relationship" seems excessive.

Give it time.

Keep your desire right on the rim of intimate conversations - like a subtle note hung on a peg - and over time it may wipe his reluctance away.

Yeah. Because the significant negative cultural baggage that comes with a guy being penetrated anally couldn't possibly have anything to do with the fact that he didn't immediately and unconditionally accept to try it. Neither could the fact that "much more" as the lw said could lead to injury.

Yeah, dude. Maybe he just doesn't want to get fucked in the ass.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar...

I wonder if the LW has seen "Bend Over Boyfriend" and the sequel "BOB2". They're both about pegging, with the first one being more theory than practice/performance. But there's one particular man (can't remember if this is in 1 or 2) who - upon penetration - has this look of utter ecstasy on his face.

If the bf can be enticed to watch something like this, he might see the benefits. OTOH, I get the impression that always being on top is extremely important for him and something he may never be willing to compromise on, GGG or not.

A bit of overreach here. You are way overanalyzing it.

GGG does not mean he must perform to her every whim if it is something he knows he won't like. It may come as shocking news, but a lot of straight guys don't like getting fucked in the ass. Some do, sure, but most don't.

I suppose this could be some complex coverup for abuse, but it seems far more likely that GGG boyfriend simply doesn't want to get pegged, and this is one fetish too far.

I think it was a bit unfair to compare him to Republican legislators. Maybe he's not into domination and submission and is only willing to take things so far. In fairness, I don't think that being the penetrator makes one the dominator or dominatrix anyway.

I mean, I'm a straight guy, and I'm not interested in anal from any perspective. On one level, I'm squicked out by digestive tract related sex, and I don't even want to penetrate an anus, let alone have someone mess with mine. On another, as a male, I've been socialized to be the one entering the other, right? That's at least another hurdle, so I've got to sympathize with the boyfriend here.

@4, Nice.

Her question never really got answered. He just went off on a tangent about abuse. BUTT, if he let you stick a finger up his ass, then there is still hope! Lots of guys won't even allow that much. Drop the topic, but keep fingering his ass every now and then and maybe add two fingers and gradually work up from there. One finger might be his limit, but pushing limits is what makes sex exciting.. So just start slow and gauge his reaction. You might not get exactly what you want, but I definitely think you can meet somewhere in the middle.

@13: true, true. I recall reading somewhere that you should surreptitiously pick up a smooth stone while hiking on you favorite backwoods trail. Then, while making love on the soft pine-needled forest floor, surprise your man by pressing that smooth stone into his anus. Guys just love that, or so the experts say.

What the everloving fuck? Chris, you're way off base here. "Other parts of the relationship"? Where is the evidence that this guy is chronically dominant? What's more, how is that even peripherally relevant to LW's query about pegging? It sounds like you have zero experience with any kind of BDSM. Big miscalculation.

This is actually a pretty kink-negative response. Fucked up.

for those pouncing on mr. savage, in the letter she stated that "he told me he'd be uncomfortable with me in a more dominant role." chris is definitely within bounds to ask whether that is the norm in other areas of the relationship.

I think Chris took it a bit far, and it should be stressed that nothing should be going up the boyfrend's bottom without his enthusiastic consent. However the fact that the boyfriend phrased this not as "I don't want anything bigger than a finger up my ass, because that sounds unfun" or even as "I don't want to be submissive" but as "I don't want YOU to be dominant" really ought to earn him a side-eye. It sounds awfully woman-stay-in-your-place-y, though it could also be just an innocently unfortunate phrasing of a harmless aversion. So yeah, she should ask herself whether he's threatened by her assuming control in other areas of their life, or whether it's entirely a sex thing. If it's the latter I'm sure she'll know.

Who suggested, and who gets most, out of the anal they're currently having? Personally I think a guy who wants anal should be prepared to try receiving it first, and if he thinks its too scary/degrading for him, that's fine, but a good sign doing it with him would be too scary/degrading for me. If the anal she's receiving is more for him than for her, then she should stop doing it because she's suddenly decided she's uncomfortable with him in such a dominant role. Unless she likes it as much or more than he does, then okay, keep having it and give up on ever doing it to him unless he asks. But even then, there's surely got to be SOMETHING pain-and-penetration free he could do to let her dominate him a bit on occasion? If not, and she has to be all-submissive all the time, I really don't think he's that GGG.

I agree with Chris. You should figure out whether this is about pegging or whether this is about being unquestionably dominant. If he's all-dominant all the time, it makes sense to figure out whether that's what you really want. If you perceive yourself as a switch, a dominant-only man might not be GGG enough for you.

Unless this is what he wants and is mentally prepared for, you can do some real damage in just a few minutes if he can't/won't relax. This isn't something to spring on someone by surprise.

@19. Amen. The one adventure I had with anal ended with damage that I still have well over a decade later(and unless I get an operation I've been told it will be there period). That's why, for me at least, anal is a "like to have" for giving and "never no matter what" on receiving.

And yes, there are lots of ways to let another partner share control. Letting the other person chose what the couple does is a good one as is some permutations of light bondage. Now if he isn't willing to do even those, problem.

I won't touch on the gender/Dom/sub roles others have discussed. Lot's of good comments already, and there's no need to reinvent the wheel (I will say though that if he's game enough to take a finger, he doesn't sound like a complete close minded Dom douche).

That said, if it's just a matter of him getting comfortable with more than just a finger up his ass, why not just start with a medium sized butt plug (bigger than a finger, smaller than a dick). He can even still be on top while you apply some additional pressure with a reach-around and talk about fucking his ass. It might a be a nice compromise, and a gateway to full on pegging.

> He's fine with a single finger in his butt >

Does that mean he loves it? Or that he tolerates it for your sake? If he loves it, then I'd follow dave1976's advice and encourage him to try something just a tad longer/wider than your finger as the next step. But if he doesn't love the finger, then I'd back off to other ass-play. Have you tried asking your boyfriend if you can rim him? And try asking if you can spank him -- you can do this without dominating him, if he knows that he can ask you to make it lighter/heavier and of course for it to end any time he wants. His reaction might give you a good sense of what the issues are for him.

Actually the wording sent my alarm bells off, too, and I'm kinky as hell. It's this: "he'd be uncomfortable with me in a more dominant role". If that's what he ACTUALLY SAID, and she doesn't want to be submissive all the time, then I wouldn't drag out accusations of abuse just yet but I would say they're a mismatch.

" Does he prevent you from doing things you want to do because he wants to control you?"

Let's try again: " Does he prevent you from doing things TO HIM that you want to do TO HIM, because he wants to control you?"

There. Fixed that for you. I hope the error in your logic is more apparent now.

There is a substantial difference between not wanting to (i.e., possibly even being afraid to) submit to loss of control oneself, as opposed to wanting to control the other person, all control, all the time. If you jumped to conclusions any harder, Chris Savage, you'd probably break orbit.

LW, you express your desires as wanting to do all sorts of things to his ass, to satisfy your own sexual appetites. Where exactly is HE in that equation? Where does his enjoyment figure into the "much more" things that you are drooling over sticking up his ass? If you aren't doing this with the intention of making his experience not only pleasurable but what he wants, the one who isn't being GGG isn't him, it's you.

Get yourself a Real Doll and stick things up its ass if you can't figure it out.