SL Letter of the Day: Honorary Centaur Fetishist

Comments

1
I'd settle for a naked ride on that centaur.
2
I like that centaur because he's resourceful. I am always short on storage space and shelf space and would love to use my back/ass as a shelf.
3
I do think FEST has a chance of finding a Jewish nerdy intellectual chick who has some sexual deviance of her own and would be willing to come to an arrangement about satisfying their needs in creative ways – ie, yes, occasionally seeing a pro-domme. In fact, if he marries a submissive bisexual Jewish nerdy intellectual chick (of which there are quite a few), they may be able set up a regular arrangement with a buff, large, sexy shiksa pro-domme. Like a Shabbos goy, but with wrestling and flogging sessions.
4
But...he knows that. He knows he's being too picky. He was asking what to compromise on.
5
@EricaP: Recently, there was a comment thread following a letter in which a man confessed that he had never been attracted to his girlfriend and couldn't stand to have sex with her. He was reluctant to break up mostly because he feared the loss of some mutual friends. The best thing he could say about this girlfriend was that his dog liked her. Dan said something about two ways relationships could function, and you pointed out that there was a third way--that people could stay together despite having no sexual interest in each other and they could each have their sexual needs met elsewhere. Many of us thought you seemed to be suggesting that they negotiate an open relationship, but you maintained that you were simply reminding Dan of another option he hadn't mentioned, but which you knew he was aware of.

I'm curious, because based on my reading of your letter here, you seem to be advising this man to seek out a partner to whom he has no sexual attraction whatsoever, telling him that then he can negotiate an open relationship/marriage, wherein he gets his sexual needs met outside.

I think that both the letter I alluded to from a short time ago, and this one are profoundly different from marriages in which there was an initial sexual attraction which may have waned, or an interest/libido disparity that manifests itself well into the life of a long-term relationship, or in which the partners still have an attraction to and for each other but want either some novelty/variety, or a particular act that the other can't or isn't willing to fulfill, and yet they still have ways of being sexual with each other that satisfy both of them.

I don't understand why you appear to be continuing to suggest that people enter into relationships with partners they aren't attracted to, with the idea of finding sexual fulfillment elsewhere. Surely that does happen, but I hardly think it is the ideal, and the better suggestion is to look for someone who meets most of your needs and be willing to compromise on the others. The opening-in-order-to-meet-needs-unable-to-be-met-by-the-primary-partner may indeed happen, but most of us want to look for a partner we're attracted to, at least initially.
6
@4 Trouble is, there's no absolute truth on what somebody's relationship priorities *should* be. Dude's gotta decide what are really deal-breakers and what aren't, to him, not to Dan or anyone else.

Also, if he's found that the women he likes exist but are generally more attracted to big strong guys, he might consider working out. Can't hurt, right?
7
I think EP is right: you can find someone who is willing to strike a deal and you meet each other needs.

I often wonder with people like this if what they really have is a fear of intimacy or commitment - one they're not even consciously aware of - such that they're really saying, "well, if I found someone who met all of these requirements I'd be out of excuses to say no and would have to actually engage."

I just do not personally grok the whole animal/half-animal fetish, BTW.
8
I wonder if there are horses who are centaur fetishists.
9
I should say: I meant in the case where they could both at least partially meet each other's needs, not where they are fundamentally looking for something different or are incompatible sexually.
10
This dude should call me.
11
He could always just corner tall girls in elevators at the atheist convention.
12
@5, if he is only attracted to large, physically strong but still very feminine women who are happy to pin him down during sex (LPSBSVFWWAHTPHDDS), then he's in trouble. I was hoping he could enjoy sex with a Jewish nerdy intellectual chick, as long as he had permission to sometimes go see a pro-domme who can toss him around.

If he really is ONLY attracted to a LPSBSVFWWAHTPHDDS, then he better hope she doesn't want to have children. (He can have his children with a nice nerdy set of Jewish lesbians, yes?)

But a LPSBSVFWWAHTPHDDS who also doesn't want children with him, that's probably a centaur. Just as a nerdy Jewish intellectual LPSBSVFWWAHTPHDDS is a centaur.

But, actually here's another idea. He should be open to dating a transwoman. Won't want to bear his children, likely to be bigger than him and able to pin him to the bed, good at acting feminine. And not a centaur. I think we have a winner.

13
@10 - or he could just call you!
14
Unless the word "feminine" is code for "thin", this guy has more options than most guys. Fat women tend to be strong women, if they are at all active. When I went to the gym my Nautilus settings were always very close to men's settings, and on the leg press I was even stronger than some hardcore male bodybuilders. All this guy has to do is locate some tall, fat, Jewish women and start dating around until he finds a bossy one who thinks he's cute. See if she's GGG--if so, have her take a judo class--problem solved. Him wanting marriage is a plus; fat girls often have to deal with the stigma of men who want to have sex with them, but are too embarrassed to want a long-term relationship.
15
"If you think that I'd allow a common masher - now, really, Mama / I have standards where men are concerned / And if you don't mind my saying so -"

"I know all about your standards / And if you don't mind my saying so / There's not a man alive who could hope to measure up / To the blend of Paul Bunyan, Saint Pat and Noah Webster you've concocted for yourself / Out of your Irish imagination, your Iowa stubbornness, and your library full of books!"
16
#4 there's no way Dan can answer that. You have to prioritize what you want and then meet real live human beings.

Then you can know what you will and won't be able to compromise on. Clearly the guy has some strong sexual needs that need to be met, the rest, well....if you asked me what my "type" is, I would say 5'5", Italian, furry, nice ass. My last two husbands have been 6' tall, not Italian and not furry. So there you go.

But connection is connection and ultimately that's what is important when some of the rest has faded down.
17
At least there's a possibility in the distant future for centaur fetishists to get centaur sex robots.

The people who are really out of luck are the ones who want giants. Like 50' tall women or something. They'd have to wait until something like interactive, tactile holograms exist.
18
FEST,

I agree with Spacegirl, get thee to the gym. The fact that while you're buffing up you will also be (potentially) meeting buff females couldn't hurt.

Peace
19
I mean - even "Jewish" makes things kind of hard. Jews are about 2% of the US population. Finding someone Jewish is hard even if you're looking for someone just plain compatible. This is a rather major issue in the Jewish community, with jewdate, and tons of events for 20-30 year olds to try to match them up. Ultimately, a fair share of Jews either doesn't try or gives up, often becoming alienated from Judaism (that, too, a hot topic). So yeah, making demands that would already be hard to match and then cutting out 98% of the population - not gonna work.
20
"The problem is that these women tend to be attracted to larger, physically stronger men."

Can't this asshole get some steroids (or at least some protein shakes) and hulk up if he wants to attract these impossibly hard to find women that he craves that are apparently at the gym or something?
21
Learn how to draw (or learn a 3D rendering program like DazStudio or Poser) and be content to live out your impossible Centaur fantasies vicariously, through your visual imagination.

Let real life sex be about loving your partner for who they are, without superimposing a bunch of impossible baggage on them.
22
@14 Okay, that makes sense.
23
All of you suggesting that he go to the gym and bulk himself up to attract a stronger/fit lady are missing a very important part of the kink equation: He wants to be dominated by this woman--and if he bulks up and starts working out, he's (very likely) going to be stronger than his partner. That's not going to work for him.

But seriously, although I might be too short for this guy, I make a kick-ass latke! As they say, there's a lid for every pot. Even a weird, nerdy, Jewish kinkster pot.

24
@5: If all you have is a hammer...
25
@23: That depends significantly on HOW he works out; maximizing bulk and maximizing strength are two very different animals, and the bodybuilders are generally not the strongest folks in the gym.
26
A friend of mine had a list (technically entitled The List) of attributes she required her future husband to have. It was two pages long. What I said when I saw it? "Good luck with that." How many of those attributes from The List does her current husband possess? One- he has lovely teeth. She has never been happier. Relax your Standards and Practices, man.
27
@7 I think you're right that he has a fear of intimacy. If he found his centaur, and she had any desires of her own that were not in line with his fetish, would that make them incompatible in his eyes? If so, then he's not interested in finding a real person.
28
We all have our kinks, but when your kinks start to interfere with your goals in life such as partnership, raising children, and sharing important religious and cultural commonalities, you might need to take a look at those kinks. I am definitely kinky, don't give a shit about sharing religion and culture, never want kids, and am ambivalent about partnership, just to be clear on where I stand on priorities. Nevertheless, even I know that those are important to some people and clearly to this guy, and a sexual inclination (let's not argue again that specific kinks are actually an orientation) should not trump *everything* else.

How about you get yourself to a therapist, dude? Which isn't code for you're crazy - therapists are not just for crazy people. They're also for people who aren't getting what they want from their lives and need to figure out how to go about it better. I personally have a serious attraction to a particular type of man that is almost guaranteed not to give me any but one thing I want in a relationship. They turn me into an orgasm pinata, however, and sexual satisfaction vies pretty seriously for number 1 spot in my list of priorities. After years of this, off to a therapist to figure out what the hell I'm doing, what's really important to me, and how to try to get my vagina and my heart into some kind of agreement. Because I actually do want to be happy, and sometimes that takes some adjustment in yourself and not of the rest of the world.
29
CENTAURS?! PSHAW! HULK RATHER FAWN OVER EMILY RATAJKOWSKI!!!

http://24.media.tumblr.com/4e1e8609e1d91…

LESS CHANCE OF MERE MORTALS HOOKING UP WITH HER THAN PARTICIPATING IN A CENTAUR-UNICORN ORGY ON MOON... WITH HULK!!!
30
@14: I think the fact that he's complaining about the scarcity of women who meet his numerous criteria means that "feminine" is indeed code for "slender."
Otherwise, your suggestion would seem to be a perfect solution. EricaP's suggestion of dating a transwoman (@12) would seem to be a good work around, but something tells me that he hasn't considered that. And the fact that they couldn't have his children is a drawback for him. He wants kids. That are raised Jewish. By/with a nerdy, intellectual, "normal" feminine-looking, tall Amazonian dominatrix wrestlerette.

I don't know . . . I actually don't think that his list is so very long . . .
31
NSFW, Hulk.
32
"No one gets everything he wants in a partner."

Says the man married to Terry-freaking- Adonis. (I know, I know, we don't know everything about Terry, but shheez!).
33
Gee, I should have saved my reference to the Accomplished Woman.

Mr Rhone - I hope it was a very superficial or very specific and demanding list; I'm getting an image of your friend happily married to a gun-carrying evangelical racist sexist homophobe who doesn't read anything but the Bible, not the sort of image designed to give me a good night's sleep.
34
Seriously Hulk, very hot but NSFW. Not that I'm at work now, but still.

This guy needs to relax, stop fighting so hard and let a nice jewish woman dominate him, or at least tie him up securely before he fights. Strength is one of those transient things anyway; even if she's stronger now, she may not be as she ages. A bit of rope will let him struggle to his hearts content while lending the illusion that she's holding him down.
35
Most Jewish girls are short, skinny, and atheist.

You Are Fucked.
36
@35, you obviously don't belong to my synagogue, where they're more like short, plump, and atheist.

And @19, it's more like 1%.
37
Well, you want a dominant woman, try joining (some) martial arts club(s). You might not get a larger woman but you will find women who might be willing to dominate you and will know what its like to manage strength on someone. Intellectuals? Try a university martial arts club. Mine is full of nerds and intellectuals. Jewish, though? Not so much although there was at least one. Figure out which thing you require most- two out of three ain't bad. And I think that ultimately you will have to do the "pick two" Venn diagram of your situation.
38
Mr. Ven @33: It was indeed a very specific, very demanding and very shallow list that she has since disavowed as a folly of youth (she was 19 when she made it). Her current marriage isn't based upon some kind of surrender of principle on her part; she has simply learned to appreciate a loving man who didn't fulfill every silly aesthetic/material "requirement" she had previously sworn up and down she would not get married without.
39
@38 A friend of mine has a list like that. He has to be significantly taller than her (not out of kink but so that she can wear heels and other silly BS like that), he has to have attended specific universities, he has to be a specific number of years older than her, he probably has to be cut and wear expensive clothes. In short, she should be proud to show him to everyone. At the same time there aren't any requirements about his stance on religion, politics and general worldview. So for example, being a happy social drinker and totally non-religious and kind of a slut (in the sex positive sense of the word) she keeps finding guys who are devoutly religious and don't drink or something like that. She ends up dating guy after guy who she can't stand, also because of some silly reason, like he eats pizza in a restaurant using his hands, he's not eager on museums etc. etc.
40
@39 and by "kink" I meant sexual or aesthetic preference but got distracted by other thoughts.
41
@39: Yeah, I'm really happy that she got over it and found somebody; her single life was a disaster (of her own making). The List was just ill-advised and, ironically enough, the major source of chaos in her mate choices, seeing as how nothing on it was character or personality-based.
42
@39 a video on eating pizza in a restaurant NOT using one's hands:

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-ju…
43
Sheesh. And I have having difficulty with my list of 1. within ten years of my age 2. at least a moderate level of attraction 3. financially stable.
44
I met the person who did check every box on my own version of The List (not that I'd ever written it down, since I'm not that much of an optimist) shortly before I got engaged to my now-wife. And she apparently threw herself at me, according to witnesses.

It was the triggering event that made me finally pop the question.
45
Very useful information. Thank you for sharing it. Thanks 99th
46
@42,

I thought that the TDS segment by Louis Black about "Fuck You Texas" was a great NY homage, but that pizza video might have topped it. John did an excellent job, but *sigh*, it's nice to get Jon back.

Peace
47
@44,

Not to be rude, but is your wife the list checker?

Peace
48
"Too make things even more complicated" - this will be an automatic turnoff for many nerdy, intellectual women, as will LW's insistence on a "normal" life with marriage and kids unless he is willing to be abnormally egalitarian and involved as a partner and co-parent (not just as a father).

Find a Jewish woman willing to be your baby-momma who will stay home and run the house while you go pay for large yet feminine dominant women to hold you down and hang out in coffee shops with intellectual women.

LW really needs to get his priorities in order: why Jewish? Why does he want the "normal" life of marriage and kids? Why does he want a nerdy, intellectual woman? If anything, the kink is the most authentic part of his desires; the rest should be unpacked and examined for whether it's a shiny neat thing to have or a real thing he wants, which would include his side of the maintenance and buy-in.
49
A few more thoughts:

Maybe LW should start hitting the gym to get more muscular and athletic looking; he's wanting a woman to be all things, and he himself admits that he maybe fits two of his many categories he expects of his future partner. If LW walked the walk a bit more, he'd have higher chances of finding someone.

Also, if LW does plan to go the "on the side" route, he had better openly offer for his wife/baby momma to do the same with people of her choice. That would actually open up his options considerably and promote a happier long-term family situation.
50
@35: Tell that to Robert Crumb.

@49: He should sit at home and do nothing and try to look more nebbishy.
51
@20 How easy is it to get steroids that won't turn your liver into stale gorgonzola? 'Cause I'd like a few months' worth.
52
@ 47: Nope. We'd been dating for a while when I met the girl who was a combination of every physical and lifestyle characteristic I'd ever found attractive in a woman before meeting my wife. If I were more paranoid, I'd have suspected "she" was actually an actress hired as an insanely elaborate prank my friends were pulling on me.

Then she threw herself at me, and I barely noticed she'd done it until people pointed it out later. So I figured when you meet your fantasy and she barely distracts you from the girlfriend you already have, it's time to get married. So we did.

Turned out those fantasy lists are garbage.

(I was still a bit jealous when fantasy-girl started dating one of my friends. But much later I heard that despite the hotness and the shared interests, she was also batshit insane. Incidentally, "Not Batshit Insane" hadn't been on the list.)
53
Oops. The second sentence of 52 is slightly unclear; my "list" of ideal traits changed after I started dating my now-wife (or it would have, if I'd consciously thought about it).

For my friend's sake, maybe I should have put "Not Batshit Insane" on the list, given how much that girl seemed to be my List of Ideal Partner Characteristics come to life. Maybe it would've helped.
54
Why wouldn't that centaur have horse hair on at least part of his human body? Pah.
55
@42 Oh yes I remember seeing that!
56
Technically, centaur fetishist are NOT fucked--at least not by centaurs. That's the problem!
57
@53 agreed, it's amusing that those long lists of desired traits never say "Not Batshit Insane," when that clearly should be up at the top, before height and what college they went to...
58
@56: Are there more straight female centaur fetishists, or more gay male centaur fetishists? Are there any centaur fetishists who want the centaurs to be half horse, half woman?

I can almost see those pre-teen "horsey-girls" becoming centaur fetishists, because then they could romantically ride the horse of their dreams while simultaneously riding with the man of their dreams. And they look sexless, so the possibility of sex seems to be out of the picture (though actually, if you wanted the giant dong-thing and don't care if it looks like a human's and don't mind being mounted by a horse, centaurs are a sexual option).
59
@36: o_o My dream! Where is your synagogue?!
60
@59: Plenty of us here in the Bay Area. Though I'm not especially short.
61
All right, I'm late to the party, but I don't think this dude's pickyness is as unworkable as Dan does. He needs to do several things:

-Go after athletes and/or women who weightlift. Join a mixed weightlifting class or something. Even women who are physically small and "weak" looking will look pretty fucking impressive after you see them in action. Female bodies can do a lot but not look like much because they don't bulk up like Ahnold.

-Get an agnostic or atheist woman who is respectful of history and culture and she'll let you raise the kid Jewish. If, say, she is a grad student in the humanities she'll be likely to understand why your heritage matters to you to pass on to your kids and she'll also hit the "intellectual" criterion. What makes a person Jewish isn't their biological parentage (unless you are an Orthodox piece of shit).

-Be extremely flexible about the "nerdy" qualifier. Nerds are fucking IN right now. Maybe she hasn't read all the comics but she's seen all the comic book movies? Introduce it to her. She likes Settlers of Cataan and Dominion but hasn't played other board games? Play them together. She enjoys reading books about biology but not physics? Roll with it, maybe get her to watch a physics documentary every once in a while. Fuck, dude, there are so many ways to be nerdy and so many fun date things about nerdery that this is barely a limitation.
62
@57 So true. My own theory is that by the time people are old enough and wise enough to add "Not Batshit Insane" to the List, they're also know better than to have a List in the first place.
63
I'm a large, tall, strong, sexually dominant woman who wants a normal life. I'm not Jewish though, and I'm fat. The only strong dominant Jewish women I've met happens to be a lesbian.

A lot of submissive men out there seem to have a list of very specific things they want. It's kind of strange. There is more than one way to be submissive/dominant. I think some people's minds are narrowed by looking at too much of their favorite porn and thinking that's the only thing that works for them.
64
I would suggest writing down the stuff he wants in a partner and then figuring which are the 'must haves' and which is the stuff he can live without or compromise on.

Can he handle having a short, thin, woman with a dominating personality? Does she actually have to be stronger than him or can he scratch that itch with roleplaying? Is being Jewish or willing to convert a must, or would he be happy with a partner who respects his religion even if they don't take part?
65
Sure those centaur guys are hot and hung but have you ever seen horses fuck? It ain't pretty and it ain't for weaklings. Kicking and biting and where does 42" of cock go when applied to the human body? Be careful what you wish for. Some of this must apply to LW, I'm thinking.
66
If it hasn't been said already... http://oglaf.com/heterogeneous/
67
@29: Hulk, bleah, hairless anorexics just should go out of style, even ones with big tits.
68
@67 You meant : hairless anorexics with big fake tits.
69
I've known a lot of intelligent nerdy ladies in my life, I've known some attractive female body builders and athletes, I've known Israelis and NY Jews aplenty.

Based on my careful analysis, he needs to date an Ultimate Frisbee player from Long Island who went to Cornell or NYU.