Comments

1
Fake. (Or a writer with very, very bad judgment.)
2
kids today. glad i'm not her dad.
3
IMO virgins should really try vanilla sex and see how that turns out before they start indulging in all these kinks.

"What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy."
4
Nice Python reference, fletc3her!
5
How would virgins know they were into kinky stuff? There's lots of stuff I might jerk off to that I have no interest in doing in real life, whether through role play or otherwise. But I don't think virginal IHSN would know the difference.
6
@5 that was my response - unless you've had an absolute ton of sex without actual PIV, I guess, how can a virgin have developed so many and varied kinks? It's just weird. Are they reading about and collecting kinks to have once their sex lives kick into gear?
Maybe they'll find out their kink is that they really don't have any kinks once they actually start fucking. Although I guess everyone probably has at least one kink.
7
Yes everyone knows that we're all asexual robots until an orifice is penetrated. Only then do we become aware of our sexuality. And no one reads erotica, masturbates, watches porn, or fantasizes until said penetration takes place.
8
They are NOT in a relationship. They have an online flirtation.

They (neither of them) have had sex, but each need scripts and props and D/s role playing to get off. Really?!? As a virgin, any actual girl I had any attraction to would have been fabulous.

And the dude (with his lady bits intact) will fly 4,000 miles to see a stranger, but won't drop trou? He needs to spend more time and money with a therapist than with (presumably) Virgin Atlantic.
9
Some guy she's never met in person is her "boyfriend?"

Also, it's reasonable for a virgin to have kinks, but that is quite a hefty collection, especially for someone who doesn't want his girlfriend to touch him below the waist. And the LW doesn't even mention what her "odd kinks" are!
10
@7, you apparently missed the part where I alluded to virginal IHSN jerking off to all sorts of shit. I came of age (heh) before the Internet, when porn wasn't quite so easy to come by (heh again). Beggars can't be choosers.

The point, which your straw-man asshattery completely missed, is that (younger) virgins are so obsessed with sex that "sex plus anything" sounds pretty fucking cool. Absent the experience of actually fucking, it's hard to determine whether it's the "sex" or the "plus anything" that's getting you off.
11
He might be her boyfriend but she absolutely has not been “dating” him. Also... How do they have intercourse without him taking his pants off? A strap-on over all his clothes? Is he even ineterested in intercourse?
12
@1 called it. This is faker than the fakest bit of fakery in Fake Town on Fake Day.
13
Pissing and shitting play? What the hell is that about?
I'm guessing some very weird toilet training went on in these peoples lives.
14
Either this is a fake (which I am not sure about...some girls ARE that irritatingly naïve) or this guy is an absolute NUT. Into very heavy sex play but still a virgin? I don't believe it.
15
I am calling fake too. It is like the letter writer picked every odd thing he/she could think of and added it all together into one very packed letter. If this was real, it would take a month of SLLOTDs to unpack.
16
@10 I was mostly able to distinguish between stuff I enjoyed thinking about and stuff I'd actually want to do when I was a virgin.Mileage varies. And lots of kinky people report having been aware of their kinks well before they started sexual activities with other people. So, it seems plausible to me. Some people know a lot about what they are into early on, others need to spend more time trying things to figure it out. Tastes can change a bit over time, and you may discover new things about yourself. But seriously, not everyone works the same way. Assuming people do is a really common and problematic mistake.
18
I don't necessarily think this is fake.

Sure, I never would have thought of half this shit when I was a young virgin, but I didn't have access to anything kinkier than 1970s Playboys. If I'd had access to modern internet porn and 4chan, I might have been a lot kinkier right out of the gate.

Still... you really can't start out with Ph.D level kink with two completely inexperienced virgins. That's like picking up a violin for the very first time and expecting to play Mozart. It's nice to have a goal in mind, but you gotta work up to it.

And Dan is completely right about long distance "relationships". If you've never met in person, you really don't know him all that well. What if he has disgusting breath or horrible body odor? What if he's on his best behavior for 10 minutes a day on Skype, but turns out to be a bit of an asshole to hang around with 24/7? What if he's a complete slob, or an obsessive neat freak? What if he's lying and he's 10 years older than he claims (skype image quality isn't that good, and he could be much older than he appears)? What if he smokes and you can't stand smoking? There are a thousand things you cannot know about this guy until you meet him in person, no matter how often you skype.

So, yeah... even if he's just hopping over the pond for a weekend, take things slow. Be prepared to call a halt to the kink train if things don't pan out quite like you expect. And don't expect to leap right in to BDSM and scat the first time you two virgins strip down. That's just crazy.
19
I really doubt that some guy from Britain is flying halfway across the world, to a woman who has expressed interest in his crazy-ass kinks, without a serious expectation of getting the sex that turns him on. This dude is flying out with expectations!

This is way too much pressure, and this girl is right to be nervous.
20
Fake, fake, a thousand times fake. Virgins, Trans, shit&pee, nothing below the waist, long distance relationship, etc. etc.! Really Dan I thought you'd been in this business long enough to know.
21
@10 I never that said kinks were set in stone or that the LW needs to try all of them out on her internet boyfriend. Only that being a virgin doesn't mean being unaware of your sexuality and what turns you on. Her kinks and tastes may well change once she starts having sex.

@16 makes a good point that everyone is different. Some people need years of experience to find out what they like and some know what they like from the start. Neither is wrong.
22
Doesn't seem fake to me... it's got too many specific references. Fakes are more vague.

Agree with @7. Anyone can have varsity league kinks they jack off/jill off to before ever even dating.

I personally think Dan's advice is perfect!
Essentially: Be positive and give it the benefit of doubt, but plan some escape routes just in case.

Disagree with Dan on the shit thing... YKINMKBYKIOK.
23
@22,

You Know It's Not My Kink, But Your Kink Is OK?

Holy fuck, if I just decoded that, I'm the greatest decoder type person in the history of human fucking civilization. I should be a goddamn cryptologist working for the NSA.

@5,

I couldn't figure yours out. Jesus ass, can't we just write shit out longhand? Is your time really so valuable that the 12 seconds your dumb acronym saves actually benefits you somehow? Fuck.
24
@23 You are functionally correct! This is indeed an established acronym for "Your Kink Is Not My Kink, But Your Kink is Okay". Congrats on your NSA job, don't be evil.

@5 It's an abbreviation of his screenname.
25
just going to point out that I had some pretty grim power-exchangey pain-play-y fantasies in highschool, before I'd ever even dated anyone. If I, at the tender age of fifteen, could get off on the things I got off on, I'm not going to call fake on this letter.

Some people just start to have desires like this early. *Shrug*
26
@23, if you couldn't figure out @5's acronym then I guess your claim to the title of "the greatest decoder type person in the history of human fucking civilization" is a bit thin. Not that I disagree with you about @5, though. Hmmm...

@5, "virginal IHSN": virginal In Her Screen Name? virginal Internet-Hogging Skype Nerd? virginal Idiot Holding Sick Notions? Imaginer Having Silly Nervousness? Innocent Hoping for Something New? I Hate Spiny Norman?
27
This isn't fake. This is the influence of the Internet. These two could easily have met in a niche community that is all about their specific kinks.

That said, even though many kinky people do have detailed fantasies and interests before we ever have sex, this young woman and her Internet boyfriend seem to think that fantasy maps 1:1 onto reality. That’s also an impression it's easy to get online, because of a lot of fiction and... um... semi-fiction or straight up lies about couples getting together for the first time and magically finding that their kinks and limits are perfectly compatible.

LW, you have to understand that's a fantasy. Try seeking out more experienced people who are committed to being realistic about kink, including risk awareness especially. You could try doing an anon ask to The Pervocracy's tumblr or posting this scenario at r/bdsmcommunity (not perfect as a group, but surprisingly good!) Good luck finding some mentoring and guidance. It may be weird to read me describing you as a beginner, since I bet you two have been thinking about kink for a long time. But, in practice, you are just barely about to get started. So take care and take Dan's advice.
28
Does anyone else think that the trans Brit boyfriend, in addition to being not a boyfriend, is also not trans? This seems the most likely reason for him to want to keep his pants on, to keep his cis penis under wraps. I assume he is in fact British.

Double down on Dan's advice.

29
@28 That would be a major case of being too crafty for his own good...he concocts a pointless tale about being trans, with the result that even after flying across the Atlantic to visit his Skype pal he can't do anything with her for fear of being unmasked as just another Brit with a dick?
30
Five will get you ten the boy never shows. This "relationship" is a fantasy.
31
@18, I was going to say, "checker players challenging Bobby Fischer to chess," but you got to the heart of it. Ditto to the comments that note the differences in single v. multiplayer sex: adding a partner/s could be comparable, could be a chasm of difference. Way too much for a first meeting among virgins. A solid response from Dan to what sounds like a very lonely young woman.
32
@ 18 - You missed a 70s sex classic - Xaviera Hollander's The Happy Hooker. My parents had a copy of it, and as soon as my English was good enough (age 12, year 1978), I read the whole thing, and discovered everything I needed to know about sex but was afraid to ask. And I do mean everything.

Of course, it was a cheap exploitation book, but in the end, it says a lot about human (sexual) nature, and her attitude towards sex and sexual orientation also helped me tremendously in accepting my being gay and kinky in an environment that was extremely hostile to both.
33
This smells fake to me, too.
34
I read the Story of O at 13 and was a devotee of the Usenet group alt.sex.bondage at 18, two years before I had intercourse. PIV doesn't do as much for me as BDSM, then and now. I think these people should get to know real people who do this stuff and live near them rather than pinning all their hopes on a short visit with a stranger months from now.
35
This letter sound like the quintessential Tumblr Girl. Not fake at all, just very young and more experienced with reading fanfic than interacting with actual human beings.
36
It's unfair to categorise all relationships that happen over the Internet as not being "real," and I think suggesting the LW doesn't know this person etc. is more likely to cause her to turn off and disregard other, pertinent advice than help her in any way.

It's also unfair to suggest people don't know their kinks if they've not had sex, but I completely agree that they may not map to reality, and these two may not realise that yet - but hey, that's hardly an end of the world situation, especially as they seem to have entirely different kinks anyway.

My main concern would actually be the last paragraph. I understand why the boyfriend doesn't want to be touched, although I don't think it's the healthiest way to deal with it, but the questions around that issue need directing *to the boyfriend* rather than an advice columnist. If LW and her boyfriend are able to discuss all kinds of kinky fantasies at length but they've not properly discussed how the more vanilla stuff is going to work, despite LW saying she wants to take things more slowly, I think that's something that needs discussion before he gets on the plane. Also, will the not-below-the-belt rule be permanent? Is LW OK with that?

The point about being afraid she'll do something wrong and he won't want her anymore is concerning, too. Has the boyfriend said something to make her think this is possible? Huge red flag, if so. Or is she just being nervous due to inexperience and a weird situation? If it's the latter, that needs discussion before the visit. I wouldn't be surprised if he's nervous, too!

Successful relationships which are mostly or entirely carried on online require a really high level of communication and openness. I would want the LW to make sure that before meeting up, there aren't any taboo topics between these two, and that her boyfriend is aware of her intentions as far as taking things slowly, and will be understanding about her nervousness and questions about what they can/can't do.
37
I appreciate some of the more honest comments here while others surprised me at just how many people claimed fake on my letter to Dan. I wanted to shed some light, that we weren't going to do all of any of them 100% but we were curious how people actually go about them.
Also, he's actually younger than myself and we've both dated local with no success. He's not visiting me for sex, it's mostly to see if we can work as a couple together. The fact we both haven't had sex is really secondary and I've had some experience nothing 'penetrative'. I was really nervous about writing the letter but thank you again for the helpful advice that was given.

Made this account to make this response and I did write the letter.
38
@37
He's not visiting me for sex, it's mostly to see if we can work as a couple together.

Thank you for registering and commenting. I was just about to make my own comment when I read yours which does give a different impression from what was in your original letter. I'm relieved to read that you are not going to be jumping into not only sex but kink on his first visit.

Still, despite your optimism, I hope you will be cautious as you're hoping his arrival will fill the three empty slots in your life: of having someone to date, enjoy sex and share kinks. Even though you might feel you're both already in the same groove in these areas from your internet and Skype chats, once you meet you may be surprised to see that, in person, you'll click on one or two, all three, or even none.

I hope that neither of you will feel pressured to pretend that everything is completely fine (or that you're disappointing the other) when it's not. I wish you lots of patience for talking through things (especially the kink, but even the sex ... and also whether this is going to be a long-distance relationship). Good luck.
39
Damn, I expect a lot better from commenters here, usually you guys know better. This easily sounds real to me. Easy access to the internet and Skype can spark up a relationship--yes, a relationship, given the amount of time and energy poured into it--with relative ease. "B-but t-this isn't a real relationship b-because they're not in the same place!" What exactly are you defining as a 'real' relationship? "Well there's just that special something there, and sex! How can they know what they like if they've never tried it?" I don't want someone to shit on me. I have never had someone shit on me, nor do I ever intend to have someone do it. Should I do it anyways because, hey, I've never tried it and maybe I'll really think it's great? Desire for something can be independent of experience with that thing in question.

Given plenty of hours of an internet connection where you can in seconds or probably at worst minutes find an entire galaxy of different kinds of fetish porn, it is entirely possible--probable, even considering how much time one has to spend online in order to have an online relationship of this nature--to develop a long list of kinks based mostly on porn. It is very unlikely that they will engage in that kind of behavior once they're together except in small increments, but that's entirely for them to figure out, which they will, if it all goes through. It could flop, but I imagine there's plenty of kinky shit that totally really real for serious face-to-face actual true couples would do but don't because reality isn't porn, something the writer will find out the hard way. Until then, let her enjoy her fantasies. Actually, I believe this more precisely because of the nature of the kinks, the fact that a partner is trans, the writer's tone, and the reported behavior of people around her. She's a virgin in college, she's got a computer, and this is how she spends her time. Fair enough.

I'm not saying this relationship will work out. I'm not saying it won't. I'm not saying I know for a fact it's real, how would I? But I am definitely saying it is possible, even probable, given the setup and the circumstances described. To those of you shitting a brick over how this relationship is "an online flirtation" or "not real" or how "they're virgins, how would they know?," I invite you to think critically about the idea that you can't know what you want before you have it and just how fucking stupid that sounds. This reminds me of parents who ask their gay kids if they know they're gay if they've never actually been with someone of the opposite sex. Disapprove of the notion all you want, but don't dismiss it purely because you think it's ill-conceived.

PS @8, fuck you, buddy.
40
LW @37, thanks for writing back! Have you tried taking classes in how to do your kink (consensual non-consent) safely? If you're near a big city there should be some organized education, and you could also find classes for beginner tops. Also, if you ignore Dan's advice about having the guy stay somewhere else, could you maybe find a cool friend to hang out with both of you at first, and be your safety check-in? Doing non-consent play with someone you only know online is a pretty risky decision.
41
@38
Yes, I've been making plans in cause things go bleh(relationship wise) and we'll probably only dabble with a few things to see what our comfort zone is. Nothing crazy for the visit ya know, I still gotta to go school with my body mostly functioning, haha. Your advice and concern is well appreciated and I'll make sure to double check all of our options before he does get here to make sure however things go that it'll be alright.

@39
I really appreciate you saying what you said and I applaud you. You made this college girl smile when she read it. Thank you, very much. Honestly, I was surprised by the reaction myself, since I love to read these letters and usually people are actually pretty helpful but this really threw me off to see so many people slap me down because of the content of my letter.

@40
Well, there are some but I'm really shy because most of them are so much older than me and also with living in the South there's still some under-line stereotypes that makes people give me weird looks from time to time(I'm an AA young lady). I will take another look though and see if there's something I can at least learn more about these things though. And yes! I love that idea of a friend being a moderator! Thank you for suggesting it! I'll also be partially in classes as well so it's not like he's going to be glued to my hip the whole time. He'll have time to go explore the city I live in on his own. The non-con play is a big 'IF' we may or not may not do it after we see how comfortable we are with each other. A lot of the things I listed above are mostly 'IF' and nothing written in stone.

To all the naysayers:
Doing what I in college(as a chemistry major) most of my time is spent online doing homework, experiments in labs and a lot of solo interaction(which I'm fine with because yay chemistry!). I do still go out and hang out with friends from time to time or just enjoy my solitude at home. I don't sit inside pinning about how lonely I am or that I NEED someone to fill my empty, sad sad life(my life is pretty awesome I think). I like how a lot a people are like 'lol whut virgin' when I CHOSE to remain as such not because I couldn't get laid. I wasn't interested in sex before because college is such a big part of my life and has been for a bit because of the intensity of the subject I chose.

It's refreshing for me to get the chance to think of something that is outside what I know about, exploring things sexually related, kinks and everything else is a fantastic journey in my mind. Yeah, some of those kinks are mighty weird as fook but hey! So what? We might not end up doing them, we might but either way it'll be a fun, learning experience for both of us.

42
Older doesn't always mean we have nothing useful to say, lol :-) But of course if people don't treat you with respect, then that's not the right place for you to learn. Maybe Dan's advice to read more is a good option for you. I like the New Bottoming Book and the New Topping Book. I've also heard good things about Tristan Taormino's The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge.

Also, are you on FetLife? Like any social networking site it has its share of idiots, but you can also find a lot of good information in the discussion groups.
43
@38: "I hope that neither of you will feel pressured to pretend that everything is completely fine (or that you're disappointing the other) when it's not. "

I think only time teaches that successfully.
44
@41: "I like how a lot a people are like 'lol whut virgin' when I CHOSE to remain as such not because I couldn't get laid."

You sure you're 21?
45
Female chemistry major dating across the pond? I don't think that she's comfortable with sex/romance. I can't believe that she's surrounded by repressed intellectual men and not biting into that fruit. If she's decent in her coursework, I'm sure she wouldn't have to get to know more than one or two of them before she'd have a salivating ready and willing kinkster on her hands, the supply of women who share their interests is scarce. She'd probably have to go vanilla for a few weeks before bringing up her kinks though (DDD?), to project an image of good judgement and self restraint.
46
@45: "I can't believe that she's surrounded by repressed intellectual men and not biting into that fruit."

Well, if she's real, she's repressed and shy herself. Though the letter and reply here sounded much younger in mind.
47
@46 Repressed and shy and considering shit play upon meeting this guy lol. No I think she sounds fairly self aware but inexperienced with sex & romance, nothing to be ashamed of. I'd send her to scarleteen before kink sites and publishers:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexual…
48
It's easier to commit to fantasy, even the more outlandish ones. I'm jussayin', if this is real, it may seem "safer" to discuss things with an internet stranger than it does someone in your classes that you know you're going to see every day.
49
SO FAKE.
50
Super late, but I met my current bf in person for the first time on our one year anniversary and I've since made 4 more visits (every 3 months). He was a shy, anxious virgin, I was not. My point is that long distance relationships can work out, and so can ones that begin online.

I've also dated someone who was trans, and my advice there is to let him set the pace and show you how you can touch him. See if he wants to talk about what you'll do together (in a playful/naughty way, but more details than fantasy), it's possible he has a strap on or other toy he wants to use on you, and it's ok to accept that's all he wants in terms of you giving him pleasure if he expresses that. Don't push to give him more or say that isn't "real" from his side. And definitely stay away from his nipples unless he specifically indicates you can play with them.
51
Super late, but I met my current bf in person for the first time on our one year anniversary and I've since made 4 more visits (every 3 months). He was a shy, anxious virgin, I was not. My point is that long distance relationships can work out, and so can ones that begin online.

I've also dated someone who was trans, and my advice there is to let him set the pace and show you how you can touch him. See if he wants to talk about what you'll do together (in a playful/naughty way, but more details than fantasy), it's possible he has a strap on or other toy he wants to use on you, and it's ok to accept that's all he wants in terms of you giving him pleasure if he expresses that. Don't push to give him more or say that isn't "real" from his side. And definitely stay away from his nipples unless he specifically indicates you can play with them.

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