Comments

105
Venn, for gods sake; the kid is. 31. Life is gonna transform him.
He can either just let that happen( which as I read it, he is), or he can use his noggin , and his cute young man self, and take his life- transform where he is now- into who he wants to be.
God, wish I'd had some people to closely advise me, when I was 31 yrs old.. Older people.
107
Seriously, girls- let us reason together.....


It what twisted corner of Hell is "She has hundreds of men lined up to take her out on dates and is gone most nights of the week. She has a few consistent guys and then is still meeting new dudes" a positive in any way for a "marriage"?
108
@107, they "have been growing into this for about two months." The hundreds of men just means she has posted a profile on a dating site; if you're an attractive woman you will get many responses each day. So she has met a few guys she likes, but none who make her want to stop seeing if someone better is out there. She's like a kid in a candy store. Most women don't stay there for long.

She may or may not find someone she likes as much as Larsadin ; she may or may not find someone she likes more than Larsadin . But that happens with monogamous marriages too. It's not at all clear that obstructing your partner's desire for outside sexual exploration is more likely to hold the marriage together than accepting it.

Speaking up for his own needs and expressing the hope that she'll put as much energy into the marriage as she puts into other dating opportunities... those are reasonable approaches, and should lay the groundwork for her to be reasonable when he gets more dating opportunities in the future.
110
108

Retch...

Traditional Heterosexual Marriage is the institution that made America great.

Whatever you call that abomination is what is destroying it.

Congratulations.
111
Actually, Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness is what made America great.



And in a nation with LIBERTY, who the fuck are you to decide what another person needs in their LIFE in order to make them HAPPY?



What makes America "great" is not that people have liberty AS LONG AS that "liberty" falls within a very narrow definition of acceptable practices. It is that they have the freedom to pursue whatever makes them happy, even if that end is entirely at odds with what ANOTHER person would find makes them happy.



If you disapprove of the lifestyle the letter writer chooses, then you are certainly free to not adopt a similar one. If you demand that they adopt the lifestyle that makes YOU happy, then I'm sorry, but you are un-American and against everything America stands for.
112
As a vet, I don't fight for the "freedom" to adhere to the strict definitions put forth in the Bible.

I fight for the freedom to do whatever the fuck you want, as long as it's legal, no matter how fucked up some people might think. That's what freedom means. If you have the desire to watch your wife get fucked by a thousand guys with huge penises, I may not understand that desire, but you absolutely have the right to pursue that goal.

113
@111&112: Your mileage may vary, but I've found it's usually best not to read the unregistered comments.
114
@larsadin: If it's your wife's actions (ditching you, including ditching you for the people who ditched you) that are making you unhappy, don't try to present it to her as something other than her actions. If it were just your (very normal) lack of success in finding outside partners that was bothering you, then it's fine to talk to her only about that, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Be clear about what's actually bothering you, even if that doesn't feel accommodating enough. Being accommodating isn't the only thing that's important.
115
@ 114 I have to agree. The LW appears to be going overboard to excuse the wife of any wrong doing. While that may be a good strategy in public (I think a husband should almost always back his wife publically) if that's how he actually feels there could be a serious problem.

He's pretty much being a doormat and nobody respects that. There is nothing wrong whatsoever with saying her actions are unacceptable. Doesn't mean she's a bad person or anything. Maybe she doesn't realize. But he's not being unreasonable at all.

116
Dan's right, totally cute pix! Don't mope at home, get out the door and out in the world and see what tomorrow brings . . . .
117
Hey just checking in to say that I had a pretty great weekend- even had a last minute date with a nice lady and got to make a new friend. The wife and I had an all-day date on Sunday and I got a lot of really encouraging emails with lots of advice.
Overall this has been a pretty positive experience so thanks for everyone who offered suggestions, especially Dan!
I probably won't check back here again but if you'd like to say hi please email me at the address I posted above- lars.adin83@gmail.com

One last note: This site should really consider disabling unregistered comments.
118
Ok, a few things.

First, Nonmogamy for Men by Peppomint. Google it, read it, learn from it.

Second, this is a rough position to be in. I was in a similar position for almost 7 years.

Third, because of the situation you are in you are going to have to have much lower standards than you otherwise would. As has been said before, it is a seller's market and you are buying. No matter what metric you use to evaluate a dating partner, the women will score below you.

Fourth, you have good looks. That's an awesome start. However, in order to get someone who is even vaguely acceptable(I'm not talking, "Kind of a hottie", I'm talking, "doesn't have serious mental illnesses") you will have to go WAY beyond that. Here are some things you should ask yourself.

1. Can you cook? How well? Do you have a signature dish? Going to the country/region where your signature dish is best known for a cooking class is the best way to perfect your signature dish, but lots of cooking classes are ok too.
2. Do you speak a foreign language? How many? How well?
3. Do you have a well researched opinion on art, science, literature? Can you explain the difference between Raphael and Jackson Pollock in one word, for example(that word, btw, is narrative)?
4. Do you have a good job? In this case a "good job" means that you should be in around the top 20% of your area.
5. Are you really, really good at relationships and communication? Are you a master at active listening, do you take and give feedback extremely well?

In brief, you can't just be attractive. You have to be attractive, cultured, generous, kind, an awesome communicator, pretty well off(if not straight up wealthy), creative and brilliant.

If you have all of those things, put yourself out there exhaustively, and have frequent access to a significant poly population(San Francisco is best but New York City would do in a pinch) you might be able to get involved in a poly network where you see your other significant other once a month or so and she will most likely have put less than half the personal work that you had to put in yourself.

Seriously. It is that brutal. If I were you I'd just close the relationship right now. It will save you a lot of heartache, pain, and work.

P.S.- I'm assuming that you don't need to do a lot of spiritual work or a few years of therapy, but that couldn't hurt.
119
Why would any single woman want to be some middle-aged married guy's piece of ass on the side? What are the single women going to get out of it? Sex with no strings? Big whoop! They can get that from single guys. Or a vibrator. Why is it married men think they're going to be such hot property in an open marriage? Your own wife, who presumably loved you at one time, is sick of your boring BS. No other woman is likely to be in the market for it!
122
@118 Mr. P. has #3 & #4 from your list and he gets to see his girlfriend once a week, which is as often as he wants to.

@119 She's going through a brutal divorce, and seems to like being taken out, shown off, listened to, and treated well.
123
@122

In that case I hope that Mr. P. knows how blessed he is. My experience, both lived and observed, was not quite so wonderful.
124
From all I have read I am apparently the only poly female in the world to get no takers while my husband has 'em lined up. but any way...





A poly marriage only works if the marriage is being taken care of. there is no excuse for dating so much you ignore your spouse and leave them alone the majority of the time.
125
You look like a total sweetheart in your photo and seem to have a heart of gold. I'd ignore any negativity and meditate on what it is you really need and conjure it. Sounds hippy, but it works. Picture her in great detail and meditate on how you want to feel when you're with her. It will come. You seem to be a seeker of quality where your wife may be looking for more variety. Nothing wrong with that, until there's something wrong with it. An old wise drag queen once told me, "You wanna know what LOVE is?!! You just go out and fuck everything you can, you'll learn what LOVE is!!"
126
You are the f'ing gorgeous! Keep in mind there are plenty of super hot, albeit a bit older, women that have no desire for a monogamous relationship. Open up your age group and be picky and find one that's right for you. Seriously you are HOT!
127
So hot...seriously sir, you are gorgeous! Maybe open up your age group a bit, still being picky mind you. I can't believe there isn't a line of beautiful women wanting to date you without a monogamous promise. I'm not single, nor wanting to be, but you are amazing!
128
"Some men in your position try correct for this problem, their particular disadvantage, by not revealing that they're marred and in open relationship until after they've gone on a date or two with a woman they met via OKCupid. A person who wouldn't date a hypothetical married man in an open relationship may feel differently after they've gotten to know a particular married man. It's a little manipulative but I don't think it rises to the level of dishonest assholery—not if the disclose comes soon after meeting and definitely before sex."

I strongly disagree. It does rise to the level of dishonest assholery. It's manipulative and cruel to lie about your relationship status just so you can get laid outside of your marriage, and let's make no mistake: he's not looking for dates. He wants to get laid. I usually agree with your advice, and you gave some good tips this time. This one wasn't one of them.

This guy has already found out most single women don't want to fake date married men. In other words, most single women don't want to be his fuck on the side. That's our choice. If men don't care, that's their choice too. Let them fuck all the married women who will have them. Playing dishonest games with women who are looking for more than a married man's night out though is purely an asshole move. His dick is not more important than a woman's personal rule about not dating or fucking married men. Period.
129
Man between work commitments, socializing with friends, doing chores and such I am lucky to get time for one good date and some quickies with my wife in a week. And we don't even have kids. What the fuck would one have to give up to be able to go on a date every day? No job? Don't cook at home? Hire a maid? No hobbies? I can understand the desire to get some on the side but I just can't fathom having the emotional and financial capitol to support multiple simultaneous serious relationships for the long haul. There is only so much attention and horny to go around.
130
Hi looked at the profile. You are adorable and sexy. But if I were you I'd switch the main photo. The helmet is good, but maybe a little bit dorky. I'd put the one of you on the sofa with the dog. You look so fuckable in that one.
131
I checked out the profile too. Pretty adorable. If you were on my side of the country, I'd be writing.



My fiance and I date outside of our relationship too and he references me a couple of times and we have a photo up together even though it says we date separately. This has seemed to endear him to women. And he's a good guy, so it's not unwarranted. He actually has no problem meeting people, but on more than one occasion, men I've gone out with have told me that they have trouble finding dates so yes, I guess this is pretty common.



In the meanwhile, go out and do other stuff like Dan said! Call the friends you had when you were single.
132
@Larsdin, I agree with Dan that you're a handsome, hot guy, and I too would fuck you if I had a vagina (and single or poly). Nice OKC profile, too. Seems to me that your ability to attract women is just about the fact that you're in a relationship and it's a numbers game regarding the women willing to engage in a poly relationship with someone who's married.



D in Sydney
133
It will get better as you get older, there are a significant number of women my age (59) who don't want another man to take care of, just a friend with benefits on the side. My husband is in a nursing home.
134
I'm wired-into the nerd communities of Boston and the Bay Area, and I can say without reservation that at least half of the straight polyamorous couples I know consist of a woman who wants to be 'poly', and knows that she will have no trouble getting partners because women are scarce in that community, and a man who basically dislikes it but puts up with it because that's the price of being with his partner to any extent.

(My father reported the opposite as obtaining in Paris post-W.W.II: most women he knew of whose husbands had mistresses or lovers didn't like it so much as have to put up with it due to the sex-ratio...which wasn't as tilted as among the nerds I know, and so more of the women were able to have at least one lover than pseudo-'poly' men get some extra benefit from the arrangement.)

I am trying not to criticise the women who allow this unfair an arrangement, as I know a few of them to be very nice people who guilessly and un-{self-critically} act to their own advantage and aren't given much of a chance to know how hurt some of their partners feel, since their partners hide it lest they lose what they've got, or out of some {science fiction}-derived or Randroid belief that they 'ought' to be cool with it.... and, frankly, because I doubt the men involved would behave any better did they but have the opportunity, if the behaviours of those among them who get very rich are any guide, though on the whole I think they are more continent, perhaps out of sheer habit, than the general run of multi-millionaire.

(I wasn't cool with it, let my partner know it, and as it turned-out she cared enough for me and how I feel, cared little enough for stringing-along extra beaux, and frankly admitted that she was relieved at being able to turn would-be suitors away with a simple excuse that spared their feelings. I did have a dog in this fight,but much more recently, by decades, my opinion is informed by my shoulder's evidently being very attractive to the weepy of all genders....)
135
Just a heads up, as a single (hetero) dating woman with not a lot of free time, I would be super pissed...I mean throwing a drink at your face kind of pissed...if I went on a date with a guy who then said he was married.



If you're going to go on a date with a singleton, learn how to suss out what s/he is looking for - the quicker, the better.



Other than that, I have no other advice.
136
Just a heads up, as a single (hetero) dating woman with not a lot of free time, I would be super pissed...I mean throwing a drink at your face kind of pissed...if I went on a date with a guy who then said he was married.

If you're going to go on a date with a singleton, learn how to suss out what s/he is looking for - the quicker, the better.

Other than that, I have no other advice.
137
Disclosure: I have not read anything but the initial headline and paragraph.





What I have to say is, this situation is completely typical.


* There was a time when my wife had me and 2 boyfriends; I had only my wife.


* There was a time when I had my wife and 2 girlfriends; my wife only had me.


* My girlfriend now has a husband and 2 boyfriends; I have only her. (Unfortunately, my wife is no longer in my life and "to qualify", it didn't end because of poly issues like non-poly people like to blame.)





The point is, your time will come when you are dating and your wife will be staying home alone. It won't be tomorrow. It probably won't be next month. It may be the case that you only have your wife a year from now. It may be 2 or 3 years before you have multiple partners and she's complaining about sitting at home.





Rob
138
@124 - You're definitely not the only woman who's ever been on that end of the equation, that's for sure.

I'm facially attractive, fit-enough (far from perfect, but a size 6-8), & am often told I look much younger than my 39 years. However, I'm also boyish/androgynous (read: I mostly get hit on by femme women) and submissive (just like most of the men attracted to me, unfortunately), which means that I've typically done most of the work when it comes to finding compatible dates with dudes. I got a fair number of messages from incompatible men on OKC and the like until I was 35, but after that the numbers dropped off sharply - I hadn't aged ungracefully overnight, but a lot of men's set parameters seem to be capped at that magic number, even if they themselves are significantly older.

My last partner was conventionally handsome, 8 years younger than me, very personable, and a skilled craftsman. He had no trouble meeting women, both on and offline, and usually spent as many nights away from me as with me. I, on the other hand, managed to round up two decent dates in a good month - this was in the allegedly genderqueer-friendly Bay Area, mind you - and the vast majority of these went nowhere because I was looking for ongoing emotional connections/dating in addition to sex and most men in open relationships are, in my experience, merely/mostly looking to get their rocks off. When I spoke to the imbalance in our extrarelational forays to my ex, attempting to be somewhat accommodating and understanding, he implied that I shouldn't "punish" him for my lack of success. However, I was fine with him going on two dates a week provided he communicated clearly and honored boundaries. We clearly had very different understandings of the word "primary" - he wanted permission to get another woman pregnant, and not via turkey baster - and the pain of all of this was compounded by the fact that although I am a cuckquean, that kink of mine was not indulged - the potentially best part about being poly, for me, wasn't a possibility...too bad, as it would have made the "lonely nights" the above reader speaks of a lot more exciting.

However, all things in life are relative. My current partner has an extremely stigmatized physical disability and is introverted to boot, and although we're theoretically in an open relationship, I've rarely felt it is completely fair to actively seek out new partners since I know that finding casual, or even secondary, partners will be very difficult for him. At this point, our existing arrangement mostly exists to accommodate the emotional/romantic relationship I have with my ex-girlfriend (who understandably dumped me for being much less queer than I look - heck, she needed to get some - but with whom the ties are still strong.)

I've written thorough, thoughtful profiles that have garnered me many compliments, and am far from socially awkward - but at the end of the day I'm still a gender-nonconforming woman in a heteronormative world - not most men's cup of tea; certainly not most dominant men's. Not having seen the author's profile, I suspect he's far less niche than I am, so he may just have to keep putting himself out there - someone's liable to bite sooner or later. He may also try to challenge his personal attractions: it's usually the same 10% of the women getting 90% of the attention, and plenty of thirtysomething women who aren't Katy Perry lookalikes would likely be glad for a bit of positive attention.
139
Hi Dan and all you lovely readers - Mrs. WSID here! Imagine my surprise when my dear husband started a conversation yesterday with "I have something funny to share with you..."



I truly appreciate Dan and everyone's feedback, and just want to say.. I agree! I've been an inconsiderate jerk! Not on purpose of course, but I took this gift we gave each other and ran with it, inadvertently leaving Mr. WSID in the dust. In the 7 weeks since we pulled the open/poly trigger, I've been a kid in a candy store. I've never dated anyone except Mr. WSID, all of these cute boys (and girls!) like me and want to kiss me, and it's like I've be subconsciously trying to make up for the last 10 years of not dating right this second. Except I've quickly seen that it's a recipe for burnout and making your partner feel like poo. Also I just miss him. He's a truly wonderful guy, and an awesome husband, and he's super hot and great in bed. You should date him. But not on any of the four days a week that we've now designated as coveted him and me time.



Thank you fine folks for your thoughts, advice, and even for calling me out. Despite the bumps we've experienced so far, we both agree that this has been the right decision for us a couple in many ways. We knew virtually nothing about how to be poly, or that it even was a thing two months ago, so we're grateful to be catching the things that might break us early on.



Mrs. WSID
140
Hmm, well I can say that I used to be in a marriage in which we swung occasionally. I really never wanted to. And it bothered me to watch my ex- husband with other women. Finally I said he could go ahead and have occasional interludes with women. And , see , here's the thing. Most young women don't want to swing or be poly. So he had dates with women in their late 40's -50's. I said I wanted fun too and I had all kinds of offers from handsome, 20 something guys. My ex got jealous ( FINALLY) and said he wanted to be monogamous. We're long divorced and I'm in a great relationship who a man who doesn't want to be with anyone else.
141
@139: Oh my gosh, you two are so nice! Best of luck and have fun!
142
As a swinger to a quad style rekationship to an open dating individual I get your struggles. Swinging can be fun but its hard to find two people that click let alone 4...a quad can be good but hindering one relationship on another has its challenges. As an open male you are probably going to start slower and your wife with a bang! This is normal from my experience. What I find is girls have numbers but lack quality. I have watched my wife go on three times as many dates than me and most ended up very subpar. I on the other hand go on fewer but the typically last longer and are more meaningful.



Make sure you communicate with your wife, tell her how you are feeling. What you want and what you need is critical to this lifestyle. If you're pouting around that is a piss poor way to communicate and just a form of jealousy. It will lead to both of you disengaging. I would find a poly friendly therapist early you will probably need it! These issues are very difficult to overcome on your own. It takes work, alot of it.



Lastly give it some time, two months is nothing, go on a date you wouldn't typically go on. Go with an open mind to learn new things. You will find a one maybe two or more through this process it just takes time...and be ready to love...because it will happen and when it does your wife will notice and you will have alot harder time listening to her insecurities if you have resentment that she didn't listen to yours.



Communicate, communicate and when you think you are done communicate some more.
143
Yeah!! Good to hear Lars and Ms Lars.
Must admit , I just didn't feel Lars was getting it
( like, grab that's girl's hair Lars, and pull her back into the cave- that was an image that came up for me. How very unfeminist of me)..
Good news. Gotta look after the loving you two have got.
Take it easy..
144
I'm exactly in the range of Lars, physically, but I don't know what he's looking for otherwise, but maybe some tips might be welcome. These are just mine, but I am your target so might help.

Go to the gym. You're adorable, and a little extra umph makes a heap of difference. Nice guy and then a peek of a some sexy arms? Sold. You have a closed door to LTR, so you need to up the beefcake factor. If you can't be my boyfriend you've got to counter by being the sexy thing I do for fun. I'm not cutting you down - you are attractive - but what works for a bf needs to be magnified for a sex friends+ position, at least for me. Talk more about what you'd like in a girl - do you like em smart, funny, sarcastic? Just a teeny bit less vague - I don't want to feel like your type is "female" even if it is - i need to feel special and chosen. And your profile says casual but you say you'd like an emotional connection - there's a disconnect there. I'd say, "looking for a fun, interesting, and possibly ongoing relationship - I'm open to hookups but more excited by a real friendship with great chemistry." About your wife, "I'm in a healthy, stable open marriage and not looking to change that, but I have the freedom to pursue great connections outside of it." Me being poly and looking for the same, my fear about married guys is that they're only available every second Tuesday. I'd want a clear indication that you've got time to see me regularly, but I also like to know that the primary relationship is stable and respected. And most importantly, cultivate your friendships and hobbies. A full life is an interesting one. If all you've got to talk about is your wife, that'll get old really quickly.

Go out some, try tindr, don't get discouraged. You'll find it, you just need confidence and a bit of fine tuning.

And Mrs Lars, go you! Glad you're reining it in just a bit for now to support the hubby. Also glad you're having such fun!
145
@139: Thanks for writing in, you seem like a sweetheart.

It seems like nobody warns people who are about to get into a one-sided open relationship that your partner is making a huge sacrifice for your happiness, so you should do something one-sided to make it worth it for them.

Just from what you two have written--I don't have anything else to go on--it looks like all the bumps have been on his side, and all the benefits on yours. I hope you make it up to him somehow, because he might be too selfless to let on, but this kind of thing corrodes marriages extremely quickly.

Plenty of people will tell you that as long as his wife is happy, a husband is happy by default, but it's not true. He's not just half a couple, he's a person. It's easy to forget that.

146
ugh, I would totally date you! :) and glad to hear from you, Mrs. WSID. I am bookmarking this SLLOTD to show a friend who is going through the exact same situation.
147
Please don't finesse your profile to come off as more of a "Bad Boy". People are attracted to passion...passion for art, social causes, baseball..your dog. Anything, really. I see mention above of your photo being in an office setting, perhaps snap a selfie of you doing something you enjoy (I mean in the cleanest sense of the term...skiing or out for a walk with your dog)...the smile that hits ones eyes when you are doing what you love is pretty contagious and completely approachable. Good luck! I hope you find what you need.
148
139

fake
149
As someone who has practiced every form of responsible non-monogamy out there from open relationships to swinging to polyamory (and who is a doctor with degrees in psychology, reproductive health, and health behavior), I think Dan's advice was right on the money...

A situation with this much imbalance in it, especially with you already feeling lonely and left behind, will not end well - resentment will build, your relationship with her will suffer, and it could end explosively.

Open, honest communication is key to the success of any relationship, ESPECIALLY ones that involve non-monogamy. It's also important, when you're opening your relationship up, to ensure that your primary partner's needs are still getting met - and right now yours clearly are not. You need to discuss and set some ground rules... like that you spend at least X evenings a week together, or that she only go out on X dates a week or something like that.

There's another notion that works well for a lot of people (and worked well for me when I was in an open relationship where it was super easy for me to find guys interested in dating me, but seemed nigh impossible for him to find a woman even willing to be platonic friends with him once they found out he had a girlfriend (he always was honest about it, and I was happy to talk to them to confirm I was OK with it)): we had an agreement that I was only allowed to go out with other guys at times when he had someone in his life to go out with as well - it didn't always have to be on the same evening, but if he didn't even have someone he had the option of making plans with that week, I refrained from hook-up type dates with guy friends.

Fast forward to next big relationship... we were swingers and had an open relationship (e.g. we were allowed to play separately), and eventually even delved into polyamory. But we always had one important rule - nobody's left home alone twiddling their thumbs. It did make scheduling our dates a little more difficult (trying to coordinate 4 peoples' schedules instead of two), but it meant we always had our 'date nights' with other people on the same evening, and neither of us ever ended up sitting at home alone feeling bummed or lonely while our partner was out having wild and crazy sex with someone else - which doesn't lead to happy feelings (for us, anyway). He had a lower sex drive than me, and was fine with me having wild and crazy sexy with my boytoy while he was with his girlfriend and just hanging out, as long as he was in a situation where he COULD pursue sex if he wanted to, he was fine with it. There were also a few times where he was heading out for the evening to do something non-sexual (like going with a friend to a concert for a band I had no desire to see), and he gave me the go-ahead to get together with my playmate(s) so I wasn't sitting home alone, because he wanted me to be enjoying my evening as well.

Long story short, there are many ways to be accommodating to your wife's desire for dating/sex with other people while keeping yourself from being miserable because you're home alone a lot. I think that for you two, limiting the nights she leaves you home alone, and making sure you schedule ample time for the two of you could be the most important steps to take. When you get to the point where you're having completely independent sex lives and/or are having more sex with other people than with each other, it can easily lead to problems in your marriage... tread carefully, and be clear with each other that your primary partner's needs ALWAYS come first.
150
so to start with credentials: I dated married couples and married men, I am very familiar with this area of relationship science. also I spent quite a bit of time on OKC. I'm a female in my 30s from a fun place called San Francisco. I am a huge Dan's fan.



@larsadin

1. don't lie on OKC. that is a lie. and it's shitty. you are not going to start a good thing from such lies.

2. get offline. when you are talking to someone in person and your full charm is in place, disclosing the fact that you are in an open marriage is at least a conversation starter. yes, you will be rejected more than signle guys. but that's a given. your chances offline are much higher. you can use your brain and be cool and fun about it. you can do a unicorn hunt for the both of you, too. it's a sexy fun conversation to have with a lady. if you are cool about it and take no for an answer.

3. don't lie online that you are single.



good luck


151
@144, and all others telling this gent to join a gym...

Big arms may well be your fetish, but in my experience, height trumps all else as a deciding factor in casual hetero sexytimes. A 6'4" beanpole will have far more luck with the ladies than a 5'6" beefcake.

The OP's height will be the deciding factor, and a gym membership will do nothing to aid that.
152
@151, I'm 5'4" and I don't find guys attractive over 5'11". Too uncomfortable, craning my neck. I'll date guys shorter than me, but I don't run into many. I don't think I'm that unusual. Also, I don't care about muscles. I want someone happy and without too many issues.
153
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! This guy lives to "serve" his wife and this experiment was to give her a chance to "catch up" sexually and this is a "gift" he is giving her, but now he's whining about it working? I call bullshit. Sounds a lot more like he thought he was gonna be up to his eyeballs in girl parts--and now that he finds out he's not, the deal is less appealing. Newsflash, buddy: Nothing attractive (to current partners or prospective ones) about neediness and whining.
155
@152: As a man of perfectly average height, I salute you, ErikaP. (Also, I dig your advice in an earlier comment about your husband proclaiming you two "have an arrangement". I may have to use that...)

But as a non-monogamous dude who has been in the same kind of situation as the OP, I've found women like yourself are in the minority. Perhaps 6'4" may be a bit much but, all things being equal, a few inches will tip the balance when we're talking about a casual situation.

Commenters are correct, however, in that the OP may need to transition from "boyfriend material" into "casual fling material"; if for no other reason than to open up his options a bit. Few women will be comfortable with the idea of being a full-on secondary partner, but those willing to overlook his relationship status for a hot fling? Probably more numerous. How he makes this transition will depend on the strengths of his personality that can be played up for maximum effectiveness. One doesn't need to become a "bad ass". You can be respectful, be articulate, but at the same time still project the idea that you're interested in an awesome sexual situation with the right person. Just play up whatever those aspects may be, and don't be a simpering milquetoast, and I think you'll have better luck.
156
@18 (guy who wrote the letter)



You are super cute, it will happen. I'm 34 cis female pan/omnisexual and Poly. it took me and my partner some time to get things balanced and be on the same page - but it happened and now it's going strong and we are both happy. Ditto what others said about a poly group and going out to do some fun social things. I had a good experince with the local Poly group on meetup, but I always have an easier time getting men than women and he has more difficulty overall. I think based on historical violence and social pressure many women are more cautious meeting new men.



On that note - please please please think about taking your new found enlightenment and addressing some of the gender unequal ideas and speech you use. I'm sure unintentional but you sound like a.great guy and I know I and my poly girlfriends would not be turned on by your "I'll try to man up and stop bitching about it." shit



Good luck to you!
157
Judging from the replies here many women would in theory date you, LW. Not sure if there is a correlation with the number of women who would date you in practice.

    Please wait...

    and remember to be decent to everyone
    all of the time.

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