Fifty Terrible Lines from Fifty Shades of Grey


Were those in order of ranking? It's hard to tell if the first ones are any worse than the last ones.
good to see you branching out from TV criticism
I love all the bold word highlights. Are they coincidentally all the titles of Paul Constant novels?
A post as boring as its subject.
"3) "He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And… a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy fuck. Sweet mother of all… Jeez.""…
@5, many thanks.
The porn industry has higher standards than this dross. This is on par with Boogie Nights' movie-within-the-movie in which Amber Waves is seducing Dirk Diggler.

Please don't flush tampons down the toilet.

Agree with @8: it's total irresponsible of him to toss the tampon in the toilet.

On the other hand, it is my understanding that erections do spring free.…
Wow, can anyone be that good a reader? I think Sedaris must have rehearsed it at least once.
That writing was so bad it made me want to wrench the screen right off my laptop and bludgeon myself unconscious with it. Maybe I'm different from other people, but is it too much to expect erotica to be decently worded?

Those excerpts were unnecessarily verbose in some places and downright bland in others with the overall impression, as is sadly common in fanfiction, that the writer was jotting down an imagined stream of thought without any reworking. The overuse of ellipses exacerbates this. I'd call the word choice 'inexpert', for that matter; many constructions were redundant or nonsensical and seemed to have been added in simply to pad out sentences.
Was the book even edited? Hell, I polish most of the comments I make on SLOG to improve their readability and style. It seems implausible that a book could be written, be followed by two sequels, and be made into an equally awful movie without being edited at some point.
@11 - that piece of garbage was originally a self-published e-book/print on demand paperback. Perhaps she had some editing with the sequels, but clearly there was none on the original book. These quotations reminded me quite strongly of Anne Rice's efforts; I've always suspected that the editing done on her books was done by her under a different name, because it never seemed to result in improvement.
Even worse than I feared. And, yet, unsuspecting women who thought they were being daring and naughty (for reading it in public) ate it up. When, by rights, it should have been thrown up.
I would rather read the full Penny Arcade version.
That this sad (albeit entertaining) post has generated now 15 comments is testament to how sorely we miss weekend news threads.
I read a page or two in a bookstore once... it did nothing for me. I feel worse for having read these quotes. It's the ugliest shame that my friends who are writers, who spend their time slaving away at office jobs and food service, will never be as widely read as the author who penned those juvenile sentences. Calling the work "juvenalia" is even a step too far -- good authors eventually get 'round to writing something worthwhile. The people who have allowed themselves to be associated with this stuff deserve the cancer that children get.
OK, dude above me is Number 0. Harrummph.

It's much better if you read them aloud in the voice of either Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin, or Fargo’s Marge Gunderson.
@0: Are you a robot?
What if it turned out that Harper Lee's second book had the same plot as 50 Shades of Grey.

It won't.
Now all it needs is a 50 Shades of Fight Club --- "I am Jack's inner goddess, smirking revengefully..."
David Sedaris is good, but nobody can match the sublime reading by..….

Oh my good God! Why did I read this? PAIN, PAIN, EXCRUCIATING PAIN! Her subconscious sleepwalks? Her inner Goddess is a boxer? Is Christian Whozeewhatzit Wm. Steven Humphrey's secret alter ego? Is Slog the red room of pain?
Millions more watch the Bieb than Jimi Hendrix on YouTube, and this woman is the highest paid writer in the world! Sigh, humans deserve to go extinct.
I mean.. artful it ain't, but honestly I found it charming in its amateurishness. I thought the "inner goddess" device was cute. The fake swearing ("double crap!") tickled me. Call me uncultured, but I thought it was fun.
"It reads like erotic Sonic the Hedgehog fanfiction"…
@25: Yeah, I saw that too. I like Ms. Moen's sense of humor and drawing style, but I'm definitely judging her a little bit for having apparently read erotic Sonic fanfics as a youth. The Sonic fandom is weird enough without making it sexual, at which point they become even weirder than furries in my opinion.
How is this shit more famous then all of lovecraft and edgar allen poe's works combined? Seriously!