Slog Mar 25, 2015 3:30 PM

Savage Love Letters of the Day: You've Got Hate Mail

by Dan Savage

Comments

1
Wi-band Hus-fe sounds like the name of a Dutch superhero.
Urgutha Forka on March 25, 2015 at 3:36 PM · Report this
2
Seattleblues finally summoned up the courage to write Dan directly. And of course he wants "details."
Sandiai on March 25, 2015 at 3:46 PM · Report this
3
You know you're doing something right when you get a letter like that.
Hernandez on March 25, 2015 at 3:47 PM · Report this
4
Wow, someone's pretty invested in your marriage being an unhappy failure make-believe feces-ingesting extravaganza. I wonder why he cares so much?
nocutename on March 25, 2015 at 3:48 PM · Report this
5
So many real problems in the world to be solved. Why would someone take so much time to obsess about a gay marriage that's really not harming anyone at all? MYOB!
Cynara on March 25, 2015 at 3:49 PM · Report this
6
Wi-band Hus-fe - some new kind of wireless connectivity exclusively for the gay-marrieds!
drawn on March 25, 2015 at 3:57 PM · Report this
7
"Wi-band Hus-fe" - new wireless connectivity options exclusively for the gay-married couple who has everything
drawn on March 25, 2015 at 4:00 PM · Report this
8
I am constantly amazed by how ignorant, vile & disturbed people like "not a lemming" can be. Is this shit head Christian lawyer/activist who wants to start a ballot initiative making it legal to execute people for being gay? It sounds like the work of such a coward.
TampaDink on March 25, 2015 at 4:00 PM · Report this
9
Oops, the first comment didn't show up so I posted again.
drawn on March 25, 2015 at 4:02 PM · Report this
10
What a sad letter! Closet case? Self-hater? Late-stage syphilis? Ugly and unloved?
iseult on March 25, 2015 at 4:04 PM · Report this
11
I think Dan is a really awesome guy. Then again he did just call someone's sexual feelings childish in his last column. Hm.
Philophile on March 25, 2015 at 4:04 PM · Report this
12
heh...it was nice of you to give his lame neologism a platform though...so he can't whine about not getting a shot when it doesn't go anywhere.
AFinch on March 25, 2015 at 4:16 PM · Report this
13
Props to NAL for the best-written piece of misinformed hate-mail ever. Very little froth at the corner of that mouth, if you catch my drift.
fetish on March 25, 2015 at 4:17 PM · Report this
14
@11 being icked out by human biology is pretty childish, especially when one expects a partner and their "sex" to be reality free. but there are plenty of asexuals that are icked out by even more. maybe that dumb woman just needs to find someone more disapproving than she is to realize how childish that approach to life actually is.
thelandofnod on March 25, 2015 at 4:17 PM · Report this
15
Are lemmings typically gay or something? I don't get it.
Dougsf on March 25, 2015 at 4:18 PM · Report this
16
I think it was kind of Dan to provide us all with NAL's email address.
chvb on March 25, 2015 at 4:31 PM · Report this
17
Margaret Cho-inspired fisting classes? I don't think I could manage the homework with a full load.
DJSauvage on March 25, 2015 at 4:32 PM · Report this
18
@14 Nod - Maybe being icked out by women is childish of Dan. Maybe he should man up.
Philophile on March 25, 2015 at 4:39 PM · Report this
19
I thought about a snarky comment, but really, I'm just sorry, Dan, that you and everyone else has to deal with stuff like this.

Speaking of which, did folks read that Ben Carson:
1. claims Pres. Obama is a psychopath because Obama looks so "elegant"?
2. has Armstrong Williams as his personal assistant?!!!!!!

Yes, Armstrong Williams, another black conservative homophobe, one who had to settle a sex harassment suit brought against him ….

So I mention Carson, who, if I am not mistaken, has a standing offer of some sort from Dan, because like the letter writer, there's a pretty strong obsession with behaviors associated with gay men.
seatackled on March 25, 2015 at 4:40 PM · Report this
20
I am invoking Poe's Law ... because that sort of hate mail is ... is ... is ... well, let's just say it qualifies. To the one, I want to reiterate your own past writings on fake letters; to the other, yes, I have known bigots who really were that much a caricature unto themselves.
BD on March 25, 2015 at 4:42 PM · Report this
21
Nice fella. I hope he writes again.
J.R. on March 25, 2015 at 4:45 PM · Report this
22
"neologist"
pox on March 25, 2015 at 4:46 PM · Report this
24
I for one think NAL makes a good point: Margaret Cho is inspiring.
saxfanatic on March 25, 2015 at 4:56 PM · Report this
25
My own husband just died. Most people who are committed to their partner - and I include Mr. Savage and his partner - don't turn around and hop into bed with someone else. It is incredibly disrespectful to relationships everywhere to believe that death quickly ends a relationship.
westello on March 25, 2015 at 5:14 PM · Report this
26
The path to justice is littered with obstacles like NAL and too many are formidable people in positions of power, but there is a momentum to truth that allows it to step over, around or on those who stand in the way - his misplaced anger and confusion won't stop justice, or truth. A sad, sad man indeed.
Jaymz on March 25, 2015 at 5:18 PM · Report this
27
Is Thug Life 2 @23 a new persona for SB? No one but SB refers to Dan as "Danny".

And I still think that SB is a different incarnation of our former pal, Loveschild. Strange how s/he disappeared right around the time SB inflicted himself upon us, and hasn't been heard from again.
Jared Bascomb on March 25, 2015 at 5:19 PM · Report this
28
That Margaret Cho, performing valuable public services like adult sex education in her spare time! Does that woman NEVER STOP GIVING BACK?!
Pope Buck I on March 25, 2015 at 5:20 PM · Report this
29
@westello: I'm sorry for your loss.
nocutename on March 25, 2015 at 5:21 PM · Report this
30
I'm glad NAL is not a lemming. I like lemmings.
originalcinner on March 25, 2015 at 5:25 PM · Report this
31
Re: PAUCE/Birth control

Oh, yeah, there are other options. I had forgotten about IUDs after my mother went through menopause. Being old and gay has made me forgetful of such things.
Absurdist1968 on March 25, 2015 at 5:27 PM · Report this
32
I just got a new copper IUD; if you don't mind the slightly heavier periods, they're wonderful. Effortless, 10-year no baby zone.

Westello @ 25 - I'm very sorry. I'm not sure what to read into your comment, but I don't think Dan's brief response to that topic was intended to imply disrespect, only to correct a double standard.
thene on March 25, 2015 at 6:16 PM · Report this
33
I should point out that "not a lemming" doesn't mean what he thinks it means:
* http://www.snopes.com/disney/films/lemmi…
* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lemming#Mi…

I'd suggest he stops believing what other people tell him about lemmings and maybe get to know some lemmings himself before rushing off a cliff in judgment.
zachd on March 25, 2015 at 6:21 PM · Report this
34
Since NAL clearly believes, without evidence, that lemmings do follow others blindly and throw themselves off cliffs (which is the metaphor he was aiming for about our increasingly less homophobic society), he's proven that, contrary to what he says, he actually is what he thinks lemmings are.

Ricardo on March 25, 2015 at 6:37 PM · Report this
35
@25

I am sorry for your loss. :(

@32: I don't think she was suggesting Dan was being disrespectful. That was part of the LW's fantasy.
seatackled on March 25, 2015 at 6:52 PM · Report this
36
It never ceases to amaze me that there are so many people (usually "disgusted" straight guys) who protest homosexuality by thinking about it ALL THE TIME.
Haley on March 25, 2015 at 6:57 PM · Report this
37
A very thoughtful note. This guy obviously thinks about gay mena lot. I mean like, all the time. Hot sweaty muscular men dancing and grinding and getting all gayed up. The kind of men that makes him get all worked up and write to a gay man just to tell him how disgusted he is with all this gay stuff. Totally not gay.
mrbarky on March 25, 2015 at 6:59 PM · Report this
38
@25: Oh westello I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine.
Please accept this awkward internet hug:
Lissa on March 25, 2015 at 7:04 PM · Report this
39
ALOT - In Dan's defense, birth control probably isn't his strongest suit.
Robby on March 25, 2015 at 7:21 PM · Report this
40
I feel like this troll has been around a while -- I recall some comments specifically obsessed with feces-eating.

These schmoes really, really want to believe that all gay men have anal sex, that no one else does, and that anal sex is scat play. Since none of those propositions are correct, it's kind of mystifying.
Cat in fez on March 25, 2015 at 8:07 PM · Report this
41
The sponge is great...
Sandiai on March 25, 2015 at 8:16 PM · Report this
42
So sorry, Westello.
Sandiai on March 25, 2015 at 8:33 PM · Report this
43
Sorry for your loss Westello.
gnossos on March 25, 2015 at 8:40 PM · Report this
44
Thank you westello for your very thoughtful words, and please accept my condolences.
sperifera on March 25, 2015 at 9:01 PM · Report this
45
Somebody around here is damaged and sad, but it's not who the letter writer thinks it is.
Gurldoggie on March 25, 2015 at 10:46 PM · Report this
46
A versatile sponge, Sandiai, @41.
LavaGirl on March 26, 2015 at 1:30 AM · Report this
47
Yeah Dan, this guy wants all the sexy details of you and Terry's home life.
So he can sit there and rub one out.
LavaGirl on March 26, 2015 at 1:33 AM · Report this
48
At least he did okay with spelling and grammar, even though neologisms aren't his thing. Better than the average hate mail, probably. Bonus points for that.
Eudaemonic on March 26, 2015 at 7:06 AM · Report this
49
Seriously LW; where the hell do you get off. Silly question, cause we all Sussed what gets you off.
Dan and Terry have reared a child, who has become a healthy young man. Doing that from their love.
Their love for each other and their son.
You don't know what love is.
Ugly little person that you are.
LavaGirl on March 26, 2015 at 7:33 AM · Report this
50
As a straight guy I always wonder why homophobes don't realize that the more gay men there are, the less competition we have.
Lemming on March 26, 2015 at 8:57 AM · Report this
51
Poor NAL, someone pissed in your Wheaties and now it's Teh Gays fault. Please seek help you miserable person, it's your only chance of not dying alone.
despicable me on March 26, 2015 at 9:36 AM · Report this
52
@ 50 - Since so many homophobes are actually self-hating homosexuals, it doesn't even enter into the equation. What they're focused on is that other homosexuals are able to accept and enjoy themselves, which makes them even more miserable and angry. They don't care about the increased availability of women, what they want is that every other homosexual man suffer as much as they do.
Ricardo on March 26, 2015 at 9:37 AM · Report this
53
@11: "Then again he did just call someone's sexual feelings childish in his last column."

Not accepting that sexual activities involve body fluids is inherently childish. That's not insensitive. Some "feelings" are infantile, and that's okay, but a person should move past them into adulthood.
undead ayn rand on March 26, 2015 at 9:48 AM · Report this
54
@50: These people aren't exactly awash in options, or happy with the ones they've married.
undead ayn rand on March 26, 2015 at 9:49 AM · Report this
55
Westello, I am so sorry. Lotta love in here if you want to stick around.

@50 and many others - I know it's kind of a cliche for us gay-supportin' types to accuse all homophobes as being closet cases, but really, this one Just. Screams. It. He (and I'm pretty sure it's a he) really seems like if he was somehow forced to confront and acknowledge an actual, well-adjusted gay man in a good relationship... he'd either go truly, institutionalizably insane, or he'd realize that he is, in fact, gay. I hope it happens, but unfortunately there are vast support systems for pathetic assholes like him.
Lance Thrustwell on March 26, 2015 at 9:59 AM · Report this
56
Whoops, i meant @52.
Lance Thrustwell on March 26, 2015 at 9:59 AM · Report this
57
@ 56 - There's a huge difference between people who say they don't like gays because of religious beliefs or some sort of culturally transmitted prejudice ("they all rape children", for example) and homophobes who seem obsessed with gay sexual activities, such as this one. I would only dub the latter kind "self-hating homosexuals". The former merely deserve to be called out for their ignorance.
Ricardo on March 26, 2015 at 10:07 AM · Report this
58
The overused accusation of pretending? Yes, my friends, we have a closet case!
maddy811 on March 26, 2015 at 10:51 AM · Report this
59
D'ya 'spose this cretin like getting poked by his GGG gf via a strap-on?
EricNelson745 on March 26, 2015 at 11:53 AM · Report this
60
I'm sorry you have to read crap like that, Dan. Of course you know that the letter says much about the writer and nothing at all about you. Of course you know that your work has helped millions of people. Of course you know that you're a better human being in every way than the pathetic person who wrote to you. But that was such a nasty letter that I just wanted to reiterate all those things that you know.
Corylea on March 26, 2015 at 12:06 PM · Report this
61
Why does homegirl bigot even know who Margaret Cho is or what fisting is? Lady doth protest too much.
brandon on March 26, 2015 at 12:17 PM · Report this
62
In the response to NAL, Mr. Savage is wrong about exactly one thing: adverbs that end in ly should not be hyphenated. He and his spouse are "legally married," not "legally-married." Mr. Savage is a "highly successful semi-professional neologism creator," not a "highly-successful" one.
DRF on March 26, 2015 at 1:44 PM · Report this
63
@46, sorry, thought this was the birth-control thread. I was referring to the Today sponge.
Sandiai on March 26, 2015 at 1:50 PM · Report this
64
@62- I respect and admire you.

dwightmoodyforgetsthings on March 26, 2015 at 1:53 PM · Report this
65
Some "feelings" are infantile,
Interesting category. Have you ever met anyone who agreed their feelings were childish? And have you ever agreed with someone who called feelings of yours "childish"?

I think only behaviors can be childish, myself.
Philophile on March 26, 2015 at 2:43 PM · Report this
66
Westello - I hope your grief eases and you find another light spot in life, or in another person, every day.
Philophile on March 26, 2015 at 2:47 PM · Report this
67
I think we should refer to NAL as WAL - as in What A Loser.
btmom on March 26, 2015 at 3:09 PM · Report this
68
I cannot get my homophobic brother to believe that gay men do not eat shit. It's maddening and a little hilarious. Mostly maddening.
PennyLady on March 26, 2015 at 3:31 PM · Report this
69
Dear Not A Lemming...
Here's a way to live your life you might want to consider: It's called "Don't be a dick" and "Mind your own business". Right now, you're being a dick. It might be because you've got poorly controlled blood sugar, or because you had a poor upbringing. It could be because you've got rage issues, or just like being a dick.
But seriously? Don't. Don't be a dick. Life's too short. And you're being a dick.
fleeting on March 26, 2015 at 3:38 PM · Report this
70
Some letters are so ridiculously delightful in the brain-damaged hatred they spew and the obvious ignoramus status of the LW that I can hardly wait to get to Dan's reply and the hilarious comments sections I know await me (both here and on Facebook). Favorite Dan line: "(and I say that as a highly-successful, semi-professional neologism creator)".
The Zoo on March 26, 2015 at 3:48 PM · Report this
71
as the queer parent of a young child, i fucking hope he prefers queer love when he gets older, if only so he could experience the feeling of safety and security in his/their own home before having to experience the complete and utter fuckery of the world-at-large, which indeed this asshole is part of..
atknwithout on March 26, 2015 at 3:55 PM · Report this
72
@20 +1. had to look up Poe's Law. Google gave me conservapedia. Poe's Law seems to describe the entire conservapedia site
delta35 on March 26, 2015 at 4:18 PM · Report this
73
@60 +1. This American Life #545 had a good thing on trolls and how they are sad, envious, angry creatures lacking purpose. But sometimes they can redeem themselves.

And Dan, please describe your life with Terry. He's hot and the best parts of your book are when you mix the personal with the philosophical, or the personal with the political, brings tears to my eyes every time such as your tender and profound essay on death with dignity in American Savage or your experiences with new parenthood in The Kid.
delta35 on March 26, 2015 at 4:21 PM · Report this
74
@25 +1. and condolences for your loss.
delta35 on March 26, 2015 at 4:25 PM · Report this
75
On reread, the closing line really sticks out: "It gets better when you don't believe the lie that being gay is some how important in any meaningful way!" That's the part that makes this homophobe sound like a closet case to me. Trying to convince himself it doesn't matter and being straight is a choice he can trivially make. Oh sad little troll.
Cat in fez on March 26, 2015 at 4:27 PM · Report this
76
@62; really? Correcting Dan's grammar with a letter like this. Some of you grammar nazis types need to sometimes let it the fuck go..
LavaGirl on March 26, 2015 at 5:21 PM · Report this
77
I'd say NAL is angry and frustrated because he's not getting the love and familial relationship that Dan and Terry have! He's probably in a hopeless, pathetic relationship where his wife cheats on him and/or he beats his children to compensate for his own lack of love.
As for fisting and feces eating; I can only imagine that's something his own daddy made him do as a child. How sad people like him can only take their frustrations out on those who have what they never will!
sweetnnekked on March 26, 2015 at 5:45 PM · Report this
78
Well, looks like the LW got the attention he wanted. I don't know if he expected Dan to flip out at him or what, I am sure he's jerkin' it right now to his 5 minutes of "fame". Congratulations, anonymous keyboard warrior.
GuardianAnu on March 26, 2015 at 6:13 PM · Report this
79
I'm repeating what so many have already said, but you handled that jackass beautifully, and this straight old Midwestern white woman is damned sorry you get accosted so vilely.
Melisse on March 26, 2015 at 7:06 PM · Report this
80
I feel sorry for this ignorant hateful idiot, what a miserable life they must lead.
00haley00 on March 26, 2015 at 8:29 PM · Report this
81
@57: "some sort of culturally transmitted prejudice ("they all rape children", for example) and homophobes who seem obsessed with gay sexual activities, such as this one."

No, there's no difference between those two.
undead ayn rand on March 26, 2015 at 11:18 PM · Report this
82
I love you Dan!
Hels66 on March 27, 2015 at 2:12 AM · Report this
83
This letter scared me. I think it was bringing the Kid into it. Thinking about kids and sex too much like a pedo. The rest of the bigotry was clearly self loathing.
Philophile on March 27, 2015 at 6:04 AM · Report this
84
Finally, some common ground with one of these a*holes. We ALL want to hear about life with Terry ;)
evanne on March 27, 2015 at 8:28 AM · Report this
85
@62: There are multiple formal systems of English grammar and writing conventions. Some require compound phrases to be hyphenated in order to avoid possible ambiguity, though most do not. For example, consider the sentence, "I enjoy quickly passing clouds." Do I enjoy clouds that pass rapidly, or do I enjoy rapidly moving myself past clouds? If "quickly(-)passing" is hyphenated when functioning as a compound adjective phrase modifying "clouds" and not when it is not functioning as a compound adjective phrase, there is no ambiguity: "I enjoy quickly passing clouds" tells you that I enjoy moving rapidly past clouds (perhaps in an airplane), and "I enjoy quickly-moving clouds" tells you that I enjoy clouds that move rapidly (perhaps when lying on my back in a field staring up at them).
John Horstman on March 27, 2015 at 8:56 AM · Report this
86
@85 -- "I enjoy quickly passing clouds" could refer to something else entirely, which is related to rapidly farting rainbows.

What I want to know is, what are Wi-band Hus-fe's Dutch superpowers? Urban planning? "Using superhuman speed, Hus-fe built several rows of sensible housing. The refugee camp was saved!"

Of course, during the day he is a mild-mannered tulip farmer.
LateBloomer on March 27, 2015 at 9:26 AM · Report this
87
Time to spam lemmingfree@yahoo.com, send him hate mail, real facts and stories from our gay lives, up worth videos, and of course a shit load of gay porn.
Maton85 on March 27, 2015 at 3:04 PM · Report this
88
found him on refit http://www.reddit.com/user/lemmingfree
Maton85 on March 27, 2015 at 3:18 PM · Report this
89
@87: "send him hate mail, real facts and stories from our gay lives, up worth videos, and of course a shit load of gay porn"

Just because he'd do it to Dan doesn't mean that it should be done back. Dan can complain to the creep's ISP/email host.
undead ayn rand on March 29, 2015 at 8:37 AM · Report this
90
sorry about your loss, westello.
@86 ftw - yes - "rapidly passing clouds" could totally be about farting quickly! Maybe that's because I'm feeling childish ...
Still Thinking on March 29, 2015 at 11:41 PM · Report this
91
Did nobody else have a flashback to that "Eat Da Poo Poo" guy in Uganda?
XiaoGui17 on March 31, 2015 at 10:05 AM · Report this
92
Interesting how contact with feces are a huge concern only when 2 guys have sex. You never hear a guy saying to a woman "I don't want to penetrate your shithole cause it's iky". Au contraire, most men pressure women into anal sex. But when it comes to penetrating a male hole....all of a sudden...the disgust for poop is a major problem. I've got news for you, women shit out of their asses and fart just as much if not more than men :)
Gddss136 on March 31, 2015 at 8:40 PM · Report this