We are not a monolith!
We are not a monolith! Christopher Halloran / Shutterstock.com

Real-life Key & Peele skit Ben Carson is running for president! Huzzah! The famed neurosurgeon with the inspiring rags-to-riches story of growing up with a single mother in Detroit to become one of the most famous doctors in America has decided that he’s the best choice to lead this country. Also, he’s a homophobic hatemonger. So much to love!

Now, while some may say that tinkering around in brain parts (quite difficult, if done right) does not automatically make you a good candidate for president, I heartily disagree. It’s pretty obvious that Dr. Carson is a man not only of medical, but social, historical, and political intelligence. Don’t believe me? Let’s have a look.

Lady Gaga was wrong. You weren’t born this way. Because prisons.

"Because a lot of people who go into prison go into prison straight—and when they come out, they're gay. So, did something happen while they were in there? Ask yourself that question."

Yes, ask yourself that question. Are prisons magically turning people gay? Does sexual contact with someone of the same sex after years in a forced same-sex environment mean that you are gay? If you then have sex with someone of the opposite sex, do you become straight again? Ben Carson wants to know. It's completely relevant to the question of LGBT rights, because if prisons can make you gay, then gay people shouldn't be able to get married. Logic.

The Geneva Convention is for wusses.

“If you’re gonna have rules for war, you should just have a rule that says no war,” he said. “Other than that, we have to win.”

Why didn’t anybody think of the “no war” rule before? Man, you know Carson was the kid watching genie movies shouting, “JUST WISH FOR MORE WISHES.”

Free health care is slavery.

“Obamacare is the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery. In a way, it is slavery, because it is making all of us subservient to the government.”

I don’t know if you all are aware, but slavemasters were notorious for their universal-health-care mandate. I mean, the mandate was “just die in a corner over there,” but it was a mandate nonetheless.

Obama is a psychopath, because he’s handsome.

"Like most psychopaths," Carson reportedly said. "That's why they're successful. That's the way they look. They all look great."

Pretty sure this is something Carson’s mom told him in junior high to make him feel better and it just stuck. “Don’t worry, honey. All the handsome kids are psychopaths. You’re better than them. You aren’t a psychopath.”

Ben Carson is a Republican, because Reagan.

“But then I started listening to Ronald Reagan and I thought, God, it just makes so much sense.”

No commentary needed.

Obama is both Hitler and Lenin.

When asked about the Obama administration's investigation into Ferguson, Carson suggested that people "read The Naked Communist by Cleon Skousen and read, uh, Mein Kampf and read the works of Vladimir Lenin."

Make up your mind, Ben. Is Obama enslaving us or genociding us?

Also, liberals are Hitlering us with their liberalness.

“There comes a time when people with values simply have to stand up. Think about Nazi Germany. Most of those people did not believe in what Hitler was doing. But did they speak up? Did they stand up for what they believe in? They did not, and you saw what happened.”

Wow, isn’t somebody going to do something about all the Nazis everywhere?

Ben is tough on voter fraud when it comes to undocumented immigrants.

“Anyone caught involved in voter fraud should be immediately deported and have his citizenship revoked.”

Man, so you’re gonna issue citizenship to undocumented immigrants who vote illegally, just so you can revoke it? That’s just spiteful.

ISIS is coming to America through the extremist Muslim stronghold of Mexico.

“When they get here,” Carson said, “we need to be able to fight them, particularly if we have an administration that won’t fight them, we need to be able to fight them ourselves.”

Be prepared. Obama sure isn’t.

Well, America, grab some popcorn and check under your beds for Nazis—Ben Carson is coming to town!