Yesterday, Rick Santorum announced that he's running for president. I couldn't be reached for comment at the time. But I'm going to sit down and watch a little bit of his announcement speech now—not the whole fucking thing—and I'd rather not suffer alone. So watch along with me, won't you?

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Rick Santorum is wearing eyeliner. Really brings out the beadiness of his eyes. I used to wear eyeliner. But I stopped pretending to be something I'm not (a glamorous lady) a long time ago. Rick, for his part, is gonna keep on pretending to be something he's not (a serious presidential contender) for a few more months. Maybe he's only doing it so he can wear eyeliner?

"Commander-in-chief is not an entry-level position." That line gets a nice laugh from Rick's assembled supporters—even the small handful that Karen Santorum hasn't personally given birth to. The presidency is not an entry-level position. Ha-ha. Great line. Hillary Clinton used that line during the primaries in 2008, and John McCain used it during the general election. Maybe Rick will have better luck with it.

You know who else radical Islamists know by name? The cartoonist who proposed the first "Everybody Draw Mohammed Day." Maybe Rick can persuade her to come out of hiding and be his running mate? The Known By Name Ticket!

Rick Santorum is going to defeat ISIS. Here's how:

"If these folks want to return to a 7th-century version of Islam, then let's load up our bombers and bomb them back to the 7th century."

Killer applause line when you're not POTUS, but not something you can actually get away with doing when you are POTUS. Because it would mean murdering millions of innocent people—unless you could somehow persuade all of ISIS to gather in one place for ease of bombing them back into the stone age—so we won't actually be loading up our bombers if Rick wins. So how does Rick "They Know My Name" Santorum propose to defeat ISIS? Some specifics, please. Does he plan to invade Syria and re-invade Iraq? Boots on the ground? How many boots? And what's the goal? Defeating ISIS and then seeing what rises up in its wake or do we stick around and sink trillions of dollars into building viable Iraqi and Syrian states? Because that was such a success last time we tried it, right? Or will President Santorum separate the Sunnis from the Shias and Kurds and give the Yazidis and Iraqi/Syrian Christians green cards and then partition the shit out of everything? All while invading Iran?

Santorum, like all the GOPers running for president, is going to run around slamming Obama's efforts to combat ISIS without actually offering a non-genocidal, non-hyperbolic, reality-based plan of of his own. Jon Stewart addressed this bullshit a few weeks ago:

Stewart then showed several segments where Obama’s critics were seen commenting about what he should be doing to combat ISIS, followed immediately by the president explaining what he’s doing to combat ISIS—which is exactly what these critics are claiming he’s not doing. “It’s like people who complain about a TV show, but have never seen the TV show,” Stewart said. Then he played comments made by Donald Trump to Fox News’ Sean Hannity who had asked him what he would do if he were in charge. “I would go very, very hard and very, very strong,” Trump stated. “No details, no strategy—just military porn talk,” Stewart said, impersonating Trump.

"Every life matters, the poor, the disabled, and the unborn."

President Santorum will ban abortion. That will benefit the unborn and the rapists who impregnate their victims—that's a Republican win/win. He'll also make birth control illegal so, hey, lots more unborn will benefit from being born under President Santorum. Many will be born to teenagers and women and men who don't want to be parents or are already parents and incapable of taking care of more kids. But let's not dwell on that! And President Santorum will repeal Obamacare and some will argue that this will hurt the poor and the disabled. But! Under President Santorum the poor and disabled who lose their health-care coverage will be free—FREEDOM—to put money they don't have into the health-care savings accounts that only a millionaire could hope to sock enough money away in to cover a serious health crisis. Problem solved!

"I will also fight for the freedom to believe what you are called to believe. Not just in your places of worship but outside your places of worship too."

President Santorum will make sure you don't have to bake cakes for any gays who might be getting married or offer contraceptive coverage to any of your employees who might be sluts. Offer does not apply to Satanists (because SATAN is bad) or Muslims (because SHARIA is bad).

Hey, that's Elizabeth Santorum, Rick's eldest daughter, there on the left. In 2012 we learned that Elizabeth Santorum has lots of gay friends—and her gay friends were supporting her father! I wonder if Elizabeth's gay friends are supporting Rick again this time around. A lot of straight people who backed Santorum in 2012 are backing other candidates this time out. The NYT reached one or two of these unreliable straight people for comment:

This time around, many of his senior aides and supporters have defected to other candidates. “I worked for Santorum last time,” Cody Hoefert, the co-chairman of the Republican Party of Iowa, said with a tone of befuddlement. “The guy wins more states than anyone but Romney, and he’s polling at 1 percent.”

Elizabeth Santorum's gay friends could not be reached for comment because they do no not exist.

"I will take money and power out of Washington and put it back where our Constitution says it belongs: In the people who earned it."

I'm not sure what that means. It sounds painful.

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Just got a text from my only Republican friend...

Another friend just pointed something out. I was pondering why Rick Santorum would be running with signs that only say "RICK" when there will be two Ricks in the race. And she said because his last name is poison. YOU HAVE ALREADY WON.

I already won? Great. Then I can skip watching the rest of Rick's video.

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