It sounds like the Ex got the kids because he painted her as a monster in the divorce proceedings, and if he was that awful to her he shouldn't be trusted with children. She also needs a good lawyer.

I wasn't done with the third paragraph before I wanted to smack that guy.

I have nothing salient to add, but in case LW reads these comments, I wanted to tell her how much I admire and respect her strength. She's been through years of abuse but is still standing.

LW, there's nothing wrong with YOU other than having tried to do what you thought you needed to do for your marriage to work. The abuse you suffered doesn't define you; your desire to survive and thrive does.

Good luck and please send Dan a follow-up letter as your life continues moving forward. You'll be in my thoughts.

I have a friend whose story is similar to this, except she was forced to be a webcam whore, and much worse.

LW should find a therapist who specializes in PTSD as a result of domestic abuse.

Holy shit. As soon as I read
"I could never go through with it. I loved my husband and the idea made me sick. I conveyed this to him repeatedly. But in order to indulge him I did agree to some role play."
I thought 'abusive' and the cycle of demands/hostility->capitulation->honeymoon just made it clearer.
HAC, you're a survivor. You did things that made you feel horrible because you loved your husband and wanted to make him happy. And all you ever got from him was more and more extreme demands coupled with blackmail. You loved him better than he deserved.

Tell the new girl privately about what really happened between you and him. If she knows what he did to you, she'll be more likely to recognize it happening to her when he pulls the same shit again. I guarantee he'll try it again, too; a leopard can't change his shorts.

You poor woman. I'm so sorry that man happened to you and that you've internalized all the fears and bad words. You are worth being loved - he just couldn't measure up and the one who has issues is not you: it's him.

I'm glad you're in theraphy and that you wrote Dan, because not only is he spot on in his answer but I hope you read these comments from kinksters and kink-friendlies and realize how abused you've been.

It's not the standard physical abuse you hear about in the media, in some ways it's much worse. Psychological abuse hits harder than violence because where a bruise might fade, the effects from psychological abuse lingers. This man can only claim you as a cheater, because no one can see the internal bruises he left you and his new wife will likely go through the very same scenario thinking as you that she might be to blame.

Start that blog. Put words on how you feel and help yourself and others in the progress. It'll start healing a lot of your wounds to hear from fellow survivors that this or something like it happened to them as well. I would also write a few letters to Mason about what happened. Not to send them immidiately, but to hash it out in private. You might want to send them later on.

I've only been in a fraction of this kind of relationship and I'm almost fully healed, but your story touched me, reminded me and I'm sending you my positive thoughts.

It was such a relief that the letter starts to wrap up with the fact that he's still gone and she's in therapy. And yes, if you can manage it--no shame in it if you can't--try to clue in the dipshit's new victim.

Wasn't this the plot of a Lars von Trier movie? At least the husband in that had the good grace to get himself paralyzed first. Can only wish for something similar for this guy!

God that's horrible.

What a sick fuck that guy is.
I am so sorry LW, I hope your strength will return soon.

LW the last thing you need is to start dating. It's time to put yourself and the kids first. Relationships can come later, the chances will still be there when you're in a better frame of mind.

I would start telling the truth, stop covering for you ex, he's a manipulative slime ball and this is very dfferent than a mutually agreed upon with firm ground rules in place that don't change every five minutes.

Your husband may not have raised a hand to you but he was still abusing you.

Epic asshole. Worse than the guy who killed Cecil the lion.

Of course a leopard can't change his shorts, vermolash @6. Did someone once tell you she/he could? They lied.

Every single comment here has been spot on so far, LW, as is Dan's advice. Keep going. Do NOT try to reconcile with your ex. Keep up the therapy, and tell your therapist everything if he/she is a good one. And yes, talk to a lawyer, and tell people the truth about your monstrous ex if they have been led to believe that everything is your fault. Good luck.

LW, like others above, I have had some experience staying in a dysfunctional relationship. Coming up to five yrs in October since my story died.
It will take you a while, to regain some sanity. Living with madness, cause that's what that shit was your husband put you thru, makes one very weak, as you know.
You're out, divorce is happening and you're doing therapy. Great.
The only point of meeting with this man now, is as a co- parent with him. This is where you have to watch really closely, how his new setup is effecting the kids when they stay with him. I assume you are sharing the parenting?
At first, I slept a lot. Hiding and repairing. Just have a quiet, peaceful and nourishing home base. Slowly start doing things. Groups, yoga, classes...read some good books.
Keep your life simple as you find some new strong boundaries for yourself.

You are not a cheater.

This is truly heartbreaking.

Like everyone else says: LW, you're the victim, not the "bad guy" in this story. Don't ever let that turd make you believe any of it is your fault.

Keep up with the therapy, start your blog (the world needs it), lay everything out in divorce court, tell the new girlfriend if at all possible (she won't believe you, she'll probably be very mean to you, but one day she'll realize you were speaking the truth and you'll save her from years of misery), and when they're old enough, tell your children - they deserve to know the truth about their mom, not the lies that their father will have most assuredly told them.

Good luck.

I am echoing everything: you are not a cheater; you have been a victim of a horrible, horrible piece of shit; you are a strong person for surviving it. Good you're getting therapy; by all means, write a blog; better yet, write a book or get an article on Huffington Post: do a public service of all the people being set up to be victimized this way. Try to warn your ex-husband's new girlfriend, but expect not to be believed and to be treated badly--that's okay: you will know you did the right thing. Don't start to date until you've had a lot of therapy and truly value your self.
For now, focus on you; later, you may try to recover your children fully.

Hang in there and forgive yourself--you did nothing wrong.
Best of luck moving forward, you brave woman!

Agreeing with Ms Oid.

I think revenge is usually a bad idea, but something BAD needs to happen to this man.

I'm sorry this ever happened to you. I hope you can recover after so many years of abuse. Go find your true self. I wish you the best.

@Ricardo, re telling the children when they're old enough -- I think that's a really complicated question.

I'm not sure they ever need to hear more details than: "Your dad and I were a really bad fit, and he used manipulative techniques to get me to do things I didn't want to do. I want you kids in therapy to help figure out how to establish and maintain good boundaries, both to make sure you recognize if he tries to manipulate you, and also so you have the tools to avoid bringing other people like that into your life."

Two things:

1) "...there's an article in Playboy..."
Hi grandpa. Is it 1972 again?

2) This letter is the exact plot of a Valerie Bertonelli movie.

Are there any methods or means to determine a the breakoff point between GGG and abusive?

@21: I get into bouts with "Men Going Their Own Way" online sometimes, and they always ask me if I feel that they should die alone and unloved, and seem surprised when I say that yes, some persons deserve to be alone forever, hopefully never having foci for their horribleness as in this particular case. When he can no longer hurt the mother, he'll hurt his own children, or find someone else to fixate upon.

Realistically I hope for the world's sake that these people get mental health care, but they rarely do and they are not entitled to love or affection until they take that step back towards humanity.

@ 23 - You're right, they don't have to know every detail, but there's something I would add : "... he used manipulative techniques to get me to do things I didn't want to do, THE VERY SAME THINGS HE LATER ACCUSED ME OF DOING. THAT'S HOW MUCH OF AN HYPOCRITE HE IS."

@ 25 - The very definition of GGG states that you should not do things you really don't want to do. There's a difference between pushing your boundaries and torture.

@25: It's tough to search from within when you may have normalized your partner's behaviors, so look without. Ask friends who know the partner, but may not be good friends with the partner (if you are concerned that secrets will be get out or god help you, shared with the partner.)

Asking persons completely isolated from the situation (especially with a particularly charming partner) can also give some insight, If you're unsure if you're somehow being fooled, chances are some less emotionally -aware friends can assume that you're happy because you both put on a public face.

Just think about it, trust yourself more, and don't bury worries, especially if your partner is angry with you for communicating them. People vastly stay in bad relationships with bad partners over leaving good relationships for dumb reasons or because they "don't want to put the work in" or whatever bullshit excuse people give for staying when they should flee.

Jesus. I have a theory about the husband listening to the tape of the sex with "Mason". I think he was expecting to hear some guy pounding away at his wife while she lay there silently. But she was into it and that really bothered him. I think he got off more on the way he was degrading his wife than anything else.

@ 30 - It seems obvious to me that he has deep-seated frustrations concerning his small penis and being a premature ejaculator. So he most probably got off on her not wanting these encounters, as that proved that he was the best lover for her nonetheless.

Ugh, what a fucking trainwreck. Glad you're finally out of there, LW.

You made a few mistakes, but he was the bad one here. Don't get hung up on it or take the blame. Just work on moving on and do your best to keep this guy out of your life while still doing your best for your kids. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but you're going to be okay.

And if you fight for your kids, don't feel bad about that either. This guy clearly has no goddamn personal boundaries or respect.

@25 It's the same as the line is for anything else. Say, gifts. You can buy your partner a car because you want them to be happy. Maybe they really want a car and you hate cars. It's still fine to buy them the car, if it's done out of your own free will.

Or, you could buy them a car because they will yell at you and emotionally torture you if you don't buy one.

Basically, if your actions are motivated by fear, it's abuse.

@31: "So he most probably got off on her not wanting these encounters, as that proved that he was the best lover for her nonetheless."

Yes to the former, probably not to the latter. It sounds even more scorched earth than that.

LW, I disagree with others, saying warn the new woman. Stay out of his business now, to stay out of his life. Your shared children, all you focus on with now, with this man.
He's hooked her in, not by the same hooks though. Maybe if you get a chance, tell her what went down, different to warning her. Cause he'll just use the "warning", to try and keep his hooks into you. Telling is not warning.
And don't expect you'll ever be heard by this guy. He didn't hear you inside marriage, that isn't going to change now. Just make all words you give to him, about your children. Tell him nothing of your new life and ask him nothing.
I had to have my husband away physically, for me to get my strength. No contact at all, as our children stayed with me and the youngest was 13, the others much older. You don't have that luxury, so keep all communication to one topic, your children.
If this area becomes too problematic, then bring the law in. Try talking with him first about your concerns, if he doesn't hear. Go see a lawyer.
You have been thru a brain washing, so you have to find good, normal, loving people to be around. Maybe forget about any new beau, till you can feel yourself for a while, away from this crazy shit of a man, who is your soon to be ex husband.

Holy shit!

No, of course you are not a cheater. You are a victim of horrible abuse. I hope you are comfortable telling your therapist all this. If not, find a better therapist.

And music LW, listen to it and go see live bands. It's been a big part of my healing, such great music around. And it doubles up as my exercise time, cause I dance to it. Saves $ on gyms.
And my art work. Yes, write a blog. Great way to help you unravel that mess you got caught in, at the same time giving other women a chance to share, or avoid that fate. Cause it's a mugs' game, and women or men , need to know to stop abuse right in its tracks, or leave. Tangled web to stay.

As a further step in HAC's therapy, Dan, drop her a line telling her she should read these comments. Rarely have I seen such a positive outpouring of loving, sympathetic replies to a SLLOTD. Also, Dan and everyone else, HAC's story yet again demonstrates how inadequate is the term "abuser." Sure, it correctly identifies the type of behavior, but "abuser" doesn't begin to describe the level or degree of the offense. We need a term that vilifies the filthy subhuman piece of shit this poor woman married. We need a term like "soul-rapist." Also, frankly, meeting a guy like HAC's soul-rapist ex-husband is on my bucket list. Meeting him and doing to him what Wesley/The Dread Pirate Roberts threatened to do to Prince Humperdinck: To The Pain. I would make one minor change in Wesley's list of cuts: the removal of his genitals. And yes, I may be a mildly-disabled 56-year-old man, but I'm also a damned fine swordsman.

Slapping the LW for not ending this cycle of abuse, FunctionalA, Mmmm.
Of course nobody, including the LW, is blind to what she should have done.
Who knows what motivates people to continue in severely abusive relationships, I do know that slapping isn't going to help. And she's out of it, now.
She needs help to get good and strong, so she can resist any person ever fucking with her this way, again.

@40, right on, Lavagirl. @40 - of course she should have left him earlier. She knows that. It's an important part of healing to recognize - but then forgive oneself for - the very real fuckups you've committed. Hopefully both that clear recognition and that self-forgiveness are part of her therapy as she moves forward.

Argh. My second comment was directed @39.

@39 - the way long-term abusers work is by normalising what they do. Humans are really suggestible and if you treat someone a certain way for long enough, it becomes their definition of normal life. Abusers also play hot and cold, and not just in the classic sense (described in the post) of becoming very affectionate right after an episode of abuse. It's more like, 99% of the time, they're not actively abusing you; instead, you're asleep, or at work, or caring for the kids, or buying groceries, etc. A horrifying abusive occurrence once every few weeks, punctuated by periods of calm, affection, and a battery of explanations about how that thing they did was totally your fault because you provoked it and also it's just normal and reasonable, everyone's got kinks, all couples are like this, get over it already - that's how they work. Abusers run an exploit on how human beings function. A lot of them target people who are particularly vulnerable to that exploit - sharks can smell blood. Never be surprised what people put up with from an abuser. In the same circumstances, you would be equally vulnerable.

@39 I think everyone shares your frustration in that we wish for the LW's sake she had been able to get out earlier, but I don't think anyone blames her. It's just so hard to leave. You have lots of shared experiences, you think it's your failure, you see financial and other logistical obstacles. You dread having to explain to people. You still love the guy, and he was so sincere in his apologies the last time -- or so convincing that it was your fault -- so you think you should just keep trying to make it work.

From the outside looking in it's obvious abuse. From the inside, it's muddier.

@40/0

"So I'm sorry to be at all critical of the letter writer, but I feel I must."

I just knew some contrarian would try to brag about their own wisdom and perfect choices by trashing the LW and dragging them down.

This is a poor venue to demonstrate your lack of empathy and sort of "helpful" advice by victim-bashing.

Not referring to Lava's 40.

And no, you're not a rare brand of asshole. Unsympathetic contrarians are all too common.

Abuse victims get a lot of scorn for remaining in abusive relationships. Victim blaming is very common. What victims need is sympathy, not anger.

@ Functional Atheist - Total fail here. You obviously don't understand anything about the dynamics of abusive relationships. (Thene's comment @ 43 is a good place to start if you want to stop being an asshole about it.)

And remember: she was 19 when she got involved with this guy. Teenagers are by definition easy to influence, and she probably had very little relationship experience.

@25 I think the problem WAY too many people misunderstand or misuse GGG. It doesn't mean that you can't say 'no' or that your not allowed any boundries. It means you don't shut your partner down when talking about their kink, even if it sounds weird and strange. It means if you do try the kink, you do so in good faith and you don't use it as a way to humiliate, shame, or control your partner, and you don't use it against them either. I also think it means if the kink isn't doable then both parties can look for a compromise, and the kink wanting partner can't be a pushy asshole if the other partner says 'no'.

@25, from what I understand, GGG is when one partner shares his/her kink, the less kinky partner agrees to try it, provided it's not too "weird". If less kinky partner likes it, great. If not, sorry, not my thing, and the kinkster learns to do without or masturbates to fantasies of whatever the kink is.

So if a guy wants to be cuckolded, but it's not really his partner's thing or she tries and doesn't like it, he can fantasize about his partner fucking someone else or he can ask her to pretend for him.

This guy wasn't a cuckold fetishist, though. He was an abusive asshole who seemed to get off on his wife's humiliation and degradation. As Dan points out, wanting to move the relationship ahead very fast is one warning sign of an abuser. He talked her out of having an abortion, probably because he knew the kids would tie them together. Everything in here is textbook abuser, even if he never hit you.

LW, it's not your fault. It's his. It's a good thing you're in therapy. I hope it helps. I'd ask your therapist about blogging and see what s/he says. Even if you can't put it out publicly, just writing about what happened to you might be cathartic. As for the ex, the only thing you should talk to him about are your children (whom I'm guessing are teenagers now). That's it.

Take care.

@43 I should say that not all abusive relationships have periods of calm and especially affection in them, sometimes it's just more or less shitty all the time. All you need is financial or other kind of dependence and no affection is really needed for the victim never want to leave. Then it can be walking on eggshells all the time.

I really feel for the kids here.

I'm the LW here
There are few things I wanted to say
First of all I'm blown away by the support
It's been truly overwhelming.
I do have split custody of my kids, I see them often.

There were times when life was great, he is very charming and fits the definition of a narcissist to a T.
I learned to play the game, the searching for a mate, the texting, the shopping for outfits.
The role play. It was something we did together and all I wanted was his attention.
He knew I wasn't fond of it but I would get caught up in the ritual and the way it made him treat me.
He was obsessed with how many orgasms I had, even if I didn't I had to lie because he didn't believe me.
Last but not least, he tried telling me I never had to do it
but if I didn't I would have to recreate other times during sex, or call him someone else's name or he would just start treating me like garbage. Emotional neglect was something I dealt with often.

It was after I told him I was done for a long time that he left me.
I'm in therapy and working hard.
It's hard for me to see him as a bad person because I still did it.
I played along even though I said no often. I always caved and did it again.
He is also funny and kind and well liked.
No one wants to see them self as a victim, I'm getting used to it.
Thanks for all the kind words
I was full of tears reading them.
-HAC

Gone_girl.. To a life full of fun and health.
Thank you for writing in. It's comicated , I know.
I've never seen myself as a victim, for staying in a marriage that had very difficult parts to it. Over the last five yes, I've had to face my contribution, though. Hard, to look oneself straight in the eye, and see one's damage.
For a couple of yrs, I was strongly caught up in grieving, the good parts of our marriage. As well as cutting all the Gulliver type ropes, tying me down.
Your husband's other behaviour might be normal like, his crazy behaviour was sick. He needs to see someone, or he's heading further down his dark tunnel.
Wish him well, and guard your children.
And watch that in every minute of every day, no one is pulling your strings but you.

Correction; It's complicated..

@ 53 - Thanks for writing in. I'm really happy to learn you have split custody.

I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your life, and hope you make the most of it. Stay strong.

@53: Gone_girl, thanks for writing in.
First of all, you are not a victim so much as a survivor. Your ex is a bad person no matter what you did. He is a bad person for not caring about you or your feelings, for manipulating you, for coercing you, for turning on you.
And you did what you did out of your love for him and your attempt to make/keep him happy--that doesn't make you a bad person.

Actually, I don't think that having sex with other men or lots of men makes anyone a bad person. I think cheating--really cheating, as defined by sneaking and lying to one's partner, being unfaithful (or non-monogamous to think of a different way of characterizing it) when the partner believes you to be faithful--is a pretty crappy thing to do, yet I don't even necessarily think cheaters are bad people.
But you didn't cheat. Everything you did, you did at your husband's request or insistence. You did it with his knowledge and de facto participation, except for the relationship that began with one man who treated you decently and whom you would never have had sex with initially if it hadn't been for your desire to make your husband happy. There are extenuating circumstances, mitigating circumstances.

As to your husband having some good qualities and being charming, many evil people are charming--that's how they get powerful. No one would ever initially listen to a straight-up creep or asshole. Abusers are generally charming. And anyone can have a good quality or two: Hitler was a passionate animal lover who cared so much for animals that he was a vegetarian. The fact that your (ex?) husband has some good qualities or is charming when he wants to be or is funny doesn't make him any less an abuser. People are more than one thing. The world is more than black and white.

He is nice and well-liked to some people and he is an abuser. You are a good person even if you had sex with men other than your husband, even if they weren't all at his insistence. You can be strong in every other aspect of your life and still have been a victim of his cruelty. You can be a victim and a survivor. You can triumph over this.
Let yourself off the hook and forgive yourself for Mason. Your husband did far worse.

I'm always impressed(?) by lengths some women - it's almost always women - will go to essentially avoid conflict. I'm sure she'd have been better off taking whatever hell she would have if she'd split when she were 20, than sticking it out and getting hell anyhow.

@53: Thanks for checking in. It's pretty awful now, but it sounds like you got out--and getting all the way out is hard, so you've come a long way.

From here on out, it gets easier; the further your ex gets into the rear-view mirror, the easier life will get. For what it's worth, it's good not to want to see yourself as a victim--better to err in that direction than in the other--but sometimes people get victimized, you know?
It happens.

Also for what it's worth, you're not a cheater. What you did is to cheating what looting abandoned homes after a zombie apocalypse is to stealing--not really a central example, to say the very least. At the very, very, worst, it's barely even "whoops" cheating, nowhere near "CPOS" cheating, and there are pretty much the most legitimate extenuating circumstances imaginable. Abusers--specifically abusers who also push you into sleeping with people you don't want to--forfeit any right to complain about you sleeping with anything else. Jesus. What an asshole.
Just in case it matters, if he tries to apologize and resurrect some kind of relationship with you, don't. It's hard to get out and it can be hard to stay out, but it's worth it. Don't let yourself get dragged back in.

@58: It's not just women. Everyone is pretty much hard-wired to avoid conflicts they know they're going to lose, and abusers only get to be abusers by finding situations where they know they're going to win.

It's not almost always women. Plenty of men suffer from domestic abuse.

LW, I'm really glad you still have custody of the children and you know you were not at fault for what happened.

@58: There is nothing uniquely female about staying in an abusive relationship.

@60: And through breaking a person down, conditioning them slowly. If they went all crazy immediately as you suggest, they would be far less successful.

OMG - that poor woman. She was and still is nothing to him. What a fucking monster. If I were her, I would run the fuck away, find a new place to start over (maybe a friggin nunnery) and just try and heal. I hope she comes out of this ok. Guys like that need to be shot down like the sick dogs they are. They do nothing but poison people.

@63: Exactly. The guy waited three years, and for a reason.

@64: It's a mistake to think of those people as monsters, because they're not--which means if you're keeping an eye out for monsters, you won't see them coming. They're just people--people who want something, and who have a way to get it, and who have not enough counter-incentives.
Monsters are easy. People who are in a situation where they can fuck you over, have reasons to want to, and not enough reasons to restrain themselves? Quite a bit more difficult.

Fetish, good call. Though it isn't just women in abusive relationships. I feel women are trained to step round the shit, with men.
From our mothers, from the culture. You think feminism erupted from nothing in the 60s-70s?
After the Second World War, where women's bravery was also needed, suddenly amnesia. Everybody wanted to play happy families. Who could blame them? It was a freak show, not that women's oppression started then. It's been going on a few years now.
So yes, trained to put up with stuff. Hopefully , younger women are smarter. Relationships all have some element of abuse, no matter how small. Just someone telling you what to do, is to me, a form of abuse. I'll tell myself what to do. I'll follow my way of getting things done. Hence, I have no man close in to rearrange that. Then I lose on the other stuff. At the moment for me, the trade off is fine.
Being my own boss, making my own mistakes- freedom.

@66 I think he is a monster, but a subtle monster, the way many abusers are. One thing Dan said that stuck with me was 'if abusers revealed who they are on the first date no one would get into an abusive relationship'.

This is a perfect example of that.

LW I'd suggest telling close friends and trusted family members what you've told us. It won't change the past but it may ensure you have some support in the future.

Wow, this is extremely close to my own story. I enjoyed the sexual aspect of the arrangement, but the amount of emotional abuse and controlling behaviour wore me down completely. Staying with my abusive partner for so long completely messed me up. When I finally let myself realize how toxic and abusive the relationship was, it made me feel like a failure as a woman and especially as a feminist. It took me a few years to recover. It really changed my opinions about women in abusive relationships. It can happen to anyone.

@43 hit the nail on the head

Gone Girl, thanks for writing in. I'm glad our words have helped you. I'm also glad you have joint custody of the kids. I hope they are getting through this with as little damage as possible.

You didn't cheat. You slept with other men at the insistence of your husband. It's not as if you told him you were having dinner with friends when you were screwing someone else; you were screwing someone else because he wanted you to.

As Nocutename points out, a lot of really awful people are very capable of charm; it's how they hook you in. Think of Ted Bundy; it's how he got women to trust him before he killed them. (For the record Hitler wasn't a vegetarian; his doctor suggested it for his stomach ailments, but he frequently cheated. And he wasn't much of an animal lover either.)

The fact that there were times when the relationship was great punctuated by times when he was horrible is textbook abusive relationship. The abuser will let his partner think that everything is okay, and then start the abuse again. It's another control mechanism.

If you haven't read it yet, check out Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear". It's an older book, but it talks a lot about abusive relationships and the warning signs.

This letter caused a tightness in my stomach that still hasn't subsided. LW, I'm really sorry that you experienced this awful, abusive situation. I don't really have anything to add that others haven't said, but do pay mind to all of the warmth and concern on display here. You were not in the wrong, he was. Keep up with your therapy, and maybe seek a specialist in PTSD, as someone suggested earlier.

My bit of advice, if I may be so bold, would be to see if your therapist knows anything about cognitive behavioral therapy. I'm sure that you have many (unnecessary) feelings of guilt regarding what happened, and it sounds like you self esteem has taken a severe battering as well. CBT can really help by teaching you to recognize these negative thoughts and work your way through them.

People stay in abusive relationships for myriad reasons:

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/…

It's not always easy to tell at first if the relationship will become abusive, and when you throw children and financial dependency into the mix, it becomes so, so much more complicated:

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/…

What this man did to LW was not about sex, it was about power and control. She will heal, it will take time, but she will form healthy relationships again, She will make good choices again, and build healthy boundaries to protect herself and her children. She belongs to a very large sister (and brother)-hood.

LW, you aren't alone.

This abuser is stealing a kink to cover his behavior. It is sad. It is cruel. I feel for the confusion this has engendered in this woman who did her best to be a good partner.
This is also the fodder for politicians and others who hate on Dan.

Wow.

This letter shook me hard. I’m a person with a serious cuckold fetish. (The male of the couple in the screen name). I spend a not insignificant amount of time explaining and defending the kink online or in person. The fetish is, frankly, an important part of my identity. But this guy’s behavior is so revolting that I find myself recoiling from the whole fetish; I want to take a shower. I have the adolescent urge to purge myself of my kinks that I thought I got over decades ago. I know that is not rational or right, but that is how it feels.

I also try to look at everyone with compassion. To understand that they have pain and issues and aren’t all bad. But it s really hard for me to think of this guy as something more than a monster, or to muster up any kind of forgiveness for him at all.

I hope HAC/LW/Gone Girl that you are able to forgive. Not him, but yourself. I was very happy to read that you were still part of your kids life, that you were in therapy, that you were moving forward. But I know that abuse isn’t a nightmare that vanishes when the light is switched; it leaves wounds that take time. There may be times, after all the supportive Internet comments have been read, when you find yourself alone and feel suddenly guilty, or ashamed, or lost. That is also not rational or right, but that is how it can feel.

That is when you need to forgive. You need to cut yourself some slack. You need to celebrate the triumph of your survival and the strength that helped you to it. Life has unexpected turns, and sometimes they are awful. But do not hold yourself responsible for not being omniscient. You made the best choices you could, honest loving choices, every step. You could not control that your turn brought you into contact with a manipulative narcissistic sociopath.

What you can control is what you do now and in the future. So be kind to yourself. Be generous and grateful to yourself. And seize what happiness life has for you. You’ve earned it.

@70: "The fact that there were times when the relationship was great punctuated by times when he was horrible"

And really, that any relationship has "good times" is not a reason to stay in it. People are rarely "100% evil/hurtful/nasty" but can still easily be oughtweighed. You can still keep some good memories and run away to develop more with someone who cares about you in total and all the time, who throws you an emotional bone but leaves you starving and emaciated otherwise.

gone_girl, next time you think of him as 'well-liked' just remember that there are at least a few dozen people here who would willingly shank him.

What a rotten person. It churns my stomach to think that someone turned cuckolding--a perfectly fine kink, one that multiple friends of mine apparently love--from something that ought to be really pleasant, even freeing, for everyone involved, into a weapon of abuse. Foul stuff. This has nothing to do with cuckolding or kinks and everything to do with using a sensitive, personal area of someone's life to inflict deep harm. An abuser is an abuser, flat out. That he involved a kink in his cycle of abuse just makes him a coward on top of being a hurtful creep.

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