Everyone try not to slip in santorum.
Everyone try not to slip in santorum. Christopher Halloran / Shutterstock.com

1:50 pm: This debate is between seven people. Two of them you've never heard of: Jim Gilmore and George Pataki. We're frantically looking them up on Wikipedia right now. The other five are Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, Lindsey Graham, and Carly Fiorina.

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2:02 pm: This is so sad. Empty hall, scattered applause. They all have the saddest smiles pasted on their sad faces. Rick Perry looks the saddest. And is his tie Perry-winkle? He opens with a word salad about waking up every day and "projecting" something.

2:04 pm: Fiorina: "I know more world leaders than anyone else on this stage with the possible exception of Hillary Clinton.”

2:05 pm: Santorum is asked if his moment has passed. He talks about minor successes against Mitt Romney last time: "We didn't start out four years ago at the top of the heap." That's right. He was a power bottom who has worked his way up to the top.

2:07 pm: Lindsey Graham: "I am tired of sending 300 billion overseas to people who hate our guts." Also, is he healthy? He looks sick, heatstroked. George Pataki is kind of a silver fox. Jim Gilmore just introduced himself and even though he went into detail, who are you again? We weren't really listening. Your boringness doesn't attach to anything in our heads.

2:12 pm: A moderator just called Donald Trump "the elephant that is not in the room."

2:15 pm: Fiorina is kind of awesome—god she's sarcastic, in that Hillary-ish way. She just dissed Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, and everyone else on the stage, with a smile. "I didn't get a phone call from Bill Clinton before I got on the stage. Maybe it's because I didn't donate to the Clinton Foundation? Or because I didn't donate to Hillary's senate campaign?” Fiorina points out that Trump, even though he's in the lead, is an unpredictable jackass who's "changed his mind on amnesty, immigration, and abortion."


2:20 pm: That Fox moderator just got a huge raise for asking if we should start spying on mosques, because that's like red meat wrapped in bacon and cooked on the end of someone's machine gun.

2:27 pm: Carly just called on Google and Apple to cooperate with FBI spying. All nod in agreement—same GOP that complains about spying. Fiorina: "We need to tear down cyber walls that China is erecting, that Russia is erecting. Russia and China are using technology just as ISIS is using technology to recruit American citizens." Fiorina wants to "connect the dots" between countries who are in the UN and terrorists organizations.

2:29 pm: "When we treat everyone equally under the law, that's when we feel good about being Americans," Santorum just said with a straight face.

2:36 pm: Graham: "To all the Americans who want a better life, do not vote for Hillary Clinton."Because she won't repeal Obamacare or invade Iran.

2:40 pm Did Linsdey Graham just add Hillary Clinton to the list of countries he's going to invade?

2:46 pm Oh God, the moderators keep warning they're about to talk about Planned Parenthood. Let's just rewatch Elizabeth Warren talking about Planned Parenthood instead. Keep that going in the background so that your head doesn't explode.

2:49 pm: Rick Perry just endorsed Fiorina for president? Or something? He said, "I would rather have Carly Fiornia" negotiating with Iran than John Kerry.

2:51 pm: In spite of what Fiorina says, the Iran deal is not a "bad deal." Listen to Obama explain the deal right here.

2:53 pm: The moderator asks Santorum if gay marriage is "settled law." Santorum says: "It is not any more than Dred Scott was settled law to Abraham Lincoln." Wait—Santorum, who just said we should all be treated equally under the law, now says marriage equality isn't "settled law."

2:54 pm: What the fuck is with that empty auditorium? Can't they green-screen some faces onto that backdrop?

3:00 pm: Pataki, the only candidate on the stage who's pro-choice, is now lecturing us all about how we should cut funding to Planned Parenthood. What the fucking fuck? Meanwhile, Fiorina is willing to "shut down the government" over funding for Planned Parenthood, and Jindal agreed, "Absolutely we should defund Planned Parenthood."

3:02 pm: Wait, who's harvesting the organs of unborn children? Why does Graham keep talking about harvesting organs of unborn children?

3:05 pm Jindal will send the IRS after Planned Parenthood but not religious organizations who daily embezzle the poor.

3:07 pm: GOP syllogisms: Carly Fiorina says liberals think they're better than everybody. God is better than everybody. God is a liberal.

3:10 pm: Didn't they say this debate was supposed to be an hour? It's been an hour and 10 minutes and there's no end in sight. Can someone please tie us up and harvest our organs?

3:11 pm Graham is SO ALONE. Someone get Graham a girlfriend so he stops running for president. Playing the pity card isn't the way to attract a partner. Confidence. Project confidence. Straighten up and keep your chin as best you can, considering.

3:12 pm: Rick Perry calls himself "the medicine" this country needs. And now he's talking in third person: "No one's done it like Rick Perry's done it."

3:14 pm: Rick Santorum brags about how many times he's been able to reproduce: seven. And none of their organs were harvested! That we know of.

3:15 pm: Jindal on immigration: "We must insist on assimilation. Immigration without assimilation is an invasion."

3:16 pm: BENGHAZI!! Oh god we forgot all about BENGHAZI. But Carly Fiorina hasn't. All she wants to talk about is Hillary Clinton. Shrewd move. Fiorina: "Hillary Clinton lies about Benghazi, she lies about emails, she defends Planned Parenthood..."

3:17 pm: Lindsey Graham gave a closing statement but no one listened and no one cares.

3:18 pm: It almost sounded like Pataki was talking about an STD test: "And also, I've been tested like no one has." But he wasn't talking about the clap. He was talking about 9/11. He was governor during 9/11.

3:22 pm: Fiorina was the sharpest and most confident Loony Tune on stage, coming across stronger than any of the men. It was hard to tell what Lindsey the Organ Harvester Graham was talking about half the time (how many new countries do we need to invade?) and Santorum's revisionist interpretation of Dred Scott is still breaking our brains. But Fiorina landed hits against Clinton, Trump, Obama, and others. And it worked. She "won."