Open your mouth and get ready to swallow.
"Open your mouth and get ready to swallow." lev radin / Shutterstock.com

5:40 pm: If you missed the kid's table debate earlier today, read this. Carly Fiorina did laps around everyone else. Also: Rick Santorum thinks gay marriage is like the Dred Scott decision. And even the one pro-choice guy in that group wants to defund Planned Parenthood. If you can believe it, tonight's debate tonight is a different collection of asshats. The top 10 asshats in the running: Donald Trump, Jeb! Bush, Scott Walker, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, and some guy whose name we always forget. Oh yeah, John Kasich.

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5:52 pm: Even the fools at Fox think Carly Fiorina won the debate earlier. Meanwhile, someone seems to have successfully bribed some Clevelanders into get their asses into the seats behind the moderators' heads. Or maybe they're all a bunch of salty union auto workers who are excited to hear what the GOP has to say about job creation in one of the capitols of the rust belt.

Live shot from Savages house.
Live shot from Savage's house.

5:55 pm: The moderator asked them to come out, and no one came out. She asked again, and no one came out. They were all chugging beer after the mention LeBron James.

5:57 pm: Every one of the top 10 candidates looks like a pile of mashed potatoes in a suit.

6:06 pm: Can we talk about Marco Rubio's nascent combover? Meanwhile, Ben Carson comes out strong in favor of human beings "having a brain." Thanks, doc!

6:09 pm: Marco Rubio: "How is Hillary going to lecture me about living paycheck to paycheck? I was raised paycheck to paycheck."

6:11 pm: Moderator to Trump: "You've called women you don't like 'fat pigs,' 'dogs,' and 'disgusting animals'..." and Trump interrupts, "Only Rosie O'Donnell." After some throat-clearing, Trump says the worst problem in the country is "political correctness."

6:17 pm: Scott Walker brags about defunding Planned Parenthood before defunding Planned Parenthood was cool.

6:18 pm: Huckabee says abortion is a violation of the 5th and 14th Amendment for unborn people. He also compares the body parts of a fetus to the body parts of a Buick.

6:24 pm: Jeb! wants illegal immigrants to "pay a fine" before they can access the American Dream because he's running for Parking Attendant of the United States.

6:25 pm: Chris Wallace basically says to Trump, "Share your proof with the American people that the Mexican government is sending rapists over the border." Trump says that he went to the border last week and he talked to some people.

6:29 pm: Jeb! looks so nervous, so uncomfortable. It's as if he peed just little bit and is worried if America can see the spot.

6:31 pm: Rubio: You know what I don't like about people trying to escape horrible violence in Guatemala? It’s so RUDE. *fans self rapidly*

6:35 pm: Nothing chills the heart like a Fox moderator saying "Now we're going to talk about terror."

6:37 pm: Christie on protecting homeland: "We have to give more tools to our folks to do that." So—spying is good when Republicans do it.

6:39 pm: Rand Paul to Chris Christie re Obama: "I know you gave him a big hug, and if you want to give him a big hug again, go right ahead." Christie says the only hugs he gives are hugs to people who lost family on 9/11.

6:42 pm: Jeb! Bush on Iraq: "It was a mistake. I would not have gone in." He also says Barack Obama "abandoned" Iraq. He also wants to go to war with ISIS with "every tool at his disposal" because... he... wants to make more phone calls to the families of dying veterans? Add Mopey Concierge of the United States to Jeb!'s job application.

6:45 pm: Ben Carson: "We've gotten into this mindset of fighting these politically correct wars. There's no such thing as a politically correct war."

6:48 pm: Paul to Trump: "The Republican party has been fighting against single-payer for a decade." Um... for 75 years, actually.

6:49 pm: Scott Walker just said that he wants to spend his time attacking Hillary. Yes. Keep attacking Hillary, totally undistinguishable GOP dudes. That'll help you stand out from the rest of the crowd.

6:51 pm: Mike Huckabee, a "Christian," calls for a regressive tax on consumption—i.e., poor people pay a much higher percentage of their income on goods than rich people.

6:55 pm: Thank god Rubio and Jeb! are coming out so strongly against national standards for schools. Finally some recognition that George W. Bush's "No Child Left Behind" was dumb. Are any of them going to come out in favor of letting teachers decide what they teach their kids?

6:59 pm: Chris Wallace asks, "What's your plan for taking Hillary Clinton on?" but unfortunately he asks Kasich, whom no one has ever heard of and no one cares about. Then he asks Carson, who says, "If Hillary is the nominee, which I doubt..." Wow. Meanwhile, his answer is even more blank and generic than Kasich's.

7:03 pm: Jeb! is a worse speaker than Mitt Romney. Remember what a cheesy fondue spout Romney was? Jeb is so much worse. He can't talk. He's so nervous. And he thinks he's some kind of poet.

7:05 pm: Sooooo, building a single pipeline, getting rid of a money-saving heath care system, and "fixing a convoluted tax code" is the way to double GDP? Got it, Jeb! By "fix the tax code," you mean we need to raise the marginal tax rate to 90%, right?

7:07 pm: Walker promised to create 250K jobs in first term. WI added half that. Given your record in WI, why should voters believe you?

7:09 pm: This debate is like having 10 new racist, sexist, and homophobic grandparents at the dinner table. It's so fun whenever Huckabee says "pimps."

7:12 pm: Fact Check: Trump companies have declared bankruptcy four times.

7:16 pm: This stuff against the Iran deal is bullshit. The Iran deal is a good deal. It's not true we "got nothing" out of the deal, as Huckabee contends. Click that link. Go watch that video and let the president explain what we got.

7:22 pm: Bring back Carly Fiorina.

7:23 pm: Oh good, "social issues"! Jeb! gets asked about being a director at a charity that gave a lot of money to Planned Parenthood, and he looks like a turd is escaping his ass as he tries to give an answer that makes it sound like he didn't even know Planned Parenthood got that money.

7:24 pm: Jeb!: "I created a culture of life in our state." By creating a culture of life, he means life for the cancer growing in the bodies of women who use Planned Parenthood for regular medical screenings.

7:28 pm: Just a reminder that the economic growth in Florida that Jeb! keeps claiming as his own was a direct result of the housing bubble. That bubble burst for Florida and for the US.

7:32 pm: Bernie Sanders is tweeting this.

7:33 pm: The national conversation about police brutality against black people just got 15 seconds. #BlackLivesMatterFor15Seconds

7:38 pm: Oh yeah, Ted Cruz. It's so nice of them to let the Canadian speak.

7:42 pm: Huckabee: "I'm not sure how paying for transgender surgery makes our country safer." Some trans people are soldiers?

7:46 pm: She just said that up next was "closing statements" and "God." GOD IS ABOUT TO MAKE A CLOSING STATEMENT? Um.

7:50 pm: Some rando—"Chase Norton on Facebook"—wants to know how schizophrenic they are whether any of them have received any specific messages from God about what to do first. Now they're all trying to out-God each other. Scott Walker just said "the blood of Jesus Christ."

7:54 pm: Reasons why Cruz, Kasich, Walker believe in God: Daddy issues, miracles, and having drunk Christ-blood, respectively.

7:55 pm: Rubio: "I think God has blessed us. He's blessed us with some very good candidates. The Democrats can't even find one."

7:56 pm: Awww, no fair, we're moving on to closing statements before Donald Trump talks about God? You're fired.

8:00 pm: Ben Carson wants to "pick up the baton of freedom." Huckabee says Hillary "doesn't know how to govern" and that "once again we can be one nation under God." Walker says, "I'm a guy with a wife and two kids and a Harley" and he wants you to think of him as "aggressively normal." Trump says, "Our country is in serious trouble. We don't win anymore," mentioning China, Japan, Mexico, and repealing Obamacare.