Savage Love Letter of the Day: Well-Adjusted People Problems

Comments

1
Not-so-humble brag.
3
Also, by default, monogamous, committed sex can never be as kinky, forbidden, and exciting as fucking your best friends SO in the back of your mother's car on Christmas Eve, pausing, pulses elevated, as a patrol car passes nearby. NEVER.
4
This made me glad I didn't have a very repressive upbringing. I have felt irrational shame about sex, but I'm not so attached to it that I miss it when it's gone.
5
I was looking forward to advice along the lines of "Don't be afraid to error on the side of a firehall 12-way. Send pictures."
6
@5 - Surely at least a few of the men in that firehouse don't have all those hangups about their sexy bodies being posted on the internet.
7
@1: No kidding. I want to smack her.
8
I would think that for most people, unburdening themselves from the guilt of sexual pleasure and fulfillment, is a breakthrough that allows them psychic freedom to explore their sexual desires and deeply enjoy those experiences.

Perhaps LW's guilt and shame over her sexual desires stunted her development of an erotic imagination. The fear of being caught in the act of sex became so integral in her sexual experience, that it crowded out other sexual thoughts. By the time she was old enough to freely engage in sex, she was left without creative impulse to keep exploring her sexuality.

An imagination is like a barren field, if you plant some seeds, things will eventually grow. LW should continue to read, watch movies, surf the web, and perhaps something will catch her eye and spark her imagination.
9
@8: ... or she's just insufferably smug.
10
@5 LMAO
11
I think he'll do much better the next time around after she dumps him.
12
Have a kid, or better yet, at least two, and THEN you'll REALLY know what it's like to have to be creative, inventive, and get it good, whenever and wherever you can get it, mother fucker!

In other words, you're complaint is lame and total fucking bullshit, but only simply because you're coming off as kinda naive. Sounds to me like you've barely crawled out of your shell, and you're still damn young and haven't faced a lot of serious challenges as a couple. If your worst complaint is that it's so horrible that you love your guy and he's hot, but...meh, then you just haven't been around the block more than once or twice. Of course, I don't actually advocate having kids as a solution, what I mean is, give your life time to build, and you'll find you'll both change in ways you don't understand yet, and your needs and wants will too. You may not even end up with this guy down the road and it may be you just will need something/someone new in the future. Good luck.
13
"our sex is enthusiastic, acrobatic, frequent, and loving. He's wonderful and thoughtful and empathetic and giving and I do my damnedest to be as GGG as he is. (On top of that he's a firefighter, has a six pack, fucks like a champion, and is the most compassionate and creative human being I have ever met... I lucked out.) I just miss that naughty feeling that is eluding me because I have this obnoxiously reasonable notion that everything we're doing is good and natural and there's nothing terribly transgressive"

This sounds less about sex and more about people who desire self-destructiveness in contentment. When everything's great they imagine something is wrong, or drift off into boredom, believing that there's greener pastures to be found.
14
"Doubly impressive as it's a selfie"

Give me a fucking break.
15
He could have an affair, or you could develop an addiction; I'm sure that would help make things less perfect.
16
I'm calling BS on this. Everything's great in bed BUUUUT she's upset that her sex isn't transgressive enough because they're both SOOO openminded? Sounds like a terrible expectation if you want to have a long and vibrant sex life with your partner. There's obviously something else wrong here and I'm almost 100% sure it's because they're young and/or inexperienced. You're doing it wrong if that's your complaint, gurl.
17
As always, the LW leaves a lot of detail out of her letter that could aid in a diagnosis. Leaving aside the smug,"Wow! Our sex life is perfect in every way!...except for this ONE niggling little thing..." she says, "My boyfriend and I are not particularly kinky" and then goes on to complain that she's not getting enough "naughty" in her sex life because there is nothing left that makes her feel dirty. Does that mean that getting fucked in the ass in front of her picture window is just a big HO-HUM?

Here's an idea. If you want to feel "naughty" then get naughtier, I'll bet you wouldn't dismiss a blowjob in the back pew of Mass on Sunday as "non-transgressive". Unless your church is a lot more packed that most I've seen, there is usually some non-descript corner away from the madding crowd, and if anyone does see you kneeling, you can always pull a rosary off his cock and say you were praying ;-) How about looking up a local swinger's club and fucking in the middle of a group of people? (You don't have to swap partners - stick with Mr. Six-Pack) I'll bet THAT might feel a tiny bit naughty. Walk down to the bus stop and pee your pants, take the bus downtown & meet Mr. Perfect (with a fresh set of clothes) at the local Arby's, get a milkshake, pour it in your panties & fuck in the restroom. Then change pants (or don't). Need I go on? (Actually, I'd kind of like to, I'm starting to get a little excited here).

I don't believe there is nothing left that will feel taboo to you. Unless you've been lobotomized, there's got to be SOMETHING that will feel like you're stepping over the line. Stop whining and get creative.
18
@1 FTW

Maybe she's just really boring.
19
Hmmm... not sure why all the hate... Congrats to you LW ! Glad you are having fun fulfilling sex. My suggestion is if the present day sex is totally okay with you, you can always go back in your mind to a time when you DID have those hangups. (like "oh, no, he wants to touch me there") and it can heat up the present, fun sex with a remembered sense of naughty. Worth a try anyhow.
20
Nothing naughtier than a Cleveland Steamer.
21
Basically this is a fancied-up "I'm in a stable relationship and sorta bored. Not enough to make me do anything about it tho".
22
He's a fireman! Or was that a policeman.. And stands on his head while he's hard? Is that cock hard or muscle hard? Oh the mind on that one..
Wake me when there's a real problem please Dan.
23
@17.. Pull a rosary off his cock? Omg. Do you know how long you'd spend in Hell for that one.
And during Mass.. I really should say a few Hail Mary's for even reading those words.
24
I really want to comment, cause I feel the LWs pain. But I haven't solved this myself, this propensity towards boredom when you think everyone else has something dirtier going on. Maybe try edging. That's vanilla, but torment-y. Also perhaps sensory deprivation (only the safe mild forms), if you haven't.
25
Yes, @23, even though I'm not Catholic I may have just added a few days in purgatory there...
26
LW just wants the adrenaline back, the frisson of breaking taboos. Well, I guess you'd have to break new taboos to get that, and that isn't somewhere you two want to go.

So ask yourself: what it is about so far unexplored kinks that doesn't appeal to you? Are there risks that you are unwilling to take? Because the excitement comes from taking the risk.

It is your choice.
27
Donny @25; it's a great image. Depicts those creepy priests very well.
A rosary over a cock.
28
@20: Agreed. Uh, no need for pictures, thanks.
29
I somehow never fetishized anti-sex attitudes, and I really don't understand what's supposed to be nasty or dirty about sex. Even when it gets messy. It's lots of fun, sometimes astonishingly indescribable, but why should it be naughty or forbidden? And, besides, those feelings about sex are meta-pleasures - they can only happen if you're at least slightly disengaged from the actual acts you're in the middle of, rather than being totally in the moment and totally taken up in physical sensation.

Needless to say, I'm not much into wearing a wimple while being beaten with rosaries or other fantasy play, although I enjoyed a long term buddy who was seriously turned on if I grunted like a pig - he didn't mind if I laughed and grunted, and it all worked out really well.

What I've gone for has been strong sensations, and that has led me into some very intense places. Some of my partners have gotten off on the transgressiveness of what we've gotten up to while I just gloried in feeling orgasmic for several hours with my higher mental functions shut down, but that's fine, different turnons can mesh very well. So I'd recommend exploring more in the S/M world, fisting and other erotic stuff that involves physical intensity, and you'll end up not noticing that naughtiness is missing - when the physical intensity short-circuits your brain, you can no longer talk, and you can only grunt or laugh or bellow with the pleasure of it all, there's just no room in your brain to feel naughty anyway.
30
Best comments ever.
31
Wow. I hate my life now. Anybody else? lol

Not sure I believe this letter. Maybe that's because I've been reading Savage Love since I was 18 and can't imagine ever being free of my hangups.

But kudos to Dan for being too kind to tell the LW what I would have said: It sounds like you're bored with your fireman. Maybe he's too good at putting fires out.

Also, @DonnyKlicious... That's a gorgeous image with the rosary, as highlighted by @LavaGirl. I'm picturing it as part of some priest/altar boy role play... Save me a seat in hell, OK?
32
@29, I agree, she should try being fisted. If that doesn't work, she should try fisting him.

But basically, @1 FTW.
33
"I just don’t feel like there’s anything naughty about having sex anymore; sans the cultural baggage, anything one does in the bedroom is just consenting adults making each other feel great."

Is "Consent-Play" a thing? Seems like it might be difficult, but perhaps attempt-able by Sex Olympiads like the LW and her GGG, handstanding firefighter.
34
@17, yes please go on! I thought fucking for an audience would be a good option as well.
35
How about role playing?
36
This is the saddest letter I've ever seen here. Is that really all sex is to this reader? A naughty deed that has been now too cleaned up for her? For me monogamous sex is about the intense sharing of bodies, so intense that it reaches deep into my mind and sense of person and knowing my husband is feeling the same. (Sometimes it's just getting off too...and that too is amazing.)
37
I rarely comment on Dan’s letters – for my own personal reasons that would affect/interest all of you not at all. But I felt compelled to reply that it very much sounds like the LW has just reached a period of sexual boredom in her relationship. Which quite frankly, happens to the best of us, and doesn’t require a plea to Dan Fucking Savage to fix the issue.

Huzzah to the masses above who have commented with some increasingly kinky options to get the home fires burning again, but the LW needs to remember the most important step to take if you THINK there is a problem is the mental step. ESPECIALLY for women – there’s nothing like ramping up the dirty factor by some straight out mental masturbation. There’s a shit-ton of supportive statements to be found on the internet talking about mental preparedness in general, but not a huge amount that applies itself directly to our sex lives. We live in our minds, and if your mind thinks that things are just not as exciting as they used to be, then change it. Ramp up the intensity there first – and be prepared to amaze yourself with how much better your sex life miraculously becomes.
38
Why so much hostility toward this LW? It sounds to me like she is saying the sex is great and the type she wants with a partner she feels connected to but she's feeling less excited lately and wants to regain that old hot feeling so she can remain connected to her partner and still have her mind blown. To me, that sounds like a perfectly good reason to ask Dan for advice. Many of us have experienced this in LTRs, whether related to religious upbringing or not.

I agree with Emma Ovary that fantasizing can help in such a situation, but that's not always enough. What is enough, I don't know, which is why I find this type of letter very welcome.

I hope you're able to work it out, LW.
39
@ 38 - Perhaps it's the tone of the letter, not her actual problem. See @ 1.
40
This one is easy.... Refuse to have sex with him for a month. When he asks why, say that he's not fulfilling your emotional needs. When he asks how he can do that, say that telling him would make it unfulfilling and he should just know.

How's that for some transgressive sex for you?
41
I think, @38catlady, the board is annoyed at CAS's gushing about her 6-packed, upside-down hanging fireman stud and what an incredible GGG relationship she is bored to death with, when all she needs to do is STOP BEING SO FUCKING BORING already.
And for you lea-gia@34...
They could cover their entire bedroom with plastic, get a gallon jug of Mazola and stage a corn-oil fuck-fest recorded by cell-phone video. I would encourage them to wear masks and post it anonymously online for us all to watch (just post a link to this thread, CAS - we'll be watching!)

Oh, and speaking from personal experience corn oil can be a bitch to get out of your hair. I recommend dishwashing liquid.
42
So, she's in a typical monogamous, and boring relationship--and she needs validation for how far/long it took her to get there. Which leads to the fork most people get to: 1) stay monogamous and distract yourself with a new busier schedule of unpleasurable responsibilities (kids, work) eventually resigning into mediocrity/death--the american dream. Or, 2) stumble through the much more expansive world of non-monogamy allthewhile training herself for the real lesson: laying the foundation early will help her succeed better in her NEXT (and first adult) relationship.
43
I can identify with LW. Hookups and Relationships in my late teens/early 20s were simply more exciting. Now, sex is nice, but I don't have the feeling of accomplishment like I used to. There are some subjective reasons, but overall I think the main thing is, a lot less of this stuff is 'new' to me. Alas.
44
How about do it while dressed up as a nun and a priest?
45
@19 / @38: Why all the hate? Jealousy. Duh.
46
@45: It's not jealousy to think it's a shame that no matter what someone has, they'll find a way to wreck it. We're not wishing we were in her spot of unhappiness, just rolleyesing at her complaints.
47
Jealousy Fan? Like curmud @42 points out, she's just hitting the truth re monogamy. Right about now they should be planning babies. Take her mind off it.
48
Lava @47: I hope you are also kidding. "Our life was too perfect, sweetie, so we decided to ruin it by having you." Shudder!
49
I always like looking through people's own words to see what they're hiding. In this case, the LW gushes about how fabulously well-adjusted she is. But is she really - if the most important thing when she was younger was the illicit feelings she got for doing something naughty ... rather than just physical pleasure and emotional fulfillment (as if THAT weren't the most valuable reward all on its own)? That doesn't sound "well-adjusted" to me. It sounds like immaturity in general (Woo-hoo, see what I'm getting away with!) and a mild case of religious damage that has resurfaced to begin sucking the joy out of her relationship.

Perhaps she should apply some introspection to her need-for-naughty to allow for a course correction. When she feels herself slipping into unwanted thoughts (Must. Have. Naughty. Or. Else. It's. Just. Not. Good. Enough), she can push back with positive ones.
50
Oh gods, it's the sex version of the people who go through life detonating relationships in public, messy ways because they've internalized a need for public interpersonal conflict ("drama"). Your desire for sex to feel "naughty" is an unhealthy artifact of a puritanical rape culture, CAS; the only true solution to your (nice-to-have) problem is to re-socialize yourself, which is extremely hard emotional/psychological work that usually takes years, if it's even possible. Otherwise you can adopt coping mechanisms that attempt to make your sex feel transgressive again. Have you tried role-playing wildly inappropriate relationships, like incest or sex with strong elements of coercion? If it's the risk of getting 'caught' that's thrilling, you can create that risk in different ways - public sex (even making out) is a little bit fucked up, becasue it turns everyone who passes by into a potentially unwilling audience member*, but thanks to the magic of the internet, you can now make your sex public only for people who opt in to watching you with various webcam services.

*I don't think it's any more or less reasonable to expect people to have to put up with watching others have sex of any sort in front of them than it is to expect people to have to put up with watching others take a shit in front of them: they're both 'natural' human behaviors. So, if you want to argue that people shouldn't have as many sexual hang-ups as they do and should just be cool with people humping (be it dry or wet) everywhere, I'll agree, but I'll also argue that your argument applies equally well to our hang-ups around shit, and you're probably a hypocrite if you would object to me dropping my pants and taking a dump in line at the checkout counter. Given the present norms of our society, I think public sex is always unethical unless encountering it is functionally opt-in.
51
Yes Fan. Just joking. I think this girl is not really deeply in love with this man, hence the need to brag about his body beautiful.
52
@49/50 Yup, being an adult is tougher than humping and grinding awkwardly as a teen who's just excited that they get to use their junk with another, it's going to require depth and other interesting things to keep you interested and excited when you can fuck whenever you want while life gets in the way, but there probably aren't any secrets there, just work and attitude.
53
@50: "your argument applies equally well to our hang-ups around shit, and you're probably a hypocrite if you would object to me dropping my pants and taking a dump in line at the checkout counter."

Well that's an odd analogy. They're both "natural" but I don't think they're the same class of action.
54
Agree undead. Not the same class of action at all.. And involving very different smells.
55
A while back I saw his situation described in terms of the hormones involved: In the lust, or desire, stage, the dominant hormone is testosterone. In the second stage, love -- involving attraction to a specific person -- the "feel-good" hormones of dopamine, serotonin and adrenalin come into play. In the third stage -- long-term bonding -- the "cuddle hormones" or oxytocin and vasopressin, play a bigger role.
The only suggestion I have, is maybe novelty -- trying new things/scenes/situations -- can substitute to some extent for the rush of doing the forbidden. The reason novelty gives a similar rush is the risk involved, and that risk is real and the effects can, if the wrong boundary is crossed, destabilize a relationship that had a lot going for it. On the other hand, there is also risk in avoiding novelty and getting stuck in a rut, or in the search for novelty becoming it's own rut. It can be a real conundrum.

--Dub
56
@50 "I'll also argue that your argument applies equally well to our hang-ups around shit"

You gotta be kidding! Seriously, dude, respecting the fact that every body has a different stem that winds their watch (boy is THAT a dated analogy!) equating the (hopefully clandestine) fuck in public to taking a shit in a grocery store? How about our "hang-ups" about clubbing baby seals?
57
and Lava@54 Hopefully!
58
I have no anger with LW, futurecatlady. I mean, with the exception of the Gosling/Mendez fuck fest which is clearly already going on in their bedroom. (THERE’s the eye roll)

As I said, I think her problems are OUR problems. Well, perhaps not OURS exactly…but the royal Our. As Fetish points out…as we age there is just not as much “new” available.

Well, apart from corn oil, fisting, pig grunting, rosaries and failing all else, a lobotomy.
59
How about a Hot Carl?
60
TheBadSeed131313@59....and that would be?

Haha thanks for the friendly advice DonnyKLicious @41
61
Never mind, urban dictionary was quite helpful @TheBadSeed131313 ha
62
@59: I guess we know that Horstman does!
63
Tears in my eyes at the image she presented . Mother of...