SL Letter of the Day: Only the Lonely

Comments

1
Go get em, LASS.
2
If it were a dude you'd tell them to find a Sex Worker service.

Equal Pay for Equal Work, ladies.

3
Another thing to try: volunteer your time somewhere. It can be anywhere, really— a food pantry, a women's shelter, the local library... And it can be for as little as a few hours a week. You may not meet any potential dates, but who knows? It's almost guaranteed the people you will meet won't be abusive aholes. And you'll feel even better about yourself.
4
Has she asked anyone on a date?
5
What I appreciate about this advice is Dan's candor. There really isn't a guarantee that you'll ever find someone to spend your life with, but there are things you can do to maximize the likelihood that you will meet someone with whom you can have a romantic relationship.

If LASS were my friend, I would suggest taking classes in things that interest her. Anyone you meet in class shares your interest, so you have something in common already, and the class environment creates a low pressure, non-sexual environment to get to know someone. If there's any chemistry, then it's really easy to ask someone to join you after class for coffee or a drink. Foreign language classes can be particular good for this reason, as the class requires you to speak to everyone else and get to know them.
6
Something about the abusive-relationship past makes me think, "Take it slower." Not that the victim is at fault in an abusive relationship, but if her past pattern was to jump in, suddenly, into a new relationship, that is a risky pattern.

And is being in a relationship all or nothing? Dan promotes the idea of losing your virginity in steps (your hand-job virginity, your oral-sex virginity, your PIV, PIA, etc virginities). Could the LW do relationships in steps or maybe even aim for some aspects of a stereotypical relationship without assuming it has to mean all of: romance, sex, activities together, moving in together, etc? It could take the pressure off if she's not trying to find "the one" or even "the 0.78" in all things. Just find a 0.73 kind of guy for going to movies with. And/or a 0.82 for a FWB relationship. Maybe it becomes something more, but don't stress about it if it stays at that level.
7
(She's doing lots of the right things, but being passive/receptive isn't working for her.)
8
@2 - She asked about finding a partner/relationship, not about getting laid. Most likely a man in a similar situation would be asking about getting laid rather than about finding a partner/relationship.

BTW - one thing which *might* (or might not) help LASS is to focus on simply getting laid rather than on finding a partner. It takes some of the pressure off. If you happen to get laid repeatedly by the same person who fits all of her qualifications THEN it can maybe turn into a relationship. In any case, it's something she can try for awhile to see if it helps.
9
Wasn't this auntie grizelda?
10
She's getting some great advice in the comments as well. I like the one about taking language classes. And you're right, Dan. It's better to be alone than to wish you were.
11
I have not been asked on a date in years—sad—but I go out to movies, dinner, etc., on my own
Does she ask people out herself? My understanding is that at a certain age, women have to do the pursuing, or at least can no longer passively wait for dudes to ask them out. Perhaps she's at that age.
12
@2 - I don't generally comment on your stuff, but fuck dude, could you try to develop some more empathy? Some active listening skills? Yes we all have stories to tell, but real friendship involves listening and understanding and empathizing with people. Wait until people ask for the stories, that's the best way. Right?

@8 - Probably not (man in a similar situation). Men want companionship too, not just sex. Especially at 52.5 where for men sex is more of a expedition rather than a weekend getaway. ;>)
13
Let me recommend finding a local drumming group: African, Brazilian, Japanese taiko. They are in nearly every major city. Many of them have a majority of adult men in them. Most of those men are married or partnered, but some aren't. For a minimal weekly fee ($5?) you join the group, you perform for charity events (which are often really cool, actually!), and you meet a lot of people outside your usual haunts. I found that in "taking a class" I would end up in a class with all women. Meh. But joining a music group? Oh yes.
14
"Another thing to try: volunteer your time somewhere. [...] It's almost guaranteed the people you will meet won't be abusive aholes."

I'd believe it improves the non-ahole odds, but it's far from a guarantee. Lots of them in volunteering too. They tend to be sneakier at 'passing' as decent, until you're involved. :-/

It's a good idea still, don't get me wrong, but don't let your assholedar lapse!
15
What are you passionate about, LW? Go do those things, you'll meet others who care about the same things you do. Make friends with the ones you like best, listen well, be a kind and honest friend, share things with others (make sure this goes both ways). Then even if there's no romantic relationship, you will have people in your life who care about you. You don't have to be with a man to not be alone. Take good care of yourself and don't be selfish and creepy; good people who are happy and contented are very attractive to others.
Also make sure you've worked through whatever got you into that abusive relationship, so you can stop yourself from doing it again. You might be sending out "don't approach" signals. Once you're confident you love yourself enough to not get abused again, then you won't be afraid to enter into close relationships and be more approachable.
16
But is this what, LW?
Do you take a good book to read when dining alone or find friends to go see a movie with.
"Share your life with", when single, that sounds so romantic, so perfect.
No, it's living your life beside someone else living theirs and sharing some of it with each other. And it's work as well as intimacy and pleasure.
Personally I'm not up to the work. So being single for me at this time is my choice.
I sure don't fall into some fantasy script in my head re some perfect dude out there who I just have to shack up with.
This attitude of yours would sure Not attract me if I was a man.
This is your life, notice what it has that brings you joy and peace and happiness as you notice what other situations you might like to experience, like having a LTR.
Enjoy your solitude and time for contemplation. Read up on subjects you've always been interested in.
Like Chase said, have you initiated a connection with a guy? Get out there in your sexy clothes, and meet some men.
17
I Hate Screen Names @11: Fuck "at a certain age." Any woman is more than capable of taking the bull by the horns and doing the asking out, the going for what she wants. It's effective, and quite often men appreciate having the onus of doing-the-asking taken off their shoulders. Equality!

LASS: A friend of mine recommends the chess club. If you like nerdy guys, you'll have loads to pick from and no competition! Good luck!
18
@17: "Fuck "at a certain age." Any woman is more than capable of taking the bull by the horns and doing the asking out, the going for what she wants. It's effective, and quite often men appreciate having the onus of doing-the-asking taken off their shoulders. Equality!"

This is so, so true.
19
I'm with Robby @8. If only as an experiment, maybe first try focusing on getting laid. Not necessarily because it might lead somewhere else (though it's possible) but because it can somehow change your energy. I know that sounds dumb; I can't think of the right words. I think many women sort of turn off their sexual energy in LTRs and then it's just dormant until they get freshly laid. YMMV but it has always worked for me.
20
Another agreement with #17 - And not to be a wet blanket in what's a pretty genial compassionate thread, but please beware: when you ask others out (if you haven't done it much before), some of them say no. Happens to everyone, but a lot of people not used to doing the asking seize on this as proof that All The Good Ones Are Taken/everyone's standards are too high, like that.
In my observation, people who do continuous self-improvement, mental and physical, past, say, 35, are a relatively small group, Gets smaller still after 50, so if you're one of them, your stock keeps going up. Even so, tell Scotty to have your shields up when asking a guy out, don't let it bring you (too far) down if he's not into the idea.
There are a couple of low-pressure openers that he will seize on if he wants to go out with you, and play off if he doesn't. I remember a classmate in Seattle asking if I knew where someone 'could get a good glass of wine around here.' I knew she didn't want me to direct her to CVS, but was able to dissipate the request, change the subject, and be glad that she'd given us both that out.
21
@20: "when you ask others out (if you haven't done it much before), some of them say no. Happens to everyone, but a lot of people not used to doing the asking seize on this as proof that All The Good Ones Are Taken/everyone's standards are too high, like that. "

This is also so, so true. Too many of my friends went back to the passive strategy because they "tried" asking guys out, and the first one or two "askees" said no, so they concluded it doesn't work. It does! The lesson's a somewhat painful one to learn, but you really do have to ask out a large number of people. The success rate might not be very high, but it doesn't have to be. If you ask out twenty people and two of them said yes, that means you just got two dates today. Two dates is a pretty good day.
22
LW, From your short note it sounds like you're doing your best to stay active which is good, but the things you listed were kind of solitary endeavors...I go out to movies, dinner, etc., on my own, snowboard and ride horses, etc... Take the commenters' advice about finding activities that involve a group setting. For example, In Minneapolis there is a dance studio that has weekly swing dance nights open to the public. Everyone switches (dance) partners all night long, it's good exercise and good music. Don't know the steps...take lessons. Community Ed does them here for a modest price.
23
As a 50 something single guy, I recommend contra dancing: its good exercise, easy to learn, and you dont have to show up with a partner or significant other. For details on the Seattle dance, http://seattledance.org/contra/emeraldci…
The dance in DC where I live is very friendly and welcoming, and when I do travel, I usually to visit the local dances, always a nice time.
24
@12 treacle - "Men want companionship too, not just sex. Especially at 52.5 ..." Speak for yourself. I'm a 57 year old man, & if I was single I'd be focusing first on getting laid. I am old enough to know to steer clear of crazies & the like, of course, but getting laid comes first. Relationship is important, yes, but sex is a more immediate need, while relationships are more of a long term problem. I think this is true for men of any age who are in good sexual health.
25
A woman looking to meet a man should not attempt to resolve this issue by enrolling in classes she's interested in, unless she has atypical interests, as she is likely to just find more women.

A woman who is looking to meet men should do activities that men do. What do non-abusive single 50-something year old men do with their free time?
26
I could have written this as a 27 year old. I guess it's just a reminder to make sure that I'm open to a relationship soon.
27
@3 I disagree. My last relationship was with someone who heads a volunteer org and he was abusive. Abusive assholes hide everywhere, but luckily they're usually easier to identify.
28
@24, Robbie. Interesting. How long would that impulse last , before you started to want something a bit deeper.
Avoiding desperate, clinging people is my aim. Or crazies, as you call them.
Maybe going to dance classes, or other activities will help this woman, it doesn't really address her basic problem. Which is her desperation. Her inability to find her inner strength and just keep building on that.
Then she will feel easier as a full human, not searching for this mythical other half.
Having a lover/ companion is great. And she has no risk of pregnancy, so any relationships will be equal here.
Maybe as said above, why not go to a sex worker. Break out of this mind frame she's in and see what she feels then.

29
@11: Fuck "at a certain age." Any woman is more than capable of taking the bull by the horns and doing the asking out, the going for what she wants. It's effective, and quite often men appreciate having the onus of doing-the-asking taken off their shoulders. Equality!"

Are you as passionate about Equality when it comes to equal pay for equal work, equal representation, and equal media portrayal, or only when twisting the concept to further excuse male laziness and tendency to use women, while bitching how women are this and that?

@2 Maybe she does NOT want a sex worker? Dumb much? Dick is so cheap one cannot get away from it. Why would one pay for something they can easily find and use. Males are begging to get laid. Just look at the comments, most males are suggesting just that. Or are you suggesting paying a sex worker male to fuck his ass and mouth with a strapon? That's cheap too. Just the other day some some dude begged me to fuck him in the ass.
30
@6, she's been single for ten years. How much slower is she supposed to take it? I like the idea of going to dance classes--she might meet a nice gentleman her age. Someone suggested chess clubs, but she'd probably meet guys young enough to be her son (not necessarily a bad thing). Joining a gym might not be a bad way to meet people, and she'll be getting fit, which should increase her confidence.

Good luck, LASS!
31
@29: "Are you as passionate about Equality when it comes to...."

Far, far more so, idiot.