Savage Love Letter of the Day: He Doesn't Wanna Be Her Next Cuckold

Comments

1
The restraint you show sometimes Dan...
2
"Badgered", "pressured", and "only did it to save her marriage" do not sound like the words of someone who particularly wants to repeat these experiences.

Still, I can get how hearing details about your partner's past can be a bit of a shock. In that case, it might be good to discuss fantasies. Having those sorts of experiences with someone can give you a solid sense of stuff you've done as a unit, instead of your brain treating you to images of them having super porn quality sex with other people. (This especially works if it's something they haven't had much opportunity to experience before, an an ex who pressures her into that sort of stuff doesn't sound too concerned with fulfilling her fantasies.) And while there's no guarantee that she will come clean about other stuff but will still hold back her desire to have you be her next cuckold, it will make that specific scenario much less likely to unfold.
3
Yeah, whatever you do, don't believe her. Nothing sets a better tone for a new relationship than paranoia and mistrust.
4
Cuckolding is such a twisted kink. Men who are into that are nuts.
5
now it's in your head, dude. probably better to move on.
6
Hey, CINOVA. We all (well, almost all) have fucked someone before we met you. "All this bitchin' and moanin' and pitchin' a fit. Get over it." It's the present that counts, and even though this must not have occurred to you, you don't have to be a cuckold if you don't want to. Plus, she's your new girlfriend, not your wife of forty years. You don't have much invested, so if she's just got to have another man's dick while you watch from the closet and cry into a towel, I guess you might want to find another girl who isn't quite so adventurous. Was that somehow not obvious? Dan's right, it's rarely the woman who wants this scenario. But if it is, and she's a domme, I'd say she found another wishy-washy hand-wringer to push around.
7
@2 ""Badgered", "pressured", and "only did it to save her marriage" do not sound like the words of someone who particularly wants to repeat these experiences."

And now she gets to be badgered and pressured by her new partner!

There is the possibility that she actually did enjoy it and is trying to be diplomatic to his horrified face, but the primary issue here is his insecurities and paranoia.
8
I mean if she felt victimized, way to shame her further, dillhole.
9
I'd like to join Sandiai @1 in applauding Dan for his restraint. I've been in the exact same position as CINOVA's girlfriend: pressured into arranged cuckolding which I only did to try to preserve a relationship. I did NOT enjoy it. It was over five years ago, and I still occasionally cry when thinking about it. I only open up about it with people I deeply trust, because it's a huge vulnerable spot for me. If I got the slightest inkling that a current boyfriend wanted to be cuckolded, I'd dump him on the spot, as I wish I had done with that ex.

What is wrong with CINOVA that he takes her confiding in him and uses it as grounds to distrust her? What is wrong with CINOVA that she tells him about her being coerced into something and he makes it all about his ludicrous insecurities?

CINOVA should get it through his thick, insensitive skull that if she wanted to date a cuck, she'd still be with her ex.
10
This is a situation where the LW should talk to his girlfriend instead of writing to an advice columnist.
11
What a pathetic bag of insecure immature slop the LW is.
12
God, I hope this poor woman breaks up with the asshat who wrote this letter. She's already been mistreated by her ex--she doesn't need more abuse.
13
What a fucking Chedder! This dude has stumbled upon a woman who's seemingly GGG and rather than be excited at the fact that he has a partner who's likely game to join him to some degree in his own sexual growth and fantasy actualization, is upset at her for doing something he's uncomfortable with, in the past, with someone else?

I get feeling uncomfortable with having a partner with more sexual experience. I say that because I experienced the same when I was young, immature and stupid. But the fact of the matter is that he's never going to get over that until he's had some sexual adventures of his own. And that will probably be with a woman who, at least in the beginning of their relationship, has more sexual experience than him. That's just due to the dominant relationship dynamics in our country: women often to date older men when they're younger and we thus exposed to kink earlier than young men. Or at least that has been my experience.

Tell this kid to get over himself and have some fun fucking his not-prude new girlfriend. And to try not to fetishize her in the meantime. And if he can't than do them both a favor and break up with her, apologizing heavily for being such a fucking dork.
14
@10: "You say you were pressured and badgered into this, but I think you liked it and want some more of it" is about the last thing a person who shared a story like that needs to hear. I'm relieved for her sake that he checked in with Dan first.

Having as much empathy as I can for the LW and trying to see it from his perspective: For men who don't have a cuckold fetish, the idea sounds bizarre and unbelievable. It may be that hearing "a man wanted to watch me get fucked by another man" sounded so strange to him that it returned an error message. So he tried to come up with an explanation that made more sense to him, which was "this was her fantasy/ idea."

I know the cuckold fetish is high on the WTF factor for men who don't have it, but believe me, it is a thing.
15
Another letter that boils down to, "I was having a conversation w/ my SO, and something they said made me nervous. I immediately ended the conversation to sit down and write to Dan, to find out What should I do?" Dan: "Go back and continue the conversation, dumbfuck."

Oh, and @4, fuck you. If you think a kink is gross, then don't do it and keeping your sex-shaming close-minded pie hole shut.
16
LW, what are you conflicted about? If you believe she is testing you, then ask her straight. Are you really into this or not?
If you feel conflicted because you don't like being with a woman who behaved this way in the past, then end the relationship.
Ambivalent feelings in relationships are common, talk with her. On the plus side, she is being honest with you.. well, I think she is being honest with you. Really, if she wanted you to be a cuckold I think she would have mentioned that up front.
17
I'm pretty sure the LW would be upset if she told him she fucked her ex-husband when they were married, too.
18
" She told me when I was recounting a party I had attended and noted that it appeared a threesome would occur ... and think she may have been testing me in order to see if I wanted to"

Hey dipshit, did it occur to you that maybe she thought YOU were testing HER?
19
I'm surprised it's that odd of a fetish...or is that the definition of a fetish? Either way, i watch this kind of porn occasionally, I'm a woman and i like it but never really been in a relationship where the fantasy was actually fulfilled, just used as dirty talk...well on one occasion it was and i enjoyed but that's it. I loved loved Dans advice. Seriously this guy is very judgemental! I get everyone has their line, but drawing it at that seems kinda insecure.
20
Now, as to what you do about it: You take her at her word. You agree with her that no, that sounds awful. For her to bring it up again after that, in a way that suggests she wants to give it a try would require a major course reversal on her part, in the face of both of you having already expressed that this thing appalls you. It isn't going to happen.

And if she does try that -- which she isn't going to, but just for the sake of argument, if she does -- then you reiterate that that sort of thing is completely unacceptable to you. If -- again, for the sake of argument -- she actually is that sort of kinkster and you aren't, then the two of you should not be together.

But she isn't that sort of kinkster, unless you already believe that she is a liar.
21
Seriously dude, do the poor girl a favor and break up with her now. Then go find yourself some "good girl" with no sexual experience to date instead, and make sure you shut down any interest in anything beyond basic, "nice girl" vanilla sex. Then when her sex drive dries up in 10 years because of your prudish, misogynistic attitudes, you can write back to Dan to piss and moan about how you are stuck with a wife and 2 kids in a sexless marriage.
22
O)h, dear - *highly* ungenerous of LW. This is almost like those witch trials in which surviving drowning was seen as proof of witchcraft and resulted in burning. If they should not break up because it turns out that LW's cosmic vibration was correct, then they should break up because LW has cosmic vibrations that go so dangerously astray. Had I disliked LW less, I'd have said to allow a short but reasonable time to get over the cosmic vibration and then wither get over it or break up. But it hardly seems worth it.
23
LW: "I am really torn by my feelings towards her"

My bet? That's because you're halfway towards finding it hot imagining her having sex with other men, but you're still disgusted/afraid of those feelings.
24
Sure, cucking is almost always the guy's idea, but how many women develop a strong taste for it, or for poly in general, once they've allowed themselves to be badgered into it? (Hi EricaP.)

I think the wife is indeed testing his attitude towards poly/cuck/open/whatever, just as the LW suspects.
25
What @18 said was the very first thought that came to my mind. LW, YOU brought up the 3-some topic - she then told you she wasn't into it and had bad experiences in the past. Talk about hearing what you want to hear...
Now be a nice supportive bf and go apologize to her because I have no doubt she's noticed you've been acting weird and chances are you've already hurt her feelings. If you have no interest in cuckolding, for Pete's sake say so. She will be relieved.
26
I suspect she was testing you to see if you were a judgmental prick. Answer: yes. Bullet: dodged. Good luck to CIN's ex-girlfriend in finding a new partner who won't slut-shame her for being, by her account, GGG.
27
@18 ~ first thought here, too.

Dan ~ "She just got out from under a shitty husband who pressured into "cheating." The last thing she needs right now is a shitty boyfriend who shames her for "cheating." Snap. Yes.
28
@6. Donny calls it cold. Let me jump in a time machine and rewind 12 years and I *was* your girlfriend on the nose although I didn't do it to save my marriage and it was the last straw....

My ex pressured me beginning at least a year before our marriage to have sex with other men for his viewing pleasure. I didn't want to for a thousand reasons. Eventually in sixth year of our marriage I caved under the pressure and curiosity (at the time he was the only man i'd been with it). It changed into a swinging relationship.

And let me tell you I really enjoyed fucking men. (The saying "hoisted on one's own pertard" comes to mind).

What? Didn't you enjoy fucking women? All those past girlfriends?

There is a test here and you are failing... she has trusted you with a piece of her past and rather than showing her you are worthy of her trust, you are demonstrating you are threatened by her sexual history. Stop being insecure.

My husband passed this test with flying colors.... he said to me, "Oooh that means you like sex! Sweet! By the way, not cool with an open relationship."

Cool.

Question to the sloggers. I am a squirter and I hate it. My husband says, no totally cool. Are men squicked out by it. I always have been. But it's involuntary at a certain point.
29
DarkHorse @28: Going by the link I posted the other day comparing real sex and porn sex, if squirting features much more frequently in porn sex than real sex, that probably means men like it. And if it's irrefutable evidence that you're having a good time, why wouldn't they? You're not squicked out by ejaculations, I hope?
30
@DarkHorseRising Well, as a recent podcast shows, *some* men are even squicked out by their *own* come leaking out of their female partners (how unladylike!). But I think you should, as Dan usually says, take your husband's no for an answer.

As for the LW, wtf, do you really think that having any kind of sex under duress is fun?
31
DarkHorseRising: I squirt, too. I've never met a man who didn't like it. Many of the men I have sex with have never experienced it in real life before, but know it from porn or have heard about it. They seem especially to like it. Once they know it is something that is likely to happen, a lot of them seem to make it a goal to occur--it becomes some kind of victory or a barometer of having really done a good job of making me come. Maybe because of porn, I have found that most men, even the most fastidious in non-sexual situations, like sex really messy.
If you are a squirter, I hope you know about the fascinator throe by Liberator. This size covers most of a queen-sized bed, and there is a king-size version that would provide total coverage.
It's available through Amazon ($99 now), Target, etc. It's expensive, but worth every penny.
32
@darkhorse, nocute - I've never been with a squirter, but I'm sure it wouldn't bother me at all, aside from the inconvenience of washing sheets, etc. Hard to imagine any man would really be bothered by irrefutable proof that he succeeded in bringing his partner to orgasm! But I suppose some guys are finicky.
33
Hard to imagine any man would really be bothered by irrefutable proof that he succeeded in bringing his partner to orgasm!

I doubt the "irrefutable proof" part. Apparently squirting is popular in porn, and some sex workers advertise with it. I think it's more likely that porn actresses and sex workers have trained themselves to squirt without coming than that they orgasm all the time on the job.
34
@30. I married a fastidious guy with personal hygiene etc. He's never mentioned it. But I've always had a bit of a hang up about it. However he married me - and, well, there is no stopping it - but every once in a while, I start feeling the hang up.

@31. Always used towels. I will look for that. It's happened to me since I was a teenager. I think I was lucky - that stuff about women never exploring their bodies - yah, wasn't my problem. Maybe Mom knew it and that's why she tried to put the triple sex is bad/dangerous/you'll get pregnant whammy on me. My sister is close to asexual.

You all have mostly set my mind at rest. After a rather dead holiday season (too much stress; not enough sleep) everything has come back on line with a fury (doubled soccer and a few other things and that seems to have compounded it) which means its happening again.
35
And no, I am not squicked out by ejaculation.

@33. I suppose anything that can be faked will be faked, especially if guys do like it. For me, it is irrefutable proof of life, so to speak.
36
RE: Porn is not real life. I'm sure much in porn is faked, including the famous "money shot." When it happens to me, however, it is very real indeed.
Interestingly, it doesn't happen to me when I masturbate. I think it's because it requires G-spot stimulation or deep and rapid thrusting (of either fingers or a penis), and when I masturbate I focus only on my clit--it's too hard for me to coordinate everything else.

In any case, I like that it is reserved for partnered sex. I like having those "something extra" things.
37
@28 I've only squirted a handful of times in my life - always unexpectedly, and always to the delight of the partner (it has happened with I think three different partners).

While everything is subjective, I think being a squirter is generally considered a positive on the list of "things your girlfriend/wife does in bed". Obviously, there are going to be some guys out there who are grossed out by it (as there are some people who are grossed out by anything - hair, cum, sweat, menstrual blood, etc) but I think most guy's reaction is going to be, "Neat! I made her do that!"

So, please take your husband's response of "totally cool" and accept it!
38
RE squirting: yes, usually it's "Neat! I made her do that!" followed by delighting in the pheromones in the bedding for a week.

Sometimes however it's "Hey! I'm drowning down here."

And sometimes it's even, "My sheets smell like pee."

Pay attention to your partner's response and work with that. If they complain about something, make adjustments accordingly. But I've never had anyone complain about my squirting during intercourse: that's always been very, very cool.

I use washable absorbent waterproof bed pads from the pharmacy. They are designed for incontinent old people and work really really well. Much cheaper than the Fascinator Throw but also much less sexy-looking.
39
How deep in it are you dude?

I mean, you are a man.

You can literally just walk away from a dealbreaker.

Why spend all this time worrying about it. If she says that's what's up, you have a plan. It's very simple.
40
I think he's right that this was a test, but wrong about what kind of test it was. I suspect she was attempting to filter out cuckold fetishists, since she'd been burned on that before.

I further suspect she's spent some time wishing she'd thought to ask her ex that same question early on, so she might've avoided being pressured into that. But who knows? Maybe it was a "can you handle this" test, rather than a "let me know if you're one of those so I know to get out now" test.
It could easily be both.
41
@40: There's always the "this is a traumatic thing that happened" and anyone who responds poorly is just a shitty person.

Similarly

@28: Someone who can't handle basic body fluids and lacks the capacity to wash their own sheets or lay towels down isn't worth your time, hon!

42
@41: Well yes. Something about the detail, though, made me suspect this was a "see if you're into it" test (the same impression LW got), but I don't think he's right about the motives. I mean, there are two reasons why someone might run a "see if you're into it" test, and this sounds like the negative one. But yeah, it could be something else.

"Someone who can't handle basic body fluids and lacks the capacity to wash their own sheets or lay towels down isn't worth your time, hon!"

I agree completely!

...Which is probably why parenting is not for people like us.
43
@40: I don't know if she actually meant it as a test in the overt sense: "ah ha, lets see how he responds to this.....Nope, didn't give me the answer I want!" I'd like to think it was part of the back and forth that couples engage in to discover mutual compatibility. When I told my husband, I wasn't testing him out. I simply was sharing why my first marriage went kaput. It was only when my ex (who at the time was still engaging in stalkerish behavior) threatened to tell him my tawdry history because (I kid you not) "no good man would want to touch me with my sexual history," that it dawned on me that my new squeeze was, in fact, a keeper.

If LW reacts badly, jealously, or with insecurity to her statement, then she is getting a view on him and how he sees her. She has disavowed any interest in cuckolding and explained what a terrible experience it was to her. Yet, LW reading it as the exact opposite. Makes me think he's threatened by her sexual history (or turned on). She could draw the conclusion that he isn't good bf material.

And thank you all for the pats on the head. It's stupid to get hung up on it.

44
Dear lw, did you think she was a virgin? Exactly how many sex partners, and under what conditions, is a woman allowed to have before you consider her dirty and shameful? How many would you have to have to be considered that way? Not the same number, is it? Get over yourself, or get over this girl, your choice. But no more with the slit-shaming. It doesn't make her dirty, it makes you an asshole.
45
@43: " I don't know if she actually meant it as a test in the overt sense: "ah ha, lets see how he responds to this.....Nope, didn't give me the answer I want!" I'd like to think it was part of the back and forth that couples engage in to discover mutual compatibility."

I'm not saying there's a difference--there might not be--but something about it just struck me (and the LW) as artificial. A sort of "Oh shit, I should check to see if he's another one of those guys." It's just a suspicion, and I'm not entirely sure what caused it; something about the way he describes the conversation going down makes it sound just like the kind of litmus test that people who've had bad experiences tend to administer. Thinking, probably mistakenly, that you can "weed out the bad ones" by asking the right questions ahead of time. Happens.

@44: But what if it did make her dirty? That's a huge red flag; don't date people who don't bathe. Eeegh...
46
@avast2006 #16:
Hey dipshit, did it occur to you that maybe she thought YOU were testing HER?

That would, of course, require a level of self awareness not in evidence here.

@DarkHorseRising #28:
Question to the sloggers. I am a squirter and I hate it. My husband says, no totally cool. Are men squicked out by it. I always have been. But it's involuntary at a certain point.

Yes, men are squicked out by it. Men are also SUPER into it. Men are also indifferent about it. "Men" is not a group of people with uniform preferences.
47
Perhaps more usefully, what I definitely CAN say (as others note) is that there are men who are not squicked out by female ejaculation (including those who are really, really into it), so you should take your husband's claim that it's totally cool at face value.
48
Well, I'm going to disagree with pretty much everyone else and say that his reaction is perfectly reasonable.

Cuckold used to mean, and for a lot of people still does mean, a situation in which a female partner had sex with at least one man other than the male partner without the man having any control over the situation. The man might or might not know, the man might or might not consent, the key point was that it wasn't under the man's control.

Cuckolding, contrary to Dan's statement, is much, much more popular among women than among the cuckolded partners. It's just that nowadays we usually say "the woman cheated on her partner" instead of "the woman cuckolded her partner".

So what this woman told the LW (for people who, unlike the readers of Savage Love are not familiar with up-to-the-moment kink jargon) was "In my last relationship, I cheated on my now ex-husband. But I only did it as a last ditch attempt to save the marriage, because he insisted on it." That doesn't even make sense. I think it's perfectly reasonable to be worried by that - is she telling you that she's going to cheat on you, too, because of some bullshit rationalization, or is she just crazy? I also think it's perfectly reasonable to write Dan and ask "Here's what she told me. It makes no sense to me. Does it make any sense to you?"
49
So apparently a huge, HUGE number of people writing comments have never read Dan's column before and have never seen Dan advise someone to roll a kink out carefully, or heard about women who had a partner demand an open relationship only to discover that they (the woman) thoroughly enjoyed it. No one else has apparently read a letter about Slut Shaming and why many women are reluctant to roll out their kinks, and how it is common for both genders to try to test the water before jumping in. If CINOVA had read Dan's columns, he might have read those letters and wondered if this was one of those situations for testing the waters.

So with that in perspective, CINOVA, the best course of action is for you to take your wife at your word that she was badgered, did the cuckolding in an effort to save her previous relationship and discovered that if this was required to be in the relationship, she wanted OUT. IMO if she wanted to roll this out in a "would you like to try it" way she would have started slow, try to feel you out indirectly, spin the comment about a threesome into a "why, should I keep an eye out for potential thirds - kidding/not kidding?" rather than act like she was in a confessional, letting out something that has been gnawing away at her, also wanting to make it clear that future talk about bringing in other sexual partners would be triggering for her.

So now it comes back to you CINOVA. If you don't think you can accept what your wife said at face value, that it will gnaw away at you (like this part of her sexual history did to her) then do the right thing and break it off with her. Otherwise your insecurities will spill over and make her feel slut shamed and she OUGHT to leave you at that point.
50
I'm going to add that the traditional meaning of "pimping" is for a man to successfully pressure a woman into having sex with other men for the dominating man's financial benefit.

Since the ex-husband was the one with control over the ex-wife having sex with other men, it seems much more accurate to me to refer to the woman's ex-situation as her ex-husband pimping her (albeit for his erotic benefit instead of his financial benefit) rather than as her cuckolding her ex-husband. (I can understand why the ex-husband, and other "cuckold" enthusiasts, would rather frame it the way they do, of course.)

This is important because while the meanings of the words may have changed, their connotations have not.

I would suggest to the LW that he imagine that his new girlfriend had told him "in my last relationship, my now ex-husband pimped me, and I went along with it because I wanted to save the marriage" and see if he still feels the same way.
51
What Dan Said. Mostly. And the vast majority of the commenters. But I wouldn't be as harsh on the LW as some here. He didn't expressed discomfort with his partner having sexual past. He expressed his discomfort with her participation in a specific kink, one with a huge mindfuck and squickout potential. Sexual insecurity amounting to "I don't want to be cheated on" is natural.

And as the whole cuckold thing hinges on the fantasy of the wife enjoying the act, it IS hard to understand or believe that she might have not.

But, LW, tread very carefuly here. To me, and I might be vastly speculating but what else are we here for, this sounds like a very vulnerable disclosure. A test of "I hope you're not into this" as much as "can you handle it" kind.

Sharing something like that ("he badgered her"; "he picked the guys") is NOT like saying "I was a reluctant swinger". It's NOT like saying "I was in an open relationship but I'd rather be monogamous". It's NOT even like saying "I cheated". To me it's more like saying "I was abused, violated, mindfucked and manipulated" (cf "badgered"; "picked the guys"; "divorced").

At a risk of speculation, I'd suspect that the pressure towards cuckolding was a factor in that divorce. Maybe even the major factor.

I'd suspect that she didn't - just maybe - express all her feelings about that. I'd suspect that even if she didn't exactly hate the actual fucking of the other guys, she didn't enjoy the whole thing at all.

Having said all that... not being into cuckolding doesn't necessarily mean she wouldn't be into consensual non - monogamy of other types. But if LW has any inklings that way, I wouldn't bring up this subject without making it absolutely clear that he empathises with and doesn't judge her for her past. Being pimped out in order to save a dying relationship is a pretty shitty thing to have to go through.
52
@50 OldCrow - I was typing my response as you were posting yours. Entirely agree with the pimping angle.
53
And ugh, Donny @6 I really wish there was less of this assuming that dominant woman = cuckoldress, automatically. I really hope you are sarcastic (yup, sore point here).
54
Bizarre.

Well my ex pressured me and pressured me for over seven years to sleep with other men for his viewing pleasure. Does it have to fit into a magic name box? I don't think he pimped me out (thanks, that's an awesomely cruel analogy).
55
Looks like you won't be able to be with this lady because of your own issues. Now you know.

And knowing's half the battle.

(The other half is shooting people.)
56
@48: She saw it as "cheating", which is why she didn't want to perform those acts.

You're creating a fantasy scenario that didn't occur, which would explain why you disagree with everyone who posted before you and are confused why we would post the way we have.

https://vimeo.com/72381722
57
Re: squirting. I am not not ever have been a squirter, but at one point I had a different undeniable and obvious proof of orgasm. This is when I was breastfeeding. An orgasm would produce a strong letdown reflex and I'd get myself and my partner as wet as any squirt would. During my periods of lactation I only ever slept with one man so I can't generalize about men's feelings on the subject. Seems to me that the proof was enjoyed, even if the bath wasn't, quite so much. From what I can tell, "lactating" is a much smaller category of porn than "squirt" is, so I assume that more guys are excited by "south" squirting than by "north" squirting.
58
@48: https://vimeo.com/72381722

She said she "cheated" on him because it was an act she felt uncomfortable with and didn't want to perform.

This guy was perfectly comfortable "observing" his fantasy of a MFF threesome, his issue is with play with other males.
59
Whoops, nice that the previous post didn't display the first time after multiple refreshes.
60
If I had to guess, it sounds to me like like LW brought up the idea of FMF threesomes ("It was just an observation") and girlfriend reciprocated by sharing that she had participated in threesomes but of a different variety. It doesn't sound like a test to me at all. It sounds like the topic of threesomes came up and the girlfriend felt free to share her experience and even mentioned the cuckold type of threesome is *not* something she particularly enjoyed.

I once had a partner who seductively asked me if I'd even participated in a threesome and was then infuriated when he got the answer he hoped for but with the wrong gender combo.
61
@60: "I once had a partner who seductively asked me if I'd even participated in a threesome and was then infuriated when he got the answer he hoped for but with the wrong gender combo."

Yup, this fragile flower is also angry that his angling for a threesome got shot down. "I WAS ONLY MAKING AN OBSERVATION" sounds like something a dumb, mopey teenager would say.
62
Yes, MsCM@53, plenty of sarcasm.
63
@60.

I bet.

You know, its entirely possible to enjoy fucking men but not enjoy being pressured into doing it. I love fucking men. Lots of them. And women. Its a miracle I am monogamous in some ways.

But I didn't enjoy being pressured into doing it.

64
"Chasing Amy" anyone?
65
The way it sounded to me is that LW brought up the subject of multiple partner sex, and his girlfriend's reaction to that was, "Oh, shit, not another one..." So she told him, "Uh, no. Been there, done that -- no actually, not 'done that,' more like 'forced into that' -- hated it."

He wants her to have hated it.* She told him she hated it. What she told him is in line with his own desires. He needs to stop second guessing her.

*(Or at least to not be into it, so that he won't have to deal with it in the future. Which is not the same thing as hoping that what happened to her amounted to rape/abuse. I think Dan was a little harsh on that point. If she said she hated it, it is not incumbent on him to secretly hope she actually enjoyed it so as to somehow retroactively make it all better. There are potential mindfucks for her in his even attempting that road. If she hated it, then damn it, let her hate it.)
66
@63 DarkHorse "it's perfectly possible to enjoy fucking men but not being pressurised into doing it" - THIS.

As to the wording... I have no idea in what guise LW's ex applied the pressure. LW used the term cuckold, I'm assuming in the current kink sense.

This suggests that her discomfort and hurt doesn't come from "cheating" or even engaging in non-monogamy but from having her wishes and preferences disregarded for the guy's pleasure while at the same time (possibly) being told that that's what she must really want. But even without the latter mindfuck, "he picked the guys" -- ugh.

67
Old Crow @48: Now it's you who's using the 13th-century definition of "cuckolding" as a synonym for "cheating." LW's wife was not "cheating," she was indulging his cuckold fetish. HE picked the men, HE coerced her into doing it, HE was watching. She wasn't running around with other men behind her husband's back. That sort of activity would require the free will her husband didn't permit her to exercise. "Cheating" is something people do because they themselves want to, and DON'T tell their spouses, let alone bring them into the situation. If LW had been this confused, Dan would have pointed him to the myriad definitions of "cuckold fetish" available. Read more Savage Love.

Unknown @49: Um... how is what you've said different from what the majority of other posters have said?
68
Futurecat @60: "I once had a partner who seductively asked me if I'd even participated in a threesome and was then infuriated when he got the answer he hoped for but with the wrong gender combo."
Yup, I've had a similar experience when men have asked if I like anal sex. ;)
69
@67: "Unknown @49: Um... how is what you've said different from what the majority of other posters have said?"

They think her response about being pestered and cajoled into acts she wasn't happy to perform was a clever ruse and are unhappy that the rest of us weren't giving her better advice (when she wasn't the LW) or being more sympathetic to the LW for his being shocked (at the kink, not the emotional abuse from the ex.)

I guess we are still indeed all wrong. Considering what some people think is right action, I'm happy to be wrong.
70
@68 BiDanFan - I would love to have heard those conversations!

I'm picturing LW dating the hopefully-soon-to-be-ex of Adult Baby from a recent column here. "She says she breastfed her husband because he wanted it but she wasn't really into it. Now I'm afraid she's going to want to diaper me!"
71
Ayn @69: Ah, I see. Reverse psychology. Never worked very well on me.
72
Ms Future - You would not be the only one waiting hopefully to see that.
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@73: Wow, that's some bone-dry sarcasm.
75
@71: Falling flat on his own manipulative trickery, he assumes she is as well.