Fear not, my child. He may pull off a delegate sweep, but have you seen his numbers in the general?
"Fear not, my child. He may pull off a delegate sweep, but have you seen his numbers in the general?" neneo / Shutterstock.com

Donald Trump has declared some sort of beef with the Pope in what seems like a fever dream but is an actual thing that is happening and involves real grown-ups in reality.

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The dispute stems from that insane plan of Donald's to build a giant wall along the border with Mexico, which Donald assures us is a brilliant plan, fantastic, the best idea in the world.

The Pope, who is sometimes very cool when he is not attacking queers, doesn't care for Donald's plan. "A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian," he said. (For someone who hates gays, he's pretty good at shade.) Also I'm going out on a limb here but I'm guessing that the Pope was never really going to be a big fan of a casino magnate.

Trump has now added the Pope to the list of officials he has insulted and quasi-threatened. "Disgraceful," Trump says of the religious leader of millions of people. He pointed out that the Pope just spent a week in Mexico, where the President fed him all kinds of terrible lies about Trump. Yeah, right, okay, I'm sure Trump was on the top of the agenda for those meetings.

His campaign put out a statement — maybe written by Trump himself, maybe written by a comedian who is really good at doing an impression — that said, in part, "If and when the Vatican is attacked by ISIS, which as everyone knows is ISIS's ultimate trophy, I can promise you that the Pope would have only wished and prayed that Donald Trump would have been president."

Yes thank you Mr. Trump for helping the Pope figure out what he should be praying for, he's probably very grateful for your assistance with that.

Donald's been criticizing Popes dating back to at least the Papatine regime, when Scary Pope Benedict resigned in 2013:


But Francis really seems to have enraged him, probably because of a speech last September in which he told bishops, "Do not be afraid to welcome (immigrants)… I am certain that, as so often in the past, these people will enrich America and its church."

"I respect the Pope and I like the Pope very much," Trump said at the time. But, he added, "You know that ISIS wants to go in and take over the Vatican? You have heard that. You know, that’s a dream of theirs, to go into Italy."

And that's why we need a wall on our border with Mexico? To protect Rome? Okie dokie.

It is, in fact, true that ISIS has taken aim at the Vatican (at least, that's according to Vatican officials) but there have been no concrete threats, and it's kind of ISIS's thing to threaten everyone. And even if there was a specific attempt to attack the Vatican, I'm still struggling to understand how President Donald would be of help.

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After Trump dismissed the Pope for being too political, Francis essentially turned the other cheek.

"Thank God he said I was a politician because Aristotle defined the human person as 'animal politicus.' So at least I am a human person," he said. "As to whether I am a pawn, well, maybe, I don't know. I'll leave that up to your judgment and that of the people."

Oh, Francis. There you go again, assuming the people have any capacity for judgment. Bless your heart.

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