The Fun Is Over in Russia: A small army of workers has been dispatched to Russia's Ural Mountains to begin cleanup after Friday's meteor strike. The crew, numbering in the thousands, is facing shattered windows, metorite fragments, and an undoubtably large supply of broken vodka bottles.
Clean Energy!: Just kidding! A vintage World War II storage tank at Washington's Hanford nuclear power plant is leaking 150 to 300 gallons of radioactive waste per year.
After a Long and Dysfunctional Relationship, America Struggles to Get Its Stuff Back from Afghanistan: $28 billion worth of stuff.
The Naked Truth: Police are vexed by a string of "crimes" at Seattle's Green Lake Park. The incidents, which range from the alleged assault of an autistic teenager to suspected suicide attempts, only have one thing in common: The suspects were completely naked.
Herman Cain Joins Fox News: 9-9-9!
For the Love of Michael: Illinois representative Jesse L. Jackson allegedly spent $750,000 of his campaign funds on celebrity memorabilia. If convicted, it's not yet clear what will become of Congressmen Jackson's $4,600 fedora, which was once worn by the late Michael Jackson.
If You Masturbate, You'll End Up Robbing Banks: At least you will if you're the alleged Handsy Bandit.
State Senators to Enjoy Annual Crab Feed: But first, they are launching a “Rodney Tom Retirement Project" aimed at "showing the door" to Washington State senator Rodney Tom and replacing him with a real Democrat. The ambitious project is reaching out to all 48th District democrats and asking for $5 donations.