33 Fainting Spells
(DANCE THEATER) Having spent the past year or so conquering the national dance world (even getting a fancypants write-up in The New Yorker -- ooh la la!), local heroes 33 Fainting Spells return to their home base, On the Boards, for a one-weekend remount of their 1997 trio Sorrow's Sister. Originally commissioned by New City Theater, Sorrow's Sister is a dense, surreal, and wordless exploration of three women bonded by wartime strife. It's gorgeous, and you should catch it while you can: Soon the troupe will be off to NYC to present the piece at New York's preeminent dance venue, the Joyce Theater. -- DAVID SCHMADER
On the Boards, 100 West Roy Street, 217-9888, 8 pm, $15 (also plays Friday and Saturday at 8).
If Ornaments Had Lips
(THEATER) Lauren Weedman has built a sterling reputation as a wickedly funny writer and performer, and On the Boards has been kind enough to remount the divine Miss W's seasonal solo show, If Ornaments Had Lips. Diving straight into the psychotic heart of the holidays, Weedman comes back up with a dark and hilarious collection of stories exploring "Interpersonal Christmas Hell." Directed by One World Theatre's Shawn Belyea, and featuring sound and music by James Palmer, this is the holiday show for all of those who'd put their eyes out before watching another production of A Christmas Carol. -- DAVID SCHMADER
On the Boards, Studio Theater, 100 West Roy Street, 217-9888, 9 pm, through Dec 19, $10-$12.
Seattle Cycle World International Motorcycle Show
(KICK-ASS MAYHEM) Anyone who's seen Easy Rider or an episode of Happy Days or even Full House recognizes that motorcycles possess an aura of serious ass-kicking force. Sadly, this event may not generate the ass-kicking force expected from a bike show, primarily because it will also feature "personal watercraft" and other sissy contraptions with considerably less ass-kickocity. That aside, there still promises to be plenty of prizes, giveaways, and shiny products, as well as cooking demonstrations with Biker Billy and a kick-ass free coat and helmet check. -- JASON PAGANO
Stadium Exhibition Center, Halls A & B, 1000 Occidental Avenue S, Fri Dec 3 (5-10 pm), Sat Dec 4 (10 am-9 pm), Sun Dec 5 (10 am-5 pm), adults $8, children 6-11 $4, children under 6, free.
The Holiday Survival Game Show '99
(THEATER) As a friend of mine recently and very wisely pronounced, The Holiday Survival Game Show is like blowfish: Done well, it's a delicious treat you will rave about for days. Done poorly, it's deadly. After putting this admittedly tired beast out to pasture for a few years, a noble and very talented collection of entertainers (including Jennifer Jasper, Peggy Platt, Lisa Koch, and Jeff Resta) are resurrecting the queer Yuletide classic, gussying the sucker up with singing and dancing choreographed by Sandra Singler and new sketch comedy, along with the fabulous real-life game show. You pays your money, you takes your chances. -- DAVID SCHMADER
Broadway Performance Hall, 1625 Broadway, on the campus of SCCC, 709-7994, 8 pm, $17-$19.99. Through Dec 26.
Whores on the Hill
(LIVE MUSIC) Providing a much-needed fix of glamorous trash to Capitol Hill, famed local drag performers Ursula Android and Jackie Hell host this evening of "high drama, low art," sinking to new levels of filth in the name of entertainment. The lineup includes the "agro Ono-ism" of Ursula's live band, local punks Speedball Racer, the lesbionic delights of the Pussy Galore Dancers, and a record-release party for the gregarious gals of Megababe. -- MELODY MOSS
Breakroom, 1325 E Madison, 860-5155, 10 pm, $6.
Max Ophuls''Liebelei'
(FILM) There's no better time than now -- beads of rain, sharp air, all that gray light -- to discover the moody elegance, romance, and intoxicating skill of German filmmaker Max Ophuls (1902-1957). The Grand Illusion's matinee series pays tribute to Ophuls' complex tales told with stylish, fluid shots, sensuous technique, and fancy CinemaScope footwork. The series starts off with Leibelei (1933), which looks at the predicament of a young Austrian officer caught having an affair, and continues with Ophuls classics, including Lola Montes and The Earrings of Madame De. Now's your chance to catch these rare European films, all in ravishing 35mm. Oh, the passion of it all.... -- MIN LIAO
Sat-Sun Dec 4-5 at noon, Grand Illusion, 1403 NE 50th St, 523-3935, $7.50.
Canada
(TRAVEL) Get the hell out of town! With a spectacular exchange rate ($1 Canadian=68¢ U.S.), our northern neighbors offer Americans a shopper's paradise. Or, forget about the holidays altogether and indulge in self-indulgent hedonism, like dirt-cheap luxury hotel rooms, drinking binges, gluttonous meals, and everybody's favorite -- Canadian codeine (yes, Virginia, you have to ask for it). In your stupor, enjoy a little Canuck TV: history documentaries on Canada's stunning victories in the War of 1812, or the nail-biting excitement of World-Championship Logging. -- MELODY MOSS
Call any travel agent for details.
'Snow Falling on Cedars' Premiere
(FILM/BENEFIT) Sometimes books just shouldn't be made into movies -- but David Guterson's bestseller Snow Falling on Cedars isn't one of those books. In fact, it seemed ripe for film from the beginning, and this chance to get a sneak peek at locally filmed scenes starring the luscious Ethan Hawke might be kinda fun. Tickets are pricey -- suggested donations start at $25 -- but the money goes to benefit the University of Washington Creative Writing Program, where tiny little David Gutersons are being pumped out as we speak. -- TRACI VOGEL
Cinerama Theater, 2100 Fourth Ave at Lenora, 543-2690, 7:15 pm, $25 donation.
Built to Spill
(LIVE MUSIC) Doug Martsch has always had the voice, the Stratocaster, and the songs, but he never had the steady band. In fact, the Idaho alt rocker used to drop supporting musicians from Built to Spill quicker than you can say "Klan activity." But that's all changed, as drummer Scott Plouf and bassist Bret Nelson are here to stay. Their February release of Keep It Like a Secret was a success, and the comparisons to R.E.M., Lou Reed, and other world-renowned rockers keep coming. Soak up this new level of commitment at the Showbox, as Built to Spill threatens to go global on your ass. -- NATHAN THORNBURGH
Showbox, 1426 First Ave, 628-3151, 9 pm, $10.
The Now
(LIVE MUSIC) I'm a sucker for a drummer who hits hard, but I'm a double sucker for a hard hitting show-off drummer. The Now's Jon is the latter. He's a spaz behind the skins, making monkey faces at the audience and his bandmates, twirling sticks, and generally behaving like the kind of charming spectacle which elevates "that Brit-poppy opening band" to something memorable and addictive. Bassist Pete and guitarist Todd provide the trampoline for Jon's bizarro moves, and their set is sure to be a circus. It's only their second show, so jump on the merry-go-round now. -- ERIN FRANZMAN
The Crocodile, 2200 Second Ave, 441-5611, 9:30 pm, $6.
Hunks in Paradise
(VIDEO/LASERDISC) As our suicidally bleak winters descend upon us, do you find yourself dreaming of sun-kissed bodies frolicking in a tropical heaven? Go no further than a specialty video store and rent The Bounty, the 1984 film of the famous 18th-century mutiny. Sure, the story is depressing as hell, but with young and juicy versions of Mel Gibson, Daniel Day-Lewis, and Liam Neeson; a topless bounty of Polynesian women; a location on the Tahitian island of Moorea; and a haunting Vangelis soundtrack, it's easy to get lost in the sheer comeliness of the film. -- MELODY MOSS
Scarecrow Video, 5030 Roosevelt Way NE, 524-8554, $3.50 for three days, plus deposit.
