TWO QUESTIONS: WHAT IS UP WITH OLD people, and what makes them suddenly go all screwy? Of course, not all old people are "loco in the cabeza," but enough of them have prunes stewing in their brains to make this a pressing concern to those of us who don't have stacks of newspapers dating back to 1937 piled in our apartments, or prattle on about how things were better back in the days of polio. Case in point: In a recent full-page newspaper advertisement, geriatric comedian Steve Allen writes the following plea to concerned parents everywhere (grammatical errors and weird-ass syntax are left intact for your amusement).


"Are you as disgusted as I am at the filth, vulgarity, sex and violence TV is sending into our homes? Are you fed up with steamy unmarried sex situations, filthy jokes, perversion, vulgarity [You're repeating yourself, Grampy!--Hump] foul language, violence, killings etc.? Are you as outraged as I am at how TV is undermining the morals of children... encouraging them to have pre-marital sex... encouraging lack of respect for authority and crime... [Lack of respect for crime? Somebody forgot to take their meds today!] and shaping our country down to the lowest standards of decency? Well now you and I can end it. Yes we can, actually and literally. [Huh?]

"I'm asking every person who agrees with this ad-- virtually EVERYONE we speak to DOES-- [Oooh, geriatric peer pressure!] to send in an Appeal to Network Sponsors. Every month we at Parents Television Council [The people pulling Steve Allen's strings!] will notify the sponsors, and they'll KNOW that we, their customers, are angry and we want to stop sponsoring sex, filth, violence and sleaze [Here we go again...] and instead put their ad dollars in the kinds of decent, family-safe programs that are getting huge ratings...."

Blah... blah... blah.... OKAY! Let's stop now before he begins flashing back to World War I. Since Steve Allen doesn't have enough marbles left to remember the oatmeal he ate this morning, we're going to assume this was entirely orchestrated by the aforementioned Parents Television Council. Unsurprisingly, the PTC is an ultra-conservative group linked with the Media Research Center-- the same guys who provide all those "global warming is a hoax" statistics to Rush Limbaugh, as well as raising money to buy hydraulic fluid for Pat Buchanan's penile implant.

But what's really creepy about this group is their "celebrity advisory board" filled with famous people who inexplicably hate smut! This includes Pat Boone (surprise!), Shirley "The Partridge Family" Jones (that rock 'n' roll hypocrite!), my arch-nemesis Michael "Ate an apple during Starship Troopers" Medved, Jane Seymour (star of Dr. Quinn, Frontier Proctologist) and perhaps most shockingly, BILLY BARTY. He used to play Sigmund in Sigmund and the Seamonsters, for crap's sake! And now he's a goddam right-wing TRAITOR?!?

Anyway, who are these people (especially Billy Barty!) to judge what type of smut is good for me, and what ain't? These ads are obviously an attempt to gyp good, hard-working smut enthusiasts (like us!) out of our money, in order to fund assholes like Dan Quayle running for President! Besides, if these guys want to eradicate violence, "coarse" language, and sex between consenting minors, why go after TV and not the REAL offender--literature! The only time I ever committed an act of copycat violence was after I read Alexander Dumas' The Three Musketeers, and ran a car antenna up my brother's ass! Besides, the same people begging us to keep violence out of our children's bedrooms are the ones who support bombing the shit out of Kosovo, so who are you gonna trust? Some old fogies dribbling spittle down their bibs, or I Love Television™, the home of filthy jokes, perversion, vulgarity, and (my personal favorite) steamy unmarried sex situations? I REST MY CASE!!