ONCE AGAIN TV GUIDE HAS FAWKED ME with my snowsuit on! Every year I attempt to get a writing gig at TV Guide, and every year they respond by shoving my face in a big bucket of diaper gravy. OH! And speaking of diaper gravy, I also tried to steal that guy's job who writes the Reader's Digest column "Toward More Picturesque Speech," but was told there was "no room in our organization for a salacious Rabelaisian." What the fawk are they talking about? I didn't even apply for that position!! Anyway, those assholes at TV Guide know I write better than them, and have once again turned down a column idea that I like to call "Beers & Rears." See, it's a lot like their column "Cheers & Jeers" except that... well, okay, it's exactly like "Cheers & Jeers" except it's called "Beers & Rears." But "Beers & Rears" is a MUCH better name than "Cheers & Jeers," and I am a MUCH better writer than any of those milky lickers at TV Guide (or Reader's Digest, for that matter)!! See for YOURSELF!

BEERS & REARS

The Greatest Column in the World

BEERS! to Xena: Warrior Princess Lucy Lawless for re-releasing the soft-porn films she starred in before hitting it big! The first of these films, which will be released in May, is entitled Peach, a "steamy lesbian fantasy exploring woman-to-woman relationships." (Right on! I hate it when lesbian fantasies explore man-to-man relationships!) Lawless plays a "sexy tow-truck driver" who seduces a young Maori woman. (Right on! I'm so sick of ugly non-lesbian tow-truck drivers!) The second flick is called A Bitter Song, a title which sounds suspiciously low on lesbian content. In this one, a young woman is recuperating from a severe illness, and forms a close bond with Lucy Lawless as... her nurse? Sounds like a "woman-to-woman relationship" to me! Helloooooo, Nurse!

REARS! to the return of Alf. You probably remember Alf as the '80s sitcom featuring that furry alien who liked eating cats. At least that's all I can remember about it, other than that it bugged the shit out of me. Now he's returning to co-star in the season finale of the only show on television worse than Alf--Love Boat: the Next Wave. Alf will appear Friday April 30 at 9 pm on channel 11, for those who care. As for me, I will be busy watching Lucy Lawless pornos. Speaking of which...

BEERS! to Lucy Lawless, who has announced she is pregnant! Though getting knocked up by her husband could possibly endanger her reputation as a lesbian, we here at Beers & Rears won't put up a fuss as long as Xena hides her pregnancy by taking more bubble baths with her sidekick, Gabrielle. OH! And speaking of which...

REARS! to Hindus who hate it when Xena and Gabrielle take bubble baths together! Members of the World Vaishnava Association have forced the producers of Xena: Warrior Princess to pull an episode (entitled "The Way") off the air, and even asked station affiliates to burn all the copies. Seems some Hindus were offended by the way Krishna (a Hindu deity) was portrayed in the episode, and would prefer it if Krishna didn't appear in a show that occasionally depicts women hopping into bubble baths together. Well, (A) in this episode, the girls didn't hop into a bubble bath, and (B) I'm sure they wouldn't have invited Krishna in with them if they had! Looks like some religious leaders (and not just Christians) need to pull the sticks out of their... OH! And speaking of removing things...

BEERS! to ex-Baywatch and current V.I.P. star Pamela Anderson for having her implants removed. Finally, Pammy realizes that we love her for her immense acting ability, whether or not she has a full head of hair, and... waitasecond... she's taking out her breast implants?? Is she fawking bonkers? REARS! to you, Pamela!! REARS!!!!