HEY! GUESS WHAT!? I JUST STOLE A great freaking idea! I know, I know... I steal great ideas all the time. But, this is really, really, RE-E-E-E-E-EALLY a great idea, and I'm extra proud that I was clever enough to steal it! Okay. So, you've heard of David Kelley, right? No, nooooo... you're thinking of David Caruso. David Kelley is the über-producer known for such hits as The Practice and Ally McBeal (he's also the dumbass behind Chicago Hope and Picket Fences, which I'm sure he'd like us all to forget).

Anyhoo, David Kelley has come up with this new idea for the fall season called "re-purposing," in which a show is repackaged in order for the networks to get more bang for their entertainment buck. For example, this fall, you'll not only be able to get really annoyed by Ally McBeal on Monday nights for an hour, but you'll also be able to get half as annoyed on Tuesdays with a streamlined half-hour version called Ally!

Confusing? You bet your bouncy bongos it is! But here's the straight poop: The way David Kelley figures it, there's all this leftover footage from the regular Ally McBeal that we haven't seen, right? So why not edit all the drama out of this hour-long "dra-medy," stick in the leftovers that we haven't seen, and turn it into a half-hour "co-medy"?

The upside is that the people who hate Ally McBeal because of the tediously long shots of her moping down the street or the atrocious singing of Vonda Shepherd can skip all that shit and watch Ally on Tuesday night. Or, conversely, the people who hate the repetitive lame-ass jokes like Cage and his automatic toilet-bowl flusher, bathroom stall gymnastics, and Barry White impersonations will still have to put up with it on Mondays--but at least the whole freaking show won't be based around it.

However! Let's face facts, shall we? David Kelley doesn't really give a flying handshake how you choose to view it, because it's all about making money for him and the networks. Instead of actually using his bulging noggin to dream up a brand-new show from scratch, Kelley can use characters the audience is already familiar with to "extend his brand," so to speak, and virtually guarantee decent ratings. He gets paid for doing a new show, and the networks save money by not having to pay for production. Everybody wins! (Except, of course, if you're an audience member wanting something good to watch on Tuesdays at 8:00.)

Of course, David Kelley isn't the only sneaky Pete using this idea at the networks! NBC has picked up a repackaged version of Law & Order from the USA Studios called Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. This show stars many of the same boring actors as the regular boring Law & Order. The main difference is that the same boring actors will be able to get into even more boring situations than before! And, again, NBC saves a buttload of money by buying both shows as a package, and agreeing to let the USA network show Special Victims Unit the very next week--and for those not keeping count, that's once, twice, THREE times the boredom!

But wait! There's more! According to FOX Entertainment President Werner "The Goose-Stepping Aryan Rat Kraut" Herzog, this "re-purposing" trend promises to be the wave of the future. "As we move into the digital age, you'll have several opportunities to see Ally McBeal across the digital platform," he said. (Sighhhh. It's like a beautiful DREAM!!)

Anyway, here's my point: This is such a great idea, that I've decided to "re-purpose" my television column! Instead of writing a new column every week (which severely cuts into my sneaking-out-of-work-to-snort-cocaine time), I'm simply going to reprint my old columns, taking out every mention of television, and leaving in all the jokes about my ass. (Waitasecond. Maybe I'll leave in the television, and take out the ass stuff. That way it can be even shorter!)