MONDAY, JUNE 7
Last month, 10 Seattle Police Department officers were fingered in a felony theft-and-cover-up scandal that threatened to make a mockery of Seattle's finest. Today, Police Chief Norm Stamper came before the Seattle City Council to report on steps being taken to clean up his soiled Internal Investigations unit, and quell fears about the integrity of the SPD. Unfortunately, Stamper failed. The Seattle P-I reports that Stamper's presentation — an evasive recitation about "mission, vision, and core values" and "areas of opportunity" — was met with open mockery from the City Council. Councilwoman Tina Podlodowski was kind enough to dismiss Stamper as merely "underwhelming," while Councilman Richard McIver came out swinging, testily interrupting Stamper mid-speech and denouncing the Chief's presentation as "totally inadequate." The pissed-off council has instructed Stamper to return with better answers regarding the stupid state of his department on June 16.
· · Also today: Despite the objections of three Councilmembers (all male), the King County Council approved new adult entertainment zoning laws that could allow sexy strip clubs to open in two King County neighborhoods. Prospective locales: The Fairwood Square Shopping Center, 140th Ave SE, and Boulevard Park, west of Tukwila. "It defies common sense to allow these businesses in a neighborhood shopping center," said Councilmember Rob McKenna. McKenna is now working to obtain assurances from commercial land owners that they will never lease space to strip clubs. Good luck, sucker.

TUESDAY, JUNE 8
Today: shady dealings in the Central District. Early this evening, a man was pedaling his bicycle through the intersection of 26th Ave & Union when he heard someone calling out, "Excuse me! Excuse me!" The man stopped his bike and turned to see a woman in a flowery dress and red sunglasses standing by a blooming flower bush. "See that guy in the red shirt?" the lady asked the bikeman, pointing to a guy standing next to a car a half-block away. "I'll give you $20 if you give him these papers." The woman held up a sheaf of stapled pages, and before the bikeman could ask what the papers were (court summons? movie script? letter bomb?), the guy down the street started getting into his car — and our enterprising impromptu bike messenger was pressed into immediate service. The bikeman bravely rode toward the idling car (which contained both the guy in question and a friend), but couldn't bring himself to force the papers on the two guys. "I didn't think it was worth risking a bullet in the face for 20 bucks," says our wise bikeman, who returned the papers to the woman and politely apologized for being a chicken. Turns out the papers were for a child custody case, the woman was trying to regain custody of her granddaughter, and the guy in question was an abusive asshole. Smart move, Mr. Bikeman.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 9
Today, more shady dealings — this time at Seattle Central Community College. At around 4 pm this afternoon, a young woman was strolling down Broadway, happily eating an ice cream cone (purchased for 50" at Dick's). When she passed the northernmost entrance to SCCC, her attention was caught by a man standing in a half-darkened doorway, rattling a chain. Then she noticed the real attraction: the man's penis, on full display and being swung around in the classic "hey-big-spender" fashion. Shocked and disgusted, the woman stormed away before realizing that this was her chance to stand up for decency. But when she returned to confront the man, she found he had already retreated into the SCCC building. "I was really annoyed at losing my opportunity to scream at this loser," said the woman. "Plus I had to throw away my ice cream cone, because I was so grossed out."
· · Also today: At long last, tonight Last Days was finally exposed to the big pile of wonderfulness that is the Fastbacks, the Northwest's (and perhaps the nation's) preeminent punk band. Sharing an all-star bill at the Crocodile with sensitive folkie Rusty Willoughby and charming dorks the Chris & Tad Show, the Fastbacks were everything we want in a rock band and more. And yes, we understand that proclaiming the Fastbacks to be great is about as revelatory as proclaiming pizza to be delicious, but still, greatness must be celebrated, wherever it is found, and we're happy to have something nice to say about somebody.

THURSDAY, JUNE 10
Today, after 10 stupid years of debate, justice was served as the Internal Revenue Service denied tax exempt status to the Christian Coalition. The Coalition has operated as a tax-free 501(c)(4) social welfare organization since its formation by Pat Robertson in 1990; today the IRS confirmed what anyone with half a brain already knew: The Christian Coalition is not a religious organization, but a hardball political machine that has as much to do with social welfare as Hooters does. Congrats to the IRS for their ridiculously overdue ruling.

FRIDAY, JUNE 11
Happy Graduation! Today students were liberated from lives of academic drudgery and binge drinking into lives of uncertainty and soul-crushing debt in a series of graduation ceremonies across the state. One such ceremony took place at the University of Washington, where a slew of graduate students participated in the intriguingly named hooding ceremony (is that the opposite of a bris?). Begun in the Middle Ages, hooding ceremonies were adopted by American universities as a way of welcoming grad students (and only grad students) into the rarified world of academia by having an esteemed academic put a hood on their heads. Last Days contacted a recently hooded individual to see what all the hubbub was about, and was informed that while the hooding ceremony itself was interesting enough, the attending speeches — "the student body president licked the director's ass for, like, 20 minutes" — were enough to make him wish he'd stayed home to watch Kids Say the Darnedest Things. Still, our hooded hero made up for his ceremonial boredom by going out with a bunch of other new hoodees and getting shit-faced drunk.
· · Meanwhile, down in the glamorous Pike/Pine corridor, another sort of graduation ceremony was taking place at the illustrious sandwich shop Subway, where esteemed employee/sandwich artist Dylan was taking his final bow after seven months of faithful service. His favorite memories of Subway employment: "working with regular customers in an established neighborhood." Worst memories: "Getting Coke thrown in my face by psychotic freaks." Dylan now heads off to a wonderful new life of vegetarianism, and will work in the hospitality industry in Montana's Glacier National Park.

SATURDAY, JUNE 12
And still more graduation news: Yesterday's Evergreen State College graduation ceremony featured the hotly contested airing of a tape-recorded speech by convicted cop killer/controversial death-row inmate Mumia Abu-Jamal, and today the Seattle P-I reported the aftershocks of the controversial decision. More than a dozen Evergreen seniors walked out of the ceremony in protest of Mumia's speech, while nearly a dozen more stood and symbolically turned their backs to the podium and bowed their heads in protest. However, the majority of the graduating class greeted Mumia's speech with cheers, whoops, and a standing ovation. (The introduction of the widow of Mumia's victim, however, was greeted with only polite applause.)

SUNDAY, JUNE 13
Nothing good happened today, so here's a fascinating tidbit left over from yesterday: On Saturday morning, in a bathroom in the Vatican embassy in Warsaw, the 79-year-old and chronically klutzy Pope John Paul fell down, bumping his old Catholic head and requiring three stitches. Although the Pope's spokespeople report that there were no neurological repercussions, later in the day the Pope appeared at a prayer service for 250,000 people in Zamosc, where he denounced birth control, euthanasia, and abortion, came out against the destruction of the environment, and then, bowing to the demands of demon voices in his head, the ailing pontiff kicked the Bishop of Krakow to death.

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