OL' SHIRLEY DESERVES an ass-whuppin' for calling TTS snitch Marc a LIAR last week -- WHICH HE'S NOT! -- just because he was lucky enough to see Sarah Michelle Gellar's foxy twin on the #7 bus! So in the spirit of repentance, I offer this shameful confession. Ready? (Deep breath....)

I, Shirley, have watched every single episode of MTV's Real World Hawaii!!

I ADMIT IT! (Sob!) IT'S FUCKING RIVETING!! Except... man, that self-righteous bitch Kaia gives me a migraine!! And Amaya? Pathetic! Colin? Big dumb oaf! Teck? Enough already! Matthew? Insufferable dick! Ruthie? Wake the fuck up! Justin? Meddlesome bitch! God, I love it.

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ANYWAY, SPEAKING OF FAUX PAS: At approximately 11:23 pm on Tues 9/21 Kathleen was delighting in TV's answer to Family Circus: KOMO TV 4 sportscaster Eric Johnson's maudlin "Eric's Little Heroes." Johnson's weekly whimsical video segments document Seattle's kute widdle kiddles' clumsy attempts to play sports. Johnson was covering a pint-sized soccer game, and doing one of those scrimmage drawings where they draw the play onscreen -- when to Kathleen's shock and surprise, horny Eric drew two circles around a female soccer coach's boobs! Kathleen gasps, "It was so shockingly weird!" And you, dirty Eric, get our Foreplay of the Night!

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SEE YOU IN ROCKTOBER! You know about Dan Savage's new book, The Kid. What you don't know is that Dan's loyal assistant, Kevin, has been trying to get Savage booked on ABC TV's Politically Incorrect for two freakin' years! Suddenly, however, by adopting a kid and writing a book about it, Dan's "controversy" stock has gone through the roof -- so NOW he's national TV material! Watch for our fave homo-pop next month on Bill Maher's late-night show.

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HUNK-O-RAMA: You know how big lug Jerry O'Connell is filming Mission to Mars in Vancouver? Well, Sun 9/26 afternoon his yummy and brilliant co-star Tim Robbins -- not exactly incognito in baseball cap and sunglasses -- popped into the First & Bell Starbucks asking for directions to I-5. TTS correspondent Bill gasps, "He was about eight feet tall!" Hey Tim: I forget how to get to I-5... but I can tell you how to get to MY HOUSE!! ··· And remember when TTS reader Anne saw rocker Dave Matthews and his lady shopping downtown at Tiffany's? Well, on Fri 9/24 K.Z. saw Dave on PBS's Charlie Rose Show, where he said his gal "goes to school in Seattle." So keep an eye peeled for the Davester!

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A-ROD SIGNS AUTOGRAPH... FOR FREE?! Thurs 9/23 K.Z. spotted hunky Mariner shortstop Alex "A-Rod" Rodriguez near the Seattle Art Museum, along with "some dopey-looking white guy." (Hey, they all look dopey next to His Hotness.) K.Z. describes the thrill of a lifetime: "I asked for an autograph, and he didn't say a word to me but signed anyway -- maybe he was peeved since the Ms blew (again) this year!" By the time you read this, A-Rod's fine ass could be Mariner history. We'll miss that ass -- and the bat and glove were damn nice too.

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MUST-SEE TV: Tune into AMC this weekend for a Charlie Chong movie marathon! In this vintage documentary series, Charlie and rockin' "Number One Son" Matthew Fox travel to the opera, the circus, and around the globe filling potholes and ferreting out unused snowplow blades. Ol' Charlie may not be as bright-eyed 'n' bushy tailed as city council opponent Heidi Wills, but dude's a world-famous supersleuth! Deal with it!

P.S. Greatest soap opera ever? Passions! shirley@thestranger.com